{"sf1_id":10091,"sf2_id":"GnDjY0je","title":"Hell Fights Back prologue - Hi-Octane Mind Trip","author":"Alex Reynard","words":4550,"posted_at":"2006-03-31T04:13:00.000Z","tags":["Bat","Demon","Fox","Hyena","Suggestive"],"url":"https://fse.anthro.fr/stories/10091-hell-fights-back-prologue-hi-octane-mind-trip","original_url":"https://sofurry.com/s/GnDjY0je","image_url":"https://www.sofurryfiles.com/std/thumb?page=10091\u0026ext=.jpg","description":"#5 of Bartleby Tales","content":"Hi-Octane Mind Trip  \nprologue of \"Hell Fights Back\"  \nby Alex Reynard  \n  \n~\\*~  \n  \nThe Devil's motorcycle is a wonder to behold.  \nA chopper, naturally, it stretches 66.6 feet in length from the front tire to the fox tail dangling from the antenna.  \nThe engine runs on fresh blood, gets 666 miles to the gallon, and has 666,000 horsepower.  \nThe chrome on the front wheel fork alone has been known to fry onlookers' eyes like eggs in their sockets in less than a second.  \nThere are seven headlights, the largest is the size of a pizza.  \nThere are ten horns, each of which play a different tune when pressed. One of them plays 'La Cucaracha', another plays 'Highway To Hell', another plays 'O Fortuna'.  \nThe seat is upholstered in over one thousand graciously donated cheetah scrotums.  \nThe roar of the motor has been calculated as being louder than an entire Alice Cooper concert, start to finish.  \nThere are over thirty exhaust pipes snaking out of the back like Medusa's  \nhairdo. Many of them shoot thirteen-foot flames.  \nThe back wheel is five feet across.  \nThe speakers are blaring tight 'n tasty riffs from the greatest band in the  \nworld: Tenacious D.  \nAnd behind his pitch-black Lennon-style sunglasses, his hair whipping in the  \nwind like a reaper's cloak, his muscled arms thick as redwoods, the Devil drives  \nat two hundred miles per hour down Hell's most popular freeway.  \nTwenty lanes. No speed limit. Randomly spaced concrete protrusions. Hidden  \ncatapults.  \nThe Devil is deep in thought, and does not notice the other cars he is  \ncurrently running over, his powerful machine chewing them up and spitting them  \nout like sunflower seeds (much to the delight of the thrill-seeking inhabitants  \ninside).  \nIt has been said that 'heavy hangs the head that wears the crown'.  \nIt may also be said that heavy hangs the head that bears the three-hundred  \npound black onyx-like horns.  \nThe Devil has taken an uncharacteristic break from his infernal paperwork  \ntoday.  \nHe has left his stacks of files to pile up to the rafters. Has left his  \ncoffee and donuts to grow cold.  \nHe is, for lack of a kinder wording, pissed as a motherfucker.  \nAnd he has decided to finally do something about it...  \n  \n\n\u0026nbsp; ~\\*~  \n  \nXander gripped the side of his father's car almost hard enough to leave  \ndents. \"Holy shit! I think I just saw Big Red!\"  \n\"It was probably just someone who looked like him,\" Lexi replied.  \nXander sat back down on the ice-cream white vinyl seat. The wind tousled his  \nheadfur artistically through the open convertible top. \"Oh yeah? Who else do you  \nknow that's eight feet tall with wings?\"  \nShe crossed her arms. \"That guy who runs the ice cream shop,\" she said  \nsmart-assedly.  \nXander, refusing to admit she had a point, scowled. Not being able to come  \nup with a witty enough retort, he whipped out a double-barrelled shotgun and  \nfragged her.  \nMr. Oakley glanced in the rear-view mirror. \"Try not to stain the  \nupholstery, kids.\"  \nWhile Xander chortled merrily, Lexi willed the thousands of little drippy  \nbits of her head back into place. She shook her newly-reformed noggin a bit to  \ngather her thoughts. \"Mr. Oakleeeeeey!!\" she yowled, \"Xander keeps killing me!\"  \nNot even taking his eyes off the road, the masculine fox in the hawaiian  \nshirt (and nothing else) replied laconically, \"Well then, you just kill him right  \nback.\"  \nMrs. Oakley, currently smoking a joint, giggled.  \n\"Besides, I think I see our exit up ahead,\" Mr. Oakley added.  \n\"Oh, cool! Finally!\" Xander said. He glanced over the side of the enormous,  \nserpentine vehicle and saw yet another really interesting traffic 'accident' up  \nahead. Musta been a thirty car pileup! At least! Twisted, burning metal was  \nheaped up to the sky, and many of the drivers were currently enjoying a wild orgy  \nwith other cars screeching on either side to avoid the massive carnage.  \nDriving in Hell was very much like going to a demolition derby. Except you  \nwere right in the middle of it, you were going over 100 mph, and nothing could  \nkill you.  \nWhile Xander was distracted, Lexi buried a small hatchet in his tailbase. He  \nyeeped satisfactorily and she blew a raspberry at him. \"So there!\"  \nXander chuckled and tossed the hatchet out somewhere behind him. (It smashed  \nthrough some lady's windshield. Her car went spinning around, collided with a van  \nfull of nuns, then flew up into the air and buried itself like an arrow in the  \nside of a sixteen-wheel gasoline truck. The explosions were really colorful)  \nThe two kits in the backseat paused their mayhem long enough to give each  \nother a giggly hug and exchange a few smooches. They weren't really angry at each  \nother, just restless. Neither of them had been to Dinosaur World in quite a  \nwhile, and were very excited. They'd both asked Bartleby to come along, but he'd  \nalready made a date to hang out with Criss Nero. He said he'd try to tag along  \nnext time.  \n\"So, who're you gonna have eat you first?\" Lexi asked.  \nXander thought. \"I was gonna say T-rex, but everyone always wants to get  \neaten by him. It's been done. I wanna try something different. Maybe the  \nvelociraptors.\"  \nLexi gushed. \"Oooh, they're \\*cute\\*!\"  \nMr. Oakley was aiming his big cherry-red jewel towards the exit ramp. \"Hold  \non kids! Here we go!\"  \nA furry black foot mashed the accelerator pedal to the floor.  \nThe exit ramp shot up at a ridiculously steep angle, seeming to catapult  \ndrivers directly into the sun.  \nMrs. Oakley held her hands up like she was on a rollercoaster. Xander and  \nLexi did too.  \nAt a hundred and seventy miles per hour, the Oakleys' car shot off the end  \nof the unfinished ramp into empty air.  \nEveryone screamed.  \nThe car reached its apex, hanging hundreds of feet in the air, cradled by  \nthe hot summer sun, then began to nosedive back towards land. At the last second,  \na hidden portal gobbled them up (along with several other cars all heading in the  \nsame direction) and deposited them in a flaming, mangled heap in the parking lot  \nat Dinosaur World.  \n\"Awesome!\" said Xander  \n  \n\n\u0026nbsp; ~\\*~  \n.  \nAs it would eventually end with Bartleby Fletch, so too did it begin with  \nhim. Satan always knew there was something special about that kid.  \n  \nThe little bat knocked tentatively on the Devil's door, remembering well  \nwhat had happened to him last time. He didn't particularly like the idea of  \npoofing out of existence and reappearing somewhere else a million miles away.  \nEven though last time \\*had\\* led to some rather interesting adventures...  \nLuck was with him today though and the door opened with a perfectly expected  \ncreak. A warm, resonant voice called from inside. \"Come on in!\"  \nSmiling now, Bartleby scooted inside. He was still a little worried he might  \nbe wasting the Devil's very important time, but the dark lord certainly hadn't  \n\\*sounded\\* like he was in the middle of anything strenuous at the moment. Bartleby  \nwaded through the hundreds of stacks of files towards the resonant voice. Paper  \ncascaded out of the darkness above like overweight snow. Minor imps ran to and  \nfro, occasionally letting out vulgar noises and snickering to themselves.  \nBartleby turned the corner and found Satan having a coffee break with Jesus.  \nThe young bat didn't even have to ask who it was. It was clear in a glance.  \nThe furson sitting opposite the Prince of Darkness was unquestionably the  \nMessiah. It was in his eyes. Even from across the room, their power was  \nundeniable. It was the calmest, wisest, most loving gaze Bartleby had ever  \nbeheld.  \nAnd yet, that was just about the only thing that was at all clear about him.  \nBartleby cocked his head to the side and thought there might be something  \nwrong with his vision. Even though he was looking directly \\*at\\* Christ, he  \ncouldn't even tell what species he was. Like some bizarre optical illusion, the  \nfacial features defied any attempt at description. Not to say they flickered and  \nshifted like a hologram. Rather, the serene man before him appeared to be the  \npurest embodiment of all life. Not even fully male, his appearance was the  \namalgamation of every image of him that had ever been imagined throughout  \nhistory. He was, quite literally, all things to all people.  \n\"Hi there!\" he said.  \nBartleby approached on shaky legs. It was one thing to know the Devil lived  \nhere, another thing entirely to come face to face with the savior of all furkind.  \nThe Prince of Peace. The guy who was always stuck up on the cross, bleeding in  \nagony, over the door at the Sunday school he'd gone to a few times back when he  \nwas alive.  \nIt wasn't so much meeting him that shocked Bartleby, as it was the sheer  \nweight of the implications of meeting him \\_here\\_, of all places.  \nThe Devil chuckled. \"Better shut your mouth, son. You'll draw flies.\"  \nJesus chuckled, and his laugh was warm as golden sunlight. He glanced at a  \nsmall armchair in the corner and instantly Bartleby felt it pop up beneath his  \ntush. It was quite comfy.  \nBeelzebub dunked a bear claw in his coffee. \"So, what brings ya to my humble  \noffice, kid?\"  \nBartleby wasn't even looking at him. He knew it was rude but he couldn't  \nhelp it. His mind was pretty much blown at this point.  \n\"I think he might be wondering why I'm here,\" Jesus remarked.  \n\"Um, yeah,\" Bartleby sputtered.  \nJesus fixed his wondrous gaze on the little bat and instantly Bartleby felt  \nserenity descend upon him like a comfy blanket. His heartbeat slowed. His  \nthoughts untangled. \"Thanks,\" he said.  \n\"No problem,\" said Jesus. \"It happens to a lot of people. Especially  \nChristians.\"  \nThe Devil rolled his eyes. \"Hoo boy!\" he said, taking a sip of coffee.  \nBartleby could only imagine the potential for explosively confused  \nencounters.  \n\"So, um... Why?\" he asked softly.  \nJesus glanced Heavenward. \"Dad grounded me.\"  \n\"You're kidding.\"  \nThe savior shook his head. \"Nope.\" His tone was breezy, but Bartleby could  \nhear a deep, deep sadness beneath it. \"I'm sure you know by now what He can be  \nlike. I mean, He's my dad and I love Him, but...\"  \nSatan dunked his bear claw again. \"...He can sure be a real putz at times,\"  \nhe supplied.  \nJesus cast him the slightest of disapproving looks. \"Not the exact words I  \nwould've chosen... But, yeah, you do kinda have a point.\"  \nThe Devil grinned. \"When don't I? Heck, if you weren't the biggest nice guy  \nin all of existence, I'd expect you to be even more bitter towards the ol' poop  \nthan I am.\"  \n\"Why? What happened?\" Bartleby asked.  \nJesus sighed in the way a man does when he's had to tell a tale a thousand  \ntimes. \"Well, you know the whole crucifixion story?\"  \nBartleby nodded. Who didn't?  \n\"They've all got it wrong,\" he said sadly. \"God didn't put me on that cross  \nto die for the sins of all furkind. He did it to stop me.\"  \n\"WHAT!?\" the little bat shouted.  \nThe Devil tossed a donut at him. \"Here, eat this. It's a helluva mindfuck,  \nkid. You'll need it.\"  \nBartleby dutifully filled his mouth.  \nJesus sat back in his plush chair, hands behind his head, gazing off into  \nspace. \"Yes, I am the Son, and yes, He did send me down to Earth to spread His  \nWord. The problem was, I screwed up and misinterpreted what that Word was  \nsupposed to be.  \n\"I just assumed the best of Him and devoted my life to teaching tolerance  \nand love among all peoples. Unfortunately, that wasn't what He expected of me at  \nall.\"  \n\"You know all those fat, loudmouthed TV preachers you see on the news all  \nthe time on Earth?\" The Devil asked, crumbs spilling down his beard.  \nBartleby nodded.  \n\"They're a lot closer to what He wanted in the first place, and most of 'em  \ndon't even know it. Why do you think so many of 'em manage to get rich and famous  \nbeyond all standards of decency?\"  \nBartleby's brain hurt.  \nJesus took a sip of coffee, looking dejected. \"There I was, preaching 'Love  \nthy neighbor' and 'Turn the other cheek', and having no idea how disappointed my  \nfather was in me with every word I spoke.\"  \nBartleby whimpered sympathetically. \"Gosh, I'm really sorry to hear that.\"  \nJesus looked up, smiling a little, and ruffled the boy's headfur. To  \nBartleby, the small touch felt like a shower of pure joy.  \n\"In any case, He ended up getting what He wanted anyway,\" Jesus said. \"Look  \nat earth now! There's so much violence and hatred being carried out in my name,  \nit just about makes me wanna...\" He hesitated, uncomfortable with dark thoughts  \nof any kind. \"...slap somebody. Right in the face!\"  \nThe Devil perked up. \"There's a whole room fulla evangelists, homo-hatin'  \nBaptist preachers and Catholic child-molesters down in Level Six! Anytime you  \nwant, we can go down there and let off a little steam. Maybe with a baseball  \nbat...\"  \nJesus looked horrified. \"Please, Beelzy! You know darn well I was just  \nventing! I don't think I could \\*ever\\*...\"  \nSatan smiled knowingly and reached over to pat his friend on the shoulder.  \n\"I'm sorry, J.C. Just teasin' ya. You know you leave yourself wide open all the  \ntime.\"  \nJesus chuckled. \"Yeah, yeah...\" He gave the Devil a look that perfectly  \nencompassed the fact they were two good friends who both understood and respected  \neach other's differences.  \nBartleby found all this fascinating. \"So, lemme just make sure I understand;  \nGod had you crucified... because you were telling people to be nice to each  \nother!?\"  \nJesus shrugged. \"That's about it.\"  \nThe devil took a swig from his mug. \"Just about makes ya wanna puke, don't  \nit, kid?\"  \n\"Yeah, it does!\" Bartleby said forcefully. \"That's mean!\"  \nJesus laughed gently, smiling at the young child's perfect understanding.  \n\"Yes, Bartleby. It was mean. I accept that now too.\"  \nBartleby felt like his whole being was soothed just by Christ's loving  \nglance. But still, his brain was buzzing. He'd gotten used to a lot of twisted-up  \nstuff since arriving in Hell, but this was, to put it mildly, a doozy.  \n\"You never did say why you wanted to see me about,\" the Devil mentioned to  \nthe bat.  \nBartleby's cheeks got red hot. \"Oh! Um...\" He looked terribly embarrassed.  \nThe devil looked concerned. \"Aw, geez, you can tell me. Problems? Questions?  \nYou know I don't mind nice kids like you comin' around and distracting me from  \nall those damned personnel files I gotta write day and night for all eternity.\"  \n\"Yeah but...\" The bat glanced at Jesus.  \nIt suddenly became clear. The Savior chuckled in understanding. \"If it's  \nsomething sexual in nature, don't worry. I won't disapprove. I got used to that  \ncenturies ago. And I'm sure you remember the story about 'casting the first  \nstone'. I'm not one to judge someone else by what they do to make themselves  \nhappy.\"  \nBartleby felt relieved. Jesus just about radiated sincerity. He turned back  \nto Big Red. \"Okay. Well, um, Xander mentioned a while back that you sometimes  \nhave, um, these big yiffy parties after you get off work and...\"  \nThe Devil nodded understandingly. He got asked this several times a week.  \n\"You wanna know how to get an invitation?\"  \nBartleby shyly nodded.  \nThe Great Horned One let off a great big belly laugh. \"Nothing to be ashamed  \nabout, little guy! Just hop a portal like going anyplace else! Stick your finger  \nin the air, think about me and you're there!\"  \n\"It's that simple? Man, I thought I'd have to sign some papers or go on a  \nwaiting list or something.\"  \nThe Devil guffawed at the very idea. \"Naah! It's not like some snobby  \nnightclub. Just my way of unwinding after a hard day... by basically fucking  \neverything that moves till it explodes.\" He grinned.  \nBartleby grinned too. Xander had told him that Satan's cock was so big it  \nmade you explode when he came. He was very interested in finding out if that was  \ntrue or not.  \nGuessing correctly where Bartleby's thoughts were at, the Devil chuckled  \nlewdly and flopped three feet of jet-black, spiked meat onto the table,  \npractically making the whole room shake.  \n\"Son of a bitch!!\" Bartleby shrieked in alarm.  \n\"Say hello to my little friend,\" the Devil quipped.  \nNot even hard, it still looked bigger than Bartleby's whole body. Razor-  \nsharp spikes studded the entire length like rose thorns. It was making the table  \nsmoke just from touching it. Molten lava seemed to be leaking out of the tip. At  \nthe base was a canine knob the size of a pumpkin.  \nJesus winced. \"Could you, um, put that thing away?\" he asked gingerly.  \n\"Oh, whoops! Sorry 'bout that!\" The Devil hastily tucked the giant black  \nanaconda out of sight again. \"Forgot you were there for a second.\"  \n\"It's not that I'm against yiffing,\" Jesus was quick to point out to  \nBartleby, \"I just prefer to keep my personal desires ...a little more private.\"  \n\"You're so vanilla,\" Satan teased.  \nJesus shot him a good-natured frown.  \n\"Really, Jeeze, you should come to one of my orgies sometime too. Loosen up.  \nHave some fun. Bone some babes. It'll do you a world of good.\"  \nJesus was trying hard not to laugh. Satan delighted in ribbing him like  \nthis. \"No offense, but I think I'll pass.\"  \nThe Devil tossed up his hands. \"Suit yourself!\"  \nBartleby thought they reminded him of two old college buddies; the  \narchetypical odd couple.  \nJesus stood up and did a few back stretches. \"Actually, if that's all you  \nwanted me for, I should probly be going now. Gotta check my emails. And Mary and  \nthe kids are probably worried I really \\*have\\* decided to try out one of your  \norgies!\" He and the Devil chuckled.  \nBartleby looked perplexed. \"But I thought...\"  \n\"Adopted,\" Jesus clarified.  \n\"Ohhh,\" said Bartleby.  \n\"And I'm sure they miss their daddy by now. I've been gone all afternoon.\"  \nHe started off towards the door. \"Thanks for the coffee, Beelzy. You still make  \nthe best cup in Hell!\"  \n\"Hey, I should be thanking you! I never in a million years thought you'd  \nagree to help me so easily!\"  \nJesus shrugged. \"What can I say? You're absolutely right on this! Good luck,  \nand call me when you need me!\"  \nAs Jesus walked off, Bartleby noticed that the minor imps were actually  \ngetting out of his way and keeping silent as he passed. And normally they were  \nthe rudest little creatures in the whole abyss!  \nBartleby looked back to the Devil, curious about what that last bit had been  \nall about.  \nThe Devil smirked like a naughty little boy. \"Sorry, kiddo. Top secret  \nstuff.\"  \n\"Ooh, really?\" Bartleby said, excited.  \nThe Devil nodded. \"All will become clear soon, my dear boy. Let's just say  \nfor now that I'm as mad as here and I'm not going to take it anymore.\"  \n\"About what?\"  \nBeelzebub considered his words carefully. Not that he didn't trust the sweet  \nlittle bat seated before him, but he didn't want anyone else but Christ to catch  \na whiff of his true plans just yet.  \n\"Kid...\" he said finally. \"You know what came across my desk a few days  \nago?\"  \nBartleby shook his head.  \n\"Some guy died. Nothing new. But this guy was just about the most devout  \nChristian you can imagine. Went to church every day of his life. Knew the Bible  \npractically word for word. Volunteered in homeless shelters. Gave away most of  \nhis money to charity. Loved by his whole community. A perfect candidate for  \nHeaven.  \n\"...You would think.\"  \n\"God turned him away?\" Bartleby asked.  \nThe devil nodded. \"Yup. And guess why?\"  \nBartleby made a little 'I dunno' sound.  \n\"Because, once in his whole life, he had an impure thought about a woman and  \ndidn't confess it. He simply forgot. And for that, his loving God sent him to  \nburn forever in the fiery pit.\"  \nThe Devil's face was lined with deep, deep anger. \"The poor guy was crying  \nhis eyes out when he got here. So heartbroken you wouldn't believe it. Wouldn't  \nlet us take his heart; said he'd rather not even exist knowing that all he'd  \nbelieved for years was nothing but a lie. We finally got him calmed down. Told  \nhim there was always good works he could do here, that just because God didn't  \ncare didn't mean we didn't either. He eventually gave up his heart. I'm not sure  \nwhere he is now. We gave him a nice house, just what he always wanted. I can  \nalmost picture him now; lyin' in bed and still crying.\"  \nThe Devil's words died to a whisper. The room was silent but for the crackle  \nof flames in the fireplace.  \nBartleby thought he might cry.  \n\"You know what the worst part is though?\" Satan asked.  \nBartleby said no.  \n\"That we get cases like that not just every day, or every hour, but every  \nminute and almost every second!\" He pounded his fist on the table in rage. \"Good,  \ngood souls, cast aside like garbage. Makes me sick. I'm fuckin' tired of it. I'm  \ntired of sitting here doing nothing to stop it.\"  \nHe realized suddenly that he might have said too much.  \nBartleby stared.  \n\"Forget I said that, kid,\" Satan said. \"Please, don't tell anyone I said  \nthat.\"  \n\"I won't,\" Bartleby pledged.  \nThe Devil took his face in one mighty paw and massed his temples. \"You can't  \nbegin to understand the stress I'm under. How much it hurts to do what I do. To  \nhave to play out the role of the bad son, taking his punishment for all eternity,  \nnever able to rebel. It's my torture. I'm really the only one here being  \ntortured. ...Well, that's melodramatic, but mostly true. Even the poor schnooks  \nin the lowest levels are at least given the chance to improve themselves and  \nascend. Me? I'm stuck here where I've always been. Watching Him punish good, good  \nsouls.\"  \nHe sighed. \"Look at me, tellin' all this to a kid... I'm goin' nuts here.\"  \nBartleby got up out of his chair and walked over behind the Devil's desk. He  \nplaced his winghands on an arm thicker than his own chest. \"Don't be sad,\" he  \nsaid softly.  \nThe devil turned to him and smiled. He lifted the boy up and sat him on his  \nlap. He hugged Bartleby with amazing gentleness. \"You're one of those good, good  \nsouls I was talking about, you know that?\" He 'beep'ed the boy's nose.  \nThe little bat giggled. \"Thanks.\"  \n\"No, thank \\*you\\*. You really have a special knack for comin' by just when I  \nneed cheering up.\"  \nHe sat Bartleby back down again and stroked his goatee thoughtfully. \"I  \nstill have about eight hundred billion souls left to process, so I won't be off  \nwork for a few more hours. If you want, you can stick around the place till then.  \nThat is, if you're still interested in that orgy.\"  \nBartleby made it clear he WAS still interested! \"That'd be fine. I can't  \nwait to get yiffy with you!\"  \n\"Aww, you're a sweetie!\" Satan ruffled Bartleby's hair with a paw bigger  \nthan the boy's head. He grinned. \"Tell ya what; while you're waiting, I'll have  \none of the demons show you my chopper. You ever seen it before?\"  \nBartleby shook his head, intrigued. \"Xander said he thought he saw it once.\"  \nBeelzebub beamed with pride. \"She's a beaut. I call her 'Czernobog'.\"  \nBartleby attempted to pronounce that and couldn't.  \nThe Devil pushed a button on his desk and a door opened behind him.  \n\"You rang, boss?\" said a skinny seven-foot demon with green fur, walrus  \ntusks and black bat wings. He looked like something Big Daddy Roth would draw.  \n\"Give this kid a guided tour of the garage. Let 'im sit in the seats if he  \nlikes. And get him some ice cream. Kids like ice cream.\"  \nThe green demon nodded and extended a clawed, lizardlike paw to Bartleby.  \nThe little bat was practically vibrating in excitement. This sounded like a real  \nadventure!  \n\"You ever been to a monster truck show?\" the Devil asked him.  \n\"Nope,\" Bartleby said.  \n\"I collect 'em.\"  \n\"Wow!\"  \n\"Even got one that turns into a three-story tall dinosaur! How 'bout that?\"  \n\"Sounds cool!!\" Bartleby gushed.  \n\"Great! Have fun, little guy. I'll see you later!\"  \n\"Okay, bye! I'll see you too!\"  \nThe green demon led Bartleby through the door, saying, \"Ever seen a hearse  \nwith tank treads?\"  \nBeelzebub turned back to his work. His inbox had swelled to elephantine  \nproportions during his little break, and he groaned.  \nHe banged his fist on the desk. \"Someone bring me three large pizzas, a  \nroast alligator and six bottles of whiskey!!!\" he roared impatiently.  \nAs the imps scrambled about getting his snack ready, Satan's hand went back  \nto processing forms practically by itself. If you do something long enough, it  \ntakes less and less conscious thought to accomplish it. The forms flitted past at  \na speed of a few hundred thousand a second.  \nAnd still, there were always more.  \nThe boredom was crippling.  \nSatan thought about what he and Christ had discussed. How maybe it might be  \ntime to shake things up. Make some mischief. Cheat like bastards.  \nAfter all, he was the fuckin' \\_Devil\\_, right? Who could blame him for  \ndeciding to try a little dirty fighting now and then?  \n\"Yeah...\" he said to himself with a growing smile. \"...Why not?\"  \n  \n\n\u0026nbsp;  \n  \n  \nThe End  \nfor now...  \n  \n  \n\n* * *\nAuthor's notes:  \n  \nOkay so, yeah, I kinda just went 'Wheeeee!' with this one.  \n  \nI hadn't written in months. My latest novel, 'Dangerous Lunatics', had stalled  \nlike a car on the side of the road in Sunburned Testicle, Arizona. Writing had  \njust ceased to be \\*fun\\* for me. I was feeling overwhelmed.  \n  \nThen the image came to me of Satan on this bigass motorcycle. And I said, 'Why  \nnot do something extremely out of left field and hopefully make writing  \ninteresting again?'  \n  \nIt seems to have worked! Huzzah!  \n  \nHopefully, this will be the start of a story arc I never really thought I'd  \nactually see. I've always had an idea for the Bartleby continuity I thought I  \ncould never use because it'd just be too big and overdramatic and not like the  \nseries at all. But what fun is there in having everything always be the same? Why  \nnot have a sixty year old Batman kick Superman's ass? Why not fuck stuff up for  \nfun? I'd rather get into some Josh Whedon territory than just write jack-off  \nstories all the time.  \n  \nThis is not to say there won't be cute, fetishy little Bartleby stories too. Just  \nthat some of them will follow Satan's path to a much-deserved revenge. No details  \nnow. Just know that some interesting shit is being planned.  \n  \n\n\u0026nbsp; So, my big hope here is that, not only have I tantalized you, but hopefully I've  \nalso tantalized myself, and that this will give me some push to sit my fat ass  \ndown in front of the computer a little more often to create stuff.  \n  \nSee y'all later!  \n  \n  \nP.S. Thanks to Kuma-kun for a lot of ideas about stuff here, and for whoever gave  \nme the idea for the freeway bit. Hope ya liked.  \n  \n  \n  \n  \n\n","series":{"name":"Bartleby Tales","previous":"https://fse.anthro.fr/stories/9847-hell-fights-back-story-one-the-demon-s-chance.json"}}