{"sf1_id":1127272,"sf2_id":null,"title":"Untouchable Chapter 51: Meeting in the Middle: Sean","author":"Dars","words":3657,"posted_at":"2017-01-19T21:22:00.000Z","tags":["Anthropomorphic","Border Collie","Cat","City","Family","Gay","Interspecies","Male","Novel","Plot Development","Relationships","Romance","Story Series","Tiger","Wolf"],"url":"https://fse.anthro.fr/stories/1127272-untouchable-chapter-51-meeting-in-the-middle-sean","original_url":"https://sofurry.com/view/1127272","image_url":"https://www.sofurryfiles.com/std/thumb?page=1127272\u0026ext=.jpg","description":"","content":"The gusts up on the bridge bit through Sean's light\njacket and fur. The boats moving slowly below were nothing like the cars and\nchaos around and inside him.\"What you want\nand are, is unnatural.\" His shadow mocked.\"I didn't want this, I never have.\" Sean's\ncheek bristled with the heat of his failure.\"You hide, you\nlied, and now you are unable to change.\"Sean walked further toward the middle of the bridge while\nhe felt every driver passing by watching and judging him. \"What other options did I have?\"\"You could\nhave been Giving like Xander, Proud like Sharron, Honest like Samantha. You've\nbeen none of these things, Oliver, Xander, and Paul are going to hell like you\nare but at least they're better people than you've ever been.\"\"I haven't killed, or raped.\" Sean's stomach\nroiled with fiery butterflies.The sun hid in a bank of clouds, like it was ashamed of\nhim.\"You haven't\nrape because you haven't had the chance and if you meet your rapist again you\nwould kill. And you have attacked Xander and your father when you felt\njustified. Choice after selfish choice has hurt those around you.\"\"I'm not trying to hurt anyone.\" Sean held his\ncold arms across his chest.\"Some only\ncause harm, you want to help others but how can you when you can't help\nyourself.\"Sean paused at wilting flowers and a winged teddy wolf\nchained to the fence. The battered and dirty stuffed angel felt as lonely and\nincapable as he did.\"Hey little guy what brought you up here,\" he said,\ncroaking over the tickling suspicion in his throat.\"Someone like\nyou, someone that didn't belong.\"\"People missed her, for a time at least, would\nanyone miss me?\"Below the desiccated flowers hung a cross with Megan\nwritten in block letters.Sean's heart raced as he searched past the judgmental\ndrivers for tire marks in the road or damage to the concrete barrier.\"What happened to you?\" Sean felt a hot knowing\ndagger in his chest.\"She flew and\nnow she's free, you think about flying like she did. Then you don't have to think\nabout hurting your sisters, disappointing your parents, and destroying Xander.\nHe wasted ten years he could have been happy on you.\"\"I didn't want any of that.\"A truck rushed past, its wake buffeted against him, he\npictured the wind rushing past him as he fell.\"Does it\nmatter what you wanted, the world doesn't care, what you made is a bluster that\npushed everyone you love around.\"\"I will think about, what's true, what's noble,\nwhat's right, what's pure, what's lovely, what's admirable.\" Sean bit back\ntears.\"Are you true,\nnoble, or right, because you definitely are not pure, lovely, or admirable?\"Seagulls muted squawks cut the air.Sean checked his phone. He had too many messages and\ndidn't want to talk to anyone. It would be so draining too read all of them.\"See you've\nmanipulated so many into wasting time and energy on you.\"\"I tried to be there for them.\" The fresh chill\nof his failure washed over him like the misting rain.\"Try, try,\ntry, if you could actually succeed it might matter.\"He wanted to think positively but memories taunted him.\nHitting dad and Xander. Lying to Sharron about Xander's feelings toward her to\nhide being gay. Shaming mom for not protecting him the way he wanted her too.\nTelling Oliver he had a home then walking away. Teasing Xander for getting turned\non by him for a decade because he could no longer reciprocate.\"If you could\nchange you would stop all the pain you cause.\"\"I'm trying, all I want is to help.\" Sean\nleaned against the cold concrete just before the taller metal fence that the\nangel was chained too.\"You try and\nhelp everyone else, but you always quit when it gets hard.\"The muted sun of fall peaked through the clouds.\"I try, I always try, I wanted to be straight, I\nwanted to be a good son, a good believer.\"\"Aren't you\nsupposed to be able to do all things through him who gives you strength, oh,\nwait not you because you are weak willed and never really believed?\"\"I did, I have.\" The heart hurt of doubt\nweighed on him.Sean jumped when a car honked on the road behind him.\"You never\ntried to change how you work sexually.\"\"I tried to get interested in Xander.\" Xander's\nwords echoed, I can't be a place holder.\"Exactly you\nchoose sin and shame over the way the Alpha designed it to be.\"The wind flapped the wings of the chained little angel.\"It's not a choice, I don't want things like this\nthey just are.\"\"So it must be\ntime to run again. Now you will fly, see there is one thing you can't fail at\nif you choose too.\"\"I'll be free, but nothing else.\"Sean untied the angel and looked at the top of the fence\njudging its height.\"Is it the\nangels turn to fly? You know you'll never be free but everyone else can be.\nStop holding everyone else back.\"\"No someday I will be free.\" The dirty angel felt\ncleaner then he was.\"There's only\none way you'll free anyone but you're a coward.\"The sun shifted\nback behind clouds.\"I can't keep hurting everyone.\" Bitter\nrealization rumbled like the boats hundreds of feet below.\"You're right\nthey'll get over it. It's not like they really loved you.\"\"I can't keep failing.\"Again memory haunted him. Xander leaving him, both years\nand days ago. When he made mom cry driving home from camp, dad's shock after he\nsaid, \"you two put me through hell, and I hate you for it.\" Getting\naroused by Oliver talking about his rape. Fantasizing about raping Paul.\"You're\ndangerous, you will really hurt someone, it's a matter of time.\"\"I quit my job,\" Sean said in surprise.\"They will be\nfine, they didn't need you to begin with, they and everyone else will get over\nit.\"Sean felt the light rain chill down his tear streaked\ncheeks, making channels of cold that ran down to pool under his chin.\"But it's a sin, I'll be damned for it.\" Sean\nhid his face from the clouded sun.\"You are\nalready damned and you know it.\"\"I will hurt Samantha, Oliver, and Xander.\"The wind seemed to speak his name scornfully, it called\nhim to action.\"You could\ndamage Sam's career. In fact you already have. Oliver shouldn't be around a\nsinner that brings him further into ill repute he is celibate and should remain\nthat way.\"\"I'll be setting them free I'm just a burden.\"Sean stepped one leg on the waist high concrete barrier.\"Sorry Xander.\"Then grabbed the top bar of the metal fence to pull\nhimself up and over.\"I can't change I failed everyone.\"He hardly noticed the cars honk at him, his heart was\nloud in his ears as the rest of him went numb. \"Alpha please forgive me for what I'm about to\ndo.\"He pushed off the barrier getting most of the way to the\ntop.\"Alpha, I know you can't but I'll ask anyway.\"He almost had his elbow to the top to leverage himself\nover, when a black blur in the corner of his right eye slammed into him. His\nshoulder popped painfully when he struck the walkway below, and motes of light\ndanced around him.\"You bastard, you shit head.\" Xander yelled\nright fist thudding onto Sean's chest for emphasis, \"What the fuck, Sean?\nHow dare you!\" Xander remained on top of Sean.\"See you fail\nat everything.\"\"Xander why did you stop me,\" Sean tearfully asked,\nwhen he could breathe again, while trying to push Xander off of him.\"Why?! What the hell do you mean, 'why did I stop\nyou,' you promised to never, and you were- how could you think about doing\nthat, what is it with you and Alpha damned bridges,\" Xander asked, still\npinning Sean's arms under him.A knife of pain shot through the shoulder Sean landed on,\n\"Get off me, you don't understand.\"\"He can't\nunderstand he doesn't have real problems.\"\"What don't I understand, it's kinda obvious what\nyou were doing,\" Xander yelled.\"I needed to, to to make all your lives\nbetter,\" Sean said trying to roll to the side.\"Better, how the hell is losing someone I love above\nall others better, you douche bag!\" Xander said punching Sean's hurt\nshoulder.\"Fuck dude, that hurt,\" Sean said clutching his\narm.\"Good, pain might bring you to your senses,\" Xander\nsaid.\"Will you get off me, dick head,\" Sean said.\"No, I don't trust you,\" Xander said.\"Great so you're just going to lay on me in\npublic... in the rain,\" Sean said.\"It's just a light misting,\" Xander said.Sean shook his head at Xander.\"Fine, I'll let you up but promise to come with me\nright now.\"\"Ah could you help me to up I think my shoulders\ndislocated,\" Sean asked.Xander dug into that shoulder, ignoring Sean's yelp, then\nsaid, \"Feels fine too me, maybe its compacted, hopefully just\nbruised.\"As the shock from being thrown to the ground faded the fear,\nanger, and self-contempt of the whole situation battled with the surprise that Xander\nwanted to stop him. \"Just take me home,\" Sean said bitterly.\"No we are going to Oliver's, I'm not letting you be\nalone,\" Xander said.\"I'm not going to do anything damnit.\"\"You lied to me about this shit before, come lets go\nmy retriever said he would park off 6th.\"They walked in silence, Sean cringed under Xander's\nrepeated glances.\"Don't look at me like that!\" Sean said.\"Like what?\"\"Like you have some right to pity me.\"\"I don't pity you Sean, I love you and I just don't\nunderstand.\"\"You don't understand what it's like, you never had\nto go through... everything and and everyone loves you for you. They all want\nme to be something else,\" Sean said, too numb to cry.\"I don't... well yes I did but I know now, you never\nexplained, how could I understand,\" Xander said.\"I didn't want you to know, I never wanted anyone\ntoo, it should have just gone away,\" Sean said.\"So because it wouldn't go away you thought you would,\"\nXander asked paws balled at his sides.\"No, STOP pitying me,\" Sean said finishing loudly.\nSean angled away from the cars as they passed.\"I'm not fucking pitying you, I'm trying to\nunderstand what's going on in your stupid head,\" Xander said kicking a\npebble while they approached the southern edge of the bridge.\"Nothing new is going on, just more of it... are you\ngoing to tell Oliver,\" Sean asked his shoulder still throbbing.\"Already texted him,\" Xander said.\"Alpha damned meddlesome family,\" Sean muttered.\"What did they have to do with it,\" Xander asked\nguiding them down the walkway to the road that passed under the bridge on the\nhillside.\"You, you idiot,\" Sean said, \"I think I\nneed something for my shoulder.\"\"Well Oliver is anti-medicine... apart from the one,\nmaybe we should hit up your sister or Pence,\" Xander said.\"Great... hey my shoulder hurts, oh, how did that\nhappen, Xander tackled me, ah, rough housing again what did you do this time,\nnothing just got really depressed...\" Sean said.\"Well don't tell them that,\" Xander said.\"I think not telling people things is why I got so\ndepressed,\" Sean said.They got in the Retriever.\"Well I messaged Oliver to see if he can get\nsomething for your shoulder,\" Xander said then gave the driver the address.Sean sat in thought, \"how did I get to this\npoint?\"\"Lies and\ndeception, you're still not telling him everything.\"\"I can't tell him.\"\"Why because\nhe'd know the sight of him makes your skin crawl.\"\"Shut up,\" Sean said quietly.\"What did you say Sean,\" Xander asked.\"Oh nothing, just thinking,\" Sean said as\nbuildings passed after a light went green.\"So Franks says he doesn't accept your resignation,\nhe just wants you to be ok and get your shit back together,\" Xander said.\"Alpha, I don't know if I can ever go back,\" Sean\nsaid smacking his head into the window gently a few times but that only made\nhis shoulder hurt worse.\"Hey, could it all be from your new allergy\nmeds,\" Xander asked.\"Maybe, but I doubt it,\" Sean said.\"So you feel like this all the time,\" Xander asked.\"No, but let's talk about it later,\" Sean said\navoiding the drivers eyes in the mirror.\"I want to talk about it now you avoid this issue to\nmuch,\" Xander said.Sean prayed the driver was hurrying. When they hit another red light Xander said, \"Are\nyou going to answer me?\"\"No Xander, not right now,\" Sean said.\"Then when? You put this shit off every time I asked,\nand look at where it got you,\" Xander said.\"About just one thing, and damn it later,\" Sean\nsaid loudly.\"No now, were you depressed about the rape or the\npray the gay away camp,\" Xander asked.The drivers ears went down and he looked back at the road\nquickly. \"Damnit Xander, for Alpha fucking sake, we aren't\nalone,\" Sean yelled.\"Oh later... but you have to tell me,\" Xander said.\"Fine, whatever, you are situationally blind,\" Sean\nsaid as the car pulled into a loading and unloading zone in front of Oliver's\nbuilding.Sean marched to the door and paged Oliver's apartment.Xander came over after he paid the driver.\"I don't think Oliver is here,\" Sean said.\"You can get in the garage, right,\" Xander asked.\"We shouldn't even be here, I left out of the blue\nhe probably hates me,\" Sean said.\"Nope he doesn't, this way,\" Xander said then\ndragged Sean thankfully by the good arm towards the garage.\"Enter the door code,\" Xander said.\"But it's terspass-\"\"Enter the damn code.\"\"Alpha I preferred you when you were all spineless\nand nervous,\" Sean said.\"Oh, shut up, I'm still pissed at you,\" Xander said\nas they headed to the stairs.\"You're pissed, you're the prick that broadcast my\nlife story to the damn retriever you have on speed dial,\" Sean said while Xander\ndragged him up the stairs.\"If you would stop hiding shit from your best\nfriend, the one person that's closest to you, who's practically your brother,\nmaybe that someone should be trusted, then he wouldn't have to demand things at\nawkward times,\" Xander said.\"I don't tell things to people that speak in the\nthird person and use run on sentences,\" Sean said while Xander dragged him\ninto Oliver's unlit apartment.\"Oh, shut up grammar fiend... well, I guess Oliver\nisn't here,\" Xander said.\"First things first, why should I tell you anything?\nYou keep blabbing shit all over the place, you're as bad as Sharron,\" Sean\nsaid while he walked to the living room.\"No she honestly think she knows better and is\njustified in doing what she does, I just wasn't thinking,\" Xander said.\"Oh yes, everyone prefers inconsiderate clumsiness\nto self-righteous rudeness,\" Sean said.\"Fine I'll work on being more situationally aware,\nnow stop being evasive, I see you trying to move onto grammar and all that\nother crap, tell me what's going on,\" Xander asked.\"This isn't stuff I want to talk about,\" Sean said\nthen paced the room.\"Well tough tits, you nearly died because you kept\neverything inside.\"\"But it will hurt you too.\"\"That's what friends are for to make each other's\nlives better in joy and pain.\"\"Well that's all pretty sounding but... never\nmind,\" Sean said while he tried to find a throw pillow, none were in sight.\"Never mind nothing Sean, stop walking around and\ntell me about that camp, the the rape, why your angry and what's wrong,\" Xander\nsaid then grabbed Sean's left paw, the one on his bad arm.\"Dude watch that fucking arm! Arrrgggh! See you just\ndon't think and you get me hurt, tackling me, telling my mom... leaving when I\nwas trying to to, nothing never mind,\" Sean said brushing Xander off and\nwalked to the apartment door.Xander blocked the door, \"I never meant for things\nto end up that way and you know it, I don't want to hurt you Sean.\"\"Then why are you always in my face, I told you it\ndoesn't work for you but you, you never tried dating someone else. You'd go on\ndates but they always had a flaw because you didn't want it to work... not really,\"\nSean said, balling his fists, \"Get out of the ways Xander I'm going to a\ndrug store.\"\"I can tell you're lying, and what are you going to\nhit me like you did your dad? I know you only get violent when people try and\nstop you, or force you into something, but you said you'd talk about this, so\nkeep your word,\" Xander said back to the door.\"You want to know, well fuck it, I love you but the sight\nof you makes me remember my every nightmare. I wanted you to be there for me\nbut you told my mom right after I was fucking raped!\" Sean yelled.\"Tell him what\nhe did.\"\"At camp they had my journal and photos of us\ntogether, I hate mirrors but I can't not see you... they would stick my arm in\nice, when I got aroused and that started it all, that shit, you know, by having\nme think of you,\" Sean yelled nose to nose with Xander's frightened and\nshocked muzzle.\"More, hurt\nhim more!\"\"I was put in isolation for breaking a camp rule and\nall I wanted was you, mom, and dad to get me out of there, but no! He was at\ncamp it must have been fucking great... Like I ever wanted to be in that shithole.\nYou left me there thinking of how I broke my promises, and then hearing over\nand over my every sin in verses, they read my journal and lectured me on my feelings\nfor you and that if I had accepted a celibate life I wouldn't have been\nraped!\" Sean yelled knees failing he fell onto Xander.\"You are weak,\njust pathetic-\"\"Sean hate me if you need to but I'll still love\nyou, I'm so sorry that happened,\" Xander said.\"I live like a celibate, I'm allergic to cats and\ncanids were ruined for me, and I only get turned on by shit that scares\nme,\" Sean felt Xander guiding his stumbling feet to the guest bed.\"Because you\nare a monster you need to jump next-\"\"You have allergy meds, everything is getting\nbetter,\" Xander said.\"Why don't you hate me, I led you on for\nyears,\" Sean said while Xander made him lay down.\"You are my best friend, I'll never hate you.\nAnyway, you said you weren't trying to lead me on.\"\"I didn't think you thought of it that way I thought\nyou'd see it as just cuddling, I was trying to get turned on,\" Sean said.\"I understand, I think,\" Xander said.\"You must think I'm completely fucked up.\" Sean\nfelt Xander's arms wrap around him with a blanket that covered them.\"No you didn't turn to drugs your just having a\nrough patch... I am sorry I told your mom but I can't change that, I want to be\nhere for you now.\"\"But I'm so perverted, I keep having rape fantasies,\nthe first sexual thought of you was me nearly raping you,\" Sean said\nhiding under the blanket.\"Oh... Well that's progress right, you had an\naversion to canids and I was in a fantasy, albeit kinkier and a sore subject\nmatter for you, that's progress,\" Xander said.\"Wow, and I thought I was fucked up, how is getting\noff on hurting you progress?\"\"Think about it, right after that camp I couldn't\ntouch you without you freaking out, I thought it was just that you were pissed Sean.\nWe are cuddling right now, you are changing yourself.\"\"I'm scared what if I become like him, the guy that\ndid this to me, I'd kill myself first,\" Sean said then yelped when Xander's\nprotective hug hurt his shoulder.\"I won't let you kill yourself or become that\nmonster but you have to tell me what's going on in that neurotic little brain\nof yours,\" Xander said loosening his grip.The apartment door slammed open.\"Xander what happened!\" Oliver yelled in a\npanic.\"I just got back from Sean's attempted\nsuicide,\" Xander said.Sean ducked under the covers in embarrassment only hearing\nOliver enter the room.\"What! How did all that happen,\" Oliver asked,\nthe edge of the bed sagged.\"Well I pulled him off the fence trying to\njump,\" Xander said.\"Fuck why would he do that?\"\"You'll have to ask him.\"\"I can't I broke my phone.\"Sean snaked his good arm around Oliver earning a startle\nyelp, \"I'm right here you dork.\"\"Thank Goodness, Xander was freaking me out then my\ndad called and I kinda stomped on my phone,\" Oliver said.Sean squirmed as Oliver crushed his shoulder with a hug.\"uhm, might want to be gentle on him, I kinda hurt\nhis shoulder stopping him from jumping,\" Xander said.\"Can we not talk about it... it's\nembarrassing,\" Sean said.Oliver kissed Sean, \"I'm so happy you are ok, now\nstay that way,\" then he kissed Xander.Sean felt Xander get a little hard against him. Show off, you make it look so Alpha damned\neasy.Sean felt Oliver's legs twine with his as he slipped\nunder the blanket to cuddle.Xander said, \"Well I'll let you two snuggl-Oliver pulled Xander into Sean's little spoon.Sean could smell both Oliver and Xander had gotten horny.But they just snuggled.\"You both said you're my family don't ever\nleave,\" Oliver said sleepily nuzzling Sean's ear.Sean wrapped his and Oliver's paws around Xander's chest.They lay for a time, then Xander asked, \"Sean, are\nyou awake?\"\"Yeah, but I think Oliver passed out, he didn't get\nmuch sleep last night.\"\"Ok, I couldn't tell who was snoring. I passed out\non the bus to city hall.\"\"Then I guess its nap time,\" Sean said.\"Ok, but I want to know about your fantasies, why do\nthey scare you so much,\" Xander asked.\"What if I get lonely or start thinking about acting\non them,\" Sean asked.\"I don't think you would.\"\"When I was here with Oliver, I was amping myself up\nwith his rape story. You know pinning him and then I realized what I was doing,\nit freaked me out.\"\"It must be hard realizing that you find the thing\nthat caused so much pain hot.\"\"What if I'm just using him to get better just like\nI used you,\" Sean asked.\"Talk to Oliver about it,\" Xander said.\"I can't do that.\"\"Sean you need too.\"\nOliver sniffed his cheek and licked him then\nwent back to snoring.","previous":"https://fse.anthro.fr/stories/1124038-untouchable-chapter-50-commitments-for-tomorrow-xander.json","next":"https://fse.anthro.fr/stories/1131636-untouchable-chapter-52-stained-glass-menagerie-oliver.json"}