# Second Chances - Chapter 16

Author: Otter Miqmah
Tags: College, Deer, Gay Relationships, Porcupine, Sad, Story Progression, Story Series, Suicide

#16 of Second Chances

Darrick has a rough night.

My mind was traveling behind me.  It felt like I was walking through a thick fog where everything was slowed down to half speed.  I could feel my heart beating in my throat.  The chilled night air sank deep into my fur through my shirt, and puffs of breath would flash into my vision as I walked along the road.  There was just enough moonlight to make out what was ahead of me.  I could hear the river churning as my hooves slid across the dirt.  A car hadn't passed by in a while, which made sense on spring break in a college town. 

I could just barely make out the wooden and steel beams of the bridge ahead of me.  The breeze was colder as I passed beyond the tree line.  The moon glistened over the turbulent water below, mixing and swirling its gleam in circles near the edge. 

With a deep breath, I stepped out on to the wooden walkway.  It was an old bridge on a rarely used road leading out of town, one the city never bothered to replace.  I ran my hand along the weathered beam separating me from the edge.  My fingers would hop over the large metal bolts keeping it together.  The smell of the river was strong as the crisp wind filled my lungs.  I stopped halfway and looked down at the water. The moonlight didn't touch the solid black beneath me, but I could hear it moving and churning away.  I felt a shiver travel down my spine.  I was cold, but it wouldn't matter in a few minutes. 

I gripped the solid wooden rail, and carefully climbed over, resting my hooves on a thin section of boards sticking out on the other side.  I held my body close to the railing, my grip tightening as I looked down into the black nothingness. 

My mind went through a quick checklist of things, to make sure I hadn't forgotten anything.  I turned in my paper.  I had my ID on me so they'd know who I was.  I left a note on my desk in my room, explaining everything.  I felt my grip loosen, and I closed my eyes. 

The fox flashed into my memory, and I gripped the railing again.  I didn't want him to be my last thought.  I shook my head, but I couldn't get the thought of him out. 

"Fuck you Jude!  Leave me alone!" I yelled to myself, opening my eyes, and holding on tighter as the abyss stared back.  "I just want to die in peace, why are you haunting me?"

His smile.  His stupid smile, warmly welcoming me into his house after I stopped looking for my mom.  That stupid, ignorant, innocent smile.  How could I continue living knowing that I would never be able to get that smile out of my head, knowing that smile had caused so much pain and misery in my life?  Every time I saw it, my stomach wretched.  Even after all I had been through to forget him, he was still there.  Even after all the agony, the suffering, the anguish, my love for him would torture me for as long as I would live.  So, I needed to end it. 

I needed to end the pain.  My father wouldn't understand.  Or maybe he would.  I was choosing my death he told me my mother had taken.  I was living his lie in some poetic, cosmic joke that was my life.  He wouldn't miss me; he never missed me.  And my sister had always been indifferent toward me, and I to her.  Even my own mom, who raised me for 16 years, walked out one day forever, leaving all of us without so much as a goodbye.  My roommate would be happy to have his own room.  Plus, I heard you get an automatic 4.0 GPA if your roommate offed themselves.  He'd enjoy that.  My loss would remove more burden than it would cause.   I had no reason to keep struggling though this disaster brewing inside of me. 

I closed my eyes again, focusing on the cold air around me to clear my mind.  I didn't want me last thoughts to be about those other faces either.  I just wanted to go peacefully with a clear mind. 

The rough wooden texture under my fingers slid away, and I felt myself balancing on the thin strip of board under me.  The river's roar echoed in my ear.  I breathed in filling my lungs with the fresh, cool air, and breathed out, knowing it would be my last.

This was it.  I leaned forward.

"Ehh, don't do it."

I scrambled to grip onto the railing as my eyes shot open.  My arms slammed hard into the wood and I turned my head to a scruffy looking porcupine looking out at the water.  "What the fuck!" I yelled, trying to regain my balance.  He seemed unphased.

"They say tha' most jumpers regret it halfway down."  He just looked out onto the water.  "And, tha's a pretty bad time to change yer mind.  Ya see, right below us is about ten feet of sticky mud.  Ya'd plummet down, get stuck and stay there forever.  Well, until yer body bloats up enough for ya to pop up like a bobber.  Assuming yer not stuck on somethin' else like a tire or a bike or somethin'."

I just stared at the porcupine, not sure how to respond.

"Plus, ya'd make life a pretty crappy hell for those who'd haveta try and fish ya out.  Would ya liketa dive down there for a stranger?"  He looked down briefly before tilting his head to me.  "What'ya runnin' from?"

"Nothing," I said, looking down at the dark water.  "Maybe everything.  I don't know."

"Seems like a pretty big jump for a 'I dun know'."

"It's complicated."

"I got time."

"You wouldn't understand." 

"Ehh.  Ya'd be surprised at wha I understand."

"Well.... it's personal."

"Are ya just gonna keep givin' me chicken shit excuses, or are ya gonna tell the only person ya got in the world right now?"

I looked down at the water.  I could still do it.  It'd just not be quite the same moment as I had in my head with a strange, vagrant porcupine gruffly trying to talk me off the ledge.

"I'm gay."

"Yeah?  And?"

I looked up at him.  "That's it."

He looked at me.  His beady little eyes stared back.  "Yeah.  Tha's it.  Exactly."

"See, I told you you wouldn't understand."  I turned back to the churning water in front of me.  "Now, please leave me alone so I can die in peace."

"One of my sons is gay."

I looked back at him.

"He was a lot like ya," the porcupine continued.  "He thought the whole world was over.  Thought no one could love him cuz he wa' different.  Went and wrote out a whole letter to me and his ma, explainin' how he couldn't live with himself and how sorry he was for being wrong.  I walked in on him putting a noose 'round his neck in the basement."

"I'm sorry to hear that."

"Ya know where he is now?"

I shook my head. 

"Happy an' married to the love o' his life.  They just adopted a lil' kid.  I'm a gran'pa now."

I looked out at the river.  My grip tightened around the railing.  "Congratulations."

"What's his name?"

"What?  Your son's name?"

"No.  Tha name o' the love o' yer life."

"Oh... Jude."

"An' where is he?"

"I don't know." 

"Well, ya better find him."

"I tried."

"Wha' do ya think he'd think of ya hanging off a bridge right now?"

My stomach tied in a knot.  "I don't know if he even remembers me."

"Ya jus said he was the love o' yer life."

"That was a long time ago.  He's probably moved on by now."

"Are ya willin' to take the risk?"

The porcupine looked me dead in the eye.  I shook my head.  He held out a paw, and helped me over the railing.  I shivered and looked over the edge again.

"Yer not gonna be happy 'til ya let the love in.  Don't destroy it all just fer a silly thing like bein' different.  Ya got love out there, waiting."

I felt my eyes begin to water up, and I wrapped my arms around the porcupine.  He was warm and I felt a quill stab my palm through his jacket, but I hugged tighter, and I felt the tears roll down my cheeks.  "Thank you," I whispered.

"Ya welcome."

Source: https://sofurry.com/view/1173501

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