{"sf1_id":1354197,"sf2_id":null,"title":"Twas the Night before....WTF?!?!","author":"Xenosmilus","words":2451,"posted_at":"2018-07-25T23:03:00.000Z","tags":["Curse words","Easter Bunny","Gay","Holiday","M/M","Poem","Random","Santa","WTF","absurd","dilf","idk","silly","stupid"],"url":"https://fse.anthro.fr/stories/1354197-twas-the-night-before-wtf","original_url":"https://sofurry.com/view/1354197","image_url":"https://www.sofurryfiles.com/std/thumb?page=1354197\u0026ext=.jpg","description":"I don't know either.","content":"_WARNING:  \nThere is no good explanation for this. It's weird, it's...it's all kinds of just WTF. I don't know how it derailed so far.  \nI was reading a poem, started writing a little copy just to end boredom, and somehow, it just...devolved and mutated into this.  \nSo... I don't know. I wondered, before I erased it \"Should I take it home and upload it? It's insane and made out of absolute boredom over hours.\"_ IDK. I may delete it later.\n\nTwas the night before X-mas, when all through the house,\n\nNot one lazy bastard\u0026nbsp;was stirring. Not even that triflin'-ass mouse;  \n\nThe stockings were hung by the chimney, below where knickity-knacks sat,  \n\nWho the hell hangs up their nasty ass socks,\u0026nbsp;bruh? Tell me, please,\u0026nbsp;where they do that at?\n\nAnyway...\n\nAll this fuckery\u0026nbsp;was done in hopes that St. Nicholas would soon arrive,  \nBut hasn't it been\u0026nbsp;centuries since\u0026nbsp;that Turkish man was even\u0026nbsp;alive?\n\nThem bad ass kids were nestled all in their beds,  \nWhile visions of trailer meth and social media\u0026nbsp;danced in their heads;  \nWhuh? What the hell's a \"sugar plum\"? Some fruit rolled in some sugar?!  \nNobody wants that lousy ghetto ass shit, I'd rather dream of Freddy Kreuger.\n\nAnd momma in her 'kerchief, and I in my cap,  \nWe got it in tonight, that big ass\u0026nbsp;is full of red handprints I slapped. ;)\n\nAfter some kama sutra, with turkey feathers, werewolf masks,\u0026nbsp;and a swing that thrice broke,  \nFrom the lawn arose such a clatter that I almost done choke,\n\nI sprang from the bed when I heard that very\u0026nbsp;clatter,  \n\nSomebody's gettin' shot if they touch my gyros platter.  \n\nAway to the window I flew like a flash,  \n\nWith my balls swingin' out in the open like true white trash.  \n\nThe moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow,  \n\nShined bright as a police search light on all the shit\u0026nbsp;below,  \n\nWhen what to my wondering eyes? GASP! Did\u0026nbsp;appear!  \n\nBut a fat ass drunk in a broke down buggy with eight ugly\u0026nbsp;ass\u0026nbsp;deer,  \n\nThat old\u0026nbsp;bastard was\u0026nbsp;lively, and damn he was\u0026nbsp;quick,  \n\nHe had on more red than a Valentine's Day trick.  \nAnd he whistled, and shouted, and called deer\u0026nbsp;by name  \nThe way he did it was ghetto, I think he had no shame:\n\n\"Yo Rudolph, ayy Blitzen, and Dasher, and my pet cow Hamburger!  \n\nOn,\u0026nbsp;_Air-Wrecka_! on,\u0026nbsp;_Consuela_! on,\u0026nbsp;_Bubba Jo\u0026nbsp;_and\u0026nbsp;_Asperger_!  \n\nTo the top of the porch! to the top of the wall! It's almost ten till!  \n\nBut land straight, and land right\u0026nbsp;because this red shit's still a rental.\"  \n\nHe slurped from a brown bottle, and quickly gulped his libation,  \nThen he muttereda utter, \"Fuck this shit, man. I'm still on probation...\"  \n\"Uppity ass elfs,\" he sneered, \"...with their civil rights, now so bold! I knew I shouldn'tve choked that special one\u0026nbsp;out cold.  \nLook, I was mad cuz\u0026nbsp;I walked in on Mrs. Claus and\u0026nbsp;Krampus, gettin it in! He saw me and lol'd!!!  \nAnd besides, every day\u0026nbsp;I only have\u0026nbsp;a couple drinks, not much... just around\u0026nbsp;24.\u0026nbsp;  \nJudge Judy should realize\u0026nbsp;I couldn't even remember shootin up the ceiling\u0026nbsp;and the floor.\"\n\nAs leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,\n\nEvery step he made saw a jello-ey jiggle of his big, Kardashian thighs;  \n\nSo up to the housetop, the sleigh and deer\u0026nbsp;flew  \n\nAnd he screamed \"Nasty bastards!\" because mid-flight, a deer let loose some rein-deer rein-doo.  \nTwas a storm of\u0026nbsp;little brown balls, each preciously\u0026nbsp;filled with pure stench,  \nSlapped him in the face, and many a curse and threat\u0026nbsp;came from between yellow teeth so clenched.  \n\"Don't do that shit again!\"\u0026nbsp;he hissed, as the slay came low, \"I'll do you like Comet and sell you to Alpo.\"  \nWith the sleigh full of toys, and St. Nicholas too--  \nOn the rooftop it landed gently, and the one cow let out a moo.  \nHe stepped from the sleigh and shushed calm his four legged crew,  \nHoisted the bag of toys, grunted, and groaned \"Damn, Santa gotta doo doo.\"\n\nAnd then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof  \n\nThe prancing and pawing of each little hoof.  \n\nAs I drew in my head, and was turning around,  \n\nDown the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound.  \n\nThat's breaking-and-entering, so I grabbed the 40 gauge. Stand my Ground.  \nHe was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,\n\nHis clothes were\u0026nbsp;tarnished with ashes and soot, he twirled like a ballet;  \n\nHe looked like a wino from the back of a alley.  \nHe smelled like Wal-Mart, and trust me, he just looked like hell.\u0026nbsp;  \nI don't know if this drunk\u0026nbsp;stole those toys, or just got 'em on sale.  \nThat\u0026nbsp;bundle of who-knows-what,\u0026nbsp;he had flung on his back,  \nAnd all that ass meat, ohhhh, Santa is STACKED.\n\n\u0026nbsp;\n\nHis eyes--how they twinkled! his dimples, how merry!\n\nHis cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!  \n\nHe swished them hips, baby, as if his name was Halle Berry!  \n\nAnd the beard on his chin was as white as the snow;  \n\nThat red nose, and such\u0026nbsp;energy!\u0026nbsp;He must like that blow.  \nHis eyelashes were long, and his lips glistening pouted so cute.  \nI couldn't tell if he was drunk, high, or just some kinky ass fruit.  \nThe stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,\u0026nbsp;\n\nAnd the smoke, it encircled his head like a wreath;  \n\nHis eyes blazed red, and they blinked ever so dimly.  \nHe's high as a mother fucker, why else would a fat old white man jump down a stranger's chimney?  \nHe had a broad face and a little round belly\n\nAnd the fat rolls behind his neck looked like ham slabs at the discount deli.  \n\nHe was chubby and plump, like a jolly man\u0026nbsp;at the bar,  \n\nAnd I laughed when I saw him, held up my phone, and squealed \"World Star!\";  \n\nA reddening of his face and a twist of his head,  \n\nHe grimaced, then winked to let\u0026nbsp;me know I had nothing to dread;  \n\nHe spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,  \n\nAnd grabbed them ankles and commence to twerk.  \n\nEvery bounce of those cheeks, sent loudly a jingle,  \nThen I knew I seen him before, on Instagram, \"Big Booty Kringle\".  \nHe twerked 'jingle bells', oh how it gave me a tingle!!!  \nI wanted the booty meat to squash me flatter than a pringle!  \nI slammed my face between his cheeks, I cried \"Please don't stop!\"  \nHe winked, and smiled, and said \"You just trynna get up in my \"work shop.\"  \nI grabbed his cheeks, and tried to pull back,  \nI wanted Santa, not what was in that big red sack.  \nAnd laying his finger aside of his nose,  \nHe snorted something I didnt see, I was lost in ecstacy's throes.  \nI cried \"Santa, lemme get deep in your stocking!\"  \nSanta winked again, saying \"Don't talk that shit if you're just mocking.\"\n\nSo he dropped his pants, and low hung his little red sack,  \nLike two hairless, shaved ornaments. But the cat dashed out to give 'em a whack.  \n\"FUCK THIS!\" he screamed, and went to pull out a PS4,  \nBut I slapped his ass like a $2 whore.  \nSanta said \"Ho, ho, ho! You like 'em thicc?\"  \nI said \"You tell me,\" and whipped out my holly jolly dick.  \nSanta's big white ass tumbled and thundered like a storm!  \nBut I was about to dive in him, like a hive and a bee swarm.  \nSo, I grabbed the cheeks, booty meat ever so fine,  \nAged to perfection over the centuries, like magical wine.  \nI penetrated deep, and Santa squealed like a girl.  \nI grunted \"St. Nick, I'm finna rock your world!\"  \nWith each and every pump, his butt made a sound like a bell jingles,  \nAnd with every Ho Ho Ho, I felt my orgasm come closer, sending tingles!  \nI said, \"Ohhh Nick\" while gripped him with hungry paws,  \nHe turned around, winked again, and said \"I'm not Nick. My name's Santa Claus!\"  \nI said \"Ain't that the same? Like seaweed and kelp?\"  \nHe said \"Nah, n\\*\\*\\*a, Nickolas was a dark skinned\u0026nbsp;Turkish man. I'm a fat ass elf.\"\n\nIt didn't matter to me, because I was tappin' Santa's ass,  \nAnd the neighbor was crying when she saw through the window\u0026nbsp;glass.  \nBut her crying made me hotter, and I was getting close to bustin' a nut,  \nIf Santa's a elf, then I wonder if a human can knock him up...  \nBut just as I was about to creampie Kris Kringle's donut hole,  \nDid my angry\u0026nbsp;ass wife storm down the stairs, why that nosy ho!  \nI cursed, because\u0026nbsp;she was ruining my private Christmas party,  \nBut Santa just\u0026nbsp;winked, and said, \"I've known Mary\u0026nbsp;since her name was Marty.\"  \nBut my wife didn't care, that didn't stop her glare.  \n\"You're fuckin' my hubby! DON'T YOU DARE!\"\n\nBut then her cell phone rung, and rung it did loud!  \nWho on the messenger spoke? THE EASTER BUNNY!!! AND PROUD!  \nHe said, \"Mary, I know your ass needs some easter greasin',  \nI wanna hide my eggs in your basket during every season!  \nI know me 'n' you been hoppin', boppin',\u0026nbsp;sneakin', and creepin'\u0026nbsp;around!   \nYour husband don't know you cum 20 times whenever I lay this\u0026nbsp;pipe down!  \nThat punk you got can't get with it, and I refuse to share!  \nNow, I wanna make you MY wife, and I'll be your beloved, bewedded hare.  \nI don't care about your past, I don't care what's between your thighs,  \nWill you be my easter baby?\" And Mary started to sniffle and cry.\n\nI glared at her while pumpin that jolly old fat man, not one stroke missed a beat,  \nMy voice cracked as I almost came, while I screamed \"HOW DARE YOU CHEAT!\"  \nThen Santa pushed me off, I fell out of his hole so wonderfully tight,  \nI wasn't done yet! The thought of not finishin' filled me with fright!\n\nBut Santa stood up, no pants, jingle balls out for all to see,  \nHe winked, snaked his neck like a sassy chick, and giggled \"Tee hee!\"  \nMy wife huffed up, intent to switch the subject quick.  \nShe yelled, \"Santa won't even finish you off, leaving you blue balls and throbbin' dick.\"  \nSanta snapped his fingers and twisted his neck,\u0026nbsp;fingernails long and candy cane striped, Oh!  \nHe said, \"Biiiiiiiiiiitch! Don't make me throw sand in your eyes! I'll fight any ho!\"\n\nBut it was right at that instant the easter bunny came bursting through the door,  \nHe sent it cracked into splinters, pieces, and more.  \nHis dick was so long, shiny, and striped. As if it been painted.  \nMary took one look, and she damn near fainted.  \nThe bunny looked at Santa, and he said \"So you're that bad mother fucker named Kris Kringle?!  \nI heard of\u0026nbsp;all the coal you left, and all the kids you left disappointed, you ain't worth pigeon shit on a shingle.  \nBoy, your reputation is 100%\u0026nbsp;pure hallmark made\u0026nbsp;reindeer\u0026nbsp;shit,   \nYou just sit on your ass in the snow,\u0026nbsp;Coca Cola's the one who made\u0026nbsp;it!\"\n\nSanta said, \"Why you long eared, rat-faced mother fucker! You ain't nothing but a sucker!  \nI'm the one who made a big snow storm on the 4th of July,   \nGave a headache to Excedrin, burned Icy-Hot, and made the truth tell a lie.  \nI may be a elf who looks like a big sweet man, and I don't like to tussle!  \nBut I will make a elf drop their draws, go out on the street, and hustle!  \nTheir ears may be pointed, they may be short, and maybe their voices sound funny,  \nBut get your pointy hatted head ass on that corner, and get Big Kris my\u0026nbsp;MONEY!!!\"\n\nThe rabbit got mad, and said, \"I don't have a tisket, not even a tasket!   \nI don't got one fucking fuck in my muh-fucking basket!  \nIt was in the\u0026nbsp;3000's BC, when I started my pimpin trick, I was calling giants racist slurs, and cyclopses \"bitch\".  \nI swam the pacific and never got wet, I went to ancient Egypt and slapped the black off Set.  \nI drowned the desert and not one drop was pouring, at 25 feet I pissed through the eye of a needle for sewing!  \nBigfoot went to the news screaming he got proof I exist, and I'm the sneaky asshole who digitized your list.  \nI stung a bee and the whole hive cried, I got bit by a cobra and in 5 minutes he died.  \nKris, I challenge you to a fuckin' duel! And whoever cums last wins the right to rule!\"\n\nIt was then one of the reindeers let out a air-thundering fart. Thats the bell for the sex contest to start.\n\nThe easter bunny angled his multi-colored\u0026nbsp;dick like a knight's lance! Santa twerked till the house rumbled like thunder, even after the bunny dived deep up his jinglin' ass.  \nSanta began to MOAN, began to GROAN, beggin' for more! They did it all through the house, up the tree, the ornaments\u0026nbsp;and right\u0026nbsp;out the front door.  \nThe bunny grunted, and\u0026nbsp;Santa began to SQUEAL! They even fucked all the snow, ice, and\u0026nbsp;asphalt off the neighborhood's hill.  \nThey fucked on the snowflakes, back in\u0026nbsp;the house, up the chimney, and onto the roof! They teleport banged, nothing but the sounds of sex and sparkly\u0026nbsp;clouds going POOF!\u0026nbsp;  \nSanta twerked to the left, to the right, twerked so hard that eggs\u0026nbsp;shot out the rabbit's ass like fire from a rocket.  \nBut the rabbit slapped a basket over Santa's head, got to stroking till he almost pulled that merry\u0026nbsp;asshole out of socket.  \nSanta tried to pull a move\u0026nbsp;and bounced like a tire,   \nbut the rabbit was fast, had Santa's balls screaming \"The roof is on fire!\"\u0026nbsp;\n\nBut it was about that time that the sky turned green, and snowed down frozen lemon juice. People started screaming like Godzilla was loose.  \nJack O'Lantern just that moment\u0026nbsp;then strolled through the door,   \nhe had the hottest witch for a wife with 15 abs rippling for a core.  \nOutside the house was a black and orange Mercedes Benz, driven by the wolf man.  \nThe back was full of zombie and monster femboys, and they looked like much more than fans.  \nJack shouted \"Halt If you dont stop with all this shameless, embarrassing acts of a cretin...  \nI'mma kick your asses till your hearts stop beatin'!\"\n\nHe looked down at me, still on the floor, through red eyes glowing like flames,  \nHe said, \"What the hell is THIS?! This is a damn, DAMN shame...  \nOf the holidays, don't you know that now I'm the boss?  \nThe Leprechaun sucks me, the valentine fairy fucks me, and thanksgiving jacks me off.  \nSo, I'm going to put a end to this shamelessness you decided to tell.  \nDo it one more time, and I'm sending the boogey make your life hell.\"\n\nSo, I looked at my text, and Mary said \"Honey, don't push Send.\"  \nI pushed Delete, and damn... I guess that's the end.\n\n  \n  \n\n"}