{"sf1_id":182090,"sf2_id":"3egdBl6m","title":"Second Chances: Chapter 1","author":"ArcticRose","words":1934,"posted_at":"2010-09-29T05:34:00.000Z","tags":["Depression","Fox","Gay","No-Yiff","Second Chances"],"url":"https://fse.anthro.fr/stories/182090-second-chances-chapter-1","original_url":"https://sofurry.com/s/3egdBl6m","image_url":"https://cdn.sofurryfiles.com/submissions/thumbnails/83/d9/83d9c836-f1ae-4f18-95a0-fc116924a00d","description":"#12 of Ar","content":"\u0026nbsp;\n\nAuthor's note -\u0026nbsp;There is gay content in this story so if that disturbs you in anyway, too bad if\u0026nbsp;this is not for you.\u0026nbsp; This is my first story and was originally meant as a cathardic release for my emotions so if it is not up to par, sorry.\u0026nbsp; I did, however start to become attatched to the story line and created a chapter 2 and 3 so if anyone likes this I'll upload the other chapters.\u0026nbsp; Feel free to critisize as I am just starting to write for others to actually view so I'll probably need alot of improvement.\u0026nbsp; Please enjoy.\n\n---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------\n\n\u0026nbsp; I wanted to start by saying that where we begin our little tale isn't\u0026nbsp;exactly the most proud moment in my life, in fact I believe it is\u0026nbsp;exactly the opposite.\u0026nbsp; Hi I'm Rose, I know it's a girls name and I\u0026nbsp;hate that my parents don't see anything wrong with it, \"it'll toughen\u0026nbsp;the kid up\" was my fathers reasoning.\u0026nbsp; It's not too bad though cause I\u0026nbsp;soon earned the nickname Ar.\u0026nbsp; It's short for Arctic Rose, which my\u0026nbsp;friends deemed me for the deep blue color of my fur, alas this has\u0026nbsp;nothing to do with the story, or as I believed it to be, the end of my story.  \n\u0026nbsp; I was staring at the counter at 6 in the morning sleep deprived,\u0026nbsp;every time I laid in bed the thoughts kept coming back, thoughts\u0026nbsp;that I didn't want to believe existed.\u0026nbsp; My problem here is that I\u0026nbsp;believed that my church and parents were right when they said being\u0026nbsp;gay is a choice.\u0026nbsp; I had tried everything I possibly could to change my\u0026nbsp;thought process, I tried being homophobic, going to church 5 days a\u0026nbsp;week, ignoring that I had any feelings at all, being super flirty with\u0026nbsp;all the girls, and trying to keep so busy and stressed I thought I\u0026nbsp;wouldn't find time for the thoughts to creep in.\u0026nbsp; Nothing helped and\u0026nbsp;nothing changed, as soon as I saw a tented pair of equine pants or a\u0026nbsp;cute lupine ass my mind went wild and in your senior year of high\u0026nbsp;school you see plenty of those.\u0026nbsp; I even ended up quitting the swim\u0026nbsp;team because there was a silver wolf, Luke, that just drove me wild.\u0026nbsp;So after all my plans failed and I had yet to be able to make the\u0026nbsp;\"right choice\" according to my parents I saw only one avenue that was\u0026nbsp;left, and that was to kick the bucket, say asta la vista, au revoir,\u0026nbsp;my final good night.\u0026nbsp; Suicide just seemed to be the last option\u0026nbsp;available to me and I was surprisingly calm about it is as the foil crinkled as I popped out each of the individual pills from their wrappers.\u0026nbsp; That is so annoying can't the put\u0026nbsp;name brand sleeping pills\u0026nbsp;in a bottle like ibuprofen, I feel like I shouldn't need to exert\u0026nbsp;myself before I commit suicide, at least one thing in my life should\u0026nbsp;be easy.\u0026nbsp; After popping out the pills I arranged them in a square\u0026nbsp;pattern, an odd time for my slight OCD to kick in, and I stared at the 16 neatly arranged pills and took a deep breath.\u0026nbsp; Well all my other\u0026nbsp;plans had failed and I always need a plan, having a plan keeps you on\u0026nbsp;track, it keeps your goals achievable.\u0026nbsp; There was no suicide note; I couldn't fathom disgracing my family with the tid bit of WHY I was doing this.  \n\u0026nbsp; Well down the hatch.\u0026nbsp; I always was impressed with my ability to dry swallow pills.\u0026nbsp; I felt my chest tighten, and I then stood up and stumbled to the ground.\u0026nbsp; I heard a scream and then black.\u0026nbsp; Nothing.\u0026nbsp; I knew I was going to hell because of the whole being gay thing but this\u0026nbsp;wasn't what I expected. I was standing I blackness, naked, so this was\u0026nbsp;my eternity huh?\u0026nbsp; Suddenly my knees hit the ground followed by my face\u0026nbsp;hitting the \"floor\".\u0026nbsp; My eyelids were really heavy as I forced them\u0026nbsp;open as best I could.  \n\u0026nbsp; Shit.\u0026nbsp; A hospital bed.  \n\u0026nbsp; Apparently even the ability to properly commit suicide is out of my\u0026nbsp;reach.\u0026nbsp; I let out a small sigh and a tear ran down the right side of\u0026nbsp;my face moistening the fur as it travelled.\u0026nbsp; I guess this is a good\u0026nbsp;time to let you in on a little bit more about my physical features.\u0026nbsp; I\u0026nbsp;am a fox with navy blue fur and baby blue \"fox socks and sleeves\" my\u0026nbsp;ears are long and pointed and seem to slowly change from navy blue at\u0026nbsp;the base to a small white tuft at the top.\u0026nbsp; I also have two unique\u0026nbsp;white birth marks on my face directly under each eye that look like elongated triangles, I've been told It makes me look like I've been\u0026nbsp;crying so much the color simply washed out of my fur.\u0026nbsp; I stand a 6ft\u0026nbsp;even, well not counting ears I think that's cheating when people do\u0026nbsp;that, and I have a slim build not really lanky but definitely thin and\u0026nbsp;without a whole lot of definition.\u0026nbsp; By this point I had stopped crying\u0026nbsp;and in walked a doctor, I had assumed, carrying a clip board and\u0026nbsp;several pens.\u0026nbsp; Which looked a little funny in her small rabbit hands,\u0026nbsp;standard white rabbit type really, looks wise at least.  \n\u0026nbsp; \"Hello, my name is doctor Black and I have a few questions for\u0026nbsp;you...\" she paused as she flipped through the chart at the foot if my\u0026nbsp;bed for my name, oh yeah here it comes, \"...Rose?\"\u0026nbsp; And there was that\u0026nbsp;confused look on her face as she glanced up for approval, as if she\u0026nbsp;needed me to tell her that she wasn't hallucinating when she saw my\u0026nbsp;name.  \n\u0026nbsp; \"Yes.\u0026nbsp; Bur please call me Ar,\" I said letting her have the sweet\u0026nbsp;peace of mind that seemed to hang in the balance that could be blown\u0026nbsp;to pieces from something like a misplaced chart.  \n\u0026nbsp; \"OK, then mister Miller, I just have a few yes or no questions for\u0026nbsp;you to assess your condition and when you can go home.\u0026nbsp; I am also\u0026nbsp;obligated to inform you that no matter what your responses are you\u0026nbsp;will be held for observation for 24 hours.\u0026nbsp; Do you understand what I\u0026nbsp;have just said?\"  \n\u0026nbsp; \"yeah\"  \n\u0026nbsp; \"Ok, has anyone else in your family either attempted or committed\u0026nbsp;suicide?  \n\u0026nbsp; \"No\"  \n\u0026nbsp; \"Are you currently or have recently abused any substances?\"  \n\u0026nbsp; \"Well besides the sleeping pills just now, no\"  \n\u0026nbsp; \"Have you ever attempted to commit suicide before this?\"  \n\u0026nbsp; \"No\"  \n\u0026nbsp; \"Have you lost any loved ones recently?\"  \n\u0026nbsp; \"No\"  \n\u0026nbsp; \"Do you have any confusion or conflict about you sexual orientation?\"  \n\u0026nbsp; I stopped cold.\u0026nbsp; Why would that be an issue, I mean sure that was\u0026nbsp;the reason I had done what I did but it couldn't be that common.\u0026nbsp;Surely I was just a weak exception to the rule.  \n\u0026nbsp; \"Mr. Miller do you need me to repeat the question?\"  \n\u0026nbsp; \"I don't see how that piece of information is any of you damn\u0026nbsp;business!\". Oh, shit, if that didn't make it obvious I don't know what\u0026nbsp;would of. \"Besides I don't see how that has anything to do with how I\u0026nbsp;attempted to commit suicide\". I wish I would think about what I say\u0026nbsp;before I say it a little more, the word attempted just left a sour taste in my mouth that I definitely did not care for.  \n\u0026nbsp; \"Mr. Miller it is obviously relevant, research shows that youths\u0026nbsp;with same-sex romantic partnerships are twice as likely to attempt\u0026nbsp;suicide.\u0026nbsp; The stress of coming to terms with ones sexual identity in\u0026nbsp;a culture that generally shuns or demeans minority sexual preferences\u0026nbsp;contributes to this self-destructive behavior.\u0026nbsp; These youth generally\u0026nbsp;also have less parental and peer support.\"  \n\u0026nbsp; I just sat there and absorbed what she said and was speechless.\u0026nbsp; I\u0026nbsp;tried to open my mouth to say something but nothing came out.\u0026nbsp; \"If you need you can circle yes or no on this questionnaire and\u0026nbsp;return it to me when you finish.\"  \n\u0026nbsp; \"I'll do that\" I spluttered out as quickly as I possibly could.\u0026nbsp; I\u0026nbsp;started breathing a little bit heavier trying to catch my breath, I\u0026nbsp;couldn't tell if it was the medication or the fact that someone just\u0026nbsp;mentioned the gay thing out loud so easily and clinically that it felt\u0026nbsp;like a heavy blow to the stomach.\u0026nbsp; \"Do you have to tell my parents?\"  \n\u0026nbsp; \"It is your choice Mr. Miller, you are now 18 and therefore have all\u0026nbsp;the privilege of doctor patient confidentiality.\"  \n\u0026nbsp; \"Thank you\" was all I managed to whisper. As I filled out the\u0026nbsp;questionnaire I realized now how many categories for possible suicide\u0026nbsp;an warning signs I fit under, teen male over the age of 16,\u0026nbsp;sleeplessness, pessimistic, recent loss of religious beliefs,\u0026nbsp;helplessness, and viewing yourself as isolated.\u0026nbsp; Although one question\u0026nbsp;did make me giggle, which got an eyebrow raise from the doctor was,\u0026nbsp;\"Have you ever inquired how to become an organ donor?\". I guess it\u0026nbsp;made sense but it was right between the questions \"Have you ever found yourself telling people you've decided to kill yourself?\" and \"Do you\u0026nbsp;believe in suicide as an answer?\". So it just seemed a little ridiculous.\n\n\u0026nbsp; After the questionnaire was filled out she brought my mom into the\u0026nbsp;room and my ears dropped and my eyes fell to the floor so heavy I felt\u0026nbsp;like my gaze could break through the linoleum covered floors.\u0026nbsp; My\u0026nbsp;mother was an arctic fox who stood at 5'9\" and had brown tips to her\u0026nbsp;white fur, with brilliant hazel eyes that watered so painfully they\u0026nbsp;seemed to weigh on my soul.\u0026nbsp; Apparently I had forgotten that my mother\u0026nbsp;leaves for work at around 6:30.\u0026nbsp; 'So that's where the scream came\u0026nbsp;from' I reasoned.\u0026nbsp; Maybe if I hadn't taken so long to take the pills\u0026nbsp;out if those damned wrappers it wouldn't of just been an attempt.  \n\u0026nbsp; She broke through the silence with one simple word, \"Why?\". I\u0026nbsp;couldn't help it, I broke down in tears.\u0026nbsp; You would have too if you\u0026nbsp;felt those eyes.\u0026nbsp; She just stood there off a little bit to the side,\u0026nbsp;as the grief dissipated it was replaced with disappointment.\u0026nbsp; Nothing\u0026nbsp;new there.\u0026nbsp; \"When you can answer me call and I'll be right there, and\u0026nbsp;we'll make a plan.\u0026nbsp; Just like always we can get through this, we can\u0026nbsp;get through anything\". I just nodded and continued sobbing as she left\u0026nbsp;the room.  \n\u0026nbsp; The rest of my 24 hour \"observation\" period went by fairly\u0026nbsp;uneventfully.\u0026nbsp; \"Observation\" was just a not so secret code for make\u0026nbsp;sure he doesn't try to off himself again.\u0026nbsp; Besides being bored and not\u0026nbsp;being allowed visitors, not that any would come, the day just crept by\u0026nbsp;in that hospital bed.\u0026nbsp; At the end they gave me back my clothes and\u0026nbsp;just had me sign out to leave as I walked home.  \n\u0026nbsp; It was November and it was my version of perfect weather, in So Cal\u0026nbsp;it's usually just dry heat... And I am not a fan of it but, in November it\u0026nbsp;gets cloudy and cool breezes blow and it gets nice and chilly.\u0026nbsp; The\u0026nbsp;kind of weather where you want to stay inside and curl up with a cup of\u0026nbsp;hot chocolate and relax.\u0026nbsp; I love cold weather, I guess that's just\u0026nbsp;another reason for the \"Arctic\" in my nickname.  \n\u0026nbsp; On the way to my house from the hospital there is a tiny,\u0026nbsp;insignificant, and at night, shady park that is nice in the cool\u0026nbsp;morning breeze.\u0026nbsp; I walk over to the benches and sat down to enjoy the\u0026nbsp;breeze, completely ignoring my current situation, when I heard some\u0026nbsp;soft sobs from behind me.\u0026nbsp; I turned around and there he was, that\u0026nbsp;  \nbeautiful silver wolf from the swim team, the one who has the crystal\u0026nbsp;clear blue eyes that make you think his soul is pure with the\u0026nbsp;black tips of his cute silver ears, the one that my dreams were made of, and\u0026nbsp;he was crying.  \n\u0026nbsp; \"Hey Luke\"\n\n  \n  \n\n","series":{"name":"Ar","next":"https://fse.anthro.fr/stories/182101-second-chances-chapter-2.json"}}