{"sf1_id":1925807,"sf2_id":"J1O99A4m","title":"Alpha Male Meets Tom Cruise: A Chillunz Storie","author":"Avoozl","words":906,"posted_at":"2022-11-26T20:57:00.000Z","tags":["Action","Alpha Male","Cults","L. Ron Hubbard","Offensive Language","Tom cruise","Violence","anti-hero","celebrities","homophobia","scientology"],"url":"https://fse.anthro.fr/stories/1925807-alpha-male-meets-tom-cruise-a-chillunz-storie","original_url":"https://sofurry.com/s/J1O99A4m","image_url":"https://cdn.sofurryfiles.com/submissions/thumbnails/e7/ea/e7ea9c6a-e9c6-4d3c-a61a-5c6c11fae618","description":"#1 of Poetry\n\nNow this is an old one. It's also an extremely offensive one. I recommend you don't read this poem, as it contains the following disclaimers: Homophobia, multi-level marketing persecution, celebrities, extreme violence, slurs, and probably some other stuff.\nPlease take this with a grain of salt. It's meant to be offensive. Nothing is expected of you, the reader, other than this. Any opinions which may be interpreted from this work are not necessarily those of the author. Remember: It's just a poem.","content":"Alpha Male was a manly man  \nwho always loved killin'.  \nHe'd hunt down baby animals  \nand then he would grill 'em.  \n  \nAlpha Male would work out  \nten hours each day.  \nHis delts were like slabs  \nof fine, sculpted clay. \u0026nbsp;  \n  \nGuns made the man;  \nno hippie could stop him.  \nHe'd bench press all the nerds  \nwho trespassed in his gym.  \n  \nAlpha Male's women  \nhe can pick and choose,  \nand like any real man  \nhe only drinks booze.  \n  \nHis car is quite loud;  \nit's thrumming all night  \nto annoy all his neighbors  \nout of sheer spite.  \n  \nHe doesn't like rhyming;  \nhe thinks it's for queers.  \nHe'll wash down raw eggs  \nwith twenty-two beers.  \n  \nAlpha Male is a man  \nwith no safety fuse.  \nHe'll out-smash a gorilla  \nand outbox kangaroos.  \n  \nNow you might be thinking:  \n\"What an asinine chap!\"  \nHe'd then prove you wrong,  \nand he'd pound you to crap.  \n  \nAlpha Male always wins.  \nHe never does lose.  \nEverything 'bout him's manly,  \neven his poos. \u0026nbsp;  \n  \nSo one day when Alpha Male  \nwas listening to radio news  \nout in the jungle  \nhe'd heard of Tom Cruise.  \n  \n\"L. Ron gave me some literature,\"  \nTom said, \"It's pretty dandy!  \nIt's superb to read,  \nAnd also quite handy!  \n  \n\n\u0026nbsp;\"Perhaps you should try some;  \nA book called 'Dianetics'.  \nIt helps me see better,  \nand heals diabetics!\"  \n  \nTom Cruise was a bad man;  \na deranged, farty villain  \nwho jumped on fat women's couches;  \nhe was seriously illin'.  \n  \nAlpha Male never liked  \nthis effeminate douche.  \nSo he sped off in a taxi  \nwith a masculine fwoosh.  \n  \n\"That'll be seven-fifty,\"  \nsaid his cabbie with mange,  \nso Alpha Male punched his face  \nand said, \"Keep the change.\"  \n  \nAlpha Male entered the studio  \nwith both guns a-blazin'  \nwith blood and explosions  \nthat looked quite amazin'.  \n  \nThe media chumps  \nwere cringing and crying  \ncause Alpha Male didn't care for  \ntheir propaganda and lying.  \n  \nHe said, \"Forget you pansies,  \nYou're not worth my balls!  \nShow me your head honcho  \nbefore I tear down these walls!\"  \n  \nWith an Alpha Male roar,  \nhe belched and he bellowed,  \nhe beat his strong chest,  \nand yelled, \"You're all just yellowed!\"  \n  \nSo without further ado  \nhe stole a rad bike,  \ntossed a grenade behind him,  \ncalling out \"Psyche!\"  \n  \nExpelling exhaust fumes  \nand ripping open the ozone,  \nAlpha Male then gave chase  \ncoated in man sweat cologne.  \n  \n\n\u0026nbsp;Alpha Male's motorcycle  \nsought after the train where  \nTom Cruise was escaping  \nback to his cultist day care.  \n  \nBut Alpha Male only thinks  \nunilaterally.  \nHe derailed the train  \ninto a nearby gully.  \n  \nThere was a massive explosion  \nfollowed by a great rock slide  \nand when all the debris cleared  \nhe found where Tom wanted to hide.  \n  \nYes, he had found his goal:  \nthe top secret lair,  \nwhere L. Ron Hubbard's tools  \nfor space aliens prepare.  \n  \nAlpha Male strode on in.  \nThere was L. Ron's secretary  \nwho was out of touch with the world  \nboth robotic yet wary.  \n  \n\"L. Ron is gone,\" the man said,  \n\"You're very naive.  \nYou think he'd be here?  \nHe's on sabbatical leave!\"  \n  \nSo Alpha Male grabbed his jaw  \nand unhinged it right off  \nand beat the man's skull in  \ntil up blood he would cough.  \n  \nHe detached the man's arms  \nand smacked him around  \ngouging his eyes and his ears  \n'til he writhed on the ground.  \n  \nStill Alpha Male wasn't done  \nkicking this guy's ass.  \nHe broke his spine in three places  \nand threw him through glass.  \n  \nThe window did shatter  \nshowing a secret room  \nwhere L. Ron hid all his money  \nand kept millions entombed.  \n  \n\n\u0026nbsp;But Alpha was pissed,  \nthere was nothing to stop him,  \nso through the next chamber  \nhe decided to pop in.  \n  \nL. Ron Hubbard was waiting  \nwith e-meters in hand.  \nHe was ready for Alpha.  \nThis had all been his plan.  \n  \n\"Follow my orders,\" said L. Ron,  \n\"And let us eat babies!  \nI'll take over the world  \nand give everyone rabies!  \n  \n\"A nuclear missile I have  \ntucked under my couch,  \nthe world's going to end,  \nso please don't be a grouch.  \n  \n\"Dark Lord Xenu is evil!  \nWe'll purge your body thetans  \nand save Teegeeack  \nlest we all get eatens!\"  \n  \nAlpha Male laid his fingers  \naround L. Ron Hubbard's nose  \nand he gripped and he twisted  \ntill blood flowed like a hose.  \n  \nAlpha Male speared his man-boobs  \non a rusted old spike,  \njammed a shovel up his ass  \nand a match he did strike.  \n  \nHe set the old fart on fire,  \nmutilated him with twin chainsaws,  \nStuck his head in some bike spokes  \nand from his entrails made withdraws.  \n  \nAlpha Male stuck a grenade  \nright down Hubbard's gullet,  \nsaid \"Hasta la vista,\"  \nand fired a single bullet.  \n  \nWith a firey blast  \nand plenty of shrapnel,  \nblood and brains went a-flyin'  \nbut still there was trouble.  \n  \n\n\u0026nbsp;The atom bomb was timed  \non a computer-based count  \nand the seconds were ticking  \nto a negligible amount.  \n  \nAlpha Male used braun  \non the alphanumeric display  \nand through sheer force of force  \nprevented radioactive decay.  \n  \nSo Alpha Male went home  \nafter saving the day.  \nNow you've heard the tale  \nso let no one say:  \n  \n\"Alpha Male is a chode,  \na chauvanist sap.  \nI hope that he dies  \nand gets blown off the map.\"  \n  \n'Cause Alpha Male is a man  \nwhose testosterone never ceases.  \nHe'll keep on drinkin' and killin'  \nand always do as he pleases.  \n  \nSo with a chug of a brewskie,  \nhis balls he'll defend.  \nFarewell, my dear reader,  \nfor this is The End.  \n  \n\n","series":{"name":"Poetry","previous":"https://fse.anthro.fr/stories/1797752-wienners-faction-english-retranslation.json","next":"https://fse.anthro.fr/stories/1925842-my-spider-dance-lyrics.json"}}