# Alpha Male Meets Tom Cruise: A Chillunz Storie

Author: Avoozl
Tags: Action, Alpha Male, Cults, L. Ron Hubbard, Offensive Language, Tom cruise, Violence, anti-hero, celebrities, homophobia, scientology

#1 of Poetry

Now this is an old one. It's also an extremely offensive one. I recommend you don't read this poem, as it contains the following disclaimers: Homophobia, multi-level marketing persecution, celebrities, extreme violence, slurs, and probably some other stuff.
Please take this with a grain of salt. It's meant to be offensive. Nothing is expected of you, the reader, other than this. Any opinions which may be interpreted from this work are not necessarily those of the author. Remember: It's just a poem.

Alpha Male was a manly man  
who always loved killin'.  
He'd hunt down baby animals  
and then he would grill 'em.  
  
Alpha Male would work out  
ten hours each day.  
His delts were like slabs  
of fine, sculpted clay.    
  
Guns made the man;  
no hippie could stop him.  
He'd bench press all the nerds  
who trespassed in his gym.  
  
Alpha Male's women  
he can pick and choose,  
and like any real man  
he only drinks booze.  
  
His car is quite loud;  
it's thrumming all night  
to annoy all his neighbors  
out of sheer spite.  
  
He doesn't like rhyming;  
he thinks it's for queers.  
He'll wash down raw eggs  
with twenty-two beers.  
  
Alpha Male is a man  
with no safety fuse.  
He'll out-smash a gorilla  
and outbox kangaroos.  
  
Now you might be thinking:  
"What an asinine chap!"  
He'd then prove you wrong,  
and he'd pound you to crap.  
  
Alpha Male always wins.  
He never does lose.  
Everything 'bout him's manly,  
even his poos.    
  
So one day when Alpha Male  
was listening to radio news  
out in the jungle  
he'd heard of Tom Cruise.  
  
"L. Ron gave me some literature,"  
Tom said, "It's pretty dandy!  
It's superb to read,  
And also quite handy!  
  

 "Perhaps you should try some;  
A book called 'Dianetics'.  
It helps me see better,  
and heals diabetics!"  
  
Tom Cruise was a bad man;  
a deranged, farty villain  
who jumped on fat women's couches;  
he was seriously illin'.  
  
Alpha Male never liked  
this effeminate douche.  
So he sped off in a taxi  
with a masculine fwoosh.  
  
"That'll be seven-fifty,"  
said his cabbie with mange,  
so Alpha Male punched his face  
and said, "Keep the change."  
  
Alpha Male entered the studio  
with both guns a-blazin'  
with blood and explosions  
that looked quite amazin'.  
  
The media chumps  
were cringing and crying  
cause Alpha Male didn't care for  
their propaganda and lying.  
  
He said, "Forget you pansies,  
You're not worth my balls!  
Show me your head honcho  
before I tear down these walls!"  
  
With an Alpha Male roar,  
he belched and he bellowed,  
he beat his strong chest,  
and yelled, "You're all just yellowed!"  
  
So without further ado  
he stole a rad bike,  
tossed a grenade behind him,  
calling out "Psyche!"  
  
Expelling exhaust fumes  
and ripping open the ozone,  
Alpha Male then gave chase  
coated in man sweat cologne.  
  

 Alpha Male's motorcycle  
sought after the train where  
Tom Cruise was escaping  
back to his cultist day care.  
  
But Alpha Male only thinks  
unilaterally.  
He derailed the train  
into a nearby gully.  
  
There was a massive explosion  
followed by a great rock slide  
and when all the debris cleared  
he found where Tom wanted to hide.  
  
Yes, he had found his goal:  
the top secret lair,  
where L. Ron Hubbard's tools  
for space aliens prepare.  
  
Alpha Male strode on in.  
There was L. Ron's secretary  
who was out of touch with the world  
both robotic yet wary.  
  
"L. Ron is gone," the man said,  
"You're very naive.  
You think he'd be here?  
He's on sabbatical leave!"  
  
So Alpha Male grabbed his jaw  
and unhinged it right off  
and beat the man's skull in  
til up blood he would cough.  
  
He detached the man's arms  
and smacked him around  
gouging his eyes and his ears  
'til he writhed on the ground.  
  
Still Alpha Male wasn't done  
kicking this guy's ass.  
He broke his spine in three places  
and threw him through glass.  
  
The window did shatter  
showing a secret room  
where L. Ron hid all his money  
and kept millions entombed.  
  

 But Alpha was pissed,  
there was nothing to stop him,  
so through the next chamber  
he decided to pop in.  
  
L. Ron Hubbard was waiting  
with e-meters in hand.  
He was ready for Alpha.  
This had all been his plan.  
  
"Follow my orders," said L. Ron,  
"And let us eat babies!  
I'll take over the world  
and give everyone rabies!  
  
"A nuclear missile I have  
tucked under my couch,  
the world's going to end,  
so please don't be a grouch.  
  
"Dark Lord Xenu is evil!  
We'll purge your body thetans  
and save Teegeeack  
lest we all get eatens!"  
  
Alpha Male laid his fingers  
around L. Ron Hubbard's nose  
and he gripped and he twisted  
till blood flowed like a hose.  
  
Alpha Male speared his man-boobs  
on a rusted old spike,  
jammed a shovel up his ass  
and a match he did strike.  
  
He set the old fart on fire,  
mutilated him with twin chainsaws,  
Stuck his head in some bike spokes  
and from his entrails made withdraws.  
  
Alpha Male stuck a grenade  
right down Hubbard's gullet,  
said "Hasta la vista,"  
and fired a single bullet.  
  
With a firey blast  
and plenty of shrapnel,  
blood and brains went a-flyin'  
but still there was trouble.  
  

 The atom bomb was timed  
on a computer-based count  
and the seconds were ticking  
to a negligible amount.  
  
Alpha Male used braun  
on the alphanumeric display  
and through sheer force of force  
prevented radioactive decay.  
  
So Alpha Male went home  
after saving the day.  
Now you've heard the tale  
so let no one say:  
  
"Alpha Male is a chode,  
a chauvanist sap.  
I hope that he dies  
and gets blown off the map."  
  
'Cause Alpha Male is a man  
whose testosterone never ceases.  
He'll keep on drinkin' and killin'  
and always do as he pleases.  
  
So with a chug of a brewskie,  
his balls he'll defend.  
Farewell, my dear reader,  
for this is The End.

Source: https://sofurry.com/s/J1O99A4m
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