{"sf1_id":2131935,"sf2_id":"GnDEaaB1","title":"In A Future You Never Needed To Really Fear","author":"Apolarbear17","words":501,"posted_at":"2024-05-03T17:51:54.000Z","tags":["Fear","Gay","Growth","Home","Poetry","Reflection","School","Suppression","acceptance","change","homophobia","past","pride month"],"url":"https://fse.anthro.fr/stories/2131935-in-a-future-you-never-needed-to-really-fear","original_url":"https://sofurry.com/s/GnDEaaB1","image_url":"https://cdn.sofurryfiles.com/submissions/thumbnails/69/19/6919ad64-0103-4763-ad4f-7ede928e5e36","description":"This was a poem I managed to finish just in the nick of time for pride month a couple of years ago. It’s a reflection of my own experiences. Originally posted this at the end of June 2022.","content":"In A Future You Never Needed To Really Fear\n\n \n\n\u0026nbsp;\u0026nbsp;\u0026nbsp;\u0026nbsp;\u0026nbsp;\u0026nbsp;\u0026nbsp;\u0026nbsp;\u0026nbsp;\u0026nbsp;\u0026nbsp;\u0026nbsp;\u0026nbsp;\u0026nbsp;\u0026nbsp;\u0026nbsp;\u0026nbsp;\u0026nbsp;\u0026nbsp;\u0026nbsp;\u0026nbsp;\u0026nbsp;\u0026nbsp;\u0026nbsp;\u0026nbsp;\u0026nbsp;\u0026nbsp;\u0026nbsp;\u0026nbsp;\u0026nbsp;\u0026nbsp;\u0026nbsp;\u0026nbsp;\u0026nbsp;\u0026nbsp;\u0026nbsp;\u0026nbsp;\u0026nbsp;\u0026nbsp;\u0026nbsp;\u0026nbsp;\u0026nbsp;\u0026nbsp;\u0026nbsp;\u0026nbsp;\u0026nbsp;\u0026nbsp;\u0026nbsp;\u0026nbsp;\u0026nbsp;\u0026nbsp;By: A.X. Bueno\u0026nbsp;\n\n \n\n \n\nIt’s almost funny you think when you reflect on this fear from your past\u0026nbsp;\n\n \n\nDaydreaming about the future but something in those idle dreams always seemed to contrast\n\n \n\nYou thought about all the things you wanted to have as an adult, things like a house, a good career\u0026nbsp;\n\n \n\nBut when it came to love, to a spouse more often than you saw a man and that made you feel fear\n\n \n\nOf course it didn’t matter that the man didn’t have clear features or that could women appear too\u0026nbsp;\n\n \n\nThere was a man you could see yourself with in your future and that just wouldn’t do\u0026nbsp;\n\n \n\nThere was a standard, a family structure to which you expected, were supposed to adhere\u0026nbsp;\n\n \n\nYou wanted to believe you loved women but daydreamed a lot about men\n\n \n\nThen you thought could you actually be queer?\u0026nbsp;\n\n \n\nNo, no you shake those thoughts out of your but they keep coming back again and again\u0026nbsp;\n\n \n\nYou still remember when you first learned the word queer could be meant way\u0026nbsp;\n\n \n\nYou learned it in an advanced class back in middle school thought it was worth trying to practice and say\n\n \n\nSo you do that and then some peers tell you not to say it cause it’s another word for gay\u0026nbsp;\n\n \n\nAnd back then that was considered a pretty not okay thing to be\u0026nbsp;\n\n \n\nYou were warned about that by family and friends so you suppress those thoughts, you see\u0026nbsp;\n\n \n\nIt doesn’t matter if someone else felt comfortable enough to come out to you\u0026nbsp;\n\n \n\nYou can accept others but can’t accept what you don’t want to believe yourself as\u0026nbsp;\n\n \n\nIn high school and beyond there are moments that make you question it all but choose to suppress\u0026nbsp;\n\n \n\nAnd hide those doubts, put on a show of waiting and ignoring what you might really want whereas\n\n \n\nYou see others be comfortable and loudly express everything you secretly want and thus progress\n\n \n\nSure most of these people are behind a screen or far away but their words still reach your eyes and ears\n\n \n\nYou start to slowly unpack what’s been holding you back all of these years\u0026nbsp;\n\n \n\nThe expectations, the warnings, the pressure and the fears\u0026nbsp;\n\n \n\nThey all slowly start to fade away\n\n \n\n\u0026nbsp;Until eventually after almost ten years you can finally bring yourself to say that you’re gay\n\n \n\nIt isn’t an easy conversation to have about it that first time but it’s more than worth it in the end\n\n \n\nIt’s been a couple of years and you’ve grown and figured yourself out more since then\u0026nbsp;\n\n \n\nYou’re still figuring yourself out in ways but you understand so much more than before\u0026nbsp;\n\n \n\nUltimately there’s been a lot of growth from that repressed, confused kid with more still to come\n\n \n\nYou’re pretty sure that if that younger you could see you now he’d be shocked, maybe horrified\u0026nbsp;\n\n \n\nBut that’s okay, after all you know everything about where he’s coming from\u0026nbsp;\n\n\u0026nbsp; \u0026nbsp;"}