{"sf1_id":272015,"sf2_id":null,"title":"This is Me Challange...","author":"kimo","words":1698,"posted_at":"2011-07-28T18:48:00.000Z","tags":["Dark","Depressing","Dragons Lair This is me challenge","Not a Story","Not furry","Thought Provoking","deep","strange"],"url":"https://fse.anthro.fr/stories/272015-this-is-me-challange","original_url":"https://sofurry.com/view/272015","image_url":"https://www.sofurryfiles.com/std/thumb?page=272015\u0026ext=.jpg","description":"","content":"Before you read this know that it is less of a story and more of an insight into my mind, feel free to comment and question, i'll try to make sence of it, these are my exact thoughts and this is my submition for\n\nthis-\\\u003e [Dragons Lair This is Me-Challenge](http://www.sofurry.com/threadview?threadid=11138)\n\nWHAT IS THIS\n\nLIFE!!! This life that is my own... this shit I live in...\n\n\u0026nbsp;\n\nWhat a fucked up piece of shit I am, in the eve of the death of a friend I can already smile...\n\nIt disgusts me\n\nMy mind is tortured\n\nMy body is twisted\n\nMy soul is torn\n\nI am a man\n\nI am a lie\n\nI cannot sleep for if I do my fingers bleed\n\nFor what I am is what I do\n\nI write...\n\nMine is a tale riddled with sorrow and angst and regret and all multitudes of other things dis-pleasurable... so fuck me as I lay here writing away as if there is nothing wrong... inside there are thousands of me, bits of my shattered heart and mind some sobbing some screaming in ANGUISHING PAIN!!! Others are shouting louder, and louder, and louder,and louder,\n\nUNTIL FINALLY\n\nTHEY ARE\n\nSCREAMING SO\n\nLOUD I CAN\n\nHEAR NOTHING\n\nELSE BUT THE\n\nTORTOUS WAILS\n\nOF MY PAINED\n\nMIND.\n\n\u0026nbsp;\n\nAnd I feel like shattering glass, like twisted metal, like all manner of madness in the malevolent manor that is my miraculous mind...\n\nI cry now\n\nI scream now\n\nAnd now, now I am silent\n\n\u0026nbsp;\n\n\u0026nbsp;\n\n\u0026nbsp;\n\nI write these words hoping that as they usher forth from my mind I too will understand there meaning, for these are the thoughts that run rampant through my mind every day, every second, from the beginning of my life as a small infant. Then I grew, first it was the one with the bowl cut, then the one of blond gold, it was her whom captivated me for so long even after her death, then it was the Raven, with rose in beak as it taunted the fox below. As I the stone man watched it from afar, the raven took flight, the fox took after it and is now forever lost... the stone man shattered, and the shards were formed onto a gate, and behind the gate I forced the remnants of the stone man's feelings for the raven and the fox... now I stand upon a portcullis and wonder why I am there only to have it revealed to me in a way that makes no sense yet somehow I understand. The world is clear to my eyes; my mind sees it through them and understands. However when my inner mind tries to view the world it is muted and muddled, disfigured and mashed... it is banged, clanged, smashed and otherwise unintelligible. For forever I will walk unyielding to all but god himself, for I am not religious in anyway, but if god is truly god then he and only he can yield me.\n\nThis is a six word sentence.\n\nAnd this is a seven word one.\n\nThis sentence does not have eight words in it.\n\nI feel like a feather drifting on a current of air, or perhaps I feel like me, lying in bed with laptop on chest and my thoughts are like a feather. Free to sway this way and that yet directed by a force unseen... I think of nothing I do not put into text.\n\nI feel like a soldier who has lived his entire life on the battle field close enough to death to kiss him upon the breast, for death is a woman to me, and she is both beautiful and enticing, with grey hair but a young face, she stands under a willow tree, nude, with not but a sickle, not a scythe, she holds it in her left hand with the blade pointing down... she enjoys the sunrise...\n\n\u0026nbsp;\n\nWhy is this me\n\nThese words I type so fervently are my thoughts as they come to me, I may go back and check the spelling but never the meaning of the word.\n\nThere Is a fly now, banging into my window, over and over, perhaps the fly is insane, the definition of insanity is repeating the same action over and over again expecting different results... the fly will be dead soon... I wonder how he would taste... sour and bitter I would imagine, like the smell of stale cigarettes and old beer, the smell of my father, it was the smell of my father before I was born but to this day when I am with him, or when I think if him I smell that smell, that odor, that stench, that manifestation of particles that react with sensory cells in my nasal cavity provoking a response... I actually quite like it. Though I may crinkle my nose and pretend it disgusts me, i quite like it; I play the role of what I am not too well in this world. That is why I look forward to the next, for in it I will be able to play no part but my own.... And so I watch the sunrise under the willow tree with the nude woman who is **_DEATH_**...\n\nI am depressed\n\nBut not enough to show, I smile, I laugh, I play, but I know, I know that it is all a façade, the game I play with the world when I put on my mask every morning. I put on the mask to hide the truth. The truth not even I know... the mask I put on so when I look in the mirror the truth I fear, the truth I hide is also hidden from me...\n\n\u0026nbsp;\n\nI write this here because love hides from me, I love writing but my grammar is bad at best, I have loved women but it has never been returned... I write this now because I feel I must for without these words on this paper I will feel lost, forgotten, hidden, closed off... forever.\n\nThese words are like snakes, they can be calm or CRULEor even timid...\n\nIt is up to you to interpret them as I have put them down... my suggestion, wait until one o'clock in the morning, eat nothing for dinner, and mourn a lost friend before you begin to read, because I ate dinner, and what that has to do with anything is beyond me... my thoughts are my own, so why the hell should I share them with you\n\nSo why did I write that\n\nThe answer is simple\n\nIs it?\n\nIt is.\n\nAs simple as repeating my question backward\n\nYes\n\nThen what is it\n\nWhat does it matter?\n\nEverything matters\n\nDose it?\n\nIt dose\n\n\u0026nbsp;TELL ME you maggoty bastard!\n\nDon't call me that\n\nI didn't call you 'that' I called you a maggoty bastard!\n\nThen stop\n\nMaybe I will\n\nPlease do\n\nYou damn pansy, why don't you come at me for a change\n\nBecause to hurt you would be to hurt my self\n\nWhat?\n\nI don't know\n\nHuh... ok well what were we talking about then?\n\nI don't remember\n\nLets scroll up and see\n\nWhy don't you both stop and shut the hell up\n\nWho the hell are you?\n\nI'm the higher brain function, who are you\n\nI'm the subconscious right brain\n\nAnd I'm the subconscious left\n\n\u0026nbsp;\n\n\u0026nbsp;\n\nAll three of you quit, I'm the one writing and I'm moving on\n\n\u0026nbsp;\n\nWhere am I now\n\nI am in a castle it is grey, like lady death...\n\nWhat are we to be that is amongst the stars? Cast away from the dreary window... I believe in no God\n\nYet I believe in all gods\n\nCan I be not as the Romans or the Greeks or the Mayans or the Aztecs? There gods were as many and as varied as the stars in the sky, or grains of sand in the Sahara, yet they had no problem understanding the points of life that were righteous and those that were nefarious... can there be only one all seeing all knowing all understanding being? Why not a pantheon? Why not a multitude of gods and goddesses contained within each one?\n\nWho am i?\n\nWHO AM I!?!\n\nplease tell me, i sob, shout, scream these words but they fall upon ears that are dead\n\nWho am I to walk this earth, what gives me that right? So many questions, so many answers, so little time... yet I have forever\n\n\u0026nbsp;\n\nI do not pretend to understand what it is I am writing, I only hope it will provide some insight... depending on how well you know me, and depending on how much of\u0026nbsp; me you understand some parts are as clear as day, others are foggy, dim, dull, hidden, misunderstood...\n\n\u0026nbsp;\n\nOh what life is to be forever free of scorn?\n\nI have never wished I was not born...\n\nThis life to be, am I truly free?\n\nNo\n\n\u0026nbsp;\n\nThere are two men and a woman who live inside my head, one lives on the right, one lives on the left, and one encompasses the entirety of my mind... my mind is surrounded by walls I cannot break. i feel confined, imprisoned, within these walls of my mind...\n\nShattering glass\n\nThe razors edge\n\nA drop of water\n\nThese are images in my mind\n\nAn empty nest\n\nA yellow butterfly\n\nA shard of glass... covered in blood\n\nBoth mine and someone elses\n\n\u0026nbsp;\u0026nbsp;\u0026nbsp;\u0026nbsp;\u0026nbsp;\u0026nbsp;\u0026nbsp;\u0026nbsp;\u0026nbsp;\u0026nbsp;\u0026nbsp;\u0026nbsp;\u0026nbsp;\u0026nbsp;\u0026nbsp;\u0026nbsp;\u0026nbsp;\u0026nbsp;\u0026nbsp;\u0026nbsp;\u0026nbsp;\u0026nbsp;\u0026nbsp;\u0026nbsp;\u0026nbsp;\u0026nbsp;\u0026nbsp;\u0026nbsp;\u0026nbsp;\u0026nbsp;\u0026nbsp;\u0026nbsp;\u0026nbsp;\u0026nbsp;\u0026nbsp;\u0026nbsp;\u0026nbsp;\u0026nbsp;\u0026nbsp;\u0026nbsp;\u0026nbsp;\u0026nbsp;\u0026nbsp;\u0026nbsp;\u0026nbsp;\u0026nbsp;\u0026nbsp; I wonder who they were\n\nThere is a mountan in the distance, I am flying, fast...\n\nI crash into the mountan\n\nWhat are these words\n\nDo you have an answer\n\nAll that I am is this\n\nThis is me\n\nThis is who I am\n\nA pianist with no piano\n\nA night with no horse\n\nA bard with no audience\n\nI am [not broken](%5C)\n\nNot yet any ways\n\nDo not forget me\n\nDo not forget me\n\nDo not for get me\n\nBecause if you do I will be gone forever\n\n\u0026nbsp;\n\nI feel like a lost child, afraid and alone. Please stay with me\n\nBecause this is who I am, this is what I am, this, is me...\n\n  \n  \n\n"}