{"sf1_id":401688,"sf2_id":null,"title":"In Soviet Nazi Germany, Communism Eats *YOU*","author":"NovaSquirrel","words":3071,"posted_at":"2012-07-12T09:45:00.000Z","tags":["History","War","World War II"],"url":"https://fse.anthro.fr/stories/401688-in-soviet-nazi-germany-communism-eats-you","original_url":"https://sofurry.com/view/401688","image_url":"https://www.sofurryfiles.com/std/thumb?page=401688\u0026ext=.jpg","description":"I started this when we got into World War I in history class so I would be ready when World War II history came around, and then released it on 4/20, Hitler's birthday. No, there is no killing or hating in this except when the butter monster dies.","content":"In Soviet Nazi Germany, Communism Eats \\*YOU\\*  \nalso known as: Hitler and the quest for THE JOJ\n\nThis story is not intended to be offensive. :(\n\n* * *\n  \nIn A.D. 2100, Westley from a foundation repair company located in Texas,  \nnamed HOH SIS, somehow became president of the United States of America.  \nThis company was famous for something called \"THE JOJ\" which was actually the  \nword \"job\" but with the second half of the word replaced with the first half  \nin reverse. Westley was obsessed with doing things all over again.\n\nHOH SIS was called on the phone by Hitler and Westley picked up the phone.  \nHitler: \"hey dude\"  \nWestley: \"sup?\"  \nHitler: \"I was just thinking, uhhh, REMEMBER WORLD WAR 2 from like, the 1940s?\"  \nWestley: \"IF I HAD TO DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN, I WOULD DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN\"  \nHitler: \"holy crap, okay!\" :D\n\nIn A.D. 2101  \nWorld War II was Beginning. AGAIN.  \nHitler: \"yeah let's do this thing all over again\"  \nWestley: \"YEAH!!!\"\n\nSomehow Nazi Germany existed again, and so did the Soviet Union, and pretty  \nmuch everything was how it was during World War II.  \nexcept this time, Hitler wanted THE JOJ and wanted it REALLY BADLY!!!!  \nAND THERE WAS VEGETA WHO WAS OVER 9000 DOLLARS IN DEBT\n\nso the Soviet Union and the USA and Britain and China and THE FRENCHY FRENCH,  \nand even Canada got together and were all \"no u can't have THE JOJ, hitler \\\u003c3\"  \nalso there was Poland, and Goku!!!!!\n\nwhile Italy and Japan were like \"hey we want the joj too!!!!!!!!!!\"  \nalso there was Iraq. AND OTHER COUNTRIES but they won't be in this.  \nanyway italy and japan were on hitler's side!!!!!! TOGETHER, THEY WERE  \nTHE FACES OF EVIL, BUT HISTORIANS SAY THEY WERE ACTUALLY THE \"AXIS OF EVIL\"\n\n* * *\n  \nHitler invaded poland and was like \"lol poland im in ur base killing ur doods\"\n\nso GEORGE W. BUSH reacted by invading Iraq (all by himself)  \nBushie: \"hahaha I'm in Iraq!!!!!\"  \nIraq: \"no get out plz\"  \nBushie: \"no just try and stop me\"  \nso the Iraq people got weapons of mass destruction  \nBushie: \"plz help\"\n\nso the USA sent Bill Nye the Science Guy  \nBill Nye: \"Iraq, there's no such thing as mass destruction. You can't DESTROY mass.\"  \nIraq: \"sorry I guess you're right\"  \nso they gave the weapons of mass destruction to Bill Nye  \nwho was like \"oh sweet!!!!!!\"\n\n* * *\nokay over in poland\n* * *\n  \nPoland: \"hey hitler get out of here\"  \nHitler: \"SORRY POLAND I WANT THE JOJ\"  \nPoland: \"we don't have it, sorry\"  \nHitler: \"I KNOW U GOT THE JOJ\"  \nPoland: \"no but we have JOBS\"  \nHitler: \"can we have that please\"  \nso Poland sent Steve Jobs to Hitler in a Limo  \nSteve: \"hey dude!!!!!!!!\"  \nand then he gave Hitler an iPhone.  \nHitler: \"holy crap this............ totally wasn't in World War II at all\" :(  \nSteve: \"WHO CARES!!!!!!!?\"  \nHitler: \"yeah I guess you're right\"  \nso Hitler left Poland and decided to go elsewhere to look for THE JOJ!!!!!  \nbecause Poland only had Jobs and not JOJ\n\n* * *\nIN IRAQ\n* * *\n  \nBushie: \"oh hitler left poland, hey guys can you pick me up\"  \nBushie: \"guys?\" :(\n\nBill Nye was still there  \nso he invented a super awesome TV and Bill Nye and George Bush were watching it  \nand an educational program about Russia or something came on.  \nand it was supposed to play a video clip about Vladimir Lenin taking over,  \nexcept the title of it was \"LENIN TAKES OVER VIDEO CLIP\" and there was no spacing at all  \nbetween \"takes over\" and \"video clip\" so he turned evil and TOOK OVER THE VIDEO CLIP.  \nBill Nye tried to change the channel but it was stuck.  \nLenin: \"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA I TOOK OVER THIS VIDEO CLIP\"  \nLenin: \"YOU CAN'T STOP WATCHING IT!!!!!!!!!!!!\"  \nand then Bill Nye tried to turn the TV off but couldn't  \nLenin: \"I TOOK OVER A VIDEO CLIP!!!!!!!\"  \nLenin: \"AFTER, I SHALL RULE, UH, THE WORLD!!!!!!!\"  \nBill Nye: \"you're stuck in the TV, dummy!\"  \nLenin: \"OH, TRUE!!!!!\" :(\n\nAND THEN SUDDENLY,  \nJOHN LENNON from the Beatles showed up in a yellow submarine  \nand got out and was like \"SUP LENIN\"  \nLenin: \"oh nothing, just TAKING OVER THIS VIDEO CLIP\"  \nLennon: \"if it's just a clip of a video, why is it lasting so long????\"  \nLenin: \"IT'S THE NEVERENDING VIDEO CLIP!!!!!!!! BECAUSE I TOOK IT OVER!\"  \nLennon: \"oh alright that makes sense\"\n\nSo what were George Bush and Bill Nye doing during this?  \nTHEY WERE HIJACKING THE YELLOW SUBMARINE!!!!! AND DROVE AWAY!\n\nwhen John Lennon finally noticed he was like  \nLennon: \"holy crap guys, come back with my YELLOW SUBMARINE\"  \nBushie: \"no way!!!!\"  \nBill Nye: \"all your submarine are belong to us!!!\"  \nand they drove off to home in the submarine\n\n* * *\n  \nSo Hitler went to Anne Frank's house (what, did you expect it to be secret or something?)  \nand busted down the door.  \nHitler: \"hey anne do u have the joj\"  \nAnne: \"no, hitler\" :(  \nHitler: \"YOU LIE!!!!\"  \nand hitler held up anne frank's diary and turned to a page:  \n\"Dear diary, today I had THE JOJ with Goku and it was fantastic or something\"  \nAnne: \"UH, WELL......\"  \nHitler: \"I WANT THE JOJ!!!!!\"  \nAnne: \"fine you can have it\"  \nHitler: \"wait, really??\"  \nAnne: \"yes\"  \nHitler: \"where is it????\"  \nand then Steve Jobs pulled up in a limo  \nHitler: \"CRAP, NOT THIS AGAIN!!!!!!!!\"  \nand Hitler punched Anne Frank  \nAnne: \"that hurt, u big meanie\"  \nand Anne called Goku on the phone  \nGoku: \"hi this is goku\"  \nAnne: \"dude I need you to come over here and beat up hitler okay?\"  \nso goku flew over  \nGoku: \"I'm sorry Anne but Hitler has left the building\"  \nAnne: \"AFTER HIM!!!!!\"  \nGoku ran out after Hitler and got to him\n\nGoku: \"hi hitler\"  \nHitler: \"OH NO IT'S GOKU\"  \nand Goku went super saiyan  \nHitler: \"HEY TWO CAN PLAY AT THIS GAME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!\"  \nand hitler's hair turned spiky and blond and his eyes turned blue and he was super powerful  \nGoku: \"holy crap you can go super saiyan\"  \nHitler: \"UH, NO, THIS IS ARYAN RAGE MODE, IT'S COMPLETELY DIFFERENT!!!!!!!!!!!\"  \nso they both went in the air  \nGoku: \"KAMEHAMEHA!!!!\"  \nand he fired an energy blast  \nand hitler dodged it and attacked with Panzer Strike  \n(all his attacks are named after nazi war machines)  \nbut it missed and then goku tried again  \nand it got hitler  \nHitler: \"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA YOU GOT ME\"  \nand he crashed to the ground as his normal self  \nbut he wasn't actually hurt, he was mostly just stunned  \nGoku: \"DON'T EVER LET ME CATCH YOU HURTING ANNE FRANK AGAIN\"  \nHitler: \"yes sir\" :(\n\n* * *\n  \nso hitler went to SOVIET RUSSIA because he heard the joj was there.  \nALL THE BUILDINGS WERE SHAPED LIKE TETRIS BLOCKS\n\nHitler: \"HELLOOOOOOO IS THERE ANY JOJ IN HERE???\"  \nbut there was nobody around!!!!!  \nso he went in Stalin's house  \nHitler: \"hahaha I'm Stalin!!\"\n\nand then the real Stalin came in  \nand then this guy named STUPID shot an arrow (the retarded brother of CUPID!!!)  \nand THEY FELL IN LOVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!  \nHitler: \"Stalin you're looking awfully gorgeous today!!!!\"  \nStalin: \"Holy crap hitler your moustache is so sexy!!!!!\"  \nHitler: \"Oh Stalin\" \\\u003c3  \nStalin: \"Oh Hitler\" \\\u003c3  \nthey hugged romantically and made out  \nHitler: \"Stalin let's be together always\"  \nStalin: \"What about the war?\"  \nHitler: \"WHO CARES ABOUT THE WAR?\" \\\u003c3  \nStalin: \"Oh, okay\" :3  \nand they kissed! \\\u003c3  \nHitler: \"Stalin, let's get married!\" \\\u003c3  \nStalin: \"Okay!\"  \nso Hitler and Stalin went to a marriage place  \nMarriage guy: \"Hitler will you take Stalin to be your wife\"  \nHitler: \"Yes\" \\\u003c3  \nMarriage guy: \"Stalin will you take Hitler to be your husband\"  \nStalin: \"Yes!!!!\" \\\u003c3  \nand they got married\n\nso Stalin and Hitler were now on their honeymoon and totally out of the war  \na reporter guy named ANDY was like \"WONDER HOW LONG THE HONEYMOON WILL LAST\"  \nand took a photo! - [http://www.apstudent.com/ushistory/docs1901/hitlstal.jpg](http://www.apstudent.com/ushistory/docs1901/hitlstal.jpg)\n\nWho takes over Germany and Soviet Russia, then!?  \nIn Germany, a guy by the name of ClIF H. BrON who was really good with rockets  \ncame into power alongside a monster made of BUTTER. (the butter guy was the leader though)  \nRussia, meanwhile, elected Bio Force Ape. (actually, there was only one guy  \nat the voting place since everyone else was busy playing Tetris.  \nTHAT PERSON WAS DONKEY KONG, SO GUESS WHO HE VOTED FOR!!!)  \n(Bio Force Ape was an ape who drank Bio Force serum to become a pro wrestler)  \nClIF H. BrON's arch nemesis, BrINClHOF lived in Russia!\n\nSuddenly all the bananas in Germany were missing, and everyone blamed Bio Force Ape.  \nso SOME ANGRY GERMAN GUY posted ads that said \"$2000 to whoever kills BIO FORCE APE!!!!!\"\n\nso the Butter Monster drove a limo to Bio Force Ape's house  \nbut the door was locked, so he SLIPPED QUIETLY IN THROUGH THE CRACK IN THE DOOR  \n(remember, he's made of butter, SO HE CAN DO THAT)  \nbut then Paper Doll Man showed up and was like \"dude THAT'S \\*MY\\* THING, NOT YOURS\"  \nand they got in a fight, but the butter monster was a coward so he kept slipping  \nquietly in through the cracks of doors to try and escape while Paper Doll Man followed him!\n\nEventually the butter monster ended up in the room with a very upset Bio Force Ape!!!!!  \nBio Force Ape: \"dude get the hell out of my house\"  \nButter Monster: \"JA I AM MADE OF DUR BUTTER UND YOU ARE WORTH 2K MONIES\"  \nand then Bio Force Ape got so angry that he punched the butter monster right in the face,  \nshouting \"EAT COMMUNISM!!!\" (paper doll man turned into a paper airplane and escaped)  \nand the butter monster was dead DUE TO THE AWESOME COMMIE FIST OF BIO FORCE APE!!!!!!  \n [http://durbutter.com/durbutter.gif](http://durbutter.com/durbutter.gif)\n\nAndy reported this in the newspaper: \"BIO FORCE APE KILLS THE BUTTER MONSTER, SAYS TO EAT COMMUNISM\"  \nso Wilford Brimley, some old diabetic guy, invaded a Quaker Oats company and forced  \nthem to sell COMMIE OATS instead that were red colored and didn't actually taste that good.  \nGermany, as a whole (except ClIF BrON decided to drop out of the war and eat COMMIE FLAKES instead.  \nAlso in the news: \"PAPER DOLL MAN GETS IN EPIC FIGHT WITH PARAPPA THE RAPPER!!!!!\"\n\nClIF BrON was surprised to see Germany's leader go down so easily!!!!!  \nHE WAS SO ANGRY AT RUSSIA  \nso he decided to go against the Allies ALL BY HIMSELF. He built a giant rocket  \nthat he was planning on launching AT RUSSIA.  \nOn the side of the rocket were the words \"DIATOMIC ELEMENTS ARE COOL!!!\"\n\nBio Force Ape (russia's leader) heard of this and called over his buddies BrINClHOF and  \nthis really cool guy named SID SPACE. (who was good at both latin AND SPACE STUFF).  \n(his actual name is \"Sine In De Sub Pro Ab Cum Ex\" but nobody can remember that  \nso everyone calls him SID SPACE, which is a lot easier to pronounce too)  \nThey found these REALLY OLD Roman plans for an orbital space cannon thingy.  \nBecause the Romans wrote it, it was in latin, which SID SPACE was able to translate  \nperfectly for BrINClHOF to build.  \nSID SPACE then used his space skills to get the orbital space cannon into orbit.\n\nClIF BrON was about to launch his rocket at russia when suddenly  \nTHE ORBITAL SPACE CANNON BLEW IT UP but it didn't hurt anyone.  \nhe could just build another though!!!\n\nbut before he could,  \na police guy was at his house  \nPolice guy: \"ClIF BrON YOU NEED TO COME WITH ME\"  \nClIF BrON: \"okay what did I do now\"  \nPolice guy: \"ON THE SIDE OF your rocket you wrote illegal stuff\"  \nClIF BrON: \"wait so I'm not going to jail for the rocket itself\"  \nPolice guy: \"what rocket\"  \nClIF BrON: \"uh\"  \nthe police guy punched ClIF BrON  \nClIF BrON: \"that was totally UNCALLED FOR!!!!!!!!!!\"  \nPolice guy: \"you're coming WITH US\"  \nand they handcuffed ClIF BrON and had him get in the car  \nEXCEPT IT WAS A PAPA JOHN'S DELIVERY CAR  \nand when the police got him into the car,  \nguess who was driving!!!??? (it was BrINClHOF)\n\nBrINClHOF!!!!! QUIT DRIVING THAT CAR. IT'S NOT YOURS!!!!!!\n\nBrINClHOF: \"ur going 2 jail mister\"  \nClIF BrON: \"since when!!!?????!?!?!\"  \nBrINClHOF: \"since 4ever, dude!!!!\"  \nClIF BrON: \"wait isn't this a papa john's delivery car\"  \nBrINClHOF: \"I DUNNO IS IT!??????\"  \nClIF BrON: \"how did you get this car\"  \nBrINClHOF: \"I STOLE IT FROM A GARDEN GNOME!!!!!\"  \nClIF BrON: \"isn't that illegal or something\"  \nand BrINClHOF turned around and presented a license:  \n\"BrINClHOF - LICENSE TO STEAL FROM GARDEN GNOMES!!!!!!!!!!!\"  \nexcept the whole thing was done in really sloppy handwriting  \nthat was obviously BrINClHOF's!!!  \nClIF BrON: \"wait isn't that in your own handwriting\"  \nBrINClHOF: \"NO IT'S HELEN KELLER'S!!!!!!\"  \nClIF BrON: \"she could not see THE GARDEN GNOME!!!!!!!\"  \nBrINClHOF: \"what's a garden GNOME!????????\"  \nClIF BrON: :(  \nBrINClHOF: \"no seriously what is a garden gnome??? I made all this stuff up!!\"  \nClIF BrON: \"where did you really get the car then??\"  \nBrINClHOF: \"oh I ordered a pizza from papa john's, but-\"  \nClIF BrON: \"oh wow did you seriously say papa john's BUTT?\"  \nBrINClHOF: \"no!!!! be quiet\"  \nClIF BrON: \"does he even have a butt??\"  \nBrINClHOF: \"WHY YES HE DOES!!!!!!!\"  \nClIF BrON: \"ew!!!!! how disgusting!!!!!!\"  \nBrINClHOF: \"EXACTLY HOW DISGUSTING!???? THAT'S A JOB FOR SCIENCE!!!\"  \nClIF BrON: \"let's build a DISGUSTING-O-METER!!!!!!!!!\"  \nso yeah they went off and totally did lots of science things instead of actually doing the war!!!\n\n* * *\n\nSo now, there was still Italy and Japan left, and Italy was being run by MARIO.  \nMario had this pretty terrible idea for a weapon that was to be a GIGANTIC VOLCANO  \nthat he would build IN THE WHITE HOUSE that was to be full of vinegar and he would  \ndrop tons of baking soda in via a plane and it would make a bunch of foam and drown everyone.\n\nMario had everyone put ALL THE BAKING SODA OF ALL OF ITALY in one place but it was secret.  \nFortunately, he only got the GIGANTIC VOLCANO built before Mario's evil plans were discovered.\n\nBrINClHOF and ClIF BrON were given a mission to STOP mario from flooding the place.  \nThey checked lotsa castles to try and find the baking soda but in every castle  \nthere was a guy that said \"sorry but your baking soda is in another castle!!!!\"\n\nbut in one castle there was this really helpful guy named Mr.Map that they picked up  \nwho was a map, who sang. Except he wasn't just any map, he was THE map, and he liked  \nto constantly remind everyone of that in his special song.  \nMr.Map: \"IF THERE'S A PLACE YOU GOTTA GO, I'M THE ONE YOU NEED TO KNOW\"  \nClIF BrON: \"well THAT'S GREAT, map, show us where the baking soda is pease\"  \nMr.Map: \"IF THERE'S A PLACE YOU GOTTA GET, I CAN GET YOU THERE I BET!!!\"  \nClIF BrON: \"yeah I understand now show us where it is please\"  \nMr.Map: \"I'M THE MAP, I'M THE MAP, I'M THE MAP...\"  \nand then BrINClHOF picked up the map and looked at it  \nand apparently the baking soda supply was in texas right next to the joj supply, actually  \nso they went there and STUFFED ALL THE BAKING SODA INTO A TRUCK  \nand they were like \"all your BASE are belong to us!!! get it!??\" AND THEY DROVE OFF WITH IT.\n\nMario was very upset when he learned of this news.  \nObviously he didn't have any better plans so he just gave up on the war.  \nhe paid the USA 5 coins for their troubles and Westley was all \"OMG, YOU CHEAPSKATE!!!\"  \nbut otherwise didn't bother him anymore! (because it totally paid off Vegeta's debt somehow,  \nbecaused he used the 5 coins to buy gum and then he paid the debt collector guy in gum).  \nTRIDENT LAYERS!!!\n\n* * *\n\nSuddenly the country of COLGATE was formed and it was part of the AXIS OF EVIL!!!!  \nIt was ruled by this purple rabbit dentist guy named Doctor Rabbit!  \nCOLGATE made these really stupid looking airplanes shaped like candies.\n\nThese airplanes were actually pretty cool!!!!  \nOn the side they said \"PLAQUE ATTACK\" and everything!!!  \nAND PLAQUE MONSTERS PILOTED THEM!!!!  \nexcept they only dropped out candy, in an attempt to give kids cavities.\n\nDr.Rabbit realized this wasn't very effective, and signed a deal with AT\u0026T,  \nwhere AT\u0026T agreed to change its name to A-TNT, which now stood for  \n\"easily Avoidable-TNT\" and it made really crappy explosives that were  \nsuper easy to avoid.\n\nThe USA sent in really dumb TOOTHPASTE SHAPED ANTI-AIR WEAPONS  \nto combat this threat.\n\nSomehow, it worked perfectly!!!!!!  \nand COLGATE dropped out of the war and decided to sell toothpaste instead.\n\n* * *\n\nSo, basically everyone in the axis was out of the war except Japan!!!!  \nUSA: \"hey japan you should like, surrender\"  \nJapan: \"NEVER NEVER NEVER!!!!!!!!!!\"  \nUSA: \"hey japan if you don't surrender WE'LL DROP THE F-BOMB ON YOU!!!!\"  \nso the USA hired F-Bomberman (which was like bomberman except he had a potty mouth)  \nand he went to japan and shouted the F-word at the very top of his lung  \nwhich caused a GIANT EXPLOSION! (it's an F-\\*BOMB\\*, what did you expect?)  \nSo Japan itself was like \"F-WORD!!!!!!!!\" in reaction which made more explosions,  \nso they got this guy named Barack Obama and put him on a helicopter  \nObama: \"uh guys what are you doing\"  \nand they flew to washington DC  \nand pushed Obama out and he fell into the oval office somehow  \nand was the new president!!!!  \nUSA: \"CRAP YOU JUST DROPPED THE O-BOMB ON AMERICA\"  \nJapan: \"well you dropped the F-bomb on us. it's only fair!\" :)  \nObama: \"hey guys let's have universal healthcare!!!!!!!\" :D  \nUSA: \"THAT SOUNDS GREAT, ACTUALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!\"  \nand then Japan laughed evilly!!!!\n\nYes this does mean Westley wasn't the president anymore\n\nAND THEN OBAMASTORY HAPPENED!!!!!\n\n* * *\n  \nAND THEN, a few months after the war, on 4/20, Hitler went to his mailbox  \nand there it was: A PACKAGE OF THE JOJ sent by France, with the letter:  \n\"HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!! ~love, france\"  \nand included was like, a couple slices of FRENCH BREAD and some FRENCH FRIES.  \nbut at he bottom the letter said:  \n\"P.S. THE JOJ was all actually in Texas. I don't know why you didn't just try  \nto invade HOH SIS instead of entering random countries!!! KIND OF DUMB IF YOU ASK ME!\"  \n  \n\n"}