{"sf1_id":453590,"sf2_id":"GnDjRppe","title":"Almost Escaped","author":"Riverweasel","words":722,"posted_at":"2012-10-22T09:34:00.000Z","tags":["Emotion","Other","Pain","Poem"],"url":"https://fse.anthro.fr/stories/453590-almost-escaped","original_url":"https://sofurry.com/s/GnDjRppe","image_url":"https://cdn.sofurryfiles.com/submissions/thumbnails/8b/cd/8bcd4fba-e064-4353-b07c-9dfc62b21d54","description":"#9 of Poems\n\nMight be one of my most personal pieces of literature ever.","content":"For as long out as I can remember, I've never felt this close to cracking  \nTo fucking things up, doing a terrible job and hoping that I'm sent packing  \nFrom the military, from success, from people in general  \nI've never felt so useless  \n  \nThrough what were the four most miserable years of my life  \nSeventh through tenth grade, verbally stabbed with a knife  \nI thought I could handle just about anything now  \nBut I never felt this deserted  \n  \nYeah, I have family at home I can call, but they're seven hours behind me  \nI have to time my calls and hope the internet works and doesn't straight up blindside me  \nWe all converse as a crew, at least those who get constantly shit on do  \nBut every day I'm constantly ignored  \n  \nLast week I thought I had escaped this dump, supposedly working in another building  \nAway from the cumulating stress of this hell, my nearly broken resolve refueling  \nYet, after one day, they play with emotions, bringing me back here  \nI've never felt so imprisoned  \n  \nMy dreams are becoming far more vivid, far more relevant, far more disturbing  \nVisions of me running away back to Monterey and simply never fucking returning  \nOr breaking completely with nowhere to run, ruining myself in my pain  \nI've never been this afraid of my mind\n\n\u0026nbsp;Writing feels as if it's the only true solace I have, a forum to vent in the extreme  \nI can call out each and every one of these bastards and be more than acceptably obscene  \nFuck you first sergeant, fuck you squad leader, fuck you and you and you  \nBarely controlled lividity and infuriation  \n  \nMy mental barriers are weakening, my emotional strength receding, akin to Berlin's Wall  \nSituations, just like the people they metaphorically stand for, will eventually cause it to fall  \nI feel both dread and relief at the notion that this day is steadily approaching  \nNever wanted vengeance this terribly bad  \n  \nI'm not contemplating infliciting physical pain, but to see their faces when I call them all out  \nLike God himself, reading off a list of every one of their failures  \n  \nFuck that verse, can't find a way to end it, but re-editing it sounds like I'm cheating  \nThey are words I want to put out and to erase them feels as if I'm defeating  \nThe whole purpose of why I'm writing, oozing my pain  \nNot sure how many wounds or blood it consists of  \n  \nI'm here, at least I can say that much, but for how much longer, I'm not sure.  \nI could get a passport, plan an escape, fulfill my departure from the torture  \nBut that would require motivation, that would require a drive  \nAnd I have no inspiration to find where they left me  \n  \n\n\u0026nbsp;Thirty-three more months before I'm finally out, yeah, I won't last that long  \nGetting through this sounds similar to lifting a truck and I'm just not that strong  \nI tell myself just to push through the stretch, just another half year to go  \nBut my confidence in that is gone  \n  \nSo, yeah, I'm here subsisting, existing, but no longer resisting this mess  \nToday, we have a sensing session with mental health that I will put to the test  \nThey say there will be no repercussions, I don't believe it, but I'll take it  \nIt's time they hear the truth  \n  \nMaybe this is the reason I'm fluent with the words, able to express myself through literature  \nAble to crisscross melodies on Microsoft Word, to read them up a picture  \nThey're going to hear it from me today, a speech written with venomous tact  \nMore than ready to accept the consequences  \n  \nThe leadership is either in denial or just stupid or just lazy as all fuck  \nThis unit a waste of the Army's money, full of misfits and black muck  \nYeah, I'm covered in tar now, so just go ahead and feather me  \nFact is I don't have a shit left to give  \n  \n\n\u0026nbsp;I'm done getting stabbed in the back, done being sweet talked into submission  \nThere are soldiers around me constantly being pierced like a pin cushion  \nI will stand up for them and I will stand up for myself  \nLeadership can choose to spit or swallow  \n  \nI'm done here, fuck everyone, unless I told you before that I care about your wellbeing.  \n  \n\n","series":{"name":"Poems","previous":"https://fse.anthro.fr/stories/451082-long-distance-relationships.json","next":"https://fse.anthro.fr/stories/469253-suicide.json"}}