{"sf1_id":577979,"sf2_id":null,"title":"Three Little Words","author":"DarkSoulsSauron","words":3661,"posted_at":"2013-08-18T04:50:00.000Z","tags":["Psychological","ninetales","pokemon"],"url":"https://fse.anthro.fr/stories/577979-three-little-words","original_url":"https://sofurry.com/view/577979","image_url":"https://www.sofurryfiles.com/std/thumb?page=577979\u0026ext=.jpg","description":"","content":"\nSoren\nand Eli were sharing the loft together. It was Friday night, but\nneither of them felt like going out tonight. They rarely did. They\ntended to spend most of their nights in unless they had plans with\nfriends. The winter sun was setting and mostly below the horizon,\nbathing them in mellow gold light.\nSoren\nwas back on his dubstep project, this time working with Vexare's\nRattlesnakes song. This one was easier than Chase Me, but he\nwas having a hard time finding an instrument that would hit the\nbutterzone of keeping true to its hard tech roots yet still be\naccessible to the people who hated electronic music on principle. The\nstring bass was the most promising right now, but he just couldn't\nget it right. After many repetitions of the song, he returned the\nbeloved instrument to its case.\nSoren\nwas done with music for now. That pet project was giving him a lot of\ngrief, and he knew now was the time to put it down. He grabbed a\nstool and sat behind Eli, wrapping his silver arms around his waist\nand resting his muzzle in the crook between Eli's right shoulder and\nneck. Soren made sure to leave his painting arm plenty of room to\nmaneuver.\n\"Hi\nsweetie,\" said Eli as he worked, resting his head briefly on top\nof Soren's in greeting. \"Putting your project down for a while?\nI'd be glad to help you when I'm done.\"\n\"That'd\nbe nice,\" said Soren, \"Sometimes you just need to distance\nyourself for a bit before going back to a project.\" Soren felt\nEli nod in agreement. Soren sat there contentedly, watching Eli weave\nwonders with paint. This was another color study, mixing all\ndifferent shades or reds and blues. Scarlet, ruby, vermillion, and\nprominent crimson tones were on the left side of the canvas. the\nright side was covered with sapphire, cobalt, azure, and an\nemphasized sky-blue. the colors mixed together in the very middle to\ncreate a vibrant purple that faded to white at the center.\nSoren\nmarveled how the different shading techniques within the vortexes of\ncolor, creating subtle shapes within the subconscious. Soren saw an\neagle in flight, a serpentine eastern dragon, and two figures in the\nmiddle. they were tall, vulpine, and cloaked in what looked like\nlong, flowing tails. he pointed at the very center, where he saw the\ntwo silhouettes , skirting the edges of the colors just before they\nbegan to mix into the purple at the center.\n\"Is\nthat... us?\" asked Soren. Eli nodded and smiled. Soren kissed\nEli on the cheek. \"I love the way you paint Eli.\"\n\"I\njust love you.\"\n\nSoren\nfelt an electric jolt surge up his body. It was a jolt of fear,\ntrepidation, and surprise. Those words... did Eli just say what he\nthought he said. Soren was spiraling, his brain foggy and his ears\nfilled with a buzzing noise, like a thousand angry bees. He just had\nno way to keep thoughts coherent in his head. After a moment that\nfelt like years, he squeezed Eli around the waist and said. \"Thanks.\nI'm gonna make dinner, ok?\"\n\n\nEli\nnodded without a word, and Soren got up and walked down the loft\nstairs, trying not to rush. His brain was still cloudy and unfocused,\nand he nearly tripped down the stairs as he hurried to the kitchen.\nSticking his head in the cool fridge, he tried to find his\nrationality amongst the ingredients for stir fry he was fishing out.\n\n\nIt\nwasn't till he had Jeanne's chef knife in his hands as he chopped\nonions did he finally manage to mold a thought into coherent words.\n\"He said it,\" thought Soren. \"He said those three\nlittle words. Why am I frightened by that?\" It made no sense.\nWhat made committing so terrifying? Wasn't he happy here? When they\nmoved in together, back in his dingy apartment in Cavalier, wasn't it\nnice even then? To share space. Meals. Time. A bed... He was\nhappy.\n\n\n\"When\nwas the last time I was happy,\" thought Soren as he continued\nto slice vegetables. He wasn't happy in college. He was putting his\nnose to the grinder to keep that scholarship, not to mention that he\ncould never get past the first date with anyone there. Not after\ncollege. His family's determination to \"fix\" him put a real\ndamper on things, plus he was scrambling around trying to get off\nAly's couch. Even after that he was depressed, alone, and barely\nscraping by, both financially and mentally. High school was the only\ntime Soren came close. Back when Grandma Jeanne was alive. He was\nlearning so much: cooking, music, a new love for science... but when\nshe died, he had no one but Sasha really. No one who could rescue him\nfrom his family's inane drama. Dating Milo was wonderful. He might\nhave been willing to say those three little words himself, but that\nconstantly looming threat of being discovered... it really stopped\nthem from feeling truly ready to commit.\n\nSo\nhere he was, in Eli's fantastic downtown condo. He was happy,\ncontent, and now mortally terrified. \"Why am I afraid?\" these\nwords were said aloud, as though his cutting board could provide an\nadequate explanation to his worries.\n\nA\nvoice answered. Soren knew that voice, and he detested it. It was\nsnide, condescending, cruel, and spiteful. It was a voice that had\nbeen inside him as long as he could remember. \"It's because you\nknow Eli is too good for you. Look at you. All you do is take from\nEli. You're not afraid of him. You know you can't return all the\ndeeds that Eli has done for you. You're not afraid of Eli. You're\nafraid of you. And you should be.\"\n\n\nSoren\nshook his head, trying desperately to shake off this unwelcome\nvisitor inside his head. That voice hadn't come to call in a long\ntime, and Soren wanted it to stay that way. The voice continued in a\ngleeful whisper. \"Look where you live. A penthouse in Kansas City.\nWhen could you ever afford that? You're a lab slave, paid slave\nwages. Without Eli you'd be back in Cavalier, in that grungy town\nhome, infested with vermin. You'd be right at home too...\"\n\n\nSoren\nbegan to chop faster, reducing a carrot to rings in seconds,\ndesperately trying to fill the headspace that hosted that voice with\nsomething, anything else. It was building up steam now, and Soren\ncouldn't stop it. \"But you don't care, do you? You want to be a lab\nslave, to keep your hands on the experiments. You don't wanna climb\nup to get shoved into a desk job. Noooo... you know you can get away\nwith it now. You don't need to advance now that you're living with\nEli. Face it. You're just a parasite.\n\n\nShaking\nhis head harder, Soren tried to focus on what he was cooking. It was\nJeanne's best meatloaf recipe. It was one of Eli's favorites. He\nchopped harder and harder, leaving gashes in the wooden cutting\nboard. The voice laughed. \"FOOD?! You think that cooking can make\nup for all this extravagance around you? Eli could eat out three\ntimes a day without blinking an eye. He's just humoring you. Do you\nthink you can compete with all the restaurants in this city? You've\nreally let your head swell up, haven't you?\"\n\nSoren\ndrove a knife deep into a squash he was carving, breathing hard and\nfast. He tried to think of anything to shut out that voice, but he\nwas too slow. It had him now. He slunk down onto the kitchen floor,\nhis forehead pressed against a lower cabinet. He tried to think of\nany happy thought. \"But his whole family loved my Thanksgiving\nstuff. That has to be something.\"\n\nThe\nvoice was gleeful now. \"Right. HIS whole family. The Vatras. Three,\nkind, loving family members who accepted you without hesitation. Lyra\nand Logan treated you like you were their own son.\"\n\n\nSoren\npounded his fist onto the floor. \"Isn't that a good thing, you\nshitty little gremlin?!\"\n\nThe\nvoice was almost incoherent with glee now. \"Reduced to name\ncalling? What are you, ten? No... you're an adult. And you're right.\nIt was a good thing. But what can YOU do? Nothing. Your parents hate\nyou. Your brother hates you. Your whole damn family hates you.\"\n\n\n\"What\nabout Aly?\"\n\n\"What\nabout her,\" asked the voice, \"All you've done for her is be a\nburden. You lived on her couch for six months while you got your shit\ntogether. Barely. And all that did was make your family angry at her\nas well as you. You will never give the gift of a family back to Eli.\nYou just want to use the Vatras as surrogates. A cheap imitation of a\nreal flesh and blood family.\"\n\n\nSoren\nwas rocking back and forth now, fighting with himself. He gripped the\nfur on his arms so hard that it was on the verge of being torn out,\ncausing surges of sharp needle-pain to run up and down his limbs.\nSoren hoped the pain might drive out that voice inside him. He\nsqueezed his eyes shut and felt wetness behind his lids. All of this\nwas just more kindling for that voice. \"Going to cry? How\njuvenile,\" it sneered. \"Perhaps you should go find Eli. He's a\ngood shoulder to cry on. You've done that plenty of times. He was\nalways there for you to vent on. He was always willing to listen to\nwhatever trivial shit was plaguing your life at the moment. You sure\ntook advantage of that, dumping all your problems on his shoulders.\"\n\nSoren\ncovered his eyes with the palms of his hands, his fingers gripping\ninto his lengthening blue bangs, tearing at the hair just with as\nmuch intensity that he had used on his arms. He felt tears leaking\nbehind his palms. He bit one of his silver tails to prevent himself\nfrom crying out, as well as to attempt to drive away that voice with\nsharp pain as he drew blood. \"Has Eli ever asked you to be his\nvent? No... he can solve his own problems. He's actually competent.\nNo... all you can do is complain. Eli is the one who tells you what\nto do.\"\n\n\nSoren\nbit down again. He knew it would be no good, but he tried anyway. The\nvoice snickered as he saw Soren hurting himself in a vain attempt to\ndrive away something that was intrinsically part of himself. \"And\nyou can't even vent to him properly. You think you can deal with your\nown problems without help. You just bottle it up, waiting for it to\nexplode. And you do explode, only to attack the only person who could\nactually help you.\n\n\n\"That\nonly happened once, dammit.\"\n\n\"So\nyou're a name calling crybaby who can't even count? Whenever\nEli tries to help, you push and push him away. You're just kidding\nyourself again. You think you can solve your own problems. You can't.\nYou always relied on someone else. Aly, Jeanne, Sasha... and now Eli.\nBut you kept telling yourself you could do it alone. But then you'd\njust fuck up time and again and attack the only people who could have\nsaved your sorry ass. And you never learn. You're just one sad and\nsorry fuck up.\"\nSoren\nwas now helpless against his own brain. The malicious voice was\nrunning circles around his head, driving home every point. \"You're\njust a parasite. In every damn way. All you do is take. You take\nmoney out of his pocket. You take the love of a family that isn't\neven yours. And what do you give back? Stress, mundane problems, and\ntantrums whenever ANYONE tries to get your sorry ass out of the shit\npile it's in.\"\n\n\nA\ndifferent voice began to speak. This voice was a rare visitor inside\nSoren's head, but it was a more welcome one than the cold voice that\nwas currently taking the stage. This voice was warmer, softer, and\ncame with a smile just like Eli's. \"Did he ever care?\"\n\n\nThe\ntwo voices were going back and forth now. Soren no longer had his\neyes shut nor was he biting his tail. He sat stock still as his\npsyche waged war with itself. The cold voice fired the first shot.\n\"You can't deny that Soren's a dirty freeloader.\"\n\n\n\"Soren\nwas living with Eli before they moved here. Back in that grubby old\napartment. Eli had no idea if his next auctions would be as good as\nhis first. Better than his first. They didn't move here till Eli felt\nhe could sustain himself.\"\n\n\n\"But\nEli pays for everything.\"\n\n\"He\ndoesn't care. Having Soren cook for him was always enough for Eli.\"\n\n\n\"Eli\ncould eat better food than this for the rest of his life without\ngiving up anything. He has more money than he knows what to do with.\nHe could buy a house in cash.\"\n\n\n\"But\nEli is happy here. he doesn't want to do those things. He doesn't\ncare.\" there was a pause as the cold voice scrambled to change the\ntopic.\n\n\n\"What\nabout his family? The Sauls would never accept Eli like the Vatras\ndid for him.\"\n\n\n\"Eli\nknows that. He thinks the Sauls are terrible people for how they\ntreat their son. He doesn't want their affection if they think he's\nbroken for being gay.\"\n\n\"The\nVatras are too good to him. Soren and Eli were dating for less than\nsix months at Thanksgiving. They treated Soren like a son. All he\nreally was was a casual date.\"\n\n\n\"Did\nanyone care? They were all eager to meet Soren. They all liked him.\"\nAnother pause.\n\n\n\"You\nstill can't deny that Soren's a dependent fool. He can't pick out his\nown shirt without asking Eli for help.\"\n\n\n\"That's\nwhy they started living together. Eli said it himself. 'Isn't\nthat why we are living together? Didn't we do that so we could love\nand help each other?'\"\n\n\"You\nseem to be forgetting about Soren's terrible temper. Eli sure has\ntaken a lot of shit because Soren's deluded himself into thinking\nhe's independent.\"\n\nThe\nwarm voice now raised its volume, speaking not with petty rage but\nrighteous fury. \"And Eli has never cared about that.\"\n\n\nThe\ntwo fractures of Soren's psyche began circling each other, like lions\nsizing each other up before a fight. Soren wasn't even able to\nprocess the whole argument anymore. He heard words flash through his\nmind, sometimes in the condescending voice, sometimes in the warm\nvoice.\n\n\nThe\ntwo parts of himself waged a furious war for what felt like hours.\nSoren was beyond being able to comprehend it. He curled into a ball\nand watched as his own brain spiraled into confusion, no longer able\nto stay in control. All he could do was watch the clock move forward,\nagonizingly slow. After almost an hour passed, Soren managed to reach\na state of partial coherency. He heard the two voices more clearly as\nthey continued to clash.\n\n\n\"Parasite!\nDeluded! Incompetent!\" The snide voice was reduced to shouting, no\nlonger forming coherent arguments.\"\n\n\"He\nnever cared, you fool. Eli never cared about Soren's faults. He only\ncared about...\"\n\n\"...Me,\"\nsaid Soren, finishing the statement aloud. The voices waging war in\nhis head vanished, leaving echos of the battle ringing inside his own\nbrain.\n\n\nSoren\nstood up, his legs shaking a little. He took the knife out of the\nsquash and cleaned it on a rag. He gripped the flawless blade and\nheld it up to his face, looking at himself in the reflection of the\nthick, sharp blade. He traced his thumb across the keen edge, putting\npressure on the cutting edge but not pushing hard enough that he\nwould be cut. It had been at least twelve years since he had cut\nhimself with a kitchen knife.\n\n\nStaring\nat himself through the glint of the aged knife, he saw his eyes were\nred. No surprises there. His blue hair was haphazardly spiked after\nhe had torn at it, and his whole face looked drawn and almost gaunt\nafter that war with himself. It had been ages since he had an episode\nlike that. He had childishly hoped for a while now that the terrible\nvoice wouldn't come back this time.\n\n\nHe\nstraightened his hair and got a coke from the fridge. A long gulp and\nshake of his head suppressed most of the mental exhaustion, but he\nstill felt drained. He finished the meatloaf automatically, throwing\nit into the oven, his legs and arms shaking the whole time.\n\nAfter\nhe set the timer, Soren slowly made his way to the couch. He turned\non the iHome and felt a wave of calm wash over him as he selected his\nviolin playlist. A wave of calm washed over him, the music slow,\nmelodic, and filled with memories. Many of these songs were songs he\nlearned to play himself.\n\n\nSoren\ncovered his eyes with his palms and let the tears leak out, his brain\nstill echoing with the words of both voices. He went through another\ncoke and many glasses of ice water. He felt blood pounding past his\nears, and was suddenly conscious of how hard and fast he was\nbreathing. He ached all over from tight of a ball he had curled into,\nand two of his tails were stained red.\n\n\nSoren\nwatched the timer count down. At five minutes left to go, he got up,\nstill shaking and went to the sink to wipe his tails free of blood.\nSplashing his face with a bit of water, he went to take the food out\nof the oven and let it cool a bit. He inspected his reflection in the\nblade again, and he looked mostly normal. Mostly.\n\n\nSoren\nmade his way slowly to the loft stairs, only to meet Eli walking down\nthe last few steps, a shirt free of paint looped over his right arm.\nSoren forced himself to smile. \"I was going to call you for dinner,\nbut you beat me to it.\"\n\n\n\"I\nheard the buzzer,\" said Eli. \"I just needed to finish a small\nportion of that project anyway.\" The two foxes lingered there\nawkwardly. Eli absently took off the paint covered shirt and hooked\nit on the railing. \"Did you forget something in the loft? Want me\nto grab it for you.\"\n\n\nSoren\nshook his head. \"No. I just forgot to do something up there.\" The\nsilver fox stepped forward and wrapped Eli in his powerful arms. \"I\nforgot to say 'I love you, too.'\" They kissed each other. It was\nreminiscent of their first kiss. But this one was even sweeter. It\nwasn't born from drunken recklessness. This kiss was deliberate,\npremeditated, and even more passionate.\n\n\nDinner\nwas forgotten. They moved to the couch and collapsed on it. They held\neach other with intense strength, as though they could become one\nbeing if they gripped hard enough. Soren felt the wounds inflicted by\nthat cold, snide voice wash away as he held Eli. Soren kissed Eli\nagain, breaking apart after what felt like sweet and blissful eons.\n\"Eli, thank you... for being here.\"\n\n\nEli\nstroked Soren's silver face, looking confused and slightly amused.\n\"You never need to thank me for that. It's no big deal.\"\n\n\nSoren\nburied his face in Eli's arms. \"You have no idea, sweetie.\"\n\n\nEli's\nlook of confusion remained. \"Soren... are you all right? You really\nfreaked out upstairs.\"\n\n\n\nSoren\nwas reluctant to provide the whole answer, still scared from the war\nhis psyche had waged with itself, sparked so unintentionally by Eli.\n\"Well... I just sorta panicked. I kinda flashed back to when I was\nwith Milo. Being with him felt so... good. Especially after Grandma\nJeanne died. For a long time I wanted to say those three little words\nto Milo. I really did care for him. But... well you know where we\nwere. What our families were like. I was afraid to say it out loud\nonly to watch it fall apart... like it did.\"\n\n\n\nEli\nhugged Soren. \"But that's not all, is it.\" Soren bit his tongue\ninside his mouth and waited. After ten long seconds, Eli spoke again.\n\"That was a statement, dear. Not a question.\"\n\n\n\nSoren\nburied his face further into Eli's embrace. His voice drifted out\nbetween Eli's strong arms, muffled and quivering by a minute\nfraction. \"I'm... afraid. I'm afraid that I'm just a burden to\nyou.\"\n\n\n\nEli\nsighed and held Soren closer to him. \"Soren, please. You know I've\nnever thought that. I will never think that.\"\n\n\nSoren\nfelt tears of shame leaking past his eyes. \"but I am. And whatever\nI do, I'm going to keep trying to hide my problems from you and then\npush you away when you try to help. I can't stop hurting you, and\nI've tried and tried to stop, but something's going to end up making\nme explode.\"\n\n\nEli\nextracted Soren from himself and wiped his blue eyes with a gentle\nhand. \"Did you hear me upstairs? I love you. I love all\nof\nyou. Even the bad parts. There are no caveats in those words.\"\n\n\n\nSoren\nkissed Eli, breaking apart only after they ran out of breath. \"I\nlove you too, Eli. That's why I'm so scared. I'm afraid I'll hurt\nyou.\"\n\n\n\"Nobody's\nperfect,\" said Eli. \"Stop trying to be. You don't give yourself\nenough credit.\"\n\n\n\nSoren\nhugged Eli tightly. \"You are.\"\n\n\nEli\njumped a little, but continued to stroke Soren's face. \"But I don't\ncare about being perfect. Us loving each other is enough for me. We\ncan do this together.\" Soren closed his eyes at Eli's soft touch.\nAfter a long time, he nodded his head in assent. Soren felt Eli lay\nhis head onto his chest, and together they drifted into nothingness.\n\n\n\n"}