# Letting Go

Author: Ahmar_Wolf
Tags: Bear, Human, Wolf

I wrote this story to deal with the loss of my real life brother. It deals with no wanting to let go, holding on to whatever you can even if the idea is pure insanity. But it also deals with coming to terms, finding a happy middle ground which is sorta where my life is now.


It had been days after his brother's
passing, that he began going through both of their belongings to see
not only what could be kept, but what had to be tossed, and what
could get donated. But when he discovers while going through a box, a
small ceramic figure of a bear. A flood of memories now fill his
every waking moment as he recalls how his mother gave it to Dennis as
a birthday present long ago, back when they both were still little
more than kids. It was time also when they had little money for
extras, but still she wanted them to have at least something. But
despite all the moves, and all that had happened to the pair of them
since their mother's own passing. The bear remained intact, while his
glass marble mouse had long since disappeared. As he holds that bear
tight to his chest he cries his heart out"Dennis why did you
have to die?!!!".

He lost not only his brother, his best
friend, someone he could always count on being there with no
questions asked. "Dennis, why couldn't you tell me you had
cancer", but there is no answer for is is very much alone. The
longer the man holds that figure of a bear, the more questions he
has, than answers. He knew his brother had jaundice for more than a
year but really never thought twice about it. Oh sure his G.I. Doctor
hinting at possible cancer, with more a wait and see
attitude...terminal cancer was the last thing on his mind. But they
had been close all there lives, after all they had never separated
until that final trip to the hospital.


His sleep was restless most nights,
tossing and turning, awake for hours without end. Along with the
bouts of tears, that occur both day and night. Sure his heart was
broken over his loss, but still he wished he had answers to the
questions that raced around in his own mind. Like when did his
brother 1st knew, he had cancer and why those 3 trips to the hospital
the last 2 months of his life. But then there the biggest question
when did his brother knew his cancer was terminal. In fact the only
reason he found out about it through a family friend who was now a
Pastor demanding answers from Dennis who finally let his doctors
speak the truth.

Oh he remembers that horrible, horrible
day when his brothers doctors called him in for a meeting. Once they
gave him the news, he felt as if his world caved in beneath him. He
still is uncertain how he got home.

Then there was the worse days to come
keeping his brothers hopes alive as the cancer spread in those final
2 weeks. He prays to God forgiveness for trying to block out part of
the very last day he ever spent. It was there in his room as they
shared apple juice and orange creme bars...like they did when they
were kids. They talked about future plans, and life itself. But in
his hearts of hearts he knew this would never happen. For once he
left his brother and decided to go home. Tears rained down both
cheeks for the remainder of the day.

Less than 36 hours later his brother
died.

"Dr. Ed Delmar, you know you have
classes to teach. I know it is a tragic loss when a family member
dies but it's been months and you haven't return to work". That
is what his college president said to him, his only answer was, "I
quit".

He wanted answers, after all they had
been so close nothing was ever a secret to them. But this cancer, was
was no logic behind why his brother keep it a secret right up near
the end. He had tried God, mediums, and psychics and all he found he
was just as lost and as devastated as he was the day of his brother's
memorial service.

"What good is all this education I
have if it leaves me empty inside!!!" he screamed as he stood by
an open window of his 19th floor apt as he pondered life itself. Then
he suddenly had this germ of an idea of building a device to
communicate with the dead. He knew it had been tried before without
success. But he was sort of a genius with electronics and he knew the
experts who could possibly guide him in the right direction in to
building such a device. He then shut the window and logged in to his
PC
and did his research.


Driven like a madman which he was
slowly becoming, even after months after abandoning friends, and

associates he thought he had discover a
previously undiscovered wave. Every time he concentrated a unique
signal would appear on the computer screen. His mind reasoned that
this must be the wave that connects the living to the dead. That was
when his real work began, building a device to use that signal to
reach out to contact those who were no longer around.


The project took years and everything
he had just to reach out to his now long dead brother, save for that
ceramic bear which always sat right next to his work. Now living in
a shack on the edge of town, the device was now complete. He then
turned it on, the screen appeared which was composed of pure energy
as slowly a picture began to appear of that of fields of what. As he
came closer he could see it was of corn and tomatoes and all sorts of
vegetables. He had to stop and think about it for a moment.
Where had he seen something like that
before. Back at the old farmhouse they had as kids. But when he heard
the voice of his brother say, "We need to plant the raspberries
over there". He knew it had to be him and began crying out,
"Dennis, Dennis it's me your brother Ed!!! For God's sake can't
you hear me!!!". There was nothing for the longest time, then he
heard the voice say, "Ed?!".


That was when Ed reached out towards
the screen, and shack was suddenly blown apart by a terrific
explosion which leveled everything. Leaving nothing more than rubble
in it's wake.

For Ed did not die all he could
remember is the feeling of falling for what seemed like forever until
he finally passed out.


Before finding himself in the modest
farmhouse, which the more he thought about reminded him of the one
from his childhood. He almost felt like this had to be a dream as he
sat up and began to look around. Everything was there from the quilt
with it's colorful design hanging on the walls. To the rough made
furniture built by his father and grandfather and then to discover he
had been covered this quilt, he found himself almost in tears because
it was the very same one of his childhood which had been lost for
years. The same could be said for everything he saw. The furniture,
the lamps, the rugs, in fact everything he knew all too well. He even
looked through an open doorway to see if there was staircase to an
upper floor. Sure enough it in deed was there, and so was the
handmade red rug that always lay at the bottom of the stairs. He
suddenly remembered running down those stairs as a kid and sliding on
the carpet as he hit literally bottom. He laughed at the thought of
nearly breaking his tail bone more than once.


Ed was crying tears of joy when he
suddenly heard the voice of his brother say, "Ahh, your awake
Would you like something to drink". Which was something he would
always say to his brother in the mornings. "Sure anything would
be fine". "Good enough". Ed could not believe any of
this was this real or did he finally go mad.


But then it hit him, his family lost
the house shortly after his father died of leukemia. Oh sure his
mother made an effort to keep the house and the family possessions in
the end but for some reason or the other they lost everything in the
end.

He was just checking out a table,
pacifically this one drawer to see if a particular pair of scissors
just happened to be there when he finally heard someone coming. He
waited with excitement.

That is when he saw him, it wasn't the
figure of his brother. It was a bear dressed in overhauls and boots,
all the while carrying 2 wooden cups. Ed freaked out the moment he
saw it, and made a run for the door...at least he did until the bear
said in a voice that could of belonged to his brother, "What is
it with you wolves, someone offers you something and you go out of
your minds...like your all crazy or something". That was when Ed
stopped as it suddenly hit him, "Did you say wolves?" That
bear looked at him like he was out of his head, "Yes your a
wolf, and a naked one at that". That was when Ed finally looked
at himself and saw he was covered in his own fur, in a pattern
resembling that of a wolf. Then he felt his own face and head, which
left him asking, "What the hell happened to me I was a human
being?!!". As the bear finally handed him the cup, "I don't
know anything about these human beings your talking about. I just
know if you want to hang around here your going to have to wear some
clothes, and work for your room and board. Know anything about
farming wolf?".


Ed almost had no time to absorb it all,
expect to reply "The name is Ed". "Funny that name
seems strangely familiar, have you ever been around this way before".
"No I guess not". "The name is Dennis, and this is my
farm. We grow fruit and vegetables for the people in and around this
valley...as long as no one steals them". "Sounds like you
got problems". "Mainly with wolves, they think because I get
it from nature for free, they can just take it anytime they want.
They just don't know the hard work involved in keeping my crops
healthy. I hope you can keep your wolf buddies at bay". By the
way Dennis pointed his finger at him, he knew he meant that. The only
reply Ed could give was "Okay, I'll
try, and I do know something about
farming".

Dennis then showed him a bunch of old
work clothes in a back room, "They belonged to an old farm hand
by the name of Hank". "Hand Drebble", Ed wonders as he
remembers that is the man who helped around the family farm when he
was just a kid. "I don't know this Drebble, but I do know this
Hank and his love of fermented berry juice. That is why he no longer
works for me, work out well and you might get paid. Don't and you'll
leave here as I found you". That was when Ed turned to Dennis
and asked, "How did you find me?". "That was the
funniest thing I was over by the field where I plan on planting some
raspberry vines, to see how much work has to be done. Then there you
were naked as I found you, as if someone threw you there...they
didn't did they". Scratching his head, "All I can remember
is being in some sort of explosion". "Then your lucky to be
alive, now once you get dressed I want you to place that cup in the
sink then follow me outside and grab a pick we have a lot of work to
do before we plant them late this winter".

Finally Ed was left alone, frankly he
had a hard time making heads and tails of all of this...especially
his own. Which was definitely real...as it hurt when he tugged on it.
'Dennis a bear?!'

It was good to be back on a farm again.
The memories from his childhood just kept on flooding in. But then
there was this Dennis who was so much like his own late brother...but
sorta different as well. This one could cook, as he quickly learned,
"Like that juice I gave you, it's my own combination". But
that wasn't all, when Ed asked about the farm, "The farm, I got
it from my parents. They are both retired now, they live in a home
run by our cousins for retired senior folk". "Then I guess
you have nobody to leave it to when your gone". "I know you
wolves, your not going to get this place. I plan on getting married
to Susan, this winter. She has her own place on the other side of the
valley. She is planning on turning her farm over to other relations
and once they prove to her they can run her farm, she will be moving
in with me...after were married of course".

Naturally he was left with more
questions than he had answers for, but he also quickly discover this
one
had the same concern for others like
his late brother. As they walked to where the raspberries was going
to be planted. Carrying the tools they needed Dennis asked him, "I
know you wolves take great pride in your families. I don't expect
you'll be seeing them soon". Ed just sighed, "I lost my
father due to cancer back when I was still just a kid, my mother a
stroke when I was 17, and my brother all too recently also to
cancer". That was when this Dennis patted him on the back, "I
am truly sorry, cancer can be a bitch. So your all alone in this
world". "(sigh) I am not even a mate anywhere in sight".
"I guess your left feeling empty inside". "I sure am,
sometimes it hurts more than I can stand it. You see my brother hid
the fact he had cancer and when I found out it was already too late".
"You know some people will hide the fact that something will be
taking there lives. But they don't want to pass along that torment to
anyone, I guess your brother was like that". "Sure was, it
was like you were there". "..and when you found out it was
terminal. It was only then he wanted help...right?!'. "Right?!!!"
"He just wanted to spare you his torment, maybe he had the kind
of cancer at first that could not be easily treated, some cancers can
be like that". Ed just looked at him wondering if there was some
connection between Dennis the bear and his brother. "He most
likely wanted to ease your burden, little knowing that if you had
more time with him while he still was alive you could handle what you
eventually went through far better. Instead of feeling so empty that
the idea of suicide became acceptable and possibly a choice you
almost made. Just remember everyone has faults, and I guess your
brother was no exception. He might of dropped the ball in the way he
handled it, but your alive and here for a reason. I know they say
that in church all the time. But think about, how much have your life
changed already...not for the worse but for the better. Like finding
me for one". Dennis just patted him on the back once again, "It
gives you something to thank about".


Ed may of heard those exact same words
before but it was different this time around. He actually felt as
if his late brother had explained his
actions. For the first time in a very long time he could say he felt
better.


But the more he thought about Dennis
the Bear, he knew this wasn't his brother. But he did like being
around someone who simply cared about him again.

He may of felt better, but not so about
the work this Dennis wanted him to do. As Dennis laid out his plans,
"Conditions here are perfect for raspberries, except the soil
you see which is full of large rocks. I need to have you dig down
about 4 feet removing all the rocks you can and piling them up next
to the cart I have over there. Once you get them all dug up then I
want you to haul the rocks to that large boulder you see next to the
peas down there. You see later I plan on using some of those rocks
for a flower/herb garden for Susan. Don't worry about replacing the
soil a neighbor is coming later with soil he says is perfect".
"So this Susan loves raspberries". "Yes, in a way. You
see I actually growing them for a neighbor. Her name is Millie she
makes the best raspberry jam you ever tasted..but she can't grow any
of them on her land...too many rocks. Now you get on with it...this
should only take you a couple days". "And you'll be",
Ed wonders. "In another part of my farm doing what I have to do,
now get on with it".


As Ed worked with more a pick than a
shovel began removing rock, after rock, after rock. after rock To him
it seemed this soil was more rocks than anything else.

Then Dennis pulled a surprise on him a
few hours later when he came to help him out. "I see you done very
little". "Call it 2 things too damn many rocks and I am not use
to all this hard work, I use to be a teacher". "Ahh no wonder
so little work has been done, you want teach those stones right out
of the soil". I was a bad joke, but Ed kinda laughed at the way
this Dennis told it.
By the time night came and work was
through for the day Dennis offered him, "I don't how much I can
trust you, especially after all my dealings with you wolves. You
sleep in the barn tonight after dinner. Once you show that I can
trust you, I'll offer you a room in the house if that's okay with
you". "Anything you want...Dennis". That was when the
bear turned to him, "I still can't quite figure out why do I
think I know you, I know this sounds funny, but your like the brother
I never had". Then he started to leave only adding, "There
is a bucket over by the door...wash up and Dinner will be ready, when
it's ready".

As Ed washed up, taking all the dirt
out of his fur. He just felt plain confused by all of this. His
parents...Alive?!! and seemly happy?!! Ed knew his father was a
drunken beast when he got near the bottle, his cancer only ended the
pure torment of the family. While his mother died of a stroke when he
was 17, on that horrible horrible night. Dennis getting married?!!
His brother wasn't plan interested in anyone male or female. If it
was an alternate reality it was as alternate as you could get.

But Dennis as it turned out was an
excellent cook...the meal was vegetarian, but there was more than he

could ever eat. But like his late
brother this one loved to talk. He learned about his neighbors for
the most part, and a name straight from his childhood. Carol, the
first girl he ever had a crush upon. He learned she was single and
looking. Ed wondered to himself did the magic he had with his Carol
extended to the one in this world.

By the time dinner was over Dennis, Ed
offered to lend a hand in cleaning up. But Dennis had an even bigger
surprise, "You know since you did a lot more work than I
expected, you can have one of the spare bedrooms upstairs.


Pacifically the one he showed him was
his old bedroom when he was a kid. Ed was so overwhelmed he was
crying out of pure emotion gave Dennis a big hug. "Well show
someone a little kindness, now you have a good night Ed, we have a
lot of work the next morning". "We sure do", as he
wiped away the tears from his eyes.


Finally he was left alone to think
about all that had happened today, but the one thing he had to admit
 he felt good about himself, more than
he had in years. Maybe being with this Dennis..was dare he say God's
way of letting him know it was finally time for him to let go. For he
did remember that explosion, for only God could of saved his
life...for what purpose only time would tell.

Speaking of time, he was very tired,
down right sleepy so off with the work clothes and in to bed where he
quickly fell asleep.

There was in deed a lot of work on the
farm, Ed did his share in the days and weeks that were to come.

There was times he fully admitted he
wasn't in shape for all the hard work. Then Dennis asked him "What
kind of teacher were you"."Before this I was just a teacher of
electronics". "Well teacher this is reality of life on a
farm. I would not advise heading to our local school for a job. The
ones who are already there have a job for life...and I intend to add
to there problems if you know what I mean".

Dennis having kids...this truly was a
different world.

Finally weeks later he came face to
face with Dennis' biggest problem the wolves.

He had been in the far end of the field
checking on a crop of asparagus when he ran in to 24 of them. 17
adults and 7 kids of various ages ranging from just a baby to a kids
just being sick they are still kids.

So there he stood in his work clothes
and there was the pack of wolves naked just in their fur and the

very first thing any of them says to
him, "He smells funny, I don't trust him". "Neither
does the farmer about you". Then one apparently their leader
comes right up to him, "Why not shed those clothes and join are
pack and be free". "And be hungry no thanks...that's why I
got a job. I am sure the farmer here would hire any of you there is
more than enough work around here". "Work is hard",
another whines. "It's better than being hungry, and by the way I
would not advise even nibbling on the plants around here most of the
leaves will make you sick if you eat them". "A trick of a
man that perverts nature". "He call you thieves", that
was when some started growling. "Look all you want is food to
fill your empty bellies..right. I assume none of you would object to
eating the pests around the farm. Namely incests and
rodents...right". "So what are you saying", their
leader adds. "Look I am sure the farmer would have no objection
if you eat only the pests around the farm. Then later this year we
share the harvest with you...at least what you can carry. What do you
say to that?" That was when they
huddled around and began talking among
themselves, until there leader, "Okay but all we have is your
word". "What if I get the farmer over here and we talk
about this". "Agreed".

A short time later Dennis turned to Ed,
"I can't believe this, my problems with the wolves are over".
"Best of all they are going to keep the fields pest free, and
all it's going to cost you is a little produce". That was when
Dennis slapped him on the back, "I always said it takes a wolf
to talk to a wolf, and you proved my point. You definitely paid at
harvest time...you earned it".

But that was not all for just 2 days
later while working in the field he noticed 2 wolf kids were watching
him as slowly a 3rd one was coming his way. Getting down
on one knee he asks, "How can I help you". That when one of the
kids shouts out, "We never seen anything like you before in our
lives". "I guess I am a little different, of course where I came
from is really different". Then the other kid shouts, "He's
lying". Then the 3rd kid who seemed a bit older asks
him, "Tell us what is so different". "If you don't mind me
working, I'll tell you". "Sure go ahead".

By the time he told them about life in
the city with it's noise and traffic. He had the kids to some
weeding, "That is when it hit him, "These kids no absolutely
nothing, except beyond surviving and that's it.

At the end of the day, he said to them,
"Any of your friends want to come around and know something I'll be
glad to talk to you about it". Sure enough nearly every wolf kid
that was able to walk was there, just to listen and help out. When
one of the mothers wondered what was up, he told her and the
following, "They are good kids". She just smiled.



About a week later, Ed was out in the
field to see if Dennis had a smaller shovel for one of the kids when
he saw him running, he soon followed and quickly discovered why. It
was a female bear and
her companion a foxy she wolf.


By the time Ed had caught up to then
Dennis, he was kissing what had to be Susan, meanwhile that sexy she
wolf in a red dress, "The name is Carol, and you are..."
"Ed". "Why is it I feel like I know you", Carol
wondered. That was when when Susan "Look Carol you never met
any male wolf named Ed in your life". "I think I better
explain things Susan is my sister and I was adopted by her family
after I was abandoned on her family's doorstep", Carol
explained. "Oooo I wish you were left on my doorstep you look so
fine in that red dress". "How nice of you to say",
When Susan took Dennis by the hand and walked towards the house.
Carol stopped Ed, "They want to be alone...after all they will
be getting married soon". "Maybe that's a good thing, it
will give us time to talk", Ed said.

As they too walked towards the house,
Carol wonders, "So what have you been up to, I know silly I
guess". "Not really it's more a matter of me getting use to
life on a farm again. You see I grew up on one until my father died".
"I am sorry". "No need to be that was a long time
ago". "Have any friends back then?". "Lots, but I
know this sounds a bit silly I had this grade school crush on this
girl". "You remember her name?" "Don't laugh, it
was Carol", she did anyway. "I would do anything to get her
attention, flowers, candy, even my favorite toys. You name it, I
tried it". "Even if she wanted to play doctor", that
was when Ed nodded. "You got to be joking", Carol laughed.
"No we actually played doctor, you know I'll show you mine, if
you show me yours". Carol just seemed delighted by this,
"So I guess you and her really hit
it off later". "Sadly no, my family lost our home and we
had to move. But the real reason things never went further was her
sister, she just plain wanted to be there. I just couldn't get in to
that". "Frankly, I don't blame you. If I was doing you show
me yours with a guy I liked. I wouldn't want anyone else to be around
there either".

Then suddenly they kissed, it wasn't
one of those it was over before it began kind of kisses. This one
turned in to one of those tongue sharing, kisses of pure passion.

That was when one of the wolf kids came
up to him and asked, "Aren't you going to finish your story". "I
have to take care of this first, but will be back later".


In fact an hour later on the porch
swing, Ed was saying, "They are such good kids, and they know
nothing". "One thing you learn around here that sometime people
have there own agenda when it comes to their own kids". "Sounds
like someone here has a little experience..." That was when Carol
turned to him, "What is that suppose to mean?" "You want to
argue or kiss", that is when she kissed him, and later "I
never kissed a woman like that before in my entire life". "I
could say almost the same thing, you know Ed I think we have fallen
in love". "But we know nothing about each other, I don't
even know your likes or dislikes". "We will learn them over
time", Carol said before they kissed once again.
It was later at dinner that Dennis
remarked, "Ed, you don't know this but Carol is a teacher at our
local school. By the way Ed claims he is a teacher as well".
"You are?!", Carol wonders. "That explains so much, my
field is only electronics". "He sure is right, no one cares
about that stuff here", Susan said. "What my sister means
is we only take students between the ages of 4 to 12". "I
can see what she means", Ed adds. "That's why I been
telling him he better stay a farm hand", Dennis said.

It was after dinner that Carol and Ed
once again found themselves on the porch watching the setting sun. "I
wish I could say I wish Dennis didn't pound in the point that your
just a farm hand these days. A teacher of electronics now there is
something". Ed just sighed, "It isn't that what shook me,
frankly Carol I am making more of an impact as a farm hand than I
did as a teacher". Carol couldn't believe that, "You
couldn't of been that bad...were you?!". Ed just sighed, "I
was on academic probation when all of this happened. I don't know
what it is with me, my teachers said I was a brilliant student and
with electronics I am a wizard. But when it came to passing that
knowledge along to my students. I swear they got more out of one of
those sci fi comic books than they did from any of my lectures".
"You are
just being hard on yourself". "No
I am not, I should of told you one of my own students laid that line
on me. After failing a test". "Maybe it was just one
student that didn't quite get it". Ed just looked in to her deep
blue eyes, "They all failed", "Ouch!!!" "Face
I haven't the gift of teaching".

That was when Carol just smiled at him,
and he wondered, "What are you smiling at me like that". "You
forgot something important, what you been teaching those wolf kids".
"But that just was...", "Teaching".

It was early the next morning just as
the sun broke the horizon, Ed found himself on the field looking at
what would be his future. When suddenly he spotted this male bear
heading his way. For a moment he thought it was Dennis, before he
noticed this one was wearing a dark suit and carrying something. But
as he watched some more this figure wasn't heading towards the house
it was heading in his direction.

So he waited finally that bear
introduced himself as "Pastor Robert, glad to finally meet you
Ed". "Pastor the only one who needs you is Dennis, he said
he can't wait to winter to get married". "We will see him
later after we talk". Suddenly Ed wondered what was this about,
"Why talk to me I am in no need of you". "That was
what you thought when you were still a human being, when you thought
you were failing at life, and failing to be a good brother. I know
more about you then you think I know Dr. Ed Delmar. God, and yes God
brought you to this place. Your meeting new people, and experiencing
new things, hey maybe I could get you to join my church we have
services at 10 AM every
Sunday at the local school. At least it
will get you to meet more new people and maybe I could get you to
join my Men's Real Talk group, they meet every other Friday at 6 PM.
We talk about everything, while we share something to eat. Oh sure
you could dwell on the past, wallowing in your own
self pity. But look at yourself can you
in all honesty tell me you feel as you did when your arrived here".
"No, in fact I do feel better", Ed finally admitted. "Who
knows what twists and turns life takes you, maybe someday you'll meet
a woman and will be asking me to marry you two, maybe even you have
someone in mind already". Ed just smiled as he thought about
Carol.

But the Pastor had one last thing under
his jacket and that was a children s book for early readers. "If
you still think you still have doubts your still not a teacher. Take
this book, there is a wolf child back in the fields by the cabbages
who feels like his life is a waste. That life is nothing more than
survival, after a lecture by his father. Why not take this book and
show that young boy the written word". Ed didn't quite know what
to do, should he or shouldn't he.

But then after thinking about, "No
child should ever feel life isn't worth living", Ed said. "That
same could be said about adults...now isn't that true". Ed then
took the book, as Pastor Robert smiled as he patted him on the back.
Ed had no idea what his future made
hold, but the one thing he was certain about was the problems he had
when his brother died were over. He had faced them in combat and
won...a new life. To where this was going to take him. He hadn't a
clue, but he knew it was going to be fun getting there.

Source: https://sofurry.com/view/579592