{"sf1_id":729881,"sf2_id":null,"title":"Heartache","author":"cnbfox","words":4148,"posted_at":"2014-07-13T06:00:00.000Z","tags":["Cub","Death","Male","No-Yiff"],"url":"https://fse.anthro.fr/stories/729881-heartache","original_url":"https://sofurry.com/view/729881","image_url":"https://www.sofurryfiles.com/std/thumb?page=729881\u0026ext=.jpg","description":"","content":"\nHeartache\n                I\nlistened to the bell toll and hung my head in silence as I removed my hat.  It was \"Death's toll\" I called it, three bell\ntones signaling the loss of life, and I saw several passengers cringe in fear\nas mutterings began to take place.  \"This\nship is cursed now.\"  \"It's a bad omen\nfor the rest of the voyage.\"  I only\nsmirked hearing their concerns.  \"At\nleast they've only had to hear it once. \nI've heard it countless times.\"  Mr. Thompson looked at me with concern in his\neyes.  \"I know you have, but you can't\nstand there and say the Death Toll doesn't bother you, because you know and I know\nthat it bothers you.\"  I stood there as\nmy smile faded and memories of my past flooded my head as I began to flick my\ntail rather upset and disturbed...\n                Weeks\nhad passed since my Aunt Margaret and Uncle Edgar took me in under their roof\nand needless to say, they weren't expecting me to be a handful, but what could\none expect when you just took an orphan off the street, even though I had been\nraised in a noble home, I preferred the street life to a normal home life.  The idea of not having any rules to follow\nhad rubbed off on me.  I had lived in the\nstreets for nearly two months and even though it was a tough two months, I had\nlearned how to defend myself, I learned how to fight, and I learned how to be\nstreet smart.  My Aunt and Uncle didn't\nreally care for my street smarts since it seemed to make me a little arrogant\nand full of myself.  I walked into the\nparlor smirking sporting a black eye and blood on my muzzle met immediately\nbeing greeted with two frowns and an icy stare. \n\"Would you care to explain yourself, young man?\"  My Uncle said glancing over his paper and\nstarted tapping a foot on the ground.  \"I\ngot into a fight with a coyote that said nobles weren't capable of fighting.\"  I was smiling and had a few spots of blood on\nmy teeth from a small cut on my lip.  \"You're\ngetting blood on the parlor floor!\"  My\nAunt immediately hurried over to me after ringing a small service bell and\ncalled for a maid to bring a cold cloth. \n\"I'll live.\"  I said as I tried to\npull away from, but was met by a quick slap to the seat of my pants forcing me\nto jump a little and cry out. \"Ouch!\"  \"How\ndare you pull away from like that young man!\" \nAunt Margaret grabbed my arm and pulled me out of the parlor and met a\nmaid in the foyer as she took the cloth from her and proceeded to clean my\nface.  \"That stings!\"  She didn't like me complaining apparently and\nroughly led me upstairs to a bathroom trying to clean up my wounds and wanted\nto get a good look at that cut.  \"You\nshould be ashamed of yourself for fighting!\" \n\"You should see the other guy.\"  I\nsaid trying to make light of the situation, but my aunt just stood there and\nfolded her arms glaring at me.  \"Clean\nyourself up, and then head down to the kitchen, since you want to act like a\ncommoner, you will be treated like a commoner.\" \nShe turned and stormed out of the bathroom rather upset that I was not\nas noble as she would have liked. \n                Mr. Thompson\nexplained that since the poor soul had more than likely just passed, they might\nwait till we got to shore to bury the body, but since it was August it was very\nprobable they would bury him at sea.  \"Don't\nexpect me to be at the funeral.\"  I said\nas I crossed my arms and looked out over the ocean.  \"I have been to way too many funerals, and I'm\nonly eighteen years old.\"  Mr. Thompson\nlooked at me gripping the rail and flicked his tail.  \"Imagine how some families feel having to deal\nwith funerals every so often.  It is a\npart of life that we must all deal with and come to terms at some point or\nanother.\"  I stood there and closed my\neyes thinking back to two funerals that caused me to fall on my knees in\nheartache, and a third that nearly killed me from heartbreak.  \"There's something's in this life you want to\nforget.  Now if you'll excuse me, I wish\nto be alone for a bit.  Send for me when\nyou hear of when the funeral is going to be held.  I'd like to pay my respects.\"  I stormed off toward my cabin in disgust and\nmy fur on end.  \"Let go of your past.\"  Mr. Thompson called out to me as I walked\ninto my cabin and slammed the door.  I\nwalked to my bed and sat down as I glanced at my chest and knew I needed to\nlook at something to help try and bring a mystery I had been working on to a\nclose.\n                After I\ncleaned up my cuts and scrapes, I made my way downstairs to the kitchen and met\nthe maids and butler.  Once I had met the\nstaff, I was quickly escorted to a dual sink that was covered in pots, pans,\ndishes, trays, and silverware and was ordered to wash, rinse, and dry all items\nbefore I could be free for the rest of the day, but apparently the joke was on\nthem, because in my days of living on the streets, I would often serve in\nkitchens and work for table scraps by washing dishes, and cleaning off\ntables.  I removed my coat and hung it over\na chair and proceeded to fill the sink with water and added some soap to it\nbefore adding any dishes, and I knew to wash the dirtier items first, that way I\ncould leave the easier items to wash last. \nI made quick work of my punishment and made sure every item was cleaned,\nrinsed, and dried off within an hour, and to gain added trust among the staff, I\neven offered to help put the dishes and rest of the items away.  I may have been arrogant at times, but I also\nknew how and when to be humble and I wasn't afraid to spend time in the kitchen\ncleaning dishes and being treated like a commoner, I saw my punishment as a way\nto try and build a friendship with the staff, so I may learn how to cook if I ever\nfound myself on my own again or out in the streets once more.  I was helping one of the cooks gather\ningredients when my aunt walked in and nearly fainted in shock.  \"Alexzander, what on earth do you think you\nare doing?\"  Her fur was on end and eyes\nwide in horror seeing her nephew associate with the help.  \"I'm learning how to cook.\"  I responded and watched as my aunt slowly\nturned around and left the kitchen as if she couldn't believe that her idea of\npunishment had backfired.\n                I proceeded\nto open my chest and removed a tray from the middle of it revealing a hidden\ncompartment that protected a wooden tablet that opened up to reveal a diagram\nshowing the affiliation and chain of command under the King of France's\nwatch.  I took my pencil from its spot in\nthe chest and proceeded to make an X over a picture of the Mayor and Judge of\nLondon.  I examined the diagram and\nlooked at my parent's names that had a question mark beside them.  I had them at the top of England, but there\nwas something that concerned me as I looked back over some notes I had at the\nbottom of the page trying to piece things together and the words of the king of\nEngland haunted me once more \"You are the heir to the thrown of England.\"  I brushed them aside as I felt my anger and\nhatred surface looking at the images of the King and Queen of France.  There was absolutely no bloody chance in Hell\nwas I related to those demonic and wretched individuals.  I closed the diagram up and placed it back in\nits rightful place in the bottom of my chest and flicked my tail thinking about\nthat gut-wrenching and heartbreaking day.\n                A few\ndays after my fight and surprising my aunt with my interest in cooking, my Uncle\nhad received a letter saying his services were requested at a funeral in\nLondon.  I didn't think much about it at\nthe time, but asked my Uncle where the funeral and burial was being held.  He looked at me and flicked his tail as he\nglanced at my Aunt and sighed deeply.  \"It\nis in the same cemetery that your parents are buried in.\"  I gulped and closed my eyes tightly in pain\nas I remember it as the day my heart broke as I was told I was forbidden from\nbeing at my parents' funeral.  The Mayor\nand Judge told me that I was under investigation for their murder and because\nof that, I was forbidden from going.  I\ncried my eyes out that day and night.  I\ndidn't want to eat or drink anything for days I was so heartbroken after\nhearing the news and had it not been for Ray telling me to trust him and Nanny\nwith everything, I would have died from a broken heart.  I stood there for a minute trying to keep my\ncomposure, but was relieved when my Aunt spoke up.  \"If you would like, I'll be happy to show you\nwhere your parents are buried and you can pay your respects to them.\"  I nodded to her fighting back the tears, my\nfather's words still rung in my ears and the jeers and insults I had endured\nfrom other orphans did not help matters either. \"Are you alright Alexzander?\"  My Uncle asked with a concerned look on his face.  \"Yes sir.\" \nI muttered out as my voice cracked from my imminent sadness and\nswallowed deeply.  \"There is no shame in\ncrying lad.\"  I did not know how to\nrespond hearing that.  I had been told\nthat \"only vixens cried\" and laughed at for crying when my parents had passed\naway.  Old feelings began to surface, as I\ntried my best to fight back my tears and sniffled \"Please excuse me.\"  I left the parlor upset and didn't want my\nAunt and Uncle see me cry.\n                I sat\nthere on the edge of my bed thinking back and perked my ears hearing a knock on\nmy door.  \"The funeral will be tomorrow,\nhis family would like him buried at sea.\" \nI stood up and walked over to my desk flicking my tail as I sighed and lowered\nmy head.  \"Who was the poor bastard?\"  I said clearly upset from dealing with my own\nproblems and memories.  \"He was a coyote\none that tried to kidnap you years ago.\" \nI smirked hearing that and smiled weakly, \"He is a fortunate one,\nfortunate enough I spared his life years ago when I returned to England.\"  \"You might have spared his life, but the\ninjuries you caused him, plagued him until his last breath.\"  \"The horrors, the pain, and the torment that\ncy-ote caused me I hope carry with him to the afterlife if there is one.  I let him live so that he may feel the pain\nand horrors I witnessed when I worked under his cruel hand!\"  I was irate at this point; here I was being\nreprimanded for causing an individual pain when I had witnessed atrocities\nunder his hand.  \"Do you want to know\nwhat his last words were, Alexzander Monroe?\" \nMy fur was on end as I flicked my tail. \n\"I could care less what that evil monster said, but I am willing to hear\nthe cries of a dead man.\"  My anger was\nboiling.  \"He asked for forgiveness for\nthe pain he had caused others, he asked that he be remembered as the man he\nbecame after he stopped working at the work house.\"  I stood there fuming and breathing\nheavily.  \"If he wants forgiveness, he\nshould spoke with a priest.  I showed him\nmercy years ago; I refuse to forgive him for what he did to me and other\nchildren.  You were not there when he had\na vixen no older than seven held down and ravaged by three adults.  You were not there when a young child was\nkilled by a machine and he ordered the corpse be tossed into a nearby furnace!  He asked for forgiveness?  I spared his life when I could have easily\npulled the trigger and ended it without second thought, but I wanted him to\nsuffer the rest of his days as punishment for the crimes and atrocities he\ncommitted!\"  I opened the door with a\nfire in my eyes that showed through to my soul, a hatred that knew now limits\nand I brushed past Mr. Thompson roughly as I glared at him.  \"I'm going for a walk, and I wish to be\nalone!\"  He stood there not saying\nanything as I slammed my cabin door behind me and started off towards the cargo\nhold.\n                I went\nto bed that night fighting back tears and pain. \nMy Uncle's words fell on deaf ears as I closed my eyes tightly doing my\nbest to keep from crying even though my eyes were burning and begged me to let\ngo of my pain, my mind and heart could not after the torment and horrors I had\nwitnessed in the last several months.  I\nhad gone from a noble child to an orphan to a criminal to a slave in a work\nhouse.  I had witnessed atrocities no one\nshould have to witness especially a child. \nI was only eight years old and was forced to defend myself from adults\nwho tried to ravage me.  I witnessed\nother boys and girls get attacked in their sleep, and I developed a habit of\nsleeping on the wooden floor of work houses and trained my ears to listen for\nadults enter our sleeping chambers. \nThose habits still manifested themselves in me as I would often snap at\nmaids or other people who tried to check on me while I slept and I would awake\nbaring my sharp teeth and growl menacingly with my ears pinned back and eyes\nnarrowed and fur on end until I had to be calmed down.  I had become an animal, the once bright eyed\nbushy tailed young kit, had lost his smile and boyish nature.  I had become a fox, crafty, witty, and\ndefensive.  I drifted off to sleep only\nto awake screaming out from a nightmare. \n\"NOOOO!\"  \n                I made\nmy way downstairs to the cargo hold and over to my crates.  I walked around them sniffing the air around\nthem picking up on forgotten memories and mysteries.  I passed by one that smelled of perfume and\nflowers and smiled weakly remembering the lost loves of my life and put a paw\nto them as I kissed the outside before moving to another that smelled of\nleather and paper.  It was my personal\nlibrary of important documents and mysteries that had been solved and my own\npersonal mysteries that didn't seem to have an end as I continued my search for\nanswers.  The third crate smelled of\ngunpowder and lead, it was my arsenal of weapons and there was a faint smell of\nsteel, the swords I had collected over the years and sighed deeply as I smelled\nthe bronze and silver of my medals and trophies from cases I had solved and\nhonors I had received located in the forth crate.  I stopped and stared at the fifth box, the\ncoloring of it was darker than the rest, and as I walked by I smelled the formaldehyde\nand blood looking at the scratches on the outside of it as my eyes flashed for\nsecond and a forgotten rhyme entered my head bringing with it a nightmare that I\nthought I put to rest \"Tick Tock, Tick\nTock, counting down till the hour of death...\"  I shook my viciously trying to shake the rhyme\nas I put my paws on the crate and stared at it until I found myself resting my\nhead against and gripped it tightly closing my eyes and felt as if blood was\npainting my paws and opened my eyes seeing that my paws were dry.  I released my grip from the box and walked\ndown the dark hallway to a maintenance area and tucked myself away by some\npipes and brought my knees up to my chest as I rested my head on my arms.  I drifted off to sleep thinking only of\nnightmares of my life wrapping my tail around me. \n                I was\ndripping wet with sweat as I sat up in my bed and looked around nervously\nbreathing heavily as I covered up my head seeing a light in the doorway.  \"Alexzander, are you alright?\"  It was my Aunt Margaret and Uncle Edgar, they\nhad come to check on me.  \"I just had a\nnightmare, I will be fine.\"  Uncle Edgar\nwalked over holding the lamp and saw where the sheets under were torn, I did\nnot realize I had my claws retracted and was tearing the sheets as I held them\nclose to me.  Aunt Margaret walked and\nsat down on the edge bed and leaned down looking me in the eyes and gently\nrested her head against mine.  I couldn't\nhelp but to look into hers and for the first time in a long time, I felt\ncompassion and safe.  \"Tell me what happened\nto you lad.\"  She said as she pulled me\nclose to her and nuzzled me warmly.  I\ntold her everything I had witnessed in the past few months, from my parents\ndeath, to the horrors of the workhouse, and the horrors I had to deal with in\nthe streets.  My Uncle Edgar was shaking\nin anger as his fur stood on end while Aunt Margaret was crying softly holding\nme close trying to comfort me.  I held\nonto my resolve and did my best to keep from crying.  \"Justice will be served nephew, and I will\npromise you that the past few months of nightmares you have witnessed will make\nyou stronger, and under our watch you will become a powerful fox, and those not\nloyal to the crown will face your wrath.\" \nI looked up at my uncle and smiled warmly as he leaned down and gave me\na warm hug wrapping his arm around Aunt Margaret also and rubbed her back\ntrying to comfort her.  After several minutes\nI was given a glass of water and led to their room where the made a small bed\nfor me on a sofa and first the time I could remember I was able to sleep the\nrest of the night.\n                I awoke\nsome time later and glanced around the hallway as I felt myself baring my teeth\nand did not realize I had scratched myself as I saw blood on my arm from where I\nhad extended my claws and dug them into my skin.  I was breathing heavily and felt an evil presence\naround me as I stood up hearing a familiar voice from my past.  \"How\nlong has it been, since we have crossed paths? \nI was afraid you had forgotten about me, but it would appear you still\nneed me around.\"  \"I haven't needed\nyou around for some time now.  I swore to\nmyself I would never call upon you ever again.\" \n\"My, my, it would appear the fox\nhas become tame.\"  I stood there\nlooking around in the shadows as I saw a silver outline of a mask with blood\nred markings on the wall.  \"You can only run so far, until everything\ncomes to light.  We will cross paths\nagain.\"  The mask disappeared as I woke\nup suddenly and stood up hitting my head on a pipe.\n                \"Alexzander,\nit is time to wake up.\"  It was my Uncle\nEdgar and he was smiling warmly to me as he adjusted his coat.  \"We don't have much time; we need to hurry\nbefore we are late for the funeral.\"  I nodded\nto him as I yawned and climbed off the sofa and made my way to the bathroom\nwhere I proceeded to clean myself up and found a black suit waiting for me.  I proceeded to get dressed flicking my tail\nslowly and made my way downstairs yawning and saw my Aunt wearing a black dress\nand veil.  \"You were exhausted last\nnight.\"  She said as she walked over and\ngave me a warm hug and nuzzled me as I let out a small yelp of pleasure finally\nfeeling loved and wanted for a change. \nShe handed me a large blueberry muffin as she led me toward the door as\nmy uncle hurried downstairs grabbing his cane. \nIt was cold and snowing as we climbed into the waiting carriage and\nafter a quiet ride we reached the chapel where the funeral was being held.  My Uncle was a pallbearer and made his way to\nthe front pews of the chapel while my aunt and I sat in back.  After a brief message and several family\nmembers said words of remembrance, the casket was loaded into the Hurst and we\nproceeded to walk to the cemetery following the Hurst and pallbearers.  When we reached the cemetery my aunt led me\nover to a corner of the cemetery and gave me a warm hug, her words sent chills\ndown my spine.  \"I need you to be strong,\nbecause what you are about see is going to be very difficult for anyone and\nthis is going to be your first time seeing your parents grave.\"  I bit my lip fighting back tears as she led\nme over to a tombstone that had been destroyed and I immediately ran over\ncrying out loudly as tears flowed from my eyes and reached for the broken\npieces of granite trying to put them back together.\n                I\npicked myself up from the floor of the hallway and made my way out of the cargo\narea and looked toward the horizon seeing the sunrise and gritted my teeth\nremembering that painful moment and felt tears form in my eyes for the first\ntime in a long time.  Later on that day I\nstood in the back of the gallery where the funeral was being held and propped\nagainst the doorway flicking my tail the priests words didn't help my mood as I\nhad been able to fight off the tears from earlier, but he said something that\nmade me think about my past, and how my mistakes had affected others.  \"This man was the owner of a workhouse and\nwas behind countless unspeakable atrocities, but through the grace of God, his\nsoul was saved by wrath, vengeance, and mercy. \nHe turned his life around and became a helper to those less\nfortunate.  He asked for God's\nforgiveness and asked that he be remembered for his life not as the owner of a\nworkhouse, but as a hero to orphans and father to the fatherless.\"  I stormed out of the doorway and to the back\nof the ship and let out a loud cry of disgust as I looked up to the\nheavens.  \"You took this man's life after\nhe turned his life around, but you still let me live!\"  Tears were flowing from eyes from pain and\ndiscontent.  \"Why do you take the lives\nof the just and let the unjust live?  Why\nmust I shoulder the pain and burden of this life when you have taken everything\nfrom me?  The one thing I constantly ask\nfor, you deny.  I wish for death on a\ndaily basis, but instead of my life you take the lives others that deserve to\nlive!  Why must I live and endure this\npain?  Is this your punishment for me?\"  I had lost it control of everything I gripped\nthe rail feeling my legs get weak and steadied myself as my pain soon turned to\nanger and narrowed my eyes standing tall once more.  \"You're going to have to do more than that,\nto get me to fall to my knees.  I refuse\nto bow and I will not confess, this is your fault not mine!\"  I made my back to my cabin flicking my tail, I\nhad more pride than that and I was not going to allow myself to fall down in\ndefeat...\n"}