{"sf1_id":936489,"sf2_id":null,"title":"The Struggle Challenge: Baumarius","author":"Baumarius","words":1253,"posted_at":"2015-11-22T17:35:00.000Z","tags":["The struggle challenge","vent","writing"],"url":"https://fse.anthro.fr/stories/936489-the-struggle-challenge-baumarius","original_url":"https://sofurry.com/view/936489","image_url":"https://www.sofurryfiles.com/std/thumb?page=936489\u0026ext=.jpg","description":"I was writing to vent a little, and then I came up with this thing. Feel free to make it your own - just leave my name in it or link your submissions back to me. Write between the breaks, so that the intro and ending remain intact, and post the link to the Word document as well: http://www.mediafire.com/view/1adu9aaasfkgcm5/The_Struggle_Challenge.docx\nThe Struggle Challenge (c) Baumarius","content":"Everyone has something that they struggle with.\n\nSome people struggle with depression,\n\nSome with grades and their intelligence,\n\nAnd some even with the things they've done.\n\nBut no matter what, their struggle is valid.\n\nIt doesn't matter how small or big it is.\n\nAll that matters is that it is theirs.\n\nAnd sometimes they need someone to tell them\n\nThat it is valid.\n\nThat they aren't alone.\n\nIt's part of what helps them to get through it.\n\nSo I challenge you today\n\nTo write, as I have done here,\n\nAnd to tell me, fearlessly,\n\nWhat it is that you struggle with.\n\nThe world might not care about it at all,\n\nBut I do. And I believe in you.\n\nYou won't be alone in this,\n\nI promise.\n\nI will write about what hurts me first,\n\nThat way it is easier for you.\n\nThat way you can see that someone before you was brave\n\nSo that you can be brave too.\n\n---\n\nMy struggle is that I am uncomfortable with myself.\n\nNot with _who_ I am, but _what_ I am.\n\nI've known who I am for quite some time,\n\nAnd I love myself for it.\n\nBut I don't know how to feel about what I am.\n\nPut simply, I want to be 'normal.'\n\nAnd I know people are being polite\n\nWhen they say there's no such thing,\n\nBecause there really is.\n\nNormal isn't being from a certain place\n\nOr acting a certain way.\n\nIt doesn't have to do with who you hang out with\n\nOr even what clothes you wear.\n\nTo be normal is to be neurotypical.\n\nTo function how people are supposed to function\n\nWithout the underlying psychological conditions\n\nThat cause their perception of the world\n\nTo be exponentially different.\n\nIt's why the word 'neurotypical' exists.\n\nBy being this way,\n\nThere are billions of people who can relate to you\n\nIn some way or another.\n\nThere's always someone you can turn to\n\nWith any problem you might encounter.\n\nIt's what we all want.\n\nNormal also means to desire friendship\n\nAnd to act a little crazy sometimes;\n\nTo want companions who support you\n\nAnd to be able to 'let go' around them.\n\nI guess in that way, I am normal.\n\nMy desires are similar to the desires of many.\n\nBut that is part of who I am,\n\nNot what I am.\n\nWhat I am is what makes me unique.\n\nIt determines everything\n\nAnd filters down into the way I perceive the world.\n\nSome people are jealous of it.\n\nSome were hurt when I was too proud of it.\n\nAnd some look on with wonder,\n\nUnsure of what to speak.\n\nBut never have I heard one say\n\nThat I am okay.\n\nThat what I do is valid.\n\nThat they understand what it means to be me;\n\nTo know what it's like\n\nNot to be somewhat good at one thing,\n\nNor to be a jack-of-all-trades,\n\nBut to excel at many.\n\nAnd to be able to learn another\n\nIn such a short amount of time\n\nWithout realizing,\n\nFor the longest time,\n\nThat most people don't.\n\nAnd it all just comes naturally.\n\nI want people to understand\n\nHow it feels to be that way,\n\nAnd even more,\n\nWhat comes with it on the side,\n\nBecause being able to do this\n\nDoesn't come without a price.\n\nI want to show people what it looks like\n\nWhen I see the music that pours out of my speakers,\n\nWhen it wraps around my head\n\nAnd touches me.\n\nI want them to know what it feels like\n\nTo be overwhelmed by fire and flashes of light\n\nWhen their anger or pain is too strong,\n\nOr to feel like their brain is getting shocked\n\nWhen they feel too drawn to someone else.\n\nAnd I want them to know how scary it is\n\nTo nearly black out when all of these things\n\nGet too intense.\n\nEven the pleasant ones.\n\nThings start to get even more complex\n\nWhen the sounds I see\n\nAre steamed over with nostalgia,\n\nInflamed with anger,\n\nAcidified with apathy,\n\nOr emptied and adrenalized with a sense of adventure.\n\nIt can all be so intense,\n\nAnd I usually enjoy these experiences,\n\nBut it can be hard to focus on friends\n\nWhen all I want to do is get these things out.\n\nWhen all I want to do is to create something beautiful.\n\nSomething people will care about.\n\nSometimes this overwhelms me for too long\n\nAnd I spend weeks without talking to anyone.\n\nWhen I'm burnt out from this,\n\nMost people have left already.\n\nAnd I feel reluctant to return to people\n\nWho've decided that it was too hard to keep up\n\nWith someone like me.\n\nAnd I feel unsatisfied with it all.\n\nI want to become friends with people\n\nAnd then _stay_ friends with them,\n\nEven though it's really easy for me\n\nTo work so hard\n\nThat I forget that people exist.\n\nAnd I often wonder about whether it is worth it,\n\nBeing _this_ unique,\n\nWhile being naturally averted\n\nTo what keeps normal people together.\n\nBut perhaps it's better for me\n\nNot to focus on that at all.\n\nI can put this aside\n\nAnd let someone else worry about it\n\nUntil I'm in a better place.\n\nBut first, I want to know that it's okay.\n\nThat I'm okay.\n\nThat I am forgiven if I forget you,\n\nAnd that I am not wrong for working so hard.\n\nI don't want to be compared,\n\nBut I don't want to be a stumbling block.\n\nI don't want to be more than normal;\n\nMore than neurotypical,\n\nBut I can't help myself.\n\nBecause I can't change that,\n\nI want to meet someone who understands.\n\nSomeone who knows more than I do,\n\nAnd already knows how it feels.\n\nI just want to know them\n\nAnd know that someone made it.\n\nAnd I want to keep watching for the next person\n\nWho is like me, so that they won't have to endure\n\nWhat I had to.\n\nI don't want them to have to deal with someone\n\nWho ignores what you are\n\nAnd has the gall to tell you that you're like everyone else,\n\nDespite the obvious.\n\nI don't want them to have to deal with 'friends'\n\nWho try to fit them into one of two labels.\n\nA label that they're familiar with;\n\nOne that says that they're normal\n\nAnd safe.\n\nOr a label that keeps them away;\n\nThat tells them that they're _too_ different.\n\nThat they change too much.\n\nIf there's ever a label that they do belong to,\n\nIt's one that tells them\n\nThat they are someone who does things differently,\n\nAnd that _even though they do_,\n\nThey still won't be seen as a freak.\n\nI want to show them that I care for them\n\nEven if nobody else does.\n\nBecause even though everything I do\n\nMakes me feel more machine-like than human,\n\nI still have compassion enough\n\nTo give them something\n\nThat I want for myself.\n\nEven if I never find it.\n\n---\n\nSo I challenge you:\n\nWrite your own struggle between the breaks.\n\nEven if nobody else reads it;\n\nEven if it feels too short or too long,\n\nAt least do it for yourself.\n\nYou need to.\n\nAnd you need to find someone who will still care about you;\n\nWho will tell you, \"Even after all of this,\n\nYou still matter to me. You won't be alone in this.\"\n\nI know you'll find someone who really cares.\n\nIt doesn't matter if it takes a day.\n\nIt doesn't matter if it takes ten years.\n\nYou will.\n\nSo write.\n\n  \n  \n\n"}