{"sf1_id":939485,"sf2_id":"e3QQVpvn","title":"Internals (Poem)","author":"SkyeSouthpaw","words":194,"posted_at":"2015-11-30T20:27:00.000Z","tags":["Desperation","Dysphoria","Female","Hopeful","Poetry","Psychological","Transgender"],"url":"https://fse.anthro.fr/stories/939485-internals-poem","original_url":"https://sofurry.com/s/e3QQVpvn","image_url":"https://cdn.sofurryfiles.com/submissions/thumbnails/4c/e8/4ce87b38-b98f-40a5-937a-ba7e3ce13883","description":"#4 of Standalone Stories and Poems\n\nGoing through... a lot right now. With transitioning, my ex moving out and being transphobic towards me, lack of money, needing my parent's help until I get my job back, but knowing if I tell them or they find out I'll lose all support and never get to see them or my sisters again, and this god-awful, debilitating dysphoria, I needed... I didn't even know what.\nBut that thing is here, right when they're needed. Feeling hopeful for the first time in awhile. Feeling loved for the first time, ever, because its the first time someone loves ME and the love isn't built on lies about who I am.","content":"My mind is a formless cavern\n\nI wander through it, lost, curious\n\nBut through the black, I sense a pattern\n\nAnd the thoughts press outward, furious\n\nStress, anxiety, loathing, trepidation\n\nI look upon the shifting axons, nausea\n\nImages and memories vex me, provocation\n\nOne word at the forefront: dysphoria\n\nI am not who I am that I should be\n\nI feel an emptiness in me, disconnected\n\nLike my innermost soul is a stranger\n\nWhen in the mirror my face I see, inspect it\n\nAnd inside she cries out, freedom, don't change her!\n\nOn the outside of this maestrom conflict\n\nThe waves of dissonant judgments erode me\n\nOther loves in my life turn away, leave it\n\nAnd their toxin words burn at resolve, corroding\n\nThen a light whisks it all away...\n\nThe fury in my conscious disintegrates\n\nIn its place remains the quietest calm\n\nAnd as I feel the anxious sate, disseminate\n\nI wonder at how this strength has fallen on\n\nThen I feel them, not uncertain, confident\n\nArms wrapped closely, keeping me fighting\n\nI let their warmth wash over, then hesitent\n\nBegin the battle, resolve return, softly inciting:\n\n\"I'll give you love back doubly...\"\n\n  \n  \n\n","series":{"name":"Standalone Stories and Poems","previous":"https://fse.anthro.fr/stories/938839-shifting-shadows-a-character-study-odd-perspective.json","next":"https://fse.anthro.fr/stories/948035-an-alaskan-forest-adventure-christmas-gift-piece-2015.json"}}