{"sf1_id":null,"sf2_id":"nLrrgoxe","title":"The Random Kobold","author":"danath","words":828,"posted_at":"2026-03-24T03:57:47.000Z","tags":["dungeons and dragons","kobold","poem"],"url":"https://fse.anthro.fr/stories/nLrrgoxe-the-random-kobold","original_url":"https://sofurry.com/s/nLrrgoxe","image_url":"https://cdn.sofurryfiles.com/submissions/thumbnails/10/74/1074d591-6356-482d-909f-cb26aaade390","description":"A poem about a kobold","content":"The Random Kobold  \nBy Danath  \n  \n  \nOur kobold helps us level up more  \nHis thinking, though, is down through the floor  \nHe’s dumb as a rock and just as smart  \nBut he’s perfect when it comes to the unconventional arts  \nLike distracting the enemies or checking for traps  \nOr acting all cute to distract a mark from his shack  \nHe had the voice and the looks to seize all our hearts  \nIt happened when the party was but level three  \nWhen he happened by, no more than a random NPC  \nHe spoke with a tone that was high and peculiar  \nAnd made funny jokes in response to what we were  \nPlotting and scheming and trying to do  \nWe begged immediate backstory  \nAnd so subsequently we demanded he join the party   \nA kobold with such terrible stats  \nShould make the impact of a few gnats  \nBut whenever the DM rolls for the ‘bold  \nHe can’t hide all the nat 20 strikes and a whole lotta gold  \nThis relative recluse and clueless   \nLiz dude with the bug eyes and headdress  \nOf a backwater bijou so cute  \nGot the luckiest rolls that the DM could never dispute  \nThe DM even changed out dice  \nBut from warlocks to banshees to dragons  \nAt one time run over by wagons  \nAnd even vampires and multi-eyed monsters - he lived!  \nThen one day  \nIt happened  \nA monster got the jump and targeted  \nThe dear kobold cutie among us  \nWe panicked and checked all the rules  \nDespite our efforts, no magic helped from any school  \nWe were left to wail and gnash our teeth  \nAnd with poor die rolls to cry and seethe  \nOur favorite kobold NPC  \nWas buried at long last - a permanent graveyard inductee  \n“Buy why!?” we asked our DM now  \n“Why did you do this to us and how?  \n“The kobold, now deceased, was no threat  \n“Please say why you have subjected us to this bloody vignette?”  \nThe dungeon master shook his head and  \nRaised one arm to salute with his hand  \nHis face was solemn with regret  \n“I did it,” he said, “for reasons that I shall not reveal yet.”  \n  \n  \nThought we got over the loss alright  \nWe could never feel that it was right  \nBut the final battle soon arrived  \nAnd with dawning horror we understood the DM contrived  \nTo reimagine the BBEG at the story’s end  \nHe replaced him with what was once our dearest friend  \nOur kobold buddy was now reborn  \nAtop an army of bug-eyed lizards adorned  \nFor war and swarming with cannon crews  \nJust some little guys drawing bows and letting loose  \nOur friend then spoke, and what he said  \nRattled round and round our heads  \nIn a voice that was deep and quite un-kobold-y  \nHe pronounced the purpose of his revolutionaries  \n“Down with the kingdom, is what we’ve sworn  \nTo overthrow the kingdom’s scorn  \nAnd burn it to the ground”  \nHe continued, ranting, on and on, about the deeds long done  \nAnd how a father must be avenged by a son  \nIt was all quite dramatic and tense and spooky  \nAn exposition of length - a kobold kabuki  \nCertain doom was coming for the kingdom  \nWhich had so gainfully employed us  \nAnd drenched us in rewards  \nBut even so…  \nIn desperation we decided  \nTo abandon our wanton violence  \nDespite his new deep voice  \nWe took the path of pacifism  \nThe goals of the ‘bolds were more aligned with our own  \nAnd helping our dearest liz buddy align  \nHis slightly now eensy bit more psychotic mind  \nMeant we could prevent not only a war  \nBut recall to our party with new headdress adorned  \nThe cute little liz dude with the bulging bug eyes  \nAnd an army of fun guys of similar size  \n“My twist has been ruined,” said the DM with grace  \n“The puzzles and intrigue and castles ablaze  \n“The dungeon and mazes and spiders and graves  \n“The travels and resting and poisonous haze  \n“Couldn’t stop the kobold from reclaiming his place”  \nWe all smiled and cheered because we’d clear overcome  \nThe DM’s deceit and retrieved our dear chum  \nHis die rolls were godly and useful as ever  \nHis tiny liz brain made him awfully clever  \nEspecially once he was crowned as the emperor  \nThe lesson we learned at the end of this all  \nWas never give up! Give it your all!  \nAbove all when kobolds are involved  \nThe party will find a way to make unsolvable things solved  \n  \n  \n“Did you know?” asked the DM quite some time later  \n“The real reason I killed off the kobold forever?”  \n“Why? Why would you do such a thing?” we all asked  \n“Do you dislike kobolds? Or kobold-phobia, perchance?”  \n“Not one of those options, and none you may think,”  \nSaid the DM after taking a long and cold drink  \n“The kobold is fine and fun to roleplay  \n“Watching you all really makes my day  \n“The reason I killed him off was on a technicality  \n“Doing the voice was killing me.”","series":{"name":"Poems for Furries","previous":"https://fse.anthro.fr/stories/nDL2Og6n-pretty-furry-for-a-furry-guy.json"}}