# The Random Kobold

Author: danath
Tags: dungeons and dragons, kobold, poem

A poem about a kobold

The Random Kobold  
By Danath  
  
  
Our kobold helps us level up more  
His thinking, though, is down through the floor  
He’s dumb as a rock and just as smart  
But he’s perfect when it comes to the unconventional arts  
Like distracting the enemies or checking for traps  
Or acting all cute to distract a mark from his shack  
He had the voice and the looks to seize all our hearts  
It happened when the party was but level three  
When he happened by, no more than a random NPC  
He spoke with a tone that was high and peculiar  
And made funny jokes in response to what we were  
Plotting and scheming and trying to do  
We begged immediate backstory  
And so subsequently we demanded he join the party   
A kobold with such terrible stats  
Should make the impact of a few gnats  
But whenever the DM rolls for the ‘bold  
He can’t hide all the nat 20 strikes and a whole lotta gold  
This relative recluse and clueless   
Liz dude with the bug eyes and headdress  
Of a backwater bijou so cute  
Got the luckiest rolls that the DM could never dispute  
The DM even changed out dice  
But from warlocks to banshees to dragons  
At one time run over by wagons  
And even vampires and multi-eyed monsters - he lived!  
Then one day  
It happened  
A monster got the jump and targeted  
The dear kobold cutie among us  
We panicked and checked all the rules  
Despite our efforts, no magic helped from any school  
We were left to wail and gnash our teeth  
And with poor die rolls to cry and seethe  
Our favorite kobold NPC  
Was buried at long last - a permanent graveyard inductee  
“Buy why!?” we asked our DM now  
“Why did you do this to us and how?  
“The kobold, now deceased, was no threat  
“Please say why you have subjected us to this bloody vignette?”  
The dungeon master shook his head and  
Raised one arm to salute with his hand  
His face was solemn with regret  
“I did it,” he said, “for reasons that I shall not reveal yet.”  
  
  
Thought we got over the loss alright  
We could never feel that it was right  
But the final battle soon arrived  
And with dawning horror we understood the DM contrived  
To reimagine the BBEG at the story’s end  
He replaced him with what was once our dearest friend  
Our kobold buddy was now reborn  
Atop an army of bug-eyed lizards adorned  
For war and swarming with cannon crews  
Just some little guys drawing bows and letting loose  
Our friend then spoke, and what he said  
Rattled round and round our heads  
In a voice that was deep and quite un-kobold-y  
He pronounced the purpose of his revolutionaries  
“Down with the kingdom, is what we’ve sworn  
To overthrow the kingdom’s scorn  
And burn it to the ground”  
He continued, ranting, on and on, about the deeds long done  
And how a father must be avenged by a son  
It was all quite dramatic and tense and spooky  
An exposition of length - a kobold kabuki  
Certain doom was coming for the kingdom  
Which had so gainfully employed us  
And drenched us in rewards  
But even so…  
In desperation we decided  
To abandon our wanton violence  
Despite his new deep voice  
We took the path of pacifism  
The goals of the ‘bolds were more aligned with our own  
And helping our dearest liz buddy align  
His slightly now eensy bit more psychotic mind  
Meant we could prevent not only a war  
But recall to our party with new headdress adorned  
The cute little liz dude with the bulging bug eyes  
And an army of fun guys of similar size  
“My twist has been ruined,” said the DM with grace  
“The puzzles and intrigue and castles ablaze  
“The dungeon and mazes and spiders and graves  
“The travels and resting and poisonous haze  
“Couldn’t stop the kobold from reclaiming his place”  
We all smiled and cheered because we’d clear overcome  
The DM’s deceit and retrieved our dear chum  
His die rolls were godly and useful as ever  
His tiny liz brain made him awfully clever  
Especially once he was crowned as the emperor  
The lesson we learned at the end of this all  
Was never give up! Give it your all!  
Above all when kobolds are involved  
The party will find a way to make unsolvable things solved  
  
  
“Did you know?” asked the DM quite some time later  
“The real reason I killed off the kobold forever?”  
“Why? Why would you do such a thing?” we all asked  
“Do you dislike kobolds? Or kobold-phobia, perchance?”  
“Not one of those options, and none you may think,”  
Said the DM after taking a long and cold drink  
“The kobold is fine and fun to roleplay  
“Watching you all really makes my day  
“The reason I killed him off was on a technicality  
“Doing the voice was killing me.”

Source: https://sofurry.com/s/nLrrgoxe
Part of the series Poems for Furries
Previous: https://fse.anthro.fr/stories/nDL2Og6n-pretty-furry-for-a-furry-guy.md