Slice of Lex: (Side) Slice of Depression
#15 of A Slice Of Lexi
I had started off writing a small side about Christine's parents meeting James, and that one is still in the works. This though, took more precedent to me last night.
Trigger warning: Self inflicted injury
I had an odd mix of feelings about this one. Um, not to get to personal, but this relates to somethings I have struggled with, and things that others I've known have struggled with. Victoria's concern also touched me, and I figured this chapter was worth writing. It took some doing for me to convince myself to publish it. As they discussed, it's her way of giving the pain an actual source and manifesting it in a way that her mind can actually process. The canonical value of this chapter will be debated later, as with Slice of Vic, yet I feel like this one has a place here too.
Victoria's habit started after high school, she blamed herself for what had happened. With her, it had been Elizabeth finding her out and helping her through it.
Lexi's habit started not long after she turned fourteen. Victoria who had been clean a year by the time she had started dating the wolf, recognized the warning signs.
As Victoria said though, she would never leave Lexi over such a thing, yet it does hurt her to watch her suffer.
Slice of Lex: (Side) Slice of Depression
By: Jenny Harlow
Lexi woke up, not for any particular reason other than her body just kicked itself awake. She lay awake, on her back staring up at the dark ceiling above. Today had been so surreal, her mind just couldn't seem to bend around it. All she knew, was that at the back of her mind there was a nagging guilt. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn't get her own voice to shut up. You CAUSED this! She NEEDED you! You let her DOWN! No matter how many times she heard the foxes repeating their comfort, the yelling was drowning it out more and more. The moment she broke was the moment that I should be there instead of her, came to mind. She sat up in the bed, sighing quietly. What do you do when you're too in pain to cry. She thought. She looked over at her tool box in the darkness, just able to see the silver letters in the moonlight streaming through the windows. She nudged the sleeping vixen gently. "Vic, I've gotta pee babe."
Victoria mumbled slightly, pulling her legs up a little so that the wolf could crawl off the bed. Somewhere in the room Victoria was only slightly aware of a zipper opening across the room, Victoria dismissed it as Lexi getting something from her duffle bag. Yet, something told her to get up. She sat up, wondering why her stomach was feeling knotted with worry. Maybe she just got her DS out of her bag. She quietly flipped the little reading light on, as the light in the bathroom came on. Her DS was sitting right behind her on the headboard. The inexplicable feeling became more tangible as the fox swallowed. She turned her eyes over towards Lexi's bags, the duffel bag was still zipped, however her tool bag was open. With a quiet sigh, she moved slowly across the room, trying to avoid giving the wolf any sign she was awake and out of bed. She held the little light over the bag, the wolf's X-Acto knife was missing. Victoria bit her lower lip as she turned towards the bathroom door. She knocked, and there was an audible jump on the other side, followed by the clacking of metal hitting tile. Victoria's head drooped as she leaned against the door frame. "Lex, let me in." She said, she knew what the wolf was about to do and it hurt her deeply.
"Honestly Victoria, I'm just using the bathroom, can't you wait? Do you need to take a shower or something? Or can you just not get enough of me naked?" The wolf said, her thoughts sounding scattered as she attempted to laugh.
"Lex, open the door and give me the knife." She said, trying to keep her voice soft and level.
"What knife?" Lex said, sounding offended.
"I heard it hit the floor, now open the door and give it to me, or I'll take the knob off and come in anyway." Victoria placed her head on the door, her eyes focused on where she knew the wolf was sitting. "Please, just give it to me, don't do this to yourself, not again."
"That was my glasses hitting the floor, they fell of my nose when you knocked." The wolf said, her voice shook slightly.
"Your glasses are on the headboard of my bed. If you're going to lie about it, at least do it convincingly." At this point Victoria was seething. She turned to her desk and opened one of the drawers, removing the small drill and a screw bit. She plugged it in and tightened the bit inside. "Now this is absolutely your last chance. Open the door, give me the knife, or I'm coming in to get it." Victoria said, she gave the drill a small turn to emphasize her point.
There was an audible sigh and the door cracked open. "If you insist on being in here, I can't stop you. Truth being though, I don't see how you can stop me either."
Victoria took her up on the challenge. She slipped in and closed the door, sitting down on the counter. :You're right, I can't stop you. If you insist on doing it, I'm going to sit right here and watch to make sure you take care of yourself afterwards. I'm not letting you out of here until you shower and wash the area thoroughly until I'm satisfied it's clean, until you've put an antibiotic ointment on it, and bandaged it properly." The vixen said, folding her arms, letting her eyes lock onto the point of the knife.
Lexi's breath and hand shook, she wanted to do it so badly, she felt she deserved it, worse she felt like she needed it. Sweat began to drop openly down her face as the two ladies sat locked in a silent stalemate. Eventually Lex turned to her mate. "Please, just leave." She said, she wasn't crying this wasn't the time for tears.
"Sweetie, in this scenario only ONE of us has the ability to make anyone leave and it isn't YOU." The fox said, letting her temper get the better of her.
Lexi suddenly looked stung, her face shifting from pained rage to fear. "You wouldn't do that to me, would you? I need you Victoria." Lexi said, her head dropping so that she broke eye-contact with the vixen.
"I love you, and I'm here for you. If this is what you need right now so be it, I won't judge. I've been there too remember?" That was when Victoria got an idea, a final trump to try and stay the wolf's hand. She grabbed a pair of scissors from the cabinet and rested the open blade on her thigh, similar to where her girlfriend had her own blade. "I'll tell you what, it would make me feel better to know you weren't doing this alone." The fox said, she looked down at the open blade and felt stirrings from her own past. "I'll match you mark for mark until we both kick this habit again." She said, giving a joyless smile. "That way neither of us are dealing with it alone."
"Vick, you've been clean for four years... I can't ask you to hurt yourself for me."
"You fucking IDIOT!" Victoria screamed, losing all control at this point. "You're really selfish enough to believe I'd do it for you? No, I'm doing it for us, for me. I had to deal with my own issues for so long, and I helped you through yours when we started dating." Victoria shook her head, "You don't want me to hurt MYSELF, yet you're content to do it anyway. I love you, and seeing you in pain, especially like this hurts me so deeply that I can't put it into words."Victoria threw the scissors across the room, where they broke apart. "You're right, I shouldn't do this, you're doing it for me." She looked down, there was a small crimson bubble forming on the wolf's leg, and an expression of absolute shock on her face.
"I swear, I didn't mean... When you threw the scissors I just... I jumped it was an accident." Lexi now felt tears coming. "Oh God what did I do?" She said, turning to the fox who was now crying herself.
"What did I do?" Victoria said, hopping off from the counter, she knelt down next to her girlfriend, looking at the small wound where the knife had stabbed her. "I'm sorry I startled you, this is my fault. You were so close to stopping and I ruined it."
Victoria held true on her promise, she made Lex shower and wash the area thoroughly with shampoo, washing and rinsing it twice. She then grabbed a small gauze pad and pressed it to the injury, holding it until the blood stopped coming from it. She held Lex's hand as she hissed in pain, carefully holding the pad with the other. Finally she put a drop of ointment on a bandage and pressed it around the cut.
The two girls sat on the bathroom floor for a while, at a loss for words. Until tonight, Lexi had been clean for almost three years and now it was back to square one. "It's odd." Lexi finally said, breaking the silence. "When you're depressed, and there's so much pain on your mind, your brain can't deal with it. Yet, when you introduce physical, tangible pain, it suddenly knows how to cope with it." She said, pressing gently on the bandage. The pain was a clean burning, and it drew a hiss from her.
"I know, it's like a drug addiction. Will you be okay?" The fox said, leaning back on the tile staring at the wolf's legs. Victoria stood up, pulling the wolf to her feet. "I think we need to make an appointment, both of us, with Charlie." She said, letting the wolf lean on her as they walked back to the bed. Lexi had spent what little energy she had left in pure grief, and self loathing.
Lexi lay back in the bed, her eyes on the ceiling again. "You're not going to tell anyone about this, are you? Not my brother, not my mom, anyone?" She said, afraid to lock eyes with the vixen.
Victoria sighed, taking the wolf's hand and wrapping her fingers through it. "No Lexi, I won't tell anyone if you don't want me to. Just promise me you won't lie to me again, if this happens, let me know, let me make sure you're taken care of. I know it can get out of control better than most people in this family or yours. Just promise me that, alright?" She said, placing her face against the side of her wolf's.
"Okay Vic, I promise you. I... I'm sorry I let it get the better of me. Just do me a favor, promise you'll never leave me? I don't know how I'd function without you."
The fox nuzzled the wolf's cheek. "I promise. I was planning on spending forever with you, remember?"
The wolf smiled. There wasn't much more need for talking. She was quite happy to know that Victoria was there beside her. Neither slept immediately. Both lie awake in the dark, holding hands and enjoying just a moment of intimate bliss in sea of depression. Lexi shifted, resting her head on the fox's chest, just listening to the steady beat of her heart, and the soft, slow, steady breaths. She fell asleep her mind filled with nothing more than images of her future with the vixen. Victoria didn't move, except to crane her neck down slightly, and kiss the wolf's head. She fell asleep, still comfortable even with the head rested on her body.