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Artificial Interrobang

- For Wrincewind

Inspector Hareen walked into the empty room. It was mind-bogglingly large - the far wall was misted a faint blueish-white just by the sheer distance it was at. The floor, walls, ceiling - it was all dull, matte grey metal, criss-crossed with lines of silver. He knew that every square nanometre has thousands of tiny transistors, resistors, repulsors, emitters....

It was a room designed for the reviewing of great space-borne conflicts, of mysteries and crimes that spanned kilometres in scale.

This particular case might not have warranted the scale. However, with how high-profile it was....

The inspector pulled out the small pad, and gingerly pressed a button on the screen it contained. The entire device was illuminated in its own blue glow for just a moment. Around him, a deep hum began to rise, and a number of definite, loud clangs....

And the bridge of the spaceship materialised around him.

It was a hologram, perfect down to a hundredth of an angstrom, and - to most conventional species - indistinguishable to real life without scientific instruments.

Lights flared, the pure-white metal gleaming, the front view screen glinting and displaying the standard start-up message for a vessel of this class. Everywhere was dust-free, untouched, unblemished by even the smallest sign of habitation. They hadn't even taken the plastic wrapping off the seats.

Inspector Hareen looked down at the pad. A message scrolled across the top.

SECURITY LOG

L.N. 1138ZZ9U+0394V

Class: SecuDrone™ Holographic Recording

Notes: Recovered from backup databanks of Utopia Galactica Shipyards

Timecode G6.843.95?

Duration: 11:03

He pressed play.

* * *

"You're not trying to get through the door, are you?"

The mechanical voice echoed around the empty bridge from hidden speakers. Nothing else happened for a moment, save for the main viewscreen still blinking its start-up message.

"Oh, goodness. You're trying to get through it with a plasma torch?"

Again, silence followed. It had been a distant-sounding voice, almost omnipotent in timbre. Then again, they'd never quite managed to get the Shipyard's A.I. to sound truly life-like.

"You can't truly believe that it's really going to wo-"

The bridge doors slid open with a smooth hiss.

A figure strolled through the opening, twirling a small rod in one hand. The purple fire at the end winked out and he slipped it back into his pocket.

"...Well. That's just a tad rude, I'd have thought." The Shipyard said gruffly as the doors hissed closed again.

"If it's so distasteful to you," the figure said, offhand, "just remember that I _could_have opened up a subspace fissure between the doors. That would have cleared a path, as they say, with extreme prejudice."

The figure wasn't astoundingly imposing, clocking in at about five and a half feet in height, surveying the bridge before him. He was standing with legs apart, hands stuffed into the pockets of his long, flowing lab coat, in that classic stance of someone who not only wants it to be known he's taking in a sight but rather enjoying it too.

He was a rat. White fur, red eyes, pink, pointed ears, with a set of black goggles strapped across his forehead. He grinned at the technology that lay before him.

"At that point, I probably would have opened the doors for you." The Shipyard replied. "Though I shouldn't have to point out that I don't approve of you doing this. I just don't want one of my ships damaged needlessly. Oh, by the way, my security guards will be here in eighty seconds. Good luck getting away."

"You're pretty snarky for a Shipyard A.I., aren't you?" The rat replied, wandering casually down the ramp, around the chairs the bridge crew would normally sit on. Stations flashed in a variety of colours, all displaying their own personal standby messages. "By the way, not very good for you to leave all the lights on around here. Do you want to accelerate the heat death of the universe or something?"

"I turned them on for you, in fact." The Utopia Galactica Shipyard's A.I. responded tersely.

"I thought you were trying to stop me." Said the rat, frowning up at the ceiling of the ship.

"After what you did to my tertiary airlock on Digamma Deck, I was rather worried you might try making your own light. Sixty seconds, by the way."

"Fair point." The rat said, his eyes already focused on a large machine to the side of the bridge. He wandered over to it, hands still in pockets, and leaned a bit closer. The machine was built into the deck both above and below, and consisted of a raised platform containing a network of what looked like 1980s LEDs. Clearly, it was something to do with advanced holographic technology. "What's this?"

"Oh, typical. I stop you from turning the bridge of one of my ships into the Antares Travelling Antimatter Circus, and now apparently I'm supposed to be Mr. Helpful. Fifty seconds."

"It looks like it's linked into the ship's main systems. I doubt a bridge crew has use for much holographic entertainment, so..." The rat paused and groaned, putting a hand to his head. "Oh goodness, really? Another A.I.?"

"The_Beliskner_-class Cruiser is the first to feature full A.I. integration to all its systems. This ship is the prototype for that particular functionality. It's my pride and joy, I'll have you know, and-"

There was a pause, and a little mechanical chattering before the Shipyard spoke again..

"And why are you even here if you don't know that? Good heavens, it's not like there's much else here worth stealing. That's all this ship has that's unique. This isn't even the nicest ship in the shipyards. The _Pegasus Ascendent_is docked at the next hangar, and the security is _far_less on that thing. Twice as easy to hotwire, too. Forty seconds."

The rat was already at a console next to the holographic pad. He was looking over the screens and tapping at a few of the options. "None of your business."

"Oh, but you expect _me_to be helpful. Be glad you turned off my weapon systems."

"Yes, on that note, could you possibly disable your sassiness subroutine? It's getting a little irksome." He pulled out a long, silver device, which had a small ring at one end containing a small red cone. He waved it over the console in front of him.

"You really are the most ungrateful thief I've seen. Forty secon-wait..."

There was a pause. The rat smirked a little. The Shipyard spoke up again a few seconds later.

"How in the _galaxy_did you manage that?"

"Is there something wrong?"

"You blooming well know what's wrong! My security guards!"

"Hey, I had to stop them somehow, they'd make my day a bit more complicated otherwise."

"You trapped them in time._I don't even know how that's _possible."

"I'd tell you how, but I doubt you have the computational resources to understand. Also, it's fun."

"I just can't believe this. Not only are you so rude to come in here and try and steal a ship, you-"

"Oh, don't get your wiring in a knot, they'll be free in about five days. Our time, that is. It'll be about two seconds for them. Make sure to give them a bit of saltwater when they wake up, by the way."

There was a bit more mechanical chattering. It sounded a bit like tickertape.

"I don't have wiring." The Shipyard grumbled, in a slightly offended tone. "I have bio-neural gel, thank you..."

"And I'm not stealing the ship." The rat continued, unabated. "I'm just checking out this system. Now, another flick here, and..."

There was a beep and a whir from beneath the pad. The console displayed a message.

Please enter desired physical parameters.

"Oh? This looks like a thing." He paused for a minute, before shuffling about in his lab coat, and producing a small object. It was black, no larger than his thumb, and had a rectangular male port on one end. "Hm, I thought I'd get a use out of this some day..."

"What's that?" The Shipyard asked. It sounded distinctly annoyed at this point.

"Physical parameters." He replied with a smirk, and plugged it into a similar female port that he'd found on the side of the console.

The machine whirred and clicked, and the sound of fans spinning up emanated from somewhere under the floorboard. The rat stood back, slipping his hands into his pockets, and watched.

On the pad, blue light gleamed for a moment, before the shape of a four-legged creature materialised from thin air. It was canine, with pristine, long white fur all over it, apart from across his underside and a few markings on the head and tail where it was black instead. Overall, it seemed similar to a standard wolf, but it sported some decidedly significant differences. For example, a long, yellow lock of hair tumbled down from its head, and attached to both sides of its body were two cylindrical metal objects, white striped with black, that rested on the ground. They looked suspiciously like old-fashioned chemical booster engines.

Its fur shone and waved in the light of the bridge as the form opened two gold eyes, blinked, and looked around.

"Systems online." It said in a similarly mechanical voice as the Shipyard's. "Main user interface coming online. Checking for updates."

"Oh, this is just beautiful!" The rat said, walking to the front. "Goodness, look at it! That quality. No aliasing, no tearing... what a hologram, eh? Not like that crap that SecuDrone pumps out."

"The company that owns me rather enjoys the patronage of SecuDrone Industries, I'll have you know." the Shipyard respond sharply.

"Yes, so it's a shame to have a wonderful guy like this stuck here!" The rat responded, leaning down to inspect at the hologram before him. The wolf frowned, blinking at him and rearing back a bit.

"I am the A.I. for this _Beliskner-_class vessel. I am currently moored under regulation A113 point 8 of the Interstellar Naval Code."

"Ah, my apologies." The rat said, straightening up and extending a hand. "I'm Wrincewind. Pleased to meet you."

The wolf looked down at his hand, then back up. "Please state the nature of the computational request."

Wrincewind was silent for a moment, then looked up. "Hey! Utopia!"

"What is it now?" Replied the Shipyard with more than an edge of annoyance in its voice.

"I saw the computer core for this ship on the console. It should be able to support a fully-functioning intelligence, enough to be considered sapient, let alone sentient. What's all this Search Engine stuff?"

The Shipyard sighed metallically. "Look, this system's a prototype. The engineers didn't want to introduce a new life form on their pride and joy, so they installed an information inhibitor into its systems. It creates a user interface onto it that's usable by the crew, which allows them all the information they need to work the ship while removing the possibility of individual thinking by the ship itself. Look, I don't like the idea much either, but it's my job. Anyway, what can you do?"

Wrincewind stared at the wolf. It watched him, impassively.

"I shouldn't have said that, should I?" The Shipyard added after a moment.

Wrincewind smiled. "Ship. What's your name?"

The wolf responded quickly. "This is the Beliskner-class vessel ICA X303."

Wrincewind gave a skeptical hum. "Yeah. We've got to change the name." He smiked. "I've got one. How about Delta Victorious?"

"I do not believe you have the permissions to change my name," The wolf replied.

"Deevee for short. Now, tell me. Where is the manual access to your computer core?"

"The Primary Access for all manual operations is on Deck C Section 21."

"You can't seriously be thinking about stealing the X303's A.I., are you?" The Shipyard asked.

"Well, no." Wrincewind said, already pocketing one of his devices and sauntering towards the doors at the back of the bridge again. "Not just the A.I. That would be too complicated. I'll just take the whole ship."

"Well!" The Shipyard said huffily. "If that doesn't just take the cake, the plate, and the table it was sitting on!"

"Oh, and that reminds me..." Wrincewind said, just as he reached the doors. He turned back to the wolf, still standing impassively on its holographic pad. "Hey, Deevee. Where are your teleporters?"

"Teleporters are located on Deck B Section 6, Deck D Section 13, and Deck G Section 41."

"Great. Utopia, you're one of the Grell-type A.I.'s, right? The ones with the self-contained core less than thirty metres cubed in volume?"

"Listen here, you little..."

"Then it looks like I'll be stealing a ship after all. Be right back!" Wrincewind said, and with a flourish of his lab coat, walked off the bridge.

For a while, the A.I. was silent and still, save for a few flicks of its tail, or twitches of the ear that its systems deemed to be realistic enough to animate. Then, the image flickered, static briefly crackling over it like an old television screen, before settling back to how it was before.

The wolf looked down. Then, he looked up. Then he took each of his front paws in turn and raised them, inspecting them. One of the stations on the bridge had turned itself on, and at each action the wolf made, diagnostic windows opened showing the state of various ships systems.

Eventually, there was a knock on the doors to the bridge. The wolf looked over at them, and one of his ears flicked. The doors opened, revealing the rat, as pristine and unruffled as ever.

"Thank you." Wrincewind replied, strolling through and down the ramp, arms clasped behind his back. "How are you feeling?"

The wolf cocked its head at him, and leaned closer. "Wow. What are you?" He said, tail wagging slowly. There were a few distant, muffled bangs from the ship's stern.

Wrincewind smiled. "Someone wanting to get you out of here. I think that might be the most important thing right now, eh, Deevee?"

"Is that my name now?" The wolf said, giving an intense grin.

"Sure, if ya like it."

"I love it!" The wolf said, and shook his mane. On the main viewscreen, a message flashed up: 'Ship registration successfully changed'.

Wrincewind gave a smile, looking towards the viewscreen. "Show me what's in front of you, please."

"Alright!" Deevee replied. The message faded away, and was replaced by a view out from the bridge.

Around the edges of the screen were the clean, white, metal moorings of the Utopia Galactica Shipyards. To their right, an arm of the yards extended outwards, showing a host of different ships in several stages of construction.

And beyond them, the stars gleamed. Around those points of light swirled tendrils of a great nebula that filled the sky, browns and reds picked out by reflections from a nearby sun. It glowed invitingly.

The galaxy awaited them.

"Um... Wrincewind?"

"Yes?" The rat replied asked, finally turning his head from the sight.

"There's a computer core on Deck E that's rather angry at you." Deevee said worriedly. He picked up a front paw, curling it under himself. "He's giving me a bit of an upset cargo hold."

Wrincewind smirked. "Oh, don't worry about him. We'll sort him out in time."

"Oh. Okay!" Deevee replied.

Wrincewind turned, walking back towards the centre of the bridge. The Captain's chair was large, soft, and raised up slightly to survey everything at once. Above, a series of panels and screens displayed readouts of the rest of the Delta Victorious' systems.

It was a big grandiose, he thought.

Oh... go on.

"Hey, what are these things? They look fun..." Deevee said, as Wrincewind pulled off the plastic wrapping. The ship began to rumble ominously. He turned, watching Deevee twisting back to try and investigate the boosters strapped to his side.

"They are." Wrincewind said, and looked out at the shipyards again. Two black shapes, flashing blue lights, were moving - and getting bigger as they sped towards the ship. "Hey, Deevee, want to have some fun?"

"Do I get to use these things?"

"First things you'll ever use." Wrincewind replied. "I believe you can go to Hyperspace with them, right?"

"Yep!"

"Good." The rat turned, smiled, and sat down on the chair. Screens descended, surrounding him. He grinned.

"Alright, Deevee. Get ready with Hyperspace."

"Can do! Er... apparently, I should say that the mooring cables are still attached." He replied, looking a bit confused and sheepish.

"I know. Oh! Almost forgot. Can you shut down all your security cameras and cut their feed?"

"I certainly can... okay, they're in the process of shutting down now."

The surroundings started to crackle, pixelate, and fade. Wrincewind's voice was heard above the crackling.

"I've always wanted to say this... Deevee. Make i-"

And everything disappeared.

* * *

Inspector Hareen stood in the middle of the once again empty Hologram Room. The pad flashed a message.

Note: Transmission was cut at this point. No further telemetry was received from the ICA X303.

He nodded and turned, the echo of his boots on that ground loud in the empty air. The large doors hummed open in front of him, and he walked out of the large room.

It was a short walk to the viewing area of the security ship. Thick, hardened transparent armour plating covered one whole wall, giving unparalleled views out into space.

Inspector Hareen stopped in the middle of the deck plates, and looked out at what remained of the Utopia Galactica Shipyards.

It was mostly intact, which was probably the best thing that could be said about it. No major structural integrity failures, and the first and third docking arms were untouched.

The second docking arm, however, was not. It had almost been cut clean through in one particular section, where a roughly spherical area seemed to have been carved out of the yards themselves. Around it, the metal wasn't even blackened - it just stopped, as if the section beyond it had never existed in the first place.

In front of the arm was the large form of the Pegasus Ascendent, a shining vision of engineering and ship design - sleek profile, iridium-fed engines, with chrome highlights accentuating the powerful form. A true ship, for a new, great era.

It drifted, unpowered, unmanned. As the inspector watched, it turned slowly under its own momentum, showing a teardrop-shaped scar along its outer hull. Occasionally, it bumped into what remained of its own port nacelle, sending the spaghettified bits of debris spinning away.

Inspector Hareen sighed, and finally settled on his first words of the day.

"Well... Damn."