Ander - Part 6: Subchapter 96
96
Ander did not know how long he stared at that hand. In reality, it couldn't have been more than a second, but to him, it lasted far longer.
Those long, sharp claws. The thin, emaciated fingers. The bony knuckles. How many times had he taken that hand? How many times had he led her through the village by that hand?
He almost didn't want to dig any further. Visions of death danced before his eyes: a silent scream filled with snow, eyes wide open, just as white and dead as the frost.
Empty One.
Ander plunged his numb, burning fingers into the snow and scraped it away as fast as he could, uncovering more and more.
Beneath the charm of delicate rabbit bones was a loop of talons from various owls. Beneath the talons was a bracelet of snake skulls, the twine carefully woven through hollow eye sockets.
Ander dug faster and faster. He didn't even notice the twigs scratching his palms or the pebbles cracking his claws. Digging was the only thing that mattered now.
And time.
Her ears suddenly broke the surface and Ander doubled his efforts, brushing the snow away from her face. Her eyes were closed, but Ander didn't know if that was good or bad, and neither did he have the time to think about it. He scooped the snow away, flinging it aside, desperate to clear her mouth and nose.
"Mother? Mother!?" He bent down to get a closer look at her face, but with the wind blowing all around them, kicking up puffs of white, it was impossible to tell if she was breathing or not. He gritted his teeth and stuck his hands back into the snow, forcing them underneath her arms. "Help me!"
Sarah and Kiana approached her from behind, seized her by the shoulders and began to pull. Simultaneously, Ander straightened up, lifting with his legs.
The snow bulged around Shekka's body. Sarah and Kiana both leaned back as far as they could, struggling to get purchase against the crumbling slope. And suddenly, without warning, the snow released its grip and Shekka was ripped free. The vixens fell back, panting and heaving, with Shekka between them, her legs still buried up to her knees.
Ander made to rush forward, but something stopped him. There was something otherworldly about this tableaux, a sense of something unseen.
Three mothers, together, lying in the snow. One who had given birth to him, one who had raised him, and one who was carrying a child of his own.
Three different points in time, all coming together in a single moment.
And just like that, it was gone. The wind howled in his ears and stung his eyes. Sarah and Kiana shivered in the cold. But Shekka...
Shekka wasn't moving at all.
No... Oh, please, please, no... Not after everything... Please, don't let this all be for nothing!
Ander leaned over her body, still covered in clumps of snow, and lightly tapped her on the cheek. "Mother?"
There was no response.
"Mother? Are you there? Please, wake up!" He tapped her again, slightly harder than before, but there was still no reaction. "Mother!" This time it wasn't a gentle tap, but a slap. "Wake up!" Her cheek was beyond cold - it was freezing. "Mother! You have to wake up! I can't face Hezzi if you don't wake up! Please!" He pulled his hand back yet again, and that was when he felt Kiana's warm grasp tighten around his wrist. When he turned to look at her, she was simply shaking her head.
"Ander, don't," she said, her eyes brimming with unspilled tears.
Ander wrenched his hand free. "You don't get it, Kiana! This is my fault! I did this! I have to fix this! If I don't -"
"Ander, don't!"
"If I don't, then I'll be the one who killed Hezzi's mother!"
Ander grabbed Shekka by the shoulders and started to shake her, screaming into her face: "Wake up! Please, wake up!" all while Sarah and Kiana watched on, not knowing what to do or say. Ander knew it must look gruesome, ghastly, maybe even blasphemous, but he couldn't give up now. He couldn't let her go. He couldn't afford to stop.
He did not want to sit Hezzi down, look him in the eye, and tell him that Mother was dead.
He couldn't.
"Wake up!" Ander screamed. "Wake up! Please!" He shook her back and forth. The back of her head made horrible slapping sounds against the snow.
"Andrew..." Sarah put a hand on his shoulder. "Stop this."
"I can't!" The world was a blur in his eyes. He blinked the tears away, but everything stayed the same. "You're my mother, Sarah! But Shekka is my mother, too!"
Her grip tightened to the point where it bordered on pain. "She can't be your mother if she doesn't see you as a son, Andrew! Leave her be. You've done all you can."
Ander turned to Kiana, but she couldn't meet his gaze. She could only look down at the she-wolf who, long ago, had condemned her to burn. She bit down on her bottom lip, closed her eyes, and shook her head. "I'm sorry, Ander," she whispered. "I'm just... I'm sorry."
It hurt to swallow. It hurt to breathe. Ander tried to look away, not just from Kiana's pained expression, but from everything. He couldn't, though. His eyes caught on Shekka's hand like a piece of clothing upon a jagged thorn. It was right beside her head, palm up, fingers curled, covered in frozen blood. It looked like she was reaching for something. He couldn't remember his dream very well (if it really was a dream) but he remembered that hand. He remembered the red, sparkling crystals falling from her fingers as she reached out to him, begging not to be left alone in the dark.
I don't have anyone anymore...
"The last time I saw her..." Ander had to force the words out. Each one felt like a heavy ball of lead in his throat, cutting off his air. "She tried to have me killed..."
Kiana touched his face. "You don't have to do this."
"I tried to be a good son to her. I tried so hard. I made so many things for her. All those Cora statues, again and again, just so I could see her run her fingers over them, checking to see if all the details were right. And then she'd give a little nod, just a tiny little nod, and that was enough for me, knowing that she was satisfied, that she was happy with something I'd done for her. All the tools she ever needed, all the pots and gourds, her cutting table, I made them all. And I was happy to do it. Because, even though I knew it wasn't much, it was the one thing I could do that she liked, the one thing that didn't make her hate me... But she still... she still..."
Sarah touched his hand. He could feel the desperation in her grip even through the handkerchief she had tied there. "Andrew, please stop! Stop doing this to yourself!" she begged.
Ander couldn't bring himself to look her in the eye, but he knew what he would see if he did. A vixen tortured by her own son, forced to watch him torture himself.
But Ander couldn't stop now. It was far too late for that. He had to get it out, otherwise it would tear him apart from the inside.
"Hezzi, too..." he said, struggling through the tears. "He was terrified of her. He was scared to death of her. But he always helped her whenever he could, even though he was scared. He was able to do it because he loved her, and because he knew, deep down, that she loved him. But in the end, none of it meant anything. Even though she loved him, she still forced him to leave everything behind. He had to run for his life..."
Kiana took his other hand in both of hers, raised it up to her mouth, and planted a kiss across his fingers. He could feel her love flowing into him, and that made it a little easier.
He shut his eyes tight and powered through, barely able to keep up with the words pouring out of his mouth. "Father. He tried harder than anyone else. I saw how difficult it was for him. I saw how the Chieftaincy weighed him down. I saw how tired he was all the time. I saw how much it hurt to watch his mate lose her sight, day after day. But he was always by her side, every step of the way, no matter what. Whenever anyone said anything bad about her, he would always defend her. He went out of his way to let her know that she was loved, but still... _still_she would explode at him for no reason, still she would yell and scream. He had to spend so many nights alone because she would rather swallow fistfuls of mushrooms and pass out on her own operating table. Every time anyone tried to get close to her, she would lash out. Every time anyone tried to love her, she would push them away." Ander wanted to wipe his tears, but with Sarah and Kiana holding his hands, all he could do was let them fall. "Why did she do that?" he asked. "Why...? Why did she always, _always_have to push everyone away?"
Sarah looked to Kiana, and Kiana looked to Sarah, but neither of them could give him an answer. And how could they? They did not know this she-wolf lying in the snow, this she-wolf who was a complete and utter mystery even to her own family.
"I'm sorry..." Ander said, knowing full well that Sarah and Kiana would be the first to tell him that he didn't have anything to be sorry for, but he couldn't help it. Maybe, if he had said something, done something, tried a little harder, maybe things could have been different for her, too. He reached out, intending to pick her up. He couldn't just leave her out here, in the snow, in the dark, all by herself. But it somehow turned into a hug. "I'm sorry..." he whispered, knowing she could never hear his words. "I'm so sorry..."
"Ander?"
He felt Kiana's hand on his shoulder. It was so cold. He knew they couldn't stay out here for much longer, but he had to finish this. He had to say goodbye.
"By the gods, Ander!"
There was an unexpected amount of panic in her voice. He looked up, but what he saw didn't immediately make sense. He blinked, trying to clear the tears from his eyes, but the blurry shapes remained the same. It was Kiana, staring with wide eyes, her hands firmly clasped beneath her chin.
Both of them.
And if Sarah was on his other side, then...
Ander sat up, breathing fast, feeling like his heart was about to burst through his chest. Shekka's eyes were still closed, but her hand wasn't lying in the snow anymore. It was touching his arm.
"Mother!" Ander grabbed her hand and held it tight. The blood had hardened her fur into tough, prickly spikes. "Mother! Can you hear me?" He rubbed her fingers and breathed on them, hoping for a sign of life, a squeeze, a twitch, anything. "Mother!"
Kiana and Sarah exchanged an uneasy glance behind his back, but Ander barely noticed.
"Mother, please!" he begged. "Please..." A tear rolled down his cheek and fell upon her hand, giving warmth to the frozen blood once again. It seeped between their fingers, neither blood nor tears, but both, and disappeared, swallowed by the cold.
Her eyes flew open, white against white. For a moment it created the illusion that Shekka didn't have any eyes, that those were actually two holes going all the way through her head to the snow at her back. Ander almost screamed, but then she blinked, and the illusion was dispelled. A small whimper escaped her lips and her fingers closed weakly over his hand.
"Mother!" Ander couldn't believe it. He had come so close to giving up hope. He'd been ready to say his goodbye, but now...
She reached for his face. It was just like his dream, only now she wasn't alone anymore. He would make sure of it.
"Wh- Who...?" she asked, struggling to be heard over the wind.
Her fingers lightly brushed his face, moving over his brow and down across his muzzle. "It's me, Mother. It's your son."
"Banno? Is that you?"
"It's Ander."
Everything changed in that moment. Everything.
Her eyes, which had seemed so empty before, so confused, suddenly blazed with wild fury. Her mouth, which could barely whimper out a single word mere moments before, split into an animalistic snarl. A growl issued from her throat, deep and rumbling, flinging ropes of saliva from her fangs.
"You're not my son!" she screamed. "You were never my son!"
"Mother, I -"
Her slender fingers, which could barely open and close by themselves just a while ago, suddenly snapped shut like a biter. Her claws dug into the back of his hand, drawing blood.
"You're not my son!!" She drew back with her other hand, curling her fingers into terrible hooks. Sarah and Kiana rushed forward, but it was already too late.
It was only a moment, but it lasted forever.
Ander saw himself reflected in her blank, staring eyes: a pale ghost, a creature without light or colour, only form.
Why do you always waste your time with these stupid things?
The sound of a table flipping over. The clatter of all his projects spilling to the ground, works of art only halfway done, inventions yet to be tested.
What kind of an example are you setting for Hezzi? He's strange enough without you going around filling his head with all this nonsense!
The crackle of a fire. Heat washing over his face. The smell of smoke, thick and bitter in his nostrils, making his eyes water.
Go on! Throw it in! It's the only way the Cora will know your apology is sincere! Yes, all of it! Every last one! And if I ever catch you building such... such things_ever again I won't be held responsible for whatever befalls you! Can't you see I'm trying to help you, Ander? The other Wolves are saying such terrible things about you. How do you think that makes me feel?_
Her hand on the back of his neck. Her claws digging painfully into his flesh. A sense of helplessness, of being pulled in every direction.
I cannot believe you said those things, Ander! You are the second son of the Chieftain! Have you forgotten that? Every word that comes out of your mouth is a direct reflection on your father! Our laws, our customs, our traditions! They're there for a reason! You're lucky I stepped in when I did! I swear they were about to kill you!
A flash of pain across his cheek. The rattle of bones and talons filling his ears.
Damnit, Ander! Why can't you be more like Banno!? Why is it so hard for you to act like a proper Wolf!? No! Don't cry! Don't you dare cry! You are a son of the Chieftain! If you don't like being punished, if you don't like what everyone says about you, if you don't like the way they stare and whisper, then stop being so damn different all the time! Stop being ander! Stop being you!
A shadow falling across his eyes, a deep, red shadow in the shape of a hand.
It lasted forever, but still...
It was only a moment.
Shekka's claws raked across Ander's face, cleaving his flesh wide open, but the worst of the pain was concentrated in his left eye. It felt like someone had shoved a -
(an arrow)
- a burning hot darning needle into his eye. The pain bloomed like a red flower in his vision, covering half the world in crimson petals like drops of blood.
Ander fell back, screaming, and clapped both hands across his eye. He could feel something wet and warm smearing against his palms and flowing down his cheek.
"Ander!" That was Kiana, but even her panicked scream was nothing compared to the wailing shrieks coming out of Shekka's mouth.
"You bastard son of a vixen slut! You're the one who nearly took Banno away from me! You're the one who turned my little Hezzi against me! You're the one who stole my daughter's life! It's because of you I never got to hold her in my arms! It's because of you I never got to say I'm sorry! It's because of you she never got a pyre or a name! It's because of you she got dumped into a muddy hole like a piece of afterbirth! It's because of you I never got to say goodbye!" She wrenched her feet out of the hole she had nearly died in and came crawling after him like a creature out of a nightmare, white eyes blazing like chunks of ice. "It's because of you I lost my only love! It's because of you that Kadai is dead! You murderer! You took everything from me! Everything!!"
Ander shook his head. "No, Mother, I didn't, I swear, I never meant to hurt you!" Blood flowed down his face and across his lips. He could taste it.
"I hate you, Ander!" Shekka screamed. "I hate you!" She reached for him, her claws dripping with his blood. "I hate you! I hate you! I HATE -"
Sarah's fist came from out of nowhere. It struck the side of Shekka's jaw with a bone-jarring crack and she went ploughing, face-first, into the snow. Blood slowly leaked out of the corner of her mouth, melting the powder into a filthy red mess. She was completely motionless.
"By the gods I've wanted to do that for the longest time," Sarah said, perhaps trying to sound tough, but her voice shook almost as badly as her hand. The knuckles were covered in spots of blood that were already beginning to freeze over.
Ander tried to sit up, but he felt so dizzy and lightheaded. Every gust of wind seemed intent on pushing him down again. Maybe if he still had both hands he could have pushed himself off the ground, but he was too afraid to move them away from his burning face.
"No, Andrew! Stay still!" Sarah rushed over and brushed the hair out of his eyes. "Oh my dear sweet merciful gods... Oh, Andrew..." She put her hands over his, and he could clearly feel her shaking. "Let me see."
Ander stiffened at the request. Even the tiniest movement was enough to send a blinding flash of pain through his eye.
"Andrew, please, we don't have much time. It'll only be for a second, I promise."
Ander gritted his teeth and allowed her to pull his hands away. She did it very slowly and very gently, opening them like the pages of a book. A freezing blast of wind immediately slapped him right in the face, and he could actually feel the blood congealing and hardening into his fur, pulling his skin tight.
"Can you open your eye for me?"
Ander genuinely tried, but it felt like the eyelid was glued shut. He could only imagine what it must look like, all the snowflakes blowing into his face and sticking to the blood. It must be a disgusting red slurry by now.
Kiana fretted in the background, alternately looking over Sarah's shoulder and checking on Shekka, making sure she was still unconscious.
Sarah leaned in close. He could feel her breath on his cheek. "Come on, Andrew. Just a little bit."
Ander tried again. He could actually feel his eyelid slowly peeling loose until it suddenly snapped wide open. The pain was immense, and made even worse by the cold. It felt like someone had taken the tip of an icicle and driven it deep inside the soft flesh of his eye. He closed it immediately on pure reflex, but in the brief second he had it open, he had a strange, overlapping double-view of the world. His good eye still saw everything normally, but his injured one had a cloudy, reddish brown filter over it.
"Is he okay?" Kiana asked.
"I don't know, there's so much blood!" Sarah was constantly touching his face, maybe just to wipe the gore away, but Ander thought there was more to it than that. It was as though he could actually feel her reassurance through her touch. "We have to take him to Bethany."
"Hold on a second." Kiana bent down and an odd ripping noise suddenly echoed through the pass. When she came back into view, she was holding a long strip of green cloth in her hands. The ends flapped in the wind. "Can you hold his head up?"
Sarah lifted his head off the snow and Kiana quickly looped the cloth around and around, covering his eye in a double layer of what he assumed to be the hem of her dress. She then tied a knot at the back and cinched it tight.
"There," she said. "It's not much, but at least it'll keep the snow out."
"Can you sit up, Andrew? Slowly now..."
Together, they helped him into a sitting position. His eye still burned and throbbed beneath the bandage, but that blinding sting was gone. He could see, and that was good enough.
He still had work to do.
"Careful, Andrew! Not so fast! What are you doing!?"
Ander forced himself up on one knee, but when he pushed against the ground, a quick, stabbing pain shot through his hand. He looked down.
Sarah's handkerchief was still tied around his left hand. It was a bit worse for wear now, and there was a small spot of blood in the middle, but despite everything, it was still there. He reached up and touched the bandage across his face. Light blue and dark green. The two fabrics rubbed together, ever so slightly. They had done so much for him. Far more than he could ever repay. And now...
Now he would ask for even more.
He stood up. The wind grabbed at his clothes, threatening to yank him back down again, but he simply bowed his head and began to walk.
"Andrew?"
"Ander?"
Shekka was still lying in the snow, right where she had fallen. The blood on her face and hands had formed a crumbling red crust.
I HATE YOU!!
Ander pulled his father's necklace out of the hole - white chunks of snow slid off the fangs and claws in random clumps - and slipped it around her neck. Next, he pushed his hands underneath her body, scraping his knuckles raw against the snow, and picked her up. Her eyes were closed, but he could see her chest rise and fall with every breath. She was still alive, and no matter what she had said, no matter what she had done, no matter how much she might hate him for it, he intended to keep her that way.
Sarah and Kiana didn't look very surprised. "Are you sure about this, Andrew?"
Ander looked down at the she-wolf cradled in his arms. She was always a bit small for a Wolf. Always slender. But she had never looked as skinny and emaciated as she did now.
Ander raised his head, and simply said: "I have to."
Sarah and Kiana both nodded, and he loved them even more for that.
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