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Chapter Nine--The Journal

As the next few days passed, Damien found himself unable to look up directly at Thomas. He did anything he could to distract himself when they were around each other--his textbooks, his phone, anything to keep him from having to look up into those eyes. He had made the mistake of looking at him directly only once, late Monday night. They had been talking since Thomas had returned to the dorm, and Damien had kept his eyes on his phone, faking a conversation with Anna to keep his eyes elsewhere.

"Hey, are you listening to me?" Thomas asked suddenly and Damien looked up. His heart started to race strangely in his chest... "Damien?"

"Uh, sorry? I didn't hear you..."

"I asked if you were busy tomorrow," Thomas repeated. "Ozzy was going to have a study party in his room. Figured you might want to come along."

"...I don't know. Probably not," Damien said, swallowing thickly. His mouth felt dry.

"You okay? You look sick."

"Y-yeah, I'm fine," Damien lied hurriedly. "Just tired." He undid his ponytail and laid down on his pillow. "I think I'll turn in early tonight."

"You sure you're okay?"

"Yeah. Just need some rest."

"Okay... if you say so," Thomas murmured, sounding very unconvinced.

Damien had gotten the message in a group text (which had included James and Anna) early Wednesday morning, but he had been so groggy and drowsy that the full impact of the message didn't hit him until he reread it shortly after his class started. Apparently, Warren had booked a performance for them on Saturday, their first performance together as Loxosceles.

Anna had been the first to reply and her excitement was noticeable even in the text. Then was James's reply, and while being more demure and reserved than Anna, he was just as happy. Both of them had replied rather quickly upon getting the text. Warren had had asked them all to invite others to the show, to make it as big as they could.

Damien soon found himself wondering who to invite... His first thought shifted to Thomas (and Ozzy and Torrie). Somewhere in his mind, he hoped Thomas would be able to make it. He would love to see Thomas out in the crowd, cheering him on and he knew very well that Ozzy and Torrie would be likely to come with him. And perhaps he could convince the rest of the team to--

He shook his head; he knew he was getting ahead of himself, but he was grinning now. He had started to lean backward in his chair slightly. His next thought was of his family. It had been a while since he had seen them during his stint in the hospital...

Then his next thoughts were of his friends back home, particularly his former bandmates of Malachite. His contact with them had been even more scattered than he had thought it would be, limited to texts only once a week usually. Except for Ed... As his thoughts drifted to Ed, he remembered the last time they had seen each other, the last words that they had said... The memory started to replay itself in his mind.

Yet the memory had altered. Somehow, it wasn't Ed he saw. It was--

He let out a shout as he attempted to right himself, just barely catching himself from falling backwards. The entire class had fallen silent and Professor Welles had turned to glare intently at him, the dry-erase marker pointed directly at the husky who had interrupted his class.

"Mr. Blackwell, if you must make noise, do it somewhere else," he said. "I will not warn you again."

"Sorry, sir," Damien murmured as he sank lower in his chair. Without another word, Professor Welles turned back to the board and continued.

"What's wrong with you?" Anna hissed at him as he sat upright.

"Just daydreaming," Damien whispered back. "You got Warren's text right?"

"Yeah, but we should be focusing. We can talk later."

---

Damien hesitated when Thomas returned to the dorm that night. Thomas had come in and thrown himself onto his bed, whining about his homework and how unfair the concept of homework was. Damien listened without really caring, for his mind was elsewhere. His textbook was open on his lap, and his eyes were skimming the page, but he was unable to compose his mind to focus on anything just yet.

"Hey, Tommy," Damien murmured nervously.

At once, Thomas's tirade fell silent and he looked at Damien with curiosity and amazement as he sat upright. "What'd you just call me?"

"T-Tommy," Damien answered. "Like Ozzy and Torrie do... but if it bothers you, I can--"

"No, it's cool," Thomas said. "Just never heard you say that before. What's on your mind?"

"Are you busy Saturday?" Damien questioned.

"Just football practice," Thomas answered. "Why? Something going on? Party?"

"Sort of," Damien said. "I..." He trailed off and mentally kicked himself for being so shy. Why was this so difficult? He found himself unable to look up at Thomas directly... Once more, he couldn't bring himself to look at those eyes.

"Yeah?" Thomas said.

"...Uh... You know what, forget it! It's nothing," Damien remarked. He forced a yawn.

"Okay, puppy," Thomas said, snatching the book from Damien, "what's going on?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about," Damien answered, keeping his eyes downward.

"You've been acting weird all week. You sure you're not sick or something? Need to talk or--?"

"It's nothing," Damien insisted. "I was just wondering about something, but it's not a big deal."

"If it wasn't a big deal, you wouldn't have brought it up in the first place," Thomas said. "Talk to me, Damien. I want to help if I can."

Damien shook his head. "I'm just..."

"Yes?"

Damien took a deep breath and spoke in as quickly as he could. "Mybandhasaperformancethissaturdayandiwaswonderingifyouandozzyandtorriewantedtogosoiwasgoingtoinviteyou!"

Thomas shook his head. "Speak English, puppy."

Damien exhaled sharply. "I have a performance with my band on Saturday."

"Really? That's awesome! Congrats, but why were you trying not to tell me."

"I wanted to tell you. I want to invite you and Ozzy and Torrie. I want you guys to be there."

"Of course we'll be there!"

"Really?" Damien said looking up for the first time. At once, he wished he hadn't. Looking up into that face... Those eyes shined like gems and that smile... Damien's face heated beneath his fur and his breath hitched.

"Yeah! Of course! Consider it my way of thanking you for going to my game," Thomas said, handing the textbook back. "Was that it? Why were you so nervous? You should be proud, pup. Means you're moving up in the world."

"T-thanks," Damien said in a strained, awkward voice. He looked back down at his textbook. "I appreciate it..."

"Anytime, buddy."

---

September 21st, 20--

I can't believe it! Warren's got our first gig this Saturday! And I can't wait! It's been so long since I've had a performance and I miss being on stage. But I wonder what it'll be like, being on stage without Malachite. Instead, this is Loxosceles. Something new, something rougher, something a bit darker and I love being in Loxosceles.

Don't get me wrong! I loved being in Malachite but things change. Malachite can't be a band when we can't get together and practice and rehearse and everything. Speaking of which, I spoke to the old band. Chris and Kris said maybe, but Ed said he's going to try his hardest to make it out, but he's halfway across the state. I'm not going to hold it against him if he can't make it.

But I also asked Tommy. Yes, I called him "Tommy" and I don't know why. It was weird, but it made me feel... happy? Excited? I don't know. This is the first time I've ever called him that and it was weird, but not bad. Anyway, I asked him to go and he said he'd go! I'm more than happy that he'll be there. It's so exciting to know he'll be watching me perform just like I watched him play football last Saturday! He'll be cheering me on!

Wait, why am I happier knowing that he'll be there? I mean, I haven't seen Ed or the twins since I left home, but I see Thomas--Tommy--every day. Man... I'm starting to think James was right. Am I falling for him?

Damn it. I shouldn't think about him that way. He has a girlfriend, I have a girlfriend, he's straight, I'm straight (I think). So why the fuck am I thinking like this? No more. It's time to look at reality. I have Anna! I should be happy. So why won't these thoughts go away?

--Damien Jaime Blackwell

---

Damien scowled at his phone curiously as he sat in the library with Anna by his side the next afternoon. A new message was hardly anything to be surprised or even excited about--he got at least one new message daily. But the name on the text did surprise him--It was from Ozzy.

"You okay, baby?" Anna wondered. "Everything alright?"

Damien's eyes skimmed the text and his panic began to rise steadily. At once, he reached for his backpack, flitting through the papers, the two books and the rest of the random junk he had stuffed in so haphazardly. But there was no mistaking that it wasn't there. Damien's breath hitched and he began to hyperventilate.

"Damien!" Anna hissed and Damien looked at her, unable to contain his newfound panic. "What's wrong?"

"I can't find my journal..." he breathed.

"Your...? Maybe you left in your dorm! Have you checked?"

"N-no," Damien said. "But Ozzy... I think he might have it."

"Why does he--?"

Damien shrugged. He zipped up his backpack and shouldered it, hardly paying attention to the homework he had left on the table where they had been working. "I've got to go! I'll catch up with you later!"

"Damien!" she called, but he had already taken off, walking briskly to the exit and sprinting once he had gotten outside. How could he have misplaced his journal? How could Ozzy--out of anyone--have been the one to pick it up?

_"Damien!"_Anna snapped when she reached him. At once, she grabbed him by the shoulder, spinning him around to face her. "Calm down! Listen, regardless of what happens, you need to calm down. Breathe in... breathe out... breathe in..." He followed her instructions but found himself unable to calm down. His mind swam with questions and worry. "I know you're upset but I promise you everything will be okay."

"But what if--?"

"Just try to keep calm, please," Anna insisted. "Do you want me to go with you?"

"N-no... I think I can... I'll handle it..."

"Are you sure?"

"Y-yeah... I'll..."

"Damien..."

"I promise! I'll be okay!"

"Alright... I'll stop by your room later, okay?"

---

Damien swallowed thickly before knocking on the door to Ozzy's dormitory. The panic had subsided enough for him to knock on the door, but his body was shaking. His heart was pounding painfully in his chest and his mind was drowning in worry.

The door opened and Ozzy stood there, clad in a t-shirt that matched his fur perfectly and pink boxer-briefs and looking as if he had just climbed out of bed. His white fur was unkempt and his nose twitched awkwardly.

"Hey, puppy..."

"Ozzy, where's my journal?"

"Oh, yeah... Well, might as well come in," Ozzy remarked, stepping back into his dorm. "We have a lot to talk about."

"I just want my journal!"

"And I'll give it back, but I just wanted to talk to you about something first," Ozzy said kindly. Damien didn't move and Ozzy turned back to face him. Reading the upset looking Damien's face, he hurriedly said, "Don't worry, I didn't read the whole thing, just the last page."

Damien stepped into the room and closed the door behind him. "How'd you find my journal?"

"I stumbled across it in my chemistry class," Ozzy answered simply. He walked over to the desk beneath the closed window and picked up the black-covered notebook. "This is yours, isn't it?" Perhaps Damien had moved faster than Ozzy expected because within seconds, he had snatched it from Ozzy's hand, leaving the rabbit both surprised and slightly fearful. "Dude, you don't got to snatch my arm with it."

"Thanks, I was just worried..."

"Want something to drink? You look parched."

Damien looked over and saw that Ozzy had picked up two water bottles. Damien nodded and caught the one Ozzy threw at him. Indicating the empty bed, Ozzy seated himself. Damien paused before sitting down.

"So, about that last entry you had," Ozzy remarked. "Just so you know, Tommy's not straight."

"What...? What do you...? How would you know that?"

"Oh please, puppy," Ozzy said with a snorting laugh. "I've known Tommy way longer than you have, pup. And let me tell you, he and I have had a _special_history."

"What does that mean?" Damien asked as he uncapped his water.

"Let me ask you something, what do you think of him? Think he's hot? Sexy?"

"Well... I don't know... I mean... I kind of... maybe find him... attractive... I mean..." Unable to continue, Damien took another swig of the water.

"Well, let me tell you something," Ozzy said. "He may look like a cat but he fucks like a stallion."

Damien choked on the water he was drinking and coughed. The water splashed out of his mouth. Ozzy was unable to suppress his laughter, even as he patted Damien's back. Damien shook his head, unable to believe what he had just heard. And with Ozzy laughing so uproariously, Damien wasn't sure if Ozzy was being serious or not.

"Did you just say--?"

"Oh, yeah," Ozzy said. "Back in high school, we were friends with benefits... Or fuck buddies. Or whatever. Never dated, but we were pretty close."

"So you guys... had sex...?"

"Yep," Ozzy said proudly. "But I'm telling you this just to let you know that you never know. You may have a shot with him one day." There was a short lull in conversation as the weight of what was said sank in. "Although, if I'm right, you're still a virgin right?"

Damien looked down at his water bottle.

"Hey, it's not a bad thing," Ozzy assured him. "And I was just curious."

"Why did you read my journal? Why didn't you just bring it back to me?"

"How would I have known who it belonged to? Besides, like I said, I only read the last bit you wrote last night. And don't worry, I won't tell anyone, I know how to keep a secret." He thought for a moment. "Usually. But I can keep a secret this time."

"Really?" Damien asked nervously.

"Yeah, I promise! Scout's honor!"

Damien snorted in laughter. "Like you're a scout!"

"Maybe I was, maybe I wasn't. But..." Ozzy threw his arm around Damien, pulling him closer to whisper to him. "If you ever want to mess around, let me know."

Damien pulled away, and shook his head. "Uh, I think I'm good! Thanks anyway! Got to go! Anna's waiting for me!" He backed towards the door and opened it carefully.

Ozzy laughed again. "Alright, puppy! I'll catch you later."

Damien stepped out into the hallway and let the door close before falling back against it, crossing his legs in an attempt to calm the stirring in his groin.