FSE

Furry search engine

formerly SoFurry search engine

Wanted: Young adult to serve as assistant to brilliant biologist. Must be willing to clean, work unusual hours, and give it all to science. Inquiries will be accepted at scientistsupreme@aol.com or call ###-###-####

I read over the ad a few times just to make sure I hadn't made any mistakes. It was simple and straightforward enough that I had no doubt I would be getting many inquiries within the hour. I would have to choose carefully. Whoever worked under me couldn't be too proud lest they threaten to overshadow me, but of course there was none like that. I'm the most brilliant biologist of this century, if not in all of history. Still, there are those...hacks that might try to steal my wondrous work even if they could never truly comprehend it. Fools!

I clicked submit and sat back. A few seconds later my ad was placed on Craigslist. I had originally intended on putting them in the classifieds, but as it turned out that section isn't quite so classified. I couldn't have some doughnut eating cop uncovering my schemes while reading that morning's edition of the Townhouse Times. Neither could I risk one of my rivals, few as they are, see I was hiring. They could send one of their minions in an attempt to get me to hire a spy as an assistant and I couldn't have that.

I waited. And waited. And waited until it was past the darkest hours of the night and I still had not received a single inquiry. I had been fiddling with the formula in the meantime, but I was starting to get annoyed. As pathetic as Townhouse was, even this inbred town must have someone smart and willing to work with the greatest mind this world had ever seen. Surely someone!

I glowered and continued to work on the formula. Well, formulas really. There was two, one for each of the sexual configurations of the creatures that would usurp the weak species known as humanity once I had perfected them. No, they were perfect, they just weren't flawless yet. If I put it together now, distilled it, and put it into one of my needles...why I could have the perfect specimen in a matter of moments. All I needed was a body. Male, female, it didn't matter. Once injected, the formula would ensure skin was shed for scales along with other reptilian traits, though I must admit there were a few mammalian traits as well, particularly for the females. Humanity had gotten some things right in the long road of evolution. Some things. Very few things, which is why it needed a savior who would lead them into a stronger, scaly future. And that wasn't going to be me, at least not yet. As I said, perfect but not flawless. I needed to make sure when I changed myself that I would end up the best my mind could make. There were other traits I wanted to add to the basic package for my use as well, overwhelming telepathic abilities on the verge of mind control being at the forefront of the features. Like I said, lead. I wasn't going to be just the one who created the perfect race. I was going to be it too, and more.

But that would be for later. Now it was just the basics, male and female with the right scales and reproductive rights in place--that is, muted. At this point it was faster to convert than create in the conventional way especially since I didn't have a single of my brand new race yet just like I didn't have an assistant and there was a correlation.

"Curses!" I shouted after having looked at the same line of biological code for the thousandth time that night. I couldn't improve it, not yet, not until I had time to experiment and for that I needed an assistant. Why hadn't anyone called?

At that moment, my phone rang. I jumped and grabbed at the phone. I stopped myself from answering. What if one of those NSA mind reading drones had just swept over the house and seen my thoughts? Could they know? I had to take the risk. This was the future of humanity after all. I answered the phone.

"Hello?" I said suspiciously, glancing down at caller ID. It was a local number.

"Uh, hey," a male voice, seemingly stoned answered. "I'm calling about an ad on Craigslist?" "Yes, yes!" I cackled. "You've called the right place."

"Oh." A pause. "Uh, so what do I have to do? You didn't list any qualifications."

"Qualifications?" I said with a laugh. Such simple minds these people had! "You are qualified otherwise you would not have called, no?"

"Uh, no? I mean, yes? I don't know?"

I shook my head. The NSA? As if!

"Do you want the job?" I asked. "You may have it if you wish."

"Yeah! That'd be awesome. I need some money. I owe some buddies some money. I went a little too deep last time if you know what I mean."

"Yes, yes," I said. "Now--"

"Like, I swear I saw the heart of the universe."

"Very nice. Now--"

"It was like, all blue and glowy and stuff. Pretty cool, huh?"

"Yes, very...cool. Now you'd like to be my assistant, yes? Then come to this address..."

I told him the address. There was a pause and then he spoke again:

"Uh, could you say that again? I sort of spaced out there for a moment. Oh, and I should probably write this down. And, uh, it might take me a little to get there. I don't have a car. I'll be taking the bus."

I sighed and repeated the address.

*****

I had done it. I had figured out the formula. Formulas, male and female. They were perfect, flawless now and more modular. The male was strong, stocky, and agile. The female was strong too, but not as strong and more agile. Plus it had other features that would turn out quite attractive according to the visualization software, but that didn't matter. What mattered is that I had done it. What mattered even more was that my assistant hadn't arrived.

It was now three hours since I had talked to him. He had said it would take some time, but dammit, time was of the essence! There was science to carry out and I was waiting on him. At least the wait turned out to be a blessing in disguise as I was able to concoct two vials of the formula, one male and one female. They glistened green and they called out to me. I almost swallowed the contents of the male vial but kept myself from doing so. It was what I wanted to become but not to the extent I wanted to become. So, I saved it for my assistant and hid the female vial in a drawer full of glowsticks. If someone searched, they surely wouldn't know difference.

Finally I heard the doorbell ring. I placed the male serum in my pocket, ran up from my lab, slammed its door securely shut, and rushed to my house's entrance. I opened the door and met my assistant.

He was a little taller than me, certainly in his early 20s, his hair messy, and his face haphazardly shaven. He looked down at me with reddish eyes that had dark circles under them.

"Yo," he said. "You that scientist dude?"

I stiffened. "I am Dr.--"

"Sorry I'm late, dude," he said. "I fell asleep at the stop and no one woke me. Jerks!"

"Jerks indeed," I said. I looked over the man, but I did not really see him. Instead, I was imagining what he would look like after he was changed. It would surely be an improvement, especially in the mind.

He shivered, and I understood the cue. I motioned towards the inside.

"Come in, come in," I said, stepping back and swinging the door wide open. "Let me show where you'll be working."

"Thanks, man."

He came in and I shut the door. Afterwards, I led him to the basement. I nodded towards it.

"This is the lab," I said. "Down here is where--"

He pushed the door open and looked down.

"A basement?" he said. "I mean, that's cool, I guess. I thought it would be an attic or something. What do you grow? Meth?"

"Meth?" I sputtered. "No, you insipid fool! You don't grow--" I shook my head and smiled my best smile. "I'm working on something great. Growing something great and you are going to be part of it."

"Oh," he said. "That's neat. Some kind of new drug or something." "Yes," I said. "Some kind of a new drug. Something that will change the world."

"Sounds sweet. Can I try some or something? Is this what this is about? Or is this going to be like Breaking Bad?"

I shook my head. "It's going to be--"

I closed my mouth. The plan came together then. I cackled and touched the vial in my pocket.

"Huh?" he said. "What's that about?"

"Nothing, my brave assistant," I replied, stifling down another cackle. "Nothing to worry about."

"Uh, I'm not worried." "Perfect. Would you like some coffee?"

He bunched his brow and I thought I saw the spark of thought in his eyes for a moment. Then he shrugged.

"Sure," he said. "I could use some joe."

"Very good," I said. "I--"

I stopped. My plan had a glaring problem. I didn't have coffee. I never had coffee. I didn't drink the stuff. I survived on willpower and willpower alone. Only weak minded scientists needed substances.

"I'll drive," I said.

"You've drive?"

I nodded, holding up my keys. I already had a solution, of course. It just took me a moment to remember it.

"Come on," I said, jingling the keys. "I'll buy."

That seemed to do the trick. I secured the lab and we walked out of my house. I scanned the streets and sky but saw nothing unusual amongst the similar looking houses and dark night. Good. It should be an otherwise ordinary night when the world is forever changed.

I led him to my bruised and battered car while he continued to mumble and mutter about things that didn't matter. My mind was elsewhere, focused on the fact that soon enough I would have created the beginning of a new race and the end of humanity.

I admit I was a little giddy as I drove the car out of the neighborhood and a little anxious too. Who wouldn't be? My plans were coming to fruition and all I needed was coffee to start the beginning of the end. I was even driving a little bit faster than normal, which mean I was just about going the speed limit in my jalopy.

"Shh," I said to my assistant as we pulled up to the drive thru. "It's time to order. What do you desire?"

"Coffee," he said. "I thought we were getting coffee."

"Right you are," I said, cursing myself internally. Here we were for coffee and I had been about to order a McFlurry. My hands shook. I was definitely anxious. I need to calm down.

"Hello," I said into the microphone. "I'd like coffee."

"Ok!" the voice replied. "What size?"

"Umm, normal?"

"Medium."

"Sure," I said, prepared to drive up but then the diabolic voice spoke again.

"Sugar?"

I looked over to my assistant.

"Sugar?" I asked. He shook his head. "No."

"Cream?" "No," I said when my assistant shook his head again.

"Whipped cream?"

"COFFEE!" I screamed. "Just coffee! Roasted, ground beans ground up and...mixed with water or something! Coffee!"

"Ok, that'll be $3.75!"

I grumbled and pulled up. I paid for the coffee and was about to hand it to my assistant when I remembered the other part of the plan. He tugged at it in my hand. I growled and pulled it back.

"Hey, man," he said. "I thought that was my coffee."

"It is," I said and it was true. My mind raced as I tried to figure out what to say next. Desperate, I pointed towards the sky. "Look, an unidentified flying object! Aliens exist!"

He looked towards the night sky, giving me just enough time to pour the serum into the coffee. I held it out to him as he looked back to me.

"I didn't see anything," he said, taking the coffee from me. He sipped at it and made a face. "Ugh, no cream?"

I kept my mouth shut as we pulled away from the fast food establishment and then I realized I was in a dead end even though there was plenty of road ahead of me. Though the coffee had diluted the serum, my assistant would soon be changing. How much time did I have to get him back to the house? It surely wasn't enough. Fortunately, a solution presented itself.

"Ugh," he groaned. "I'm feeling weird. Can we stop at my place? I might need some meds and by meds I mean--"

"Yes, yes," I said. "Is it far?"

"Nah." He burped and winced. "It's just down the road."

I followed his directions and took a risk by going five over the speed limit. If I got pulled over now...

I was sweating by the time we pulled up to this run down apartment complex. I wiped my forehead, looked over to my assistant, and gasped.

"What, man?" he said in a slightly sibilant voice.

My assistant's visage had already began to alter. Spots of scales spread over skin and his hair was falling out strand by strand as his cranium reshaped, his ears and nose shrinking and shrinking. He winced and shut his eyes and when they opened again they were green and slitted, much like a reptile. It was working!

"Eureka!" I exclaimed. "It's happening!"

"What is..." My assistant groaned and held his belly with both hands. He lowered his increasingly green scaled head and looked down at his hands. When he saw that they were green, scaled, and his fingers had extended into claws, he screamed.

"Aaahhh!"

He held them up to his face and then touched his face as it began to push out into a more lizardlike configuration. I was ecstatic, but also unhappy. I had neglected to bring something I could take notes on. I would have to commit it all to memory.

"You were right!" he said, holding his face as it stretched out into a muzzle. A forked tongue slipped out and licked at his lizardy lips. "Aliens! They did this to me!"

"No, you fool!" I said. "I did!"

His eyes snapped to me and I felt a stab of fear. There was something predatory and cruel in those eyes. I didn't like the look, especially when he opened his mouth and showed me many sharp teeth. Then his eyes unfocused and he shook his head.

"Not cool, man!"

Somehow he managed to maneuver his clawed hands to open the passenger door without damaging it. He stumbled out and only made it a few steps before he bent over and hissed. A thick tail burst out from above his rear, tearing the lower portion of his shirt and lower bit of his shorts to shreds. He hissed again and tore at his clothes, ripping them away and letting them fall to the ground. What lay beneath were more green scales and a body that was becoming more muscular by the moment.

"Yes," I said. "It's working, it's working!"

My assistant stumbled away. He nearly fell over when his stance shifted to digitigrade and then I lost sight of him as he disappeared into the apartment complex. All I could hear was the clacking of his claws.

"Wait!" I said. "Come back here!"

I jumped out of the car and scrambled after him. He was running up the stairs, stumbling occasionally as his body went through odd growth spurts here and there. He was strong now and certainly more than a little taller than me. Still he ran in a panic, his voice a mix of hisses and growls. Fool! Why did he run from fate!

I followed him all the way up to the fourth floor and by this time I was panting. My mind was refined, but my body was not so. I had always known a simple serum could handle it. Now I was I had handled it earlier.

Still, I managed to keep pace with my assistant for whatever strength he gained was held back by his fear and lack of experience with his own form. I saw his strength when he ripped away what was presumably the door to his apartment and stepped in. I raced in after him.

My assistant stood in a mess so unorganized it that it hurt my mind to look at it, which is why I chose to stare at him and he was perfect, a lean, green fighting machine. He stood confidently on his three clawed feet and there was such power in his muscular frame that I always felt intimidated by my own creation. Then I stepped forward and snarled.

"Return to my side at once, fool!" I said. "You signed up for this!"

"No, I did not," he said. "We never made a deal."

I froze. Was he talking differently or was that just my imagination? Of course, the serum had sharpened his mind!

My assistant laughed coldly and narrowed his eyes at me.

"Oh, I know what you did now," he said. "Put something in my coffee and now I'm...this." He motioned to a form so impressive I was jealous. "You turned me into a freak!"

"No," I said. "You are beautiful."

He snarled and lunged. I squealed and stepped back, but he wasn't coming for me. He smiled, reached for his phone and dialed three numbers.

"911, what is your emergency?" I heard.

"Hello," my assistant said. "I've been turned into a scaled freak by a mad scientist. He also grows meth."

I frowned and folded my arms. Of course, his mind hadn't been sharpened too much.

"I do not!" I said.

"The address?" My assistant said. He looked around and grabbed something by his phone. He smiled again at me, and it was a predator's smile. "Why it's..."

He said my address and I gaped. No! They knew the location of my subterranean suburban lizard lab!

"Blast!" I screamed, running out of the room.

"Hellfire!" I shouted, going down the stairs.

"Damnation!" I swore upon reaching my car. I started it up and began to drive away and this time I was so scared that I drove slower on the way back to my home. I just hoped it was faster than the police could mobilize. I sped up. They had to follow the rules. I didn't and there was one vial left, the one thing that could save me.