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Zootopia

DIRTY HAIRY By Dan 1966

Loosely based off of Clint Eastwood's Harry Callahan.

(c) Zootopia. 2016 Walt Disney Productions (c) Dirty Harry 1971 Malpaso Productions (c) Fritz the Cat 1970 Ralph Bakshe

All rights respected. Not for monetary gain and none expected. Fandom enjoyment only.

Rated R for violence, swearing, graphic depictions of death and sex.

Who's killing animals across the city of Zootopia, leaving many half eaten in their cars? To get down in the dirt, you need a cop who skirts the line between legality and criminal-ism. That's when you call in homicide inspector Fritz Catz aka "Dirty Hairy". He's Gentile and likable when he's in the Precinct house but a complete bastard out on the streets who packs a howitzer for a gun. When the offender has to be absolutely stopped overnight...Fritz is the cat for the job.

PART 2

9am 1st Precinct Official Lot

Fritz signed the auto inspection report sheet for his official car and placed the folder back into the rain protection box while Dave Sweet inspected the twelve gauge shot gun he checked out from the armory before putting it in the holding rack between the seats...

"This thing sounds a little loose." David said as he shook the "Remmingtooth" in his paws.

"You can return it? I'll wait?" Fritz said as he leaned on the hood.

"Oh it's ok." David replied. "I have my side arm too. I don't think the shotgun is too loose that it might fail on us."

The two mammals slipped into the four door unmarked car and soon they were driving through downtown and the usual mid-morning crush of pedestrians and vehicle traffic. Fritz pulled out a "mix strip" USB stick of music, popped it into the computer panel and selected "Peter Sabertooth" from the list.

"Now you're scaring me." David said. "I listen to him too."

"Wow." Fritz replied. "I took you for someone close to my oldest daughter. Kids these days listen to some strange stuff compared to when I was a kitten."

"I love all the old music." David replied. "I would be lost at a rave concert. So? How many kittens do you have?"

"Three." Fritz replied. "My son Spike is the youngest at three. Then there's Chrystal who's seven and then Nelly, my very opinionated and liberated thirteen year old. I'd almost be scared to invite you over the house because she would kill you with looks of envy and slaughter you with her politics. I'm the restrictive, repressive authoritarian patriarch....no honestly....Nelly is a good girl but sometimes she tests me. You don't have kittens?"

David shook his head. "Not yet. I want to have a well established career before I even think of a wife, kits and sand boxes. You married and had them young?"

"Nope." Fritz replied. "Me and the wife were married seven years before we had our first. I was then.....three years into a street beat. How big's your family?"

David pursed his lips. "I'm the only one. Not much to speak about. Mom was knocked up at 13 and I was raised more by my grandparents. My grandfather was a bike cop in Sahara Central which is why I wanted to be a cop out of graduation."

Fritz smiled. "So far? You haven't been a disappointment. Judging by your record."

David glanced at the driver side door pocket and cocked his face in a questioning look...."Fritz? I notice you have mouthwash on your desk and in the car."

Fritz chuckled. "A little secret? I have OCD real bad when it comes to my pearly whites. I hate having Halitosis. You know we cats have serious stink mouth with some of the food we eat? I fear someone being offended by a trash mouth."

"I'm not judging you." David said.

"I know." Fritz said. "It's all good. "Now we do a lot of running through some key parts of Central, Downtown and the Square. Sand Lodge, Hump Street, Sloth Street, Heat Street....locations where we get purse snatching, narcotic pushing, strong arm heists and the occasional drunk brawl, road rage and fist fight. Also have to keep a "spot eye" for prostitution...especially of the under age and vulpine variety. Nothing upsets you more than to see a trunk full of fox kittens marked for sale to be someone's naked neck snuggler."

"Bastards." David snarled. "I pulled one over in Tundra Town. I so wanted to put a round through his fricken skull."

"Easy David." Fritz replied. "Don't spin yourself up this early."

David regarded the "Mouse at Work" song and shook his head. "Oh Cheese its... you are almost a dinosaur."

Fritz snickered back. "Are you striking to be tossed from the car at 50 miles per hour?"

10:09am

The radio cracked..."Inspector Seventy One? Headquarters calling...answer up?" Clawhauser's voice spoke.

Fritz touched the computer screen. "Seventy One up, what do you have Ben?"

"See the officers at the corner of Brent and Akerman in Cactus Grove. Mammal found expired in automobile. Officer Merkhorn is the on scene charge officer." Clawhauser said.

"Seventy one...out. Responding." Fritz hit the siren as David snatched the magnetic "bubble gun" light and slapped it on the car roof!

Fritz reached into his coat pocket on the inside liner and pulled out a white tube that looked like toothpaste. "This is mint for your nose. With the nice warm weather? If the poor mammal's been in that car for a while? It will stink royally."

"Thanks." David said. "Pass the mouthwash?"

"You serious?" Fritz asked.

"First impression is important." David said. Fritz passed him the mouthwash bottle and a cup from the glove compartment...

"I don't like backwash." Fritz said smiling.

10:19am the corner of Brent and Akerman in Cactus Grove. Sahara Square.

Fritz parked the car beyond the cordon set up by the on scene ZPD officers. Nick Wilde and Judy Hopps were at each end turning traffic and pedestrians around while officers Merkhorne and Delgato were running yellow tape and tarp over the incident vehicle. From the size, the car was what you'd call an upper/short level vehicle which meant the occupant had been in the marsupial/weasel class of species. Fritz and David walk up to Judy Hopps first to make quick small talk...

"Morning Judy." Fritz said with a paw wave. "This is my new partner David Sweet."

Judy snickered. "I'm so sorry. Where should I send the funeral wreath?'

"Judy?" Fritz huffed. "So what do I have here?"

"You have a mess." Judy replied. "I peaked inside and almost upchucked my morning carrots it was horrific."

David followed Fritz as he walked towards John Merkhorn, the big gray African Rhino who was slowly moving around the car after he'd adjusted the tarp on it for any evidence on the ground...

"Officer Merkhorn? What do we have?" Fritz asked. "David Sweet my new partner from Tundra Bike."

Merkhorn stretched out his big hand and fist bumped David. "What we got here "Dirty" is a soup sandwitch. Hopps and Wilde were the one's who stopped to look in the car because of how it was parked? He was.....something......"

Fritz took out a pair of rubber gloves and peaked under the tarp. Whatever the mammal "was" once? He was now a half eaten mess...the lower half that is...and to make it even more sick? His "package" was missing?

"Wow?" Fritz said as he backed from the car door. "Some "Tute" wasn't exactly satisfied with the customer? The plates?" Fritz asked about the car's license plates.

"Fakes." Merkhorn replied. "Not in the system, which means this was a "push cart" for dopers. We found no smacks in the car....yet. Gary and Larry at Narco were called."

"Good." Fritz replied as he looked under the tarp again. "Who ever did this not only took the poor guy's junk but his tail too. We'll have to run DNA and match the database."

David came up to the car, after wandering away, with something wrapped in a small plastic bag. "No we don't. Obviously in taking his wallet? This dropped out. Because the poor guy was killed at night on a street with almost no lamp posts? The killer didn't see this fall out."

Fritz nodded his head impressed. "Well you are a steel eyed missile mammal!"

"I'm a cheetah. We have excellent eye skills." David replied proudly as he tapped his furry head.

Fritz and Merkhorn studied the card. "Expired driver's license. Christiano Machi....was a ferret." Merkhorn said as he looked at the car.

Fritz pulled out his smart phone then patted David on the shoulder. "Go get the digi-cam from the car and start taking pictures before we go through the inside."

"Got it." David replied as Fritz tapped the phone.

"Prink One? This is Inspector Seventy One on the scene of the homicide at the corner of Brent and Akerman in Cactus Grove. Have preliminary identification on the deceased, I need a background sent to my phone if one pops up Benji."

"Name?" Clawhauser replied.

" Christiano Machi. Species Ferret. Expired drivers license says he was brown and black fur with a blonde tuft. Age 22. The plates are fakes of course." Fritz walked around the car looking at the ground..."You've been looking around John?"

Markhord replied. "Only around the immediate vicinity of the car."

David walked up to Merkhorn and pointed to the car. "Can you take up the tarp so I can get some pictures?"

Fritz walked carefully around the front of the two warehouse buildings where the car was parked in front off and regarded the dirt and weed ground surfaces carefully. He turned to where Nick Wilde was standing and called him to come over..."

"Nick? I need a second set of eyes to scan around here. I don't see any footprints but my partner picked up a dropped drivers license from the deceased in that alley between the buildings."

Nick got down on all fours and slowly scanned the ground with his eyes and took just enough scents into his nose without disturbing the ground which might hold potential evidence. He stopped short of the alley and shook his head....

"Nothing Fritz. I smell nothing." Nick said as he stood up. "Possible the killer was a winged marsupial. Flying foxes are big enough to do some damage?"

Fritz pointed to the car. "Could a flying fox eat half a poor Ferret and mess him up the way that one was done?"

"That's....a good point." Nick said as he shrugged. "I honestly have no idea what it could have been. Between the two buildings is this messed up wooden fence. A rodent could have scaled it but....rodents don't eat Ferrets and probably wouldn't survive an encounter. A mammal like a fox or larger would have had a bad time trying to walk on it...probably fall over and bust their tail bones. As for birds? Terradacht-types are extinct and birds wouldn't bother with the fence. Probably the killer had....balloons tied to his butt."

"Your creative deductive reasoning is astounding Nick." Fritz said sarcastically.

"Well come one mister homicide inspector, you're the one with the training for deduction, I'm just a monkey on a beat ok? Now why the hell did I compare myself to a monkey...see what you did Fritz? You made me insult my tail." Nick tucked his tail under his legs and talked to it like he just mouth whipped his girl friend...which made David take notice as he took pictures of the car...

"HEY! GET A ROOM YOU TWO! I swear you foxes and your tails, so emo-lee gay way."

"Hey! Conversation A and B so butt out there C-wad!" Nick snapped back.

Fritz walked back to the victims car and stopped when his phone chime went off and he got the file message from Clawhauser. "David? I have the background on Machi."

Fritz popped the stand behind his phone and put it on the car roof for him and David to look at together....

"Five priors for narcotics transport." David said as he brushed a paw over the screen. "Known mid level dealer for the Winter Hill gang. Now why the hell would you name your gang "Winter Hill" In Sahara Central? Why not "Sand Village" or "Sand people" or something close to geographically correct?"

"Catharsis causer." Fritz snickered. "Ok....so John Q Machi here decided to get himself some tail and ends up getting mauled by the "toot". Well make sure in this case that we can't find any other causes such as a contract hit and process this as a funny boy looking for some strange who got his strange stolen and his entrails digested."

David shook his head. "Sir? That wasn't very professional."

"I'm not in this line of work to obtain style points." Fritz said. "Get the Mint under your snoot and let's sweep the inside for more clues."

11:45am Sahara Square

The sound of "Carnivore Love" from "Two Hump Shagerrr" filled the car as David finished the basic report on the homicide and sent it by e-mail to the main office. "Sent." David said as he watched the file transfer then closed the cover of his small department tablet. "Can you imagine the old days? How slow things were twenty years ago to get reports processed?"

"I am that old you young cuss." Fritz said smirking. "How about lunch? I know a restaurant not far from here that makes excellent feline based salad. I'll spot for you."

"You don't have to do that Fritz!" David replied. "I should spot you since you gave me the opportunity to come to homicide to begin with."

Suddenly the radio cracked from Headquarters. "Inspector Seventy One? Headquarters calling...answer up?" Clawhauser's voice spoke.

"Headquarters this is seventy one answering up? What you got Benny?" Fritz replied.

"See officers on the scene at 182 Dune Ave in Baobob Sahara Central. Description matches the same scene you just left. One scene officer is Officer Wolford."

David slapped the "Bubble gum" light on the car as Fritz whipped a 180 and hit the siren! "So much for one hit wonders." Fritz snorted as they raced for Sahara Central.

12:13pm 182 Dune Ave in Baobob district, Sahara Central.

Fritz and David slipped from their car and met Officer Wolford (Timber Wolf) at the door to the apartment building at 182 Dune Ave.

"We just came from a stiff in Sahara Square and Benji said this matches that homicide. What do we got?" Fritz asked.

"Benji didn't give you the whole story then. Yeah some of it matches that but this is a freak show. We have four victims and that's all I can say. This makes Michael-angel-sloth's magnificent David the Lion King a Clawmark Special price wise."

Wolford led David and Fritz to the room door. "Hope you got strong stomachs?" He said as he opened the door to a horror show...

David's maw dropped...."Holy....Frack and shat."

Fritz slowly entered the room and looked at the various victims...all big March hares and all of them frozen in horrid last moments of death...

"The uh....proprietor said he heard screaming then gun shots and then nothing. It happened quick and brutal. He didn't dare come up to see what was happening because of the shooting. From what I gather? These "Hop a long cas-a-dees" were having themselves a sex romp and it turned into a sex stomp."

Fritz turned his head away from one of the deceased. He still had his gun in his hand but it probably never got used...the trauma of your tale hole being suddenly stretched and torn on the bulb of a bed post probably killed the hare outright.

Another was obviously the first intended victim. His body from chest down was gone. Another had his brains painted over a wall where he fell. Another one hung from the ceiling fan with his privates ripped off. As expected....all the wallets were gone...

David patted Fritz back. "I'm....going to go walking like the last time before we process the scene"

Fritz caught David by an arm. "If you do? Go to the car, pull the shot gun and load lethal rounds. Take it with you?"

"Ok." David replied smartly as he walked out of the room. Fritz then put on rubber gloves and took pictures of places he had to disturb with his cell phone camera. He found a few small baggies torn up here and there indicating the hare's were high as a kite. One bag still had the scent of Midnicampum holicithias plant, the dreaded "Knight Howler" which had gained a reputation for being a sex hype agent as well as one that brought on savageness syndrome.

Fritz bent down before the remains of the first poor sap, mister "half and half breakfast nook" and carefully looked over the end of his carcass. "No predator cat or canine did this." Fritz said to wolford.

"Wild dogs can do it." Wolford said with a snarl. "Wild dogs have no table manors at all."

"There's no evidence of the ripping and tearing you'd get from teeth." Fritz said as he reached into his process kit and pulled out a swab and bag collection kit. "I'll take samples of the end here and see what DNA can pull up. I'll tell you right now? If this is a "toot" (prostitute) he or she is swift as lightning and limber as all get out. She or he slaughtered these guys before they got past two shots on their pistols. And she or he probably managed to use their own guns against them."

David returned from his walk with the shotgun slung behind his back. "Nothing from just the rough sketch around the building."

Fritz pointed. "David? Pick up the head of "bunny on a stick" here so I can send his mug to Benny?"

"Wow....you don't have any respect for the dead do you?" David replied as he carefully lifted the head of the brutally sodomized rabbit.

"They were all up here to have a sexual freak show and got themselves cancel stamped from life. We're not talking about a bunch of executives from "Microsloth" here Dave." Fritz took the pictures and sent them from his phone. "Go get the big case from the trunk and let's get to work. We'll probably have to run back to HQ to restock after this is processed."

Wolford stood resting against the edge of the door jam entry into the apartment. "So you probably think this is going to be tied to the other one you looked at earlier?"

Fritz walked back over to "Bunny on a stick" and lifted up his paw to show off a ring. "The Playboy Bunnies" of Central. Want to be a whole crop of soldiers just got Darwin'd? Their Chief rabbit Woundwart is not going to be a happy Don," Fritz snorted. "Dave? Get the rest of their faces on camera and forward them." Fritz told David as he walked out of the apartment.

"STOP! POLICE! STOP OR I'LL SHOOT!" Came a scream from the stairs down the hallway as a small group of rabbits came tearing from the door to the stair case and came running towards the crime scene room. Fritz pulled his magnum and made sure they stopped as he aimed the cannon right in the face of the obvious leader....

(Camio) Bugs Bunny, Lieutenant to "Woundwart" (Watership Down) the Don of the Playboy Bunnies crime syndicate in Sahara Central.

"Bugs? When the police tell you to stop? Make sure you fricken stop?" Fritz snarled.

Bugs pulled a carrot from his pants pocket and started gnawing on it...."Look "ear" you pussy foot....and I'm exaggerating the pussy for a reason."

The punk hares behind bugs all snickered.

"We heard some of our bro's were taken out and we got a right to pay our respects." Bugs demanded.

"Well...." Fritz snorted back. "How courteous and concerning of you to want to dignify your fellow cotton tailed dirt bag associates who were probably having a homosexual rampage and pissed off their cotton tailed drag queen. Wonder what the Don will do when that expos-say is plastered all over the newspapers? Not that it doesn't make a difference since all you degenerate disgraces to bunnies everywhere wouldn't give any dignity to an Easter egg cart at a gay fur celebration. Now if I were you Bugs? I would turn around and go back home before I split your hairs in half. And guess what? This isn't cartoon land you stupid fuck nut. When I pull this trigger? Death is a permanent asurity and you won't be laughing."

Bugs frowned at Fritz. "One day "Hairy" you'll be in the wrong place at the wrong time...."

"Shut up and get to hopping. I'm starting to have trigger twitch." Fritz said as he tightened on his grip. David walked past the disgruntled rabbits as Fritz put the cannon back into the holster.

"Your diplomacy sucks." David said smirking.

"Shut up and get to work before I dock your pay?" Fritz replied as he followed David back to the room. "Something tells me? This is just the start of our fun."

End of part 2