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Eli never sent his apology.

The thought hovered over his head as soon as he awoke the next morning, already putting him into a bad mood. It had been there lurking in the back of his thoughts for most of the night, instilling that restless itch in his arm - I could just reach over to the nightstand, grab my phone, and pump it out - but then he just... never did it.

He had thought about it, sure. It had lingered there throughout the afternoon and evening, always in place, always poking at and bothering him. The wild dog had come up with seven different ways to start that apology and five to end it, but had never been able to develop just what he would say in between those two parts. Everything from his past break-ups with Marlin came rushing back to him, even though he and Lynn hadn't been together and they hadn't broken up:

I know what I did wrong. That's obvious. I know where I fucked up and how I did it. Don't give a reason for why I did it, since the reason doesn't matter. I should have paid more attention to her and what she wanted. I was being selfish and stupid, just like always. It was my fault. Again.

It was Friday morning, and he hardly had the energy to pull himself out of bed. For once his alarm hadn't awoken the wild dog, but after stirring uncomfortably around beneath the covers he realized that he was actually alone in the bed. After a moment he sighed, sat up, swallowed back the sticky drool of uneasy sleep, and looked around. The sheets on Marlin's side of the bed had been thrown back, his phone was gone from his nightstand, the bathroom light was off, he couldn't taste any lingering steam from a shower on the air.

More curious than anything, Eli padded down the short hallway towards the main area of the apartment, clad in his boxers and nothing more. A few blinks of that damn dream he'd had last night flicked through his memory, making him growl to himself and shift his underwear on his waist. Just a dream, though. Lynn had implied and_teased_ a couple times that she would gladly dig her tongue under his tail like she'd done into his sheath, but it hadn't happened so far, and if things continued down the path he'd sent them, it wouldn't.

Halfway down the hall, Eli stopped in the middle of rubbing the heel of his paw into his eye still cloudy with sleep. Smelled like... like food, like eggs and bacon and maybe a little bit of cheese. Frowning, he thought about that for a moment and continued, and then to his surprise found Marlin standing there behind the counter. The fox were a pair of well-fitting blue jeans but no shirt, a bold choice if he were actually cooking bacon, and seemed so busy in making breakfast that he didn't notice he was being watched until he turned to slide it off the pan and onto a plate. Then he jumped a little and chuckled softly.

"Oh! Morning, Eli. It's a bit early, yeah, I know - normally I'd be off today, but I gotta go in to make up a shift, and..." He shrugged his broad shoulders.

Eli looked around. On the counter sat the box of individually-wrapped, premade frozen egg-and-sausage sandwiches that he had bought at the store during the week. "What's the occasion?" he said, eyes falling on the plate. Sure enough one of those sandwiches sat there, slightly disheveled and looking a bit moist from its brief stay in the freezer, with two strips of firm bacon sitting beside it. "You're actually being responsible for once."

The fox laughed again, moving to put the pan back onto the stove, then lifted the plate to bring it over to the table. One already sat there, this one with three strips of bacon. "Well..." He pulled out one of the chairs and slid down into it, lounging easily to the side so that he could still watch the wild dog. "You seem like you've been... a bit down all week, so I thought I'd do something for you.

"Thanks, I guess." This time Eli did not permit his eyes to linger on that soft-furred, smooth-muscled chest, or that Marlin had left the button of his fly maybe intentionally undone. He came forward, stood there for a second, then pulled the other chair out with his foot and sat down. The smell made his nose wrinkle. But you forgot that sausage literally makes me puke. I got these sandwiches because I sure as hell wasn't going to cook for you.

Marlin maintained his grin for a moment longer, then coughed and turned to dig into his own. He reached forward, took a bit of his sandwich, sat back. "And, y'know..." With his mouth still full, he shrugged. "Something else, too."

At least the bacon was alright. Eli held it up to the light to see how much flop remained in it. "What?"

"Well..." Another shrug out of the corner of his eye. "Late last night you were all... bonin' up and grinding and shit, so I just... lent you a hand."

Oh God.

"And, y'know, a mouth. Never heard you moan in your sleep like that. It was really hot." The fox took another bite, pushing it into his cheek so he could continue speaking. "I had a hell of a hard time keeping myself from hiking your ass into the air and going to town. I did roll you onto your belly, though, so I could get into all your good spots with my tongue..."

You did what? The bacon in his mouth suddenly turned to char, dry and powdery and tasteless. Eli forced himself to swallow it. Not only did you not ask, but I wasn't even conscious for it? "Well, I'm..." He swallowed again. "I'm glad you didn't."

In that instant all of the fox's lighthearted humor was gone. He rolled his eyes and sighed, planting his fist on the table hard enough to make his plate bounce. "Okay. What's your problem? You're never this much of an asshole, and this has been going on all week."

"Gosh." Eli sat back, crossing his arms in front of his chest. The taste of the almost-burnt bacon put a tickle in the back of his throat, though he ignored it. "Look at you. Making breakfast and deciding to communicate, all in one day. This is the first time _you've_ever been the one to ask to talk about our problems."

"Not our problems." Marlin grabbed his glass of water and, with it in his paw, pointed an accusatory finger at Eli. "Your problem. I can't make it better if I don't know what it is. I want to make it better; that's what boyfriends do, right?" He took a sip, swallowed, sat back again. His bushy tail flicked back and forth behind him through the space in the back of the chair. "They don't act like awful to each other without letting them know why."

Eli stared Marlin down until the fox met his eyes. All those years of shame and discontent, of worry and anxiousness from knowing - from feeling - that he himself was the problem, and that most, if not all, of their issues came from him... "It's our problem because you're the problem."

"Excuse me?"

"Look - I haven't told you about much of it since I know how you'll react, and I don't want to deal with that, but - I don't think we should be together. I fucked up, real bad, and now I've finally got some hindsight, and, just..." The wild dog bumped his head back against the chair, welcoming the slight stinging pain that that brought. His heart pounded in his chest already, and his legs, his entire body, vibrated with nervous energy as if to make him stand up and run away. "Ugh."

"What are you talking about? I'm the problem?" It seemed as though Marlin suddenly forgot his food. He straightened up in his seat and leaned towards Eli. "You're the one being a shitbag."

"You've been a shitbag for the past six years! I thought you were a good boyfriend at first, and even though literally all of my friends in high school-" Marlin started saying something then, but Eli just sharpened his gaze and heightened his voice. "-told me otherwise, I wouldn't believe them because I thought I was happy. I thought that you and I were perfect."

Marlin held his arms out, motioning to the apartment. "Every time we break up, we just keep comin' back together. Like fuckin' magnets. That's gotta say something."

"Yeah. It says I'm an idiot." Unable to ignore the anxious energy pulsing through him, Eli stood up and started pacing, not caring about the way the chair scraped loudly across the floor. "I've been - spending a lot of time with someone, someone new, and I... I fucked up real, real bad with her, and..." Then, nearly all of the anger he had directed so carefully towards Marlin reversed and came back in on himself. Eli sniffed, swallowed, reached up to rub at his eye again, had to bring his other paw up for the other. He squeezed his lips together to keep them from trembling, swallowed again, let out a shuddering breath. The words just tumbled out, feeling foreign yet familiar at the same time. "I love her. A whole lot. And it feels... different. It feels so good with her. Nothing I've ever felt before."

"Oh my God." He didn't have to look to see Marlin's exaggerated eye-roll and full-body slump. "That - female thing? I thought that was just a fling."

Eli faced him again. It felt like Sunday all over again. "I did too!" Did I? Did I hope it was? Did I ever actually believe that?

_ _

Did I ever want it to be just a fling?

_ _

"Well, Eli-" Marlin braced his paws on the table to pull himself up, too. Eli instinctively took a half-step back. "At least just fuckin' tell me, then. What do you want? What do you need from me?"

"Look." This time Lynn reached forward to lightly entwine her fingers with his, right there across the diner table. She looked fantastic in the midmorning light coming in through the window, tinted by the daily-deal advertisement the shop had pasted to the glass: her expression still bore the weight of sleepiness, but even so, her eyes shone through and looked upon Eli with the same warmth and affection that had become so familiar in them. The sparkle and expectation. She had brushed her mane only once this morning, and had asked him to get it along her lower back and tail, and the slightly-unkempt look of it coming out from beneath the collar of her shirt... it was perfect. "The worst part about ending one of these relationships is that your mind wants to go on autopilot."

_ _

Eli nodded, sitting back against the firm cushion. At least this wasn't one of the places that padded their booths in hard plastic that only looked like it was supposed to be soft. "Yeah," he said, then took an exploratory sip of his drink. Really, it was still too hot to be drinking hot chocolate in the morning, but he just had never gotten a taste for coffee. "I noticed that that seems to be the trend. I've been, like... trying to go back to things that are familiar, not because they're better but just because they're what I'm used to."

_ _

"Yeah." Underneath the table Lynn brushed her footpaws against his again. It still made him squirm, and sometimes put a blush on his face and a heat in his loins, but this time the touch was sweet, soft, comforting. Affectionate. Her fingers tightened on his. "It's things like... like you've always been the one to apologize in the past. You've always made sure everything's okay, always kept contact open even though you know you should just block him and move on. But, Eli, you don't need - you don't need to do any of that. You know? You shouldn't. You don't owe him anything. Not your time, not an explanation, not even an apology. Your happiness is your own business, and if he's not helping that, you don't need to keep him around."

_ _

She smiled, then, and their little booth felt a little brighter. Eli returned the smile without even knowing it at first. It just felt so natural, so easy. So right. Comfortable strength in that smile and those eyes, the power that came from struggling and enduring and succeeding.

_ _

"He needs to understand that." The hyena gave his paw a squeeze and then released it so that she could take another sip of her own drink. The sudden emptiness made his fingerpads tingle, already missing the touch. "But more importantly, you need to understand it, too."

_ _

Eli took another moment to wipe the fog out of his eyes. Marlin stood there, still watching him, disbelief still blanketing his face. "I need someone else."

That disbelief sharpened and took on a note of anger, or frustration. "More than me? You've been _begging_me to get back together since we broke up!"

"Yeah, and I regret that now! So-" His voice caught in his throat. "-so imagine how she makes me feel!"

The silence afterwards felt stronger, louder, more present than anything they had experienced before. Eli knew what went through Marlin's head, since the same thing coursed through his own: I can't believe it. I've never talked to him like this before. It's always been, I'm the one apologizing and begging forgiveness. Or I voice my problems, he said "oh don't worry about it" or "that's not a big deal" or he makes a fuckin' joke, and I accept it, and - and then everything goes back to normal within the week, as if I never brought it up.

"You're not..." Marlin strode over to the counter, lifted the pan he'd cooked the bacon in, set it back down, looked around for something else to do. Anything else. Eli felt some small satisfaction for knowing he'd managed to put the fox in this place - and then, instantly, guilt for feeling satisfied. "Upset about what I said about you playing around with a female, right?"

"I..." The wild dog frowned. "What?"

"The - the brushing your teeth thing. Because, like... you know I was joking about all that. Right?"

For some reason that brought all of that anger bubbling back. Eli threw his arms into the air and bustled over to the table, swiped up his nearly untouched breakfast, tossed the plate into the sink from across the counter - and didn't care when it shattered. Marlin, however, jumped back a little bit.

"Are you going anywhere today?"

The fox looked confused for a moment, eyes flicking back and forth between the broken plate and the wild dog. "I... yeah, I said I have that - that make-up shift in, like, half an hour... why?"

"I need to... to relax." Eli scrubbed his paw back across his forehead, trying not to show that his entire body felt like shaking. You don't owe him anything. Not your time, not an explanation, not an apology. You need to understand that. "I'll do some cleaning up while you're gone."

"It's Friday. Don't you work today?"

A shrug. Technically not a lie - already Eli planned to call in. Unlike some people, I've got a pretty damn good attendance record. The two remained watching each other silently for a moment, predators on the verge of attack with just a thin glass observation window separating them. Eli spent that long half hour in the shower and getting himself ready for the day ahead, still forcibly keeping his thoughts away from what all had happened this week and the message he still needed to send - and when Marlin tried to lean in for a kiss before leaving, the wild dog dodged it, muttered a "bye", and disappeared back into the bedroom to make his call. A moment later he heard the sound of the front door opening and then closing.

Finally alone, the wild dog breathed in, held it, let it slowly out, and then did so again to a count of ten. Then he stood up from where he'd sprawled uselessly out across the bed, wiped at his eyes one more time, swallowed, and started looking around the apartment for the things he could easily take back home.

~ ~ ~

~angrysmalls [9:07 PM]: so me and Jen broke up

_ _

~stripesandhypes [9:12 PM]: holy shit

~stripesandhypes [9:12 PM]: are you ok?

~angrysmalls [9:14 PM]: I'll be fine :') don't worry too much

~stripesandhypes [9:15 PM]: what happened?

~angrysmalls [9:15 PM]: heh

~angrysmalls [9:16 PM]: would you believe that she got upset about the pics thing

~stripesandhypes [9:16 PM]: what?

~angrysmalls [9:16 PM]: yeah like

~angrysmalls [9:17 PM]: said that she wasn't ok with me having a lady friend who's ok with sending me nudes and shit

_ _

~stripesandhypes [9:21 PM]: what the fuck

~stripesandhypes [9:21 PM]: that's bullshit

~angrysmalls [9:21 PM]: Yeah that's what I said

~stripesandhypes [9:22 PM]: like I made sure that she knew and was okay with it

~angrysmalls [9:22 PM]: yeah I know, I asked her two separate times and she said yeah

~angrysmalls [9:22 PM]: so like

~angrysmalls [9:22 PM]: ??¿?

_ _

~stripesandhypes [9:29 PM]: shit :( I'm sorry man

~stripesandhypes [9:29 PM]: also sorry I'm getting some last minute studying in

~angrysmalls [9:30 PM]: ah yeh

~angrysmalls [9:30 PM]: like we've been having some fights before and there's been a bit of tension this past month or two so like

~angrysmalls [9:30 PM]: it didn't come as too much of a surprise

~angrysmalls [9:31 PM]: I'm lowkey glad she was the one to do it, tho, yknow?

~angrysmalls [9:31 PM]: like I don't think I would've had the courage to break things off

~angrysmalls [9:31 PM]: anyway

~angrysmalls [9:32 PM]: how many exams you got left?

~stripesandhypes [9:34 PM]: just ooooone, thank god

~stripesandhypes [9:34 PM]: on a fuckin Saturday though

_ _

~angrysmalls [9:37 PM]: hahah get fucked

~angrysmalls [9:37 PM]: guess we're both unlucky huh

~angrysmalls [9:37 PM]: oh that reminds me

~angrysmalls [9:38 PM]: you still going through with the move and transfer after the semester?

~stripesandhypes [9:41 PM]: Yeah

~stripesandhypes [9:41 PM]: I mean some things have changed and plans have shifted a bit, but yeah, that's still ultimately the goal

~angrysmalls [9:42 PM]: you and your boy doing alright? you told me that yall had a fight earlier in the week but nothing else

~angrysmalls [9:42 PM]: and I haven't asked

_ _

It was my fault. I didn't outline our boundaries clearly enough. I wasn't everything he wanted or needed me to be. It was just... all kinds of a fuckin' mess. I didn't push him hard enough, or maybe I pushed him too hard - and I made him uncomfortable, and ended up pushing him away, and I lashed out, and he retaliated, and I-

_ _

Stop. Quit it. Breathe in... and breathe out. Just like you taught yourself.

_ _

You're stronger than this, Lynn.

_ _

~stripesandhypes is typing...