The ARCTIC WOLF 451 RADIO SHOW!
Disclaimer: The viewpoints in this story [If you can call it that] are made entirely for entertainment purposes and do not in any way represent the actual viewpoints of the people presenting them. Also, I use a LOT of potentially copyrighted names and crap here, soooooooooooo, yeah. Free advertising for you if you happen to own this stuff. ^-^ But yeah, I'll censor it out if you wanna be a crybaby bitch about it just cause I didn't pay you for it. >.>
Note: This is not an RP in the guise of a story; it's a script of multiple actors talking. So get over it if it's not in a typical paragraph format. Also this is a parody of various radio talk show programs most of you ignorant bastards don't listen to, so if you don't understand the broad joke I'm trying to do, then you'll probably understand the culture and other neo-political references I make.
Radio Announcer- Live, from his den in sunny, southeast Atlanta, it's the Arctic Wolf 451 Radio Show!
Cue applause track and opening theme
Arctic- Hums along with the music for a couple of seconds Good afternoon everyone, I'm Arctic Wolf, as you know. Being allowed to have more fun than a fur should be allowed to have, and broadcasting with talent on loan from God....and the Peach Tree Broadcasting Corporation since we just got bought out, the bastards cough Moving on! Today we introduce my politically neutral co-host in a vain attempt to win listeners over from the political left mutters something to the side of the microphone. Please welcome my good friend, InnerFurry.
Inner- Hey all, good to be here and...
Arctic- Yeah yeah, hold on my theme music is still playing.
Inner- So?
Arctic- So shut up so I can listen to it while reading off a list of our sponsors.
Inner- >.<
Arctic- Today's show is brought to you by the new Microsoft Xbox 360. Here today. Ready for tomorrow. And also by AT&T. We made Apple our bitch, and soon you'll be ours too.
Inner- I don't think that's AT&T's slogan...
Arctic- And as you all know, today is open line Friday. hits button cueing announcer
Annoucers- LIVE, from Midtown Atlanta, it's OPEN LINE...FRIIIDAAAAY!
Inner- God that is the stupidest announcement I've ever heard.
Arctic- And your ex-wife is the stupidest thing you ever boned. Shut up with the commentary.
Inner- >:O
Arctic- That's right folks, as you know I take the biggest ratings boosting career risk a talk show host can take by opening up the phone lines to you so you all can call in and talk about the issues concerning you. So feel free to call in; our number is 706-994-0462. That's 706-994-0462.
Cuts theme music
Arctic- Okay, so time to get down to business. It's day 153 of the Gulf Oil Spill and so far BP has realized that maybe safety regulations are there for a reason, and having 760 violations is something to be concerned about.
Inner- Also we discuss the continued debate on the Army's "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy, and whether or not we need something like that for congress since the debate has essentially devolved into a circle jerk headed to the middle of nowhere.
Arctic- Haha, indeed. Ahh, and we have our first caller. Go ahead sir, you're on the Arctic Wolf Radio Program.
Sylvr- Uhh hi, my name's James. I wanted to know what you thought about the Gulf oil spill and how you thought we should have cleaned it up.
Arctic- That is a good question sir, very good. The first thing to remember, though, is that this spill is not America's fault. It's BP's; a stateless, corporate entity with infinitely deep pockets that we can dip into with lawsuits and fraudulent damage claims.
Sylvr- Umm, right. Want I want to know though, is how the hell do we clean this mess up? I mean over 7,650,000 barrels of oil have spilt into the gulf, and there's oil still leaking. What are we gonna do? I mean I've been stuck down here in Louisiana scrapping this black s**t off of the beach for seven weeks straight and I'm getting sick and damn tired of it.
Inner- First of all, thank you for all the hard work you and your fellow workers are doing. It's greatly appreciated. Second, if we're going to stop this leak from spilling any more, we need to drill an auxiliary pipeline and start siphoning off the oil to take off some of the pressure and reduce the current flow of oil coming out.
Sylvr- Didn't they try that already?
Inner- No, they just dumped bales of hay, and gallons of Dawn soap into the ocean to disperse the oil on the surface. Oh, and then there was that thing with the robot that just ended up being a huge failure.
Arctic- If you ask me we're looking at this disaster from the wrong way.
Sylvr- Oh yeah? What would you do?
Arctic- Nothing.
Sylvr- Excuse me?
Arctic- You heard me. Nothing. At least, nothing for now. That leak is 5,000 feet below the ocean. Do you really think we have any idea on how to stop it when the lowest we've usually drilled is only 500 feet?
Sylvr- Uhhhhh....
Arctic- Exactly! No one knows how to fix this. So we have to use some good old American ingenuity and make lemonade now that life has given us lemons.
Sylvr- I don't really see how that's possible. I mean you're talking about some seriously oil covered lemons, man.
Arctic- No you ignorant f**k, you have to wash the lemons off first. Gawd.
Inner- Seriously Arctic, how the hell do we stop this thing from flowing?
Arctic- Well first we monitor how much oil has been spilling out of the well. Then we wait until there is more oil in the gulf than there is water. At that exact moment, we throw a phosphorus road flare into the gulf and set it on fire.
Sylvr- ......you're kidding me?
Arctic- Hell no! Now, with this fire, you'll instantly cook every fish in the gulf, and every out of work fisherman in the gulf states can then get back to work harvesting flash fried shrimp and dolphins like they used to, minus the pre-cooked convenience. Also, since we're gonna set the world record for "Biggest Fish Fry, EVER," other countries will start to respect us more and give us free money like they did back in the 1920's after we bailed Europe out in WWI.
Inner- ...........you know that's not really that bad of a plan.
Sylvr- Are you f***ing kidding me!?! It's a great plan! But wait, that means I'll just have to keep cleaning off the beaches until we get enough oil in the gulf.
Arctic- Nah, just go on strike like every other one of those liberal ass labor unions. That way you get to keep your job while also not doing it. Then when we get enough oil you can go back to work and just push all the tar balls that washed ashore into the fire and get the beach all clean at once. None of this cleaning it every f*ing day st. I mean since when did you become the beach's housewife?
Sylvr- You're right! Thanks Arctic, God bless yah. Hangs up
Arctic- Yeah, He already has by not sticking me with Inner's ex-bitch cough I mean wife.
Inner- Hey!
Arctic- Hey is right, as we just got a new caller! Go ahead, sir.
Yukigo Kurosaki- Hi my name is Daniel, and I have a question about your solution to the gulf oil spill.
Arctic- Ah, very good. Fire away.
Yuki- Yeah umm, wouldn't setting the gulf on fire like, create this colossal cloud of smoke that would black out the sun for a few days or something?
Arctic- Hmmm, yeah probably. The good news is most of it would blow west over Mexico, and since their air is already like that they probably wouldn't notice.
Yuki- Okay, well what about the impact on the environment?
Arctic- Iiiiiiiiiii'm not quite following you. What impact? This is the solution to an environmental disaster, remember?
Yuki- Yeah, but that much carbon in the atmosphere would send global warming into overdrive, would it not.
Arctic- ...........long, painful sigh Ooooooooooohhhhhhh gawd. Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to give me a minute to discern on how to tell you you're a complete moron and have fallen for the biggest marketing scam in the history of mankind, without making it sounding like I'm insulting you.
Yuki- Say what?
Arctic- Luke, please explain to Mr. Daniel here on what he has fallen for.
Inner- Why me?
Arctic- Cause I'm trying to avoid going all Glenn Beck on him. 'cause as much of a ratings boost as that would be, the FCC is all up my @$$ and I can't risk getting my license revoked. Again.
Inner- Fine, alright.
Yuki- Will you two stopping jerking off and just answer the question already?
Inner- Sir, first I must correct you. Only Arctic is jerking off. I on the other hand am just eating some chocolate graham crackers and Doritos. Now, about global warming. What do you think it is?
Yuki- Uhhh, the collection of carbon gasses in our atmosphere causing the earth to trap heat, thus melting the polar ice caps and filling the ocean with freshwater. This in turn will cause the north Atlantic current to stop and the U.S. and Europe will freeze over. Am I right?
Inner- A complete moron maybe. Right? Nuh-hoooooo, not at all.
Yuki- Oh yeah, then how do you account for the evidence?
Inner- Like what?
Yuki- Like the current temperature measurements that show our earth's temperature is rising, or Al Gore's hockey stick chart that shows the jump in carbon gasses in our atmosphere.
Inner- Oiiiiii......
Arctic- Okay, first of all you're listening to Al f**king Gore. I don't know what your mom drank while she was packing you in her baby cannon, but all I know is that it was something that could knock out an elephant in two shots.
Yuki- F**k you dude, you don't talk about my mom like that!
Arctic- I just did. Now, to answer your question about that evidence. You realize that global warming is the biggest marketing scam since duty free shops at airports right?
Yuki- How is our earth turning into a raging inferno a marketing scam?
Arctic- Because our earth isn't getting warmer! At least, not any warmer than it has been. The earth's temperature fluctuates over time, just like how when Tamera is in heat she can be a little pouty. Or a complete bitch.
Yuki- You motherf**ker!!!!!! That's it, I'm coming to Atlanta to kick your ass!
Arctic- Pff, yeah good luck with that. With all the black people we have down here you wouldn't last five seconds.
Inner- Exactly. Blue foxes are about as common as a straight guy in a French clown college. You'd stand out the second you got off the boat.
Arctic- Plane.
Inner- Whatever. You get the idea.
Yuki- Shut up, both of you! Gawd, all you southerners are a bunch of racist a**holes.
Inner- Actually I'm from Kansas.
Arctic- That, although those guys could be racist too when they wanted.
Inner- Yeeh Yeeh! Gives Arctic high five
Arctic- Besides, a little known fact is that Georgia was the first state to ban the importation of slaves. Now, technically slavery was still legal, but we were nowhere near as bad as Louisiana or Mississippi.
Yuki- Oh yeah, and how's that?
Arctic- Because we realized that slavery is the dumbest thing ever. All you need to do is get two million black people in one place and provide them with enough drugs, guns, and alcohol and put them between you and whoever's trying to kill you and BAM! You're invincible because when they're not busy writing the world's shittiest music genre, they're busy dealing crack or killing crackers from yankee states.
Inner- I know right? Plus there's that whole murder rate where five to ten people die in this city every day. So Mr. Daniel, I'd suggest you and your underage tail stay in New York.
Yuki- I'm not underage!
Inner- In Georgia maybe. God, I am loving this sixteen year old age of consent down here.
Arctic- Hell yeah! But now to finally debunk Global Warming. Have you ever noticed how expensive all this so called "Green" merchandise is? Hybrid cars, solar panels, those stupid curly light bulbs that have mercury in them so if you break them you might end up killing yourself, the list goes on and on. And all these things are supposed to save the planet, while the cheaper sedans, coal and oil power plants, and regular light bulbs all cost a lot less. Why is that? You'd think they'd figure out a way to make those things cheap so we'd all have an incentive to save the planet right?
Yuki- Well...
Arctic- WRONG! God, I love that part from Superman Returns.
Inner- I know right?
Arctic- You see, we're all supposed to feel guilty that the earth is going to die in a few years unless we do something, so all these companies came out and started making green products to help. The reality is, the people making the products are the ones telling us the world is going to end unless we do something.
Yuki- Bullsh**!
Arctic- Oh yeah? Look at Al Gore. He drives a limo, has a private jet, and lives in a 20,000 square foot home that uses up as much power in one that a 3,000 square foot home uses in a week.
Yuki- Okay, that is a little hypocritical but...
Arctic- And look at Laurie David! You know, Larry David's wife? She rides in a private jet that uses as much petroleum in one cross country flight that a H2 Hummer uses in a year! Now, both Al Gore and Laurie David claim to be "experts" on global warming, but both they both live in the lap of luxury while telling us that we need to drive crappy hybrid cars in order to save the earth!
Yuki- Those hybrids are not crappy!
Inner- Ummm, you know that the plant where they make the battery cells for those cars has no living thing, including plant life, within three miles of it right? NASA actually wanted to test the Mars rovers there because the soil was chemically similar to that of Mars. Now, I don't mean to sound like I'm taking Arctic's side here, but it seems to me like that's counterproductive in saving the earth.
Yuki- ..................................................okay maybe you do have a point.
Arctic- Good, so you agree with me?
Yuki- Not really, but I think I need to do some more research on this thing before actually developing an opinion on it.
Arctic- Whatever. Will you at least agree with me that you should go bang Tamera right now?
Yuki- Sure, why not.
Arctic- Atta boy; go get'em tiger!
Yuki- I'm a fox dumba**.
Arctic- Shut up and yiff your girlfriend!
Yuki- Hangs up
Arctic- Okaaaaaaayyyy, well that was one helluva call.
Inner- I'll say. Noiseally shakes bag of Doritos into his mouth Crunch, nom nom, crackle. Yoof knofe, thefe chits ark, life, orgasmiff. Gulps
Arctic- God dude, don't talk with your mouth full on the air. That's probably why your ex-bitch left you.
Inner- No, no! I left her! Not the other way around.
Arctic- Right right, after she tried to stab you in your junk with a fork after she came home drunk and caught you pawing off while watching Vixens Gone Wild on X-Tube?
Inner- No, that never happened!
Arctic- Oh right, that happened to Jacob Procter instead. I told that guy not to let his girlfriend go drinking alone with her college friends.
Inner- OMG that actually happened to someone?
Arctic- Yep. Isn't domestic violence great?
Inner- Hell yeah...'cept when it happens to you.
Arctic- Googles the incident involving Innerfurry Oh yeah!!!! Here we go. Your ex-bitch got arrested for three accounts of attempted murder, grand theft auto, arson, and....manslaughter?
Inner- ......sighs, yep.
Arctic- Oh hold on, we got a call! Yes sir, you are on the ArcticWolf451 show.
Strike Blackheart- Hi, I just overheard you guys talking about the case involving InnerFurry's wife and...
Inner- and it's none of your gotdang business!
Blackheart- Ummm, I was one of the cops that responded to it.
Arctic- So it IS your business then.
Blackheart- Exactly.
Arctic- Wait, aren't you Jake? I met with one of the cops while the paramedics pulled glass shards from Luke's back.
Blackheart- Yeah that's me. Anyway, for the listeners wondering what happened that night, InnerFurry came home to find his wife drunk out of her mind. She was also in the middle of her heat cycle, and so as a result she pounced Inner shortly after he entered the house.
Arctic- Annnnnnnd how does Luke getting laid lead to him almost getting killed?
Blackheart- Because two seconds after being tackled the tiger his wife was cheating with walked out of their bedroom.
Arctic- Oooooohhhh.
Blackheart- Anyway, Luke's ex-bitch wasn't trying to yiff him; she was trying to hide the truth from him. However he shoved her off and got into a big shouting match with her. So first she grabbed a kitchen knife and tried to stab him, but being drunk she ended up losing her grip and threw it at the tiger by mistake. So he ended up getting stabbed in the leg.
Arctic- Okay, and that was the first attempt, what was the second?
Blackheart- Well then she sobered up a bit and apologized to Luke and tried to play the stabbing as intentional. She then told Luke to help the tiger bandage his leg while she went off to fix some drinks so they could calmly talk about the whole adultery thing.
Inner- Oh god, please. Someone make him stop. Rests face in paws
Blackheart- As it turned out, she tried to poison Luke by putting anti-freeze in his beer. Fortunately for him anti-freeze has a sweet taste, so when mixed with beer it probably tasted like his wife's c**t during her period.
Arctic- OH! Burn.
Inner- Just shut up, please.
Arctic- Quiet Luke, our ratings are going through the roof!
Blackheart- So anyway Luke ended up spitting out the beer. When she realized that the poison didn't work, Luke's ex-bitch finally just smashed a beer bottle and tried to stab him in the back with the shards.
Arctic- Okay, so that's how he got the glass in his back?
Blackheart- Mostly. He stood up and tried to get away, but ended up tripping and falling through a window outside.
Arctic- Oooh, that's gotta suck.
Blackheart- Anyway, the tiger runs outside to try to calm her down, but she just shoves him aside and he ended up stepping on some of the broken glass and started hopping on one foot while trying to pick the pieces out of the sole of his foot. While doing so he hopped back into Luke's neighbor's fence and accidently opened the gate, releasing the neighbor's police quality German Shepherd attack dog that quickly got to work gnawing the tiger's arm off.
Inner- Haha, yeah that was actually pretty funny.
Blackheart- So anyway, Luke managed to get up and went over to try to pull the dog off the tiger so the tiger couldn't sue him for negligence.
Arctic- You can get sued for that?
Blackheart- Oh hell yeah. It's called the Good Samaritan Law. Look it up.
Arctic- Isn't that the thing that the New Yorker's made after that woman got shanked and everyone just stood around and watched?
Blackheart- Yup, that's it.
Arctic- Damn Yankees.
Blackheart- Indeed. So, as Luke was just pulling the dog off, his ex-bitch comes roaring out of the garage in Luke's Corvette and tries to run Luke over with the car.
Arctic- LoLs Oh god, so what happened?
Blackheart- Well, Luke was standing up and he and the dog managed to jump out of the way, but the tiger ended up getting hit and thrown onto the car's hood. Now, Luke's ex-bitch was still quite intoxicated, and she ended up swerving the car and crashed through the neighbor's sliding glass doors and ended up in their kitchen. Now, the tiger was thrown from the hood of the car and into some cabinets we believe...
Arctic- You believe? What does that mean?
Blackheart- Well since the house blew up we can't really know for sure...
Arctic- WHOA! It blew up? How the heck did that happen?
Blackheart- Well you see she hit the kitchen's gas stove and broke the gas line, and so the kitchen rapidly filled with gas. And so shortly after she put the car in reverse and pulled out of the house a short circuiting wire ignited the gas fumes and blew up most of the house.
Arctic- So that's how she got the arson and manslaughter charges right?
Blackheart- Exactly. Anyway, Luke had locked himself back inside his own house and called 911, so his bitch...sorry, ex-bitch just drove away and was picked up five minutes later by arriving cops.
Arctic- Haha, holy s*t that's awesome! *goes into fit of roaring laughter
Inner- Uuuuuuggghhhhh, god.
Blackheart- Anyway, that's about it. Keep up the good work you guys; I love this show.
Arctic- Thanks Jake, see you around.
Blackheart- Hangs up
Inner- Did you just HAVE to humiliate me on national radio Arctic?
Arctic- Yeah. I did.
Inner- Whyyyyyyyyy?
Arctic- For the ratings, duh.
Inner- Noms more Doritos Why do I have a feeling I'm gonna regret signing that three year contract with the station?
Arctic- Because you're their bitch now; like me.
Inner- Uuuuuuggghhhhhh, oh wait! New caller. Yes sir, you're on with us now.
Product59- Hey I'm Reuben, and I was just wondering what kind of Doritos Luke was eating?
Inner- Spicy Nacho my good man.
Product- Ahh, cool. Thanks bro. Hangs up
Arctic- That was his question?
Inner- .......apparently
Arctic- Ehh, never mind cause we have another caller. Go ahead, you're on the ArcticWolf show.
Indie lwl- Yeah, my name's Brandon, and I've been thinking, why do we have don't ask don't tell?
Inner- I believe it was so gays could join the military so long as they don't hit on anyone.
Indie- Yeah, and that was great and all 'cause straight guys didn't have to worry 'bout getting jumped in the shower, but serially, it's about time we upgrade it.
Arctic- Upgrade how.....you mean repeal it?
Indie- F**k no! I don't want some queer eyeballin' me. No, think about it...we should just have a separate branch for them.
Arctic- You mean a "Gay Army?"
Indie- Exactly!
Arctic- I don't know how well that'd sit with the rest of the world. I mean Muslim countries actually kill gays. Here we just make fun of them while secretly wishing we got as much tail as they do.
Inner- Yeah. Besides, think about it. We send them over to do peace keeping in Eastern Europe and whatever country gets them is gonna be all, "Oh my god, why do we get stuck with the gay ones?" We live in a very narrow minded and judgmental society and I don't think we're ready for that yet.
Indie- You two are totally missing the point! Have you ever noticed that gay guys are always ripped? That makes them perfect fighting material.
Arctic- Well, true...
Indie- Plus, they'd all be the perfect psychological weapon. I mean if your country got defeated by a gay army, you'd be the laughing stock of the world!
Arctic- Oh my god he's right! Think about it! If only we'd taken out the Russians with a gay army back at the end of WWII. We'd have skipped the cold war and communism would be dead because everyone would assume being socialist leads to getting butt raped by the Americans.
Indie- Precisely!
Inner- Dude, this is possibly the best idea we've had about gays since the day we labeled them faggots!
Arctic- ..........................
Indie- ...........................
Inner- What?
Arctic- You know we got that term from when we'd throw gays into a bonfire in the middle ages right?
Inner- Say what?
Arctic- Faggot used to mean a bundle of sticks used for kindling. When a man was found to be gay, they'd burn him at the stake like a witch. Only someone got the idea that they didn't even deserve a stake, so they said, "Just throw them in with the other faggots," as they were lighting the fire.
Inner- Oooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhh. Yeah, now I see why it's so offensive.
Indie- But....it's still the best all around slur against them right?
Arctic- Oh hell yeah.
Indie- Cool. Thanks for listening Arctic. Hangs up
Arctic- Well ladies and gentleman with that we're now out of time.
Inner- Wow, it's 3:00 P.M. already?
Arctic- Indeed, which means now we get to fight the worst traffic on the East Coast trying to get home.
Inner- Say wha?
Arctic- You will soon learn that I-285 is synonymous with purgatory and/or Catholic school, as they are both utter hell and take forever to get out of.
Inner- .........................oh god.
Arctic- Welcome to Atlanta bro. ^-^