FSE

Furry search engine

formerly SoFurry search engine

What's Fair

copyright comidacomida 2020

I grew up in a pretty run-of-the-mill, middle-class family. As far as Lynx were concerned, my family wasn't particularly rich but we didn't really hurt for cash. When I was around 8 or 9 they decided to become foster parents and so, by proxy, I became a foster brother. Since I didn't have any biological brothers or sisters I was really excited about the prospect of having someone my own age around the house. It really didn't turn out to be that great, not because the ages varied from 10-17, but because most of them were 'damaged'.

Unlike me, my foster brothers didn't come from happy families. Many of them had been abused physically, emotionally, or even sexually, and I didn't know what that was like so we didn't really have much in common. For the most part they tended to move in with indifference at best or outright apathy at worst. Later, once they got settled and began to get used to my family they'd usually let their guard down enough to be 'okay', but by that time they were already being shuffled off to a different family so nothing every really clicked.

One of my foster brothers used to say "Life isn't fair." but he never used it as a lament; he always said it as a teaching tool. Unlike him I had a permanent home and a place with my real family but he, on the other hand, spent most of his time being transferred between guardians. A few weeks before Senior year he ended up at my house. Cedric, actually, was the only foster brother who really tried to bond with me. It's kind of ironic in a way that, despite all the felines that we fostered, the one who actually made a connection was a Wolf.

He was distant like most at first but after Mom and I took him clothes shopping before school started he seemed to change... kind of like an abused pet finally learning how to trust. I still remember the way his eyes opened all big in surprise when my mom started having him pick out some jeans and t-shirts; he asked three times to make sure he understood she said that one pair wasn't enough. I think that was the first time I realized just how 'different' it must have been for him growing up. We ended up bonding the first week of classes because of that exact issue.

Despite how great home life was for me, school was a living hell. Not only was that year Freshman Year for me, but I was the opposite of one of the popular kids; I was the book-smart, uncoordinated, quiet cubs who tended to sit at the front of class and focus more on learning than the 'social scene'. The first week of Freshman Year was hard-- REALLY hard, and by Thursday I could barely keep it together. While I guess all of my fake positivity managed to get me through the day, Cedric saw right through it.

Some of the other teens in class had taken to calling me "Stillborn" because my last name is Stillwater and they made a game of it, also coming up with whatever semi-cohesive word games they could for my first name "Clark"-- the worst of which by far had to have been "Fart", not just because they used it ALL the time, but because it was in no way related to my name. Despite all that, I managed to maintain my composure and escaped class the moment the bell rang dismissing everyone for the day.

Although the school system had a bus route that took students home, I had the luxury of having a stay-at-home mom so she made it a point to pick me up every day. Cedric, by association, also got a ride home, which means he was the only other student who bothered to wait for a pick-up out near the track by the curb. I was so lost that afternoon, barely holding it together that me managed to practically be right on top of me before I noticed him and then, only because he ruffled the fur on my head and inquired in a playful tone "What's up, Squirt?"

His happy expression changed the moment he sat down beside me and looked me in the eye; I'd been crying so all of the fur on my cheeks were damp and matted. When he pressed the issue I told him some BS about how I was worried because my math teacher was planning on giving us a general knowledge test on Monday but it was obvious he didn't believe it. Even so, he put an arm around me and gave me a gentle hug, telling me in no uncertain terms "I don't think it's a math issue, but if that's what you're gonna tell me then fine... I'll help you study."

There was a warm feeling that came with the offer of support, and the hug. Despite the relief of having someone there who would listen I still had to remind him "I... don't think you can, Clark... I'm in advanced placement Geometry this year and I think you're repeating Algebra 1, aren't you?"

He gave me a noogie for the objection, followed up with a casual statement of "That's fine... I know it's not math that's getting you down anyway, but I'll figure out what is and I'm gonna fix it, Furball. I promise."

Clark didn't know why I was sad and I couldn't bring myself to explain it and yet he still promised to help me. He had his own problems and, admittedly, thent far deeper and had much greater impact in his life than my own but he was still willing to do what he could for me. He cared. In that moment the culmination of a few weeks of interaction resulted in a realization: I was in love with my foster brother.

True to his word, that crazy Wolf managed to sniff out the issue and, by the time school let out on Friday the ringleader of the group picking on me came to beg forgiveness. He was a Sophomore, and, despite the vast difference in our 'social standing' he promised that it would never EVER happen again, and he practically pleaded with me to make sure to let Cedric know that he apologized. That evening once we got home I asked Cedric about it and he just smiled, patting me on the head as he said "Don't worry about it, Squirt. Like I said, I fixed it."

I all but idolized Cedric after that. He often called me the little brother he never had and, heck, the feeling was mutual-- more than mutual. Cedric was my older brother, the object of my affection, the burning source of unrequited love. I all but worshipped him: the one being in the world who I knew cared about me as a member of his family, but wasn't my dad. We were able to share things with one another that I didn't even tell my parents and he told me things about himself and his life that made me feel like I was getting to see something that no one else in the world did.

Freshman year passed quickly after that. Every day with Cedric in the family was just a little brighter and, despite being a Wolf in the household of Lynx, it really felt like he fit. He certainly said that often enough: "The Stillwater house is the first place I really feel like I belong." But, as is the way with foster cubs, they don't remain cubs forever and at the end of the year Cedric graduated, which meant that it was time for him to go. I still remember the day he left.

My parents had said their goodbyes; dad gave him a book he thought would be worth reading (exactly the kind of gift my dad was known for, being a college professor and all) while my mom gave him a scarf she'd knitted for him. My parents knew that Cedric and I had grown close as brothers and so they gave us a little extra time to say our goodbyes. I'd practiced what I had planned on saying for the longest time but, sadly "Cedric, I've wanted to say it for the longest time and I'm afraid this is my last chance: I love you." somehow turned into "I'm gonna miss you, Cedric."

He looked down at me and his paw made it to the spot between my ears atop my head and, as usual, he gave my fur a ruffle. "Gonna miss you too, squirt. Hey-- you know that old saying about life giving you lemons?"

I fought hard to keep my tears in check. "Yeah... why?"

Smiling, he leaned down and said softly "Your family helped me make lemonade in my final year in the system..."

I had to bite the inside of my cheek to keep the tears back. "I'm just glad we--"

His voice was quieter when he added "You were the sugar that made it sweet."

My parents didn't quite understand why I was so gloomy that summer and, despite them trying all sorts of things to get me perked up nothing really did it. I had more foster brothers throughout the rest of high school but they were pretty much just like the ones that came before Cedric. None of them were bad, per se, but, right up until the day I moved away for college I never made that connection. Even in college there was a wolf-shaped hole in my life and, although I was out by that point, no relationships stuck and no boyfriend I had ever managed to last very long.

I ended up moving on with life, getting an entry level accounting job right out of college to keep me distracted; I'd realized by that point that my relationship prospects were essentially nil because I was such an emotional mess. Life, despite not being fair, still sometimes has the capacity to throw you a bone or, at least, it did to me in a most unexpected way. It happened Friday night a few weeks back when I was on my way back to my apartment.

Normally, when heading home I take a right out of the parking lot but, on that occasion I had an errand to run and on my way back I stopped by a gas station that wasn't my usual go-to. Nobody was manning the pumps so I went inside to see if I could find an attendant when, to my surprise, I ran into a ghost of my past: leaning on the counter, looking bored out of his mind, was Cedric. Sure, he was almost ten years older than when I last saw him, but there he was, in the fur.

Our eyes met and I saw recognition spark in them even as I breathed out the thoughtless words "Hi, Cedric."

His words were even less eloquent, but still more heartwarming. "Your ear tufts are still so god damn fluffy, Squirt."

I wanted to rush into his broad chest and throw my arms around him in a hug; I wanted to cry an scream and admit that he was the best (and therefore the worst) thing that had ever happened to me; I wanted so many things but, in the end, I managed to not make a fool of myself; I played it cool, and told him if his shift was almost over I'd wait around so we could catch up over dinner. When he said 'Sure' I couldn't remember feeling happier in my entire life.

The restaurant I chose was only a few blocks away and the next few hours turned into a blur as we got caught up on everything in one anothers' lives. I told him about finishing up high school and then my time in college; he told me about getting a job as a mechanic and slowly working his way up to manager of the garage. I saw his tail wagging and seeing just how well he was doing made me happy. I also noticed, to my surprise, that he wasn't wearing a ring on his finger. I took stock in that because, despite the many variables that life could throw at me, I saw that he was not married.

Dinner finally came to an end and, as we were walking out together to the parking lot, a sense of loss began to replace the joy in my heart; was it time to say goodbye again? Unable to bring myself to speak as we walked back to where we'd each parked, I felt a knot developing in my throat. His paw reached for the handle to his pick-up; like him it was dinged and scratched but based on what he said it was reliable. Before his fingers could close on it I reached out and grabbed his other paw. "Uh... Cedric?"

He looked back at me, his eyes gleaming in that lupine way beneath the streetlights. Maybe it was only my imagination, but it almost seemed like he was glad to have those few extra seconds. "What's up, Furball?"

The words came tumbling out. I bared my soul to him, the Wolf who had been my foster brother. For one year he was my singular focus and one of the most important things in my life. How had that one year colored so much of the time since, I didn't know, but I told him that, ever since we'd become foster brothers I thought of him as my guiding light. Ultimately I finished with "Any time I had self doubt, and damn if there weren't a lot of them-- every time I questioned my abilities or my chance of success I thought... of you."

Although he managed to keep a stoic expression the tears in his eyes were unmistakable and his tail began fanning the air behind him. Eventually he did smile, then stepped forward and gave me a big hug. "Good thing too, Squirt... cuz if you didn't do it yourself I woulda beaten it into you if I HAD been there."

The hug lasted longer than I think he'd planned it too an, at that point, I was in so deep I couldn't deny the words from escaping. "I... I know it's late but... I.... would... like to know... if it's okay... if... I...."

He slowly disengaged, looking me straight in the eyes as he offered what I came to think of as one of his patented older brother verbal jabs. "Use your words, Squirt."

Despite how much I wanted to say it, I fidgeted as I spoke. "What I mean is... may... I... maybe... kiss you goodnight?"

We did kiss in that parking lot. He also came back to my apartment and we kissed some more. Cedric and I had years to catch up on but, more than getting caught up, we pushed forward. I told him that night that I loved him and he said those very same words. Once I opened that discussion everything came rushing out and I finally understood that yes, while life isn't always fair, it isn't unfair either. Sometimes we are given what we need without realizing it until later, and then it is up to us to reach out and take it.

Cedric's lease is up next month and we're already talking about him moving in with me. My longest relationship lasted three months and, while I'm barely one month along with him, what we have is a lot deeper than anything I'd ever felt for any of my past boyfriends. I'd never lived with a boyfriend before. I was hardly a virgin when Cedric and I consummated our feelings for one another but I'd never felt the same way about my partner; none of them had ever meant as much to me as my foster brother; my Wolf; my hero; my Cedric.