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Jack's Regrets

Jack found himself standing outside May's door, hearing the faint music of their favourite songs playing from somewhere inside, songs they'd shared during better times, happier times. The cold winter wind whipped excitedly about him, nipping like a pup at his exposed ankles and fingers, but he didn't feel the cold. If he had to think about it, the only thing he could feel was empty, save for a piercing agony at the very core of his being which felt like it was steadily growing. Nothing could match the shard of ice that seemed to have replaced his beating heart, oh how he longed to feel that gallop in his chest again the same way he did that first night he'd laid with May. Slowly he raised his hand to knock in that special way he always did when he came by to pick May up for their dates, his arm feeling heavier than lead, as if gravity itself was fighting his every movement. Nervously he thumbed at the ring in his pocket with his other hand, rolling the silver and gold intertwined design between his fingers and feeling the floral design of rubies and diamond beneath his thumb; while brief flashes of everything that could've been danced before his eyes. At least until they became too much to bear, he closed them shut tight and shook the images away, along with his unbidden tears.

The house fell silent, but there was still no answer at the door. He was not surprised though; he'd blown his last chance with her and he knew it. He'd known from the start he didn't deserve her; she could do so much better, deserved so much better than him anyway. Jack turned on his heel and heading back down the path to the street beyond, pausing briefly as he heard May's door open and for a brief moment, he thought he heard her begging him to come back. But it was too late for that now, she deserved to move on and try find her happiness without him. Again, tears began to run down his cheeks, unwanted and despised, just as he'd felt most of his life.

A short walk later and he was standing outside his mother's window, he wanted to go inside and talk to her. She seemed to be lost in her reverie looking through his childhood photo albums longingly though, simpler and happier times for them both and he didn't want to disturb her so late. Jack decided it was best to rather leave her be, with fond memories of him tonight, instead of all the wrong he'd done in recent times. As bad as he'd been growing up, he hoped she knew how much he truly loved her, even if he wasn't always the best at showing it.

Jack crossed the street to his best friend's house; they'd met in preschool and had been as close as brothers ever since. Jack was undoubtedly the bad influence in their friend circle, if not for John, Jack knew he'd have ended up face down in a ditch long before he ever got the chance to meet May. He owed John so much; he could never find the words to admit just how much John meant to him though.

John had clearly been drinking, a couple of empty bottles sat beside him on the stairs as he stared down at the nearly empty bottle in his hand, watching as the moonlight danced and glimmered through the pale amber liquid inside. John's head hung low as he sang their usual drinking songs, pausing briefly to mumble "Jacky boy, you really fucked up this time. Ain't no sorry going to fix this one" John mumbled before taking another sip of his drink. The tightening of John's grip about the bottle was not lost on Jack, John was angry, he knew his friend well enough to notice that much.

"I wish I could, with everything I had...I wish I could take it all back," Jack spoke out, his voice cracking with emotion. He felt ashamed, his gaze lowering to the ground, unable to look at the face of his best friend, his brother. The person whom had always been there for him, no matter what.

"Why'd you do it?" John sighed, his voice barely above a whisper. Jack nearly missed his words through the faint whistle of the wind which rustled the leaves scattered about the ground around them.

"I thought it was my only option..." Jack replied honestly, his head hanging lower still and eyes downcast with his hands clenching into fists inside his denim jacket. The wind died down and a deafening silence surrounded him; time seemed to stand still. Jack turned away from John as he felt a presence behind him, a soft comforting hand reached up to rest against his shoulder.

Standing before Jack was what he could only describe as a kitsune, a translucent blue vixen with serene eyes of emerald. Seven white dots lined each cheek beneath her eyes, glowing like stars in the night sky. There was also an odd familiar scent in the air about them, almost calming in a way, he knew that scent. Both May and his mother had bonded over their love of everything lavender.

"It's time to go, Jack" she said, barely above a whisper yet somehow her voice sounded as if it echoed into eternity. A sad smile touched her pale lips, her eyes full of sorrow as she briefly looked past Jack and to his friend sitting frozen in time behind.

"I'm not ready..." Jack tried to protest.

"No one ever is, even when they know I'm coming." The kitsune smiled weakly, giving Jack a reassuring touch as she cupped his cheek and brushed her thumb across his cheek, just like his mother had when he was a child. "You won't be alone though, there are others waiting for you."

"Aren't you supposed to be a robed skeleton with a scythe?" Jack asked, trying to bolster his spirits behind a pained but rather obvious fake smile. Perhaps more for himself than for her, anything just to delay the inevitable.

"No, that is naught but a cruel depiction of me, I am a harsh truth no one ever wants to accept. I bare your kind no malice or contempt; I simply perform a function. I am but a gear in the machine of life" she replied.

"Life hurt..." Jack mumbled softly, staring off into the distance as he stuffed his hands back into the pockets of his favourite denim jacket.

"Yes, it did. But it had beauty and wonder as well, did it not? Happiness, warmth and maybe even love?" she asked with no sense of irony, turning to stare at him unblinking, yet somehow seeming sincere and caring regardless. Jack felt the ring in his pocket again, an image of May brought forth for a brief moment.

"Yes but..." Jack tried to argue, but he couldn't think of anything valid to grasp onto. Something, anything to convince her to let him return to the life he once had.

"It was not enough?" She pressed on.

"No..." Jack admitted, somehow feeling foolish and arrogant, selfish even for regretting the life he had and thinking it lacking in some aspect. Looking back on it now, he realized how foolish he'd been, seeing everything he'd given up on.

"That is the crux of your existence, nothing will ever be enough. If it was, none of you would strive and fight for more. It drives your kind forward, in search of...enough." The kitsune smiled, reaching up next to brush her fingers through his fringe to brush it back into place. Again, he'd loved every time May had done this for him, so much so he would often ruffle his hair every time she wasn't looking, just so she'd do it again.

"Will it hurt?" Jack asked bluntly.

"Only as much as you want it to."

"I think I've had enough pain and suffering to last me ten lifetimes" Jack spoke with a faint growl touching his words.

"Then no, it will not hurt." She smiled and held her hand out for him to take, so she could guide him home.

"What about May, what about everyone else?" Jack paused with his hand outstretched, his fingertips lightly brushing the kitsunes own. Despite her outward appearance and knowing what she was, her touch was curiously warm and tender.

"The world will keep turning, life will go on. Wounds will heal and memories will fade, in time you will be forgotten. You only get to stay in this world past your time if you care to make a meaningful difference to others."

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What will happen when your time comes, will you greet Death as a friend, or an enemy?