A Reason To Live
Note: This story contains strong language, intent on ending ones life, and fondling of manly parts. If this is not your cup of tea, please hit the back button now...
Damn the bastard that invented the alarm clock. That was quite literally the first thoughts that went through Ryan's mind as he was ripped out of dreamland. The Fox slithered out an arm from underneath the covers to silence his now number one enemy, missing the first couple of times until his paw hits his target.
"Fuck." He barked as he sat up and rubbed his eyes. For the last few months his nights have been long and restless. If he wasn't doing extra work that his boss put onto him or being bitched out by family states away, he was laying in bed fighting an uphill battle. The Fox's blue eyes wondered amongst the random items that littered the room.
In reality there wasn't much that was his; mostly just some random clothes, a few books, and his laptop. He had more back at where he was suppose to be living at. He was sharing an apartment with a few other guys on the other side of the city, College students. Most of the students there were alright kids, respectable and generous. These guys? They were a nightmare. Ryan could have sworn that if they didn't drink and sleep with some random girl every night, they would keel over.
That alone he could put up with, but not when they tear up the place and jack his stuff. Though, their parents were rich, and they helped out with putting food on the table. Then shit hit the fan. The cops were called out, something about disturbing the public. Because he was the oldest and was signed down as the owner of the apartment, he caught hell from both them and the land lord. And to top it all off, his room mates blamed him for getting busted. Ryan left, but he was in a rut; he couldn't afford a place of his own...and going back home to his folks was out of the question.
That was almost two years ago, and ever since he'd been at his Keith's place. Man that guy was an angel, after the Fox told him what had happened the Wolf gave his own room to him. For about a month Ryan would fight with Keith, insisting that he should be the one sleeping out in the main room. But every time the Wolf would grin a sly grin and simply state that "You are a friend, and a bit of family. The only way you'll get my ass back into that room is if you move to a decent place, or...if we get married". Every time, that ended it, with the Fox retreating while muttering and a bit more red.
He owed that Wolf a lot, and had no idea how to repay him. The Fox flipped out of bed, and his eyes caught the mirror on the bathroom door. He had the usual colors of your average fox, bit deeper and richer red because of his Dad's side tough. He was slim yet but toned; he had some muscle, but that didn't stop a bit of his rib cage showing.
He always hated that about himself, sneering a bit as his eyes followed his cream underside down to his red briefs. He never liked them, always complained that they were to tight in certain areas. But his clean cloths supply was dwindling. He made a mental note to ask Keith if he could use is washer as he grabbed his laptop and switched it on. Taping the side, he waited for it to load up so he could make his usual online rounds and to finish a long over due letter...
Keith was lounging around on the sofa out in the main room, the Wolf was never much for early mornings, but today he was on a mission. This was the day he was going to find out. He leaned back and threw his arms behind the sofa's head, his golden amber eyes narrowed and his black fur bristled. He was usually a cool customer, calm and steady, but even he had to admit that he was nervous. Even in his muscle shirt and camo shorts he was burning up.
Ryan hasn't been himself lately, he was more distant, more quiet. And this disturbed Keith. Back in when he knew him in high school, the Fox was always so hyper and chatty. Doing off the wall things was his specialty. And now? He was predictable and gloomy. He could understand it though...he knew that things with the Fox's family wasn't good...hell, they practically disowned him, but for what he never said. Then there was Ryan's job. Keith could understand it...but his gut was throwing red flags left and right. With the sound of running water came the Wolf's que, he silently got up and waited for the sound of a door, and a click.
With his digital rounds done, Ryan set his laptop aside and slipped off his briefs. Tossing them aside, he padded into the small bathroom and switched on the faucet. He glanced back at his laptop and debated about closing it, but with no further delay he closed the door, turned the lock, and stepped into the shower. For the time, thoughts of his worries melted away as the water rippled down through his scarlet back.
'There's the door...and there's the click, here goes nothing.' Keith thought, he gently opened the door and peeked inside; the bathroom door was closed and the water was splashing...and right on the Fox's bed was the laptop, open in all it's glory. The Wolf glided his way in as he counted his blessings, he knew that there wouldn't have been enough time had the laptop been locked out. With a flick of his finger, he sat to work.
He opened up Ryan's Internet Browser, and skimmed through the history. There was the usual stuff; email, tech forum, even a random porn link or two, but even still Keith gave a somber frown. There were several sites with a recurring word throughout his history log; Suicide. There were two of key interest that were under yesterday's pages, one for suicide prevention and another for suicide attempts.
'He's on the border line' Keith analyzed, 'But at least there's still a bit of hope'. He opened Ryan's documents and open an text file that caught his eye, For Keith. As he skimmed through the first few lines his heart sank, but his investigation was cut short an unexpected noise made him jump, and nearly kamikaze the laptop.
After dazing off in the bliss of the water running down through is fur, he turned to grab the shampoo and met an unexpected feeling that made him yip. The stream was pouring right onto his sheath, and flowing over his slightly exposed tip. It had been a while since the Fox had done anything, and the effects were quickly catching up to him.
Ryan murred as his massaged his balls with one paw, he used the other to pull back his swelling sheathe to free his Foxhood. Sliding a pad over the tip, he gently began to rub along the length. He was a bit more endowed than most Foxes, roughly around 7 inches. The touch of his paw and the warm water were making his head spin. He set to serious work; grasping his member and stroking it with eager anticipation.
The feeling was incredible, it made his loins feel like they were on fire. His legs started to fail him, he leaned against the shower wall for extra support as he growled with ever few strokes. It wouldn't be much longer now, with a lust filled moan his other paw moved from his fuzzy balls to his swollen knot. He was so close, but a screeching sound like a cawing wraith stirred him from his nirvana.
Keith nearly pissed his pants, the noise came as a shock to the unsuspecting Wolf. The alarm was never turned off, an apparent accident that was reinforced with a resounding curse from the bathroom. Keith had to act fast, like a dance his paws moved to close windows and restore everything to where he found it. The water stopped flowing, time was even short. He placed the laptop back onto the bed, leaped to the door, and shut it gently. He was just in time, but he had a lot ahead of him.
With a bang the bathroom door flew open, and with a resounding thwack the alarm fell silent.
"God-damn thing." The Fox hissed "If I could I swear I'd throw you out of the damn window!" Still fuming, he dried his fur and sat off on a hunt for clean clothes, oblivious that his screen-saver had yet to
turn on.
Keith released a sigh of relief, and moved to the kitchen. In his mind, he started to formulate a plan. By the time he had gotten out a couple of breakfast bars he had a loose one cooked up. It was harsh, and could completely blow up in his face, but the risk would be well worth it...and he had a trump card he could use on the Fox.
At last the fox had found some fresh clothing; another pair of briefs (Blue this time), kacky pants, and a Gold Polo shirt (Required dress that he had to wear). It was interesting to dawn his attire, though he no longer had a raging hard on, his sheath was still swollen, and made for an interesting obstacle. Now in a less natural state, the Fox slipped on black lowcut socks and his shoes. He got onto his laptop one last time to check his email, then with a snap he shut the screen and left his room. And to his surprise, he found Keith on the sofa munching on a breakfast bar.
'Crap, did I wake him up?' He blushed slightly, though he didn't know why. He was more flustered and self disappointed than anything else, yet there was something else. "Hey Keith, why up so soon?"
"Had some things I needed to do this morning before I go in tonight," The Wolf grinned "You off to work?"
"Yeah" Ryan said with a sigh, "Back to Super Market Hell."
"At least it's a hell that pays a bit."
"Maybe, not really worth it though...well, I'm outta here."
"Hold on, not without these you don't!" Keith jumped, tossing the Fox a couple of the bars. Ryan just looked at them with a cocked head, and offered them back.
"Nah, I'll be alright man."
"Eat them...or I'll kick your ass." The Wolf growled, though a twinkle could be seen in his eyes as the Fox's ears lost a bit of their color.
"OK, ok, jeez. See you later."
"Later."
And with that, Ryan pocketed the bars and walked out of the door. Keith looked out through the window, and once he saw the Fox get into his car, he grabbed a piece of paper and wrote down every word he could remember of the letter. And with a dead set dedication, Keith grabbed his phone to give his boss a little call.
The day was rough for the Fox, but he took relief that soon he wouldn't have to worry about it much anymore. He had it, the gateway to his freedom in a small bag. Ryan felt guilty though, after all that Keith had done he was going to repay the Wolf with a corpse. But he couldn't take it anymore, he would go out of his mind if he had to live this life one more day. His plan was solid...get home, print the letter, leave it on the counter, then go to the park and take the pills. What could go wrong?
He kept a careful lookout for the Wolf's truck as he pulled into the driveway, which thankfully wasn't there. Keith usually worked nights, but his job sometimes flip-flopped without much warning. But a pit opened in his stomach as he walked through the door. There he was, sitting on the sofa staring right at the Fox.
"Hey man, how'd work go?" Keith started, which resulted in a nervous chuckle a now nervous Ryan.
"The usual, going to head out here in a bit, I...forgot something." He started to head to the bedroom to form a new plan, but an unexpected twist stopped him cold.
"I know what's going on Ryan..." He bolted, but the Fox didn't make it far. As he grabbed the doorknob to the front door he felt a strong hand rip him away, throwing him onto the floor. Before he could recover, Keith had him pinned...all of his weight was on his hips, and the Wolf had a death grip on his wrists. He was bigger and in better shape than what the Fox was, and both of them knew it.
"Get off me you fuck!"
"Like hell I will!"
"You can't do this!"
"I want your word Ryan!"
"What?" The Fox blinked.
"I want your word Ryan Dwalt...that you will spare your life until after this night is over with."
There was no question about it, Keith knew. He knew, and he knew what strings to pull. Ryan had interesting morals at times, but he saw his word as his bond. To him, it was more than just a promise...and Keith was about to abuse it.
"Well," The Wolf growled, "Do I have your word, or are we going to stay like this all night?"
With a flustered sigh, Ryan nodded, "Alright...you have my word."
That's all it took, he felt Keith release his grip and guided him up. The Fox stood there for a second in petrified amazement...he had never seen Keith like this. He looked dead into his brown eyes, and felt like wetting himself. He was pissed...as if the death grip didn't hint at it enough. With a glare that made him feel hollow, he pointed to the sofa.
"Sit." His voice cracked, but it was still stern enough to where Ryan wouldn't question it. He slumped down as the pit inside his stomach climbed to his throat. Keith pulled up a chair and sat a few feet in front of the Fox, and for what seemed like an eternity they soaked in silence. Ryan couldn't bring himself to look at his friend, but his ears perked as the Wolf broke the ice.
"It's probably the most over rated question, but...why?"
He groped around to find how to explain it all, but Ryan failed miserably. Instead, he said it as it came.
"Because...my life sucks." Keith had more than a hand full of responses, but he kept them at bay. This was Ryan's time, his time to let it all out. But he wasn't going to let it all be one sided.
"Ok, how so?"
"Well...nothing ever goes right. What I thought was going to be a few good room mates turned out to be a hand full of pricks, I haven't had a relationship that's lasted more than a few weeks, and my parents..." He choked, and paused. Emotions that Ryan had held back for so long were bursting through. As hard as he tried, he couldn't keep from crying.
"There's...there's just so much pain Keith. And I hate it, I fucking hate it! I don't want it anymore, I tried doing a clean slate with doing a few classes but...I'm just not worth any of it-I don't amount to anything!"
The Wolf's fists were so clench that his claws were starting to draw a bit of blood. Without a word, he pushed back the thick fur of his fore arm, revealing a barely covered scar.
"Ryan, you remember how I got this?"
"Yeah..." He blinked in confusion, "That's when that metal piece came off the frame at work-"
"No, that's what I told you, but that's not what really happened. Ryan...I want to show you my biggest secret." With that, the Wolf rose and took off his shorts.
"Keith, what the hell are-"
He was cut short by the Wolf raising a single digit to his muzzle. He moved over and sat right next to the Fox, in nothing but boxers and a muscle shirt. Ryan's ears turned red, he had never been this close to the Wolf with him this bare. He tried his best not to look down, but a wave of his paw caught his eye.
Once again Keith pushed back his thick fur, this time on his thigh. As the fur rustled across, Ryan saw dozens of small scars across his friend's skin. He looked back into the Wolf's eyes and cocked his head.
"I know what you mean by pain bud...I use to cut myself to escape it. It felt good, the kiss of the blade helped me forget about it, and it gave me control. The one on my arm is so big because...because it was a bad time for me. I needed a lot of controlled pain to drown out the uncontrolled pain. But I haven't done it since you moved in. Haven't really had a reason to...as corny as it is, you help take that pain away. So...yeah..." He turned with a grin, "You do amount to something bud. You can change people."
Tears were streaming down the Fox's muzzle, the pit was replaced with a feeling of someone punching him in his gut. He had no idea, Keith was always the happy one out of the group. From high school to even a few days ago, there wasn't a moment where he wasn't grinning about something or popping a wise crack.
"What...what made you do all that?"
"Things happening at school, my Dad being an over zealous ass to my Mom, failed relationships, drama at work...I guess in a nutshell that's about it."
"Keith," The Fox swallowed, "I'm glad you stopped."
"I'm kinda glad I did too...but I have to admit, sometimes I miss that kiss...but then I see you." He gave a poke.
Ryan sat there in silence for a moment, but then he took in a breath.
"Hey Keith..."
"Yeah?"
"I never told you why my parents pretty much cut all ties with me..."
"I'm all ears bud."
"I'm gay," He winced, preparing for an onslaught.
"...So?" He couldn't resist from forming a wide grin at the Fox's perplexed reaction, "I know a lot of people here don't like that kind of stuff...but they can shove it up their ass. We are who we are, if we weren't then we wouldn't be us...you know?"
"Yeah," Ryan chuckled, "I guess not...they didn't see It that way though. Mom accused me of not finding a girl yet just to spite them. Then Dad went through my stuff and found a few things he shouldn't have. I got called a faggot and a sinner, and...they pretty much said I was dead to them."
"What about your brother?"
"Dunno...haven't seen him since all that happened."
Keith knew that this would be the perfect time for a bit of ground breaking advice, or a comment that would whip away the dark veil that surrounded Ryan...but there was only one thing that he could think of to do at this point. He wrapped his arms around the smaller Fox, and gave him a tight hug. And funny enough, it was all that was needed.
"You're not alone you know..."
"Hmm?"
"You're not alone...both literal and figurative bud. I'm always here for you, no matter what. That...and I'm Bi."
"Wait...what?"
"What?"
"You're Bi?"
"Yep, I like both tits and dicks."
"But...you...you always talk about girls like-"
"Like the average guy? Of course! I never kiss and tell you know..."
"You're full of surprises tonight." Ryan blinked.
"And that surprises you?"
"True...coming from the same man that likes Hello Kitty."
"Hey, don't hate!"
What started as a volatile night had settled down into a fit of grins and laughter. Both had open their hearts to one other, and both felt as though they had been reborn. The pain, the regret, and the bad memories were faded into almost nothing. They stayed up late into the night, talking and cracking up at one another. As fatigue began to take hold, they mutually decided that it was time for sleep, and that the one bed would be big enough for bed.
"Hey Ryan? I got something to admit, but...it might be a bit soon..."
"Yeah, what is it?"
"I...like you. I like you a lot, and maybe if...well...wanna go see a movie or something tomorrow?"
"Wait...are you asking me out to a date?"
"No! Well...kinda. What I mean is..." It was the Wolf's turn to blush as he fumbled over himself to find the right words. With a hearty laugh, the Fox made a bold move; he gave Keith a kiss right on the muzzle.
"That should answer your question you nutball."
They slipped into the covers, and as Ryan started to give into the eventual grasp of sleep within the Wolf's arms he spoke two words that were on his mind.
"Thank you..."
"For what?" Came a quiet reply.
He thought for a second, and made up his mind on something he was dead set on for the last few years...
"For...for giving me a reason to live...I Ryan Dwalt give you my word...that I will not take my life. That I will live until the great Buddha in the sky decides it's time for me to go."
He felt the Wolf's embrace became tighter as he gave a light lick across his cheek.
"And I Keith Collier give you my word...that I will always be there for you, from now to the end of time..."
And that was that, they both fell asleep changed people, as the pills still laid in the living room, doomed to be returned the next day.
To you, my dear Reader...there are a few things that I must say. First off, while these characters do not exist in real life, their stories are all to real. And even then, not all tales end as present or romantic. Not all end the day still alive.
If you have ever thought of ending your life, I implore you to take a good look around...for you are -never- truly alone. There is always someone who cares about you. I will admit, it is hard at times...but I can swear to you Reader...that it is very well worth it.
And as far as the story it's self...many things had inspired it. I started it a long time ago, and finally recently decided it was time to finish it. The characters are based off of people I know and have met, and are part of what inspired me to write it. As far as what inspired me to start it...seeing the news about another suicide, seeing the affect that it had on those who had known them, and my own so called mental demons.
I admit you Reader, that I myself have been going through a spout of depression, and at times in the past I have thought of ending my life. But you know what...I care to much about the people I know to do that. I kid you not when I say that you do indeed touch a lot of people through out life. What kind of role model would you be if you ended it? And besides, there's way to much to do to die!
Also, I had intended on putting more yiff in it, but I couldn't...it just didn't seem right. That and going right from a possible death scenario to one getting knotted was a bit to much of a transition for one story. Perhaps a second part...?
But either way Reader, thank you for reading and remember...there is always a reason to live.