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Remissions of Guilt: Purple Dank Blues

June 7th (Later that night)

This was the second time today that I have taken a shower, but I still feel that it is necessary. Arizona's famous dry air feels nice compared to the painfully humid Pennsylvania air that occurs during the summer. However, the problem with this air is that, you sweat but you don't realize that you are sweating because its so dry it evaporates from you skin. As soon as I stepped paw into the hotel room and stepped into the nice AC, I could feel the sweat begin to form on my skin. I grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge, stripped my clothes and climbed into the shower. I took a cold shower, letting the water numb my skin and drop my body temperature. I made sure that I was clean by the time I climbed out, not wanting to stink like BO in front of the college students. I was hoping by the end of tonight that I would have some standing reputation among a few students so that when the school year rolled around, I wasn't just "the new Freshman nobody talked to."

Reaching into the fake white beach wood hotel drawer I pulled out the nicest clothes I brought with me. A black and grey flannel shirt, a pair of jeans, and some ankle socks. I applied my deodorant and got dressed rather quickly. I didn't have long until the next bus heading down to Tucson left. I went into the bathroom and slightly parted my black hair, sweeping it across my forehead. Looking at my self in the mirror, I did something that surprised my self, I smiled at my own reflection. It was strange to feel this way about just looking at my own reflection but for once, I felt good and looked good.

"Maybe this is really what living is supposed to feel like. Just...enjoying little moments, and having self confidence."

I went and grabbed my phone, "Bus will be here in ten, gotta get down to the terminal."

I grabbed my key, my phone, my jacket, my wallet and my ipod and I was out the door.

The bus arrived right on time and I climbed on board, taking a seat in the very back. The bus had quite a few people in it forcing me to sit next to an elderly raccoon who seemed to be in her own special place. I put in my earbuds and selected a song from my ipod. I chose Ball and Biscuit by The White Stripes and sat back in the fake blue velvet seats. The buzz of the blues guitar is enough to make me just bob my head up and down slightly and mouth the lyrics.

Lets have a ball and a biscuit sugar, and take our sweet little time about it.

Lets have a ball girl, and take our sweet little time about it.

Tell everyone in the place to just get out, and well get clean together.

And i'll find me a soap box where i can shout it. Yeah.

I leaned back in my seat and began to stare up at the ceiling of the bus. It was just a simple metal bus, no different than SEPA back in Pennsylvania. The ceiling had bright fluorescent lights, with an exposed metal roof. Cheaply built, but it served its purpose. I closed my eyes and began to think about tonight. I had a whole hour ride to plan out what I was going to do tonight and I was not going to squander that time.

What had me nervous all the sudden was a question I thought about earlier, What do I need to do differently this time then I did the last? It seemed like a stupid question at the time because my answer was of course: Be yourself. Now that I really have the time to think about it, maybe being myself might be a bad idea. Last time I was myself at a party or with people, I ended up having to run from the cops and then was forced come out to my entire school.

I shuddered at the thought of having to go through that again.

"I'm not really sure how to behave at this party. I could be normal, like I was today at the arcade. Those guys seemed to like me for who I was. Things could just work out because now its different people. But, what if the people I meet are just like my old friends from school. Look how that turned out. Shit..."

I leaned forward and began to message my temples with my left paws, trying to think of what choice to make.

"Are you feeling alright dear?"

A shrill raspy voice cut through my concentration like a knife. I looked over to my right to see the old raccoon lady was staring at me with worry in her aged face.

I blushed, slightly embarrassed that I was letting my inner feeling show on the outside in a public space.

"Oh no I'm fine, but thank you for asking?" I was ready to turn my music up some more when she spoke again, " Oh don't give me that, I have been around too long to know that there is something bothering you. If you need to talk to someone, I'm a pretty good listener. For a crazy old lady I mean."

Her smile seemed so innocent and sincere, but her eyes said that she was experienced with this type of thing. I let out an audible sigh.

"It beats talking to myself..." I mumble.

I spent the entire bus ride explaining the situation I'm in. I explained only enough that I left home for reasons I don't want to get into. I told her about the people I met today, and the party, and the others I was going to meet tonight. I told her how, my past actions at parties have caused me a lot of pain and I'm not sure how to approach tonight. I don't want to be a fake and lair, but I also don't want to get hurt again. I laid out my options and I asked her opinion of what to do.

She placed a hand on her withered chin and rested her elbow on her knee. She remained like this for a good three minutes before giving me an answer.

"Well, I can tell you, you've gotten yourself into one hell of a jam." I snickered at her dry sense of humor.

"I would say that your best bet would be going as yourself, but with caution. You should be yourself, but be careful about how open you are around certain people. Know who you can trust and who you cannot."

I was shocked by her answer. A mixture of both...I can do that. She could read the look on my face clear as day.

"God bless the fucking elderly for their higher wisdom. That's is some actual great advice."

She smiled a smile only an old woman could possibly achieve. It was a smile that warms your heart to see.

"I'm glad I could be of such help dear. You seem like a nice young man who is just down on his luck."

I heard the familiar ding of the bus chime and the sign for Tucson lit up announcing our arrival at the terminal. Everyone on the bus stood up to make for the door, including me and the old woman.

I was about to leave when I felt her her bony hand rest upon my shoulder.

" It has been very nice talking to you young man. You know just how to make an old lady smile."

I couldn't help but smile back.

" Thank you for being such a great listener and for the advice. I think it helped."

She held out her hand for a handshake which surprised me for an elderly woman but I didn't want to be rude so I shook hands.

"Just remember," She suddenly spoke, "Everyone makes mistakes in their life. I sure know I made mine, but you can always learn from them and avoid them in the future."

I just smiled, unable to think of the right words to say. I believe she understood and nodded her head before stepping off the bus and walking with the crowd of people down the sidewalk.

Moment later I also stepped off the bus out onto the side walks of Tucson Arizona. I looked around at where I was and pulled out the small map I stuffed in my pants pocket. After a good five minutes of scanning the map, I managed to located the street that Craig's house was on. It was only about five blocks west of where I was so I folded up the map and began my walk.

The whole walk towards Craig's was calm and cool. The neighborhood around this part of Tucson is actually pretty nice. There are tress, and houses with white fences and playgrounds and everything a dry ass desert city could have.

"It's just like a major city, but more...spread out looking." I mumbled to my self as I glanced back down at the crumpled up paper in my hand.

Looking around, I tried to find what street I was on with some success. Looking for signs in near darkness was a bit more of a challenge than I thought it would be. The thin green street sign was behind a truck stopped at the intersection, but as soon as traffic began to move, I found the sign and faced where I needed to go. I pulled out a cigarette, lit it and began strolling down the street.

It took me a good twenty minutes to find his house following the hurried directions he told me. Lucky for me, it was not really hard to find out which house was having a party; it was the one with the loud ass music coming from the inside. I slowed my pace and approached the house. I took one last drag on my second cigarette of the walk and snuffed it out under my foot.

"Nice place Craig..."

The house was just you average everyday desert city place. Not too fancy, but not a dump either, just a generally well built house. The building was a long two story rectangle covered by white slat siding with he roof simply done by tar and black roofing shingles. The lawn was cut short and proper, showing that Craig's parents cared about the curb appeal of the house. The right side of the house had a large, also white garage with a lacquered natural wooden fence starting at the back of the drive way. The fence wrapped around the entire back yard of the house. I could see other furs dancing through the living room window, but the drawn satan curtains blocked most of my line of sight. I approached the large oak door and rapped on the large brass knocker and waited for a response.

That response came half a minute later with a drunken Craig, swaying slightly in the doorway.

"Heeey CJ dude I'm glad you decided to show up." He waved past him into a dimly lit hallway. "Come on in, the party only started like...thirtyish minutes ago?"

The party started forty minutes ago, but as drunk as he is, I'm glad he can just remember my name. Moving beyond that, I looked around and took in my surroundings.

His house was pretty nice on the inside as well. He had a nice open white tile foyer with a spiral like stair case that hugged the wall. The kitchen looked as if it had been redone recently, new granite counter tops, mahogany cabinet's, new stove, the works. The large island in the center of the kitchen contained a large quantity of alcohol sitting on it. That was probably the real party. The living room had a small cast iron fire place, a large TV, large black leather sofas, and a sound system that could put Metallica to shame.

As I peer around, a few faces stuck out to me. Chase was sitting on the couch chatting with some girl, a beer in his hand. As for Brian, well, he was watching what ever was on TV...or maybe the bounce of the girls who were dancing in the middle of the floor in front of the TV. I hadn't the faintest clue who any of these other furs were, but I did not care. Tonight, I was going to meet these people and see who is who.

I suddenly felt my weight shift backward as Craig's orange paw clasped down onto my left shoulder blade.

"Hey CJ," He gave a quick pause. " What up buddy."

Buddy that's cute. Might as well break the ice now.

"I have been meaning to tell you guy's. Earlier, when we were at the arcade I mean. I actually just enrolled in the University of Arizona. I'm actually going to be a freshman, just like you."

His eye lit up like a struck match as he began to grin from ear to ear. He grabbed onto my shoulder and pulled me into a tight and...unexpected hug.

"That's so great man...yo you need to meet some of the people at this party come on I'll show ya around."

He began to chat on and on and on about the school. The people that went there, the people in this room, and who liked who and who was who. It was a pointless list really, most of the kids in the room looked as though they varied from my age to seniors, but it's not fucking high school. Who cares who these people are, they are just paying like everyone else to go to class and get a degree. Needless to say, for someone who was an incoming freshman, he was well aquatinted.

I had only just got here, but the party was seriously getting started now. Furs were dancing in the living room, drinking in the kitchen and chatting it up with who ever they could find. A typical party that I began to partake in. I chatted with a few random different people for about an hour, just making acquaintances and getting furs to realize that I existed in the college. No one would care about a reputation but it's nice to have people to say high to in between classes. This was already better than high school.

I began to notice Craig was becoming quite clingy in his drunken state, trying to introduce me to everyone in goddamn site. I really wanted to meet people but it was just becoming a bit overwhelming to the point that I don't even remember the names of who I was talking to.

_ A few college kids my ass Craig._

I peer over again at where Chase was sitting. He was now having a make out session with that hyena girl he was talking to. Fuck. And Brian now was engaged with some other older looking guys that appeared to be his friends. My presence would only make things awkward for him. I couldn't do that to the big guy. I just need to go outback, maybe just get some air other than this hormone drenched, humid shit were breathing in. I made up an excuse.

"Um...hey I'm going to step out back and catch a cig, I'll talk to you later ok Craig?"

He gave a short shrug.

"Alright bro, hey," He pulled me in close so he could speak into my ear, "I think that chick Paulina is digging you man." He flashed his eyebrows over towards a very petite tigress with shoulder length pin straight black hair. I swallowed hard, now I need to have that smoke.

I saw her staring at me with pleading, devious eyes, just wanting me. I felt my cheeks burn out of the embarrassment and discomfort I was now feeling. This was the exact situation I wanted to get away from.

Quickly and without giving her a passing glance, I briskly walked through the kitchen, down the hall and into the laundry room where the back door was located. I got a whole tour of the house when Craig was showing me his "friends" so I knew the layout. I opened the tan metal door and took in a deep breath of the fresh air. The air however, was not as clean and fresh as I thought it had been. Heavy amounts of smoke filled my lungs and the sudden shock caused me to give a few sharp coughs before I realized the source. Out on his red brick patio was a large cast iron table with matching chairs. In those chairs sat many furs of different species and sizes all passing around a frosted white bong the size of a small gourd. I froze as they all stared at me, curious about what I was doing. I was about to say fuck it and go back in when a gray rabbit waved his hand at me,

"Yo...I you want in, just say the word. Were all friends over here stranger." his voice was high and raspy, probably from smoking.

I paused to give thought about what I should do or not. I've smoke weed before on a handful of occasions with a few of my friends, but never a a party like this with strangers. The rabbit took notice of my pause and used this time to attempt to sway my interests.

"Com'on, I don't bite...hard." He began to chuckle, flashing his large white teeth that complimented his facial dimples so accentually. He had a extremely nasally laugh that was just enough to start to irritate you. I scratched my head.

Should I get high with a bunch of strangers? I shrugged and nodded. Sure.

It's better than just sitting inside twiddling my thumbs and trying to avoid having that tigress get in my pants.

I walked over and took a seat at the table. There were four others around the table beside the rabbit. There was a male hyena who had dark spots under his eyes and a sleek muscular body, a cheetah who was built in the same fashion but about three inches taller and with amber eyes, a coyote with thick brown fur and a nasty scar the ran up the left side of his neck, and a brown river otter who was sitting back reading a book. I sat at the table across from the otter who seemed to not be paying any attention to the others at the table. He looked up from his book to see who I was and I stared deep into his eyes. His eyes are...something else. They were brown, but with hazel in the center, like mine, but they were so dark, so very dark. They were so dark they had a red tint to them, like staring into a piece of obsidian glass, all red and black with a pure sheen like a mirror. He noticed my awkward stare and gave me a peeved glance.

"What are you looking at?" He spoke in a annoyed tone.

I snapped out of my trance.

"Oh sorry..." I admitted defeat, "I just have never seen that eye color before in my life. Its very nice."

He seemed taken back by my comment.

"Um...ok."

I felt bad for being so blunt and kind of creepy, so I guess as far as introductions go that was pretty shitty. Lighten the atmosphere maybe?

"Um..." I started, " My name is CJ...um.... just wanted to make a proper introduction."

It felt childish to just throw my name out there like that but...it actually did lighten the mood. The rabbit who was cleaning out the bong decided to say his name first as he prepared the piece for it's next run.

"The names Goodwin."

Then the Otter,

"Joshua."

Then the Cheetah,

"Steve."

The hyena,

"Damien."

and then the Coyote

"Elroy." His southern accent was thick as hell; fits his name.

The rabbit killed the conversation before any of us could say anything else.

"Alright guys bongs set, let me just re pack it and we should be good to go..."

He reached into his pocket and pulled out a gram bag of dark greenish brown weed. I'm not one to know what is good and what's not but I just wanted to re-strike up the friendly conversation. This crude silence was really killing the mood. I bet these people don't even know each other by the stoic looks they are giving.

Sure, were all really good friends here.

"So... is it good stuff or..."

The rabbit interrupted my stupidity with a hearty chuckle, his high voice hitting a new level of annoying.

"Oh believe me, this is some GOOD shit. You'll be blown away."

I frowned...never...ever...trust a drug addict. He shoved the bong into my hands before I could even think about what I was about to say in response.

"If you want true proof...take the first hit. It does wonders."

I frowned again staring down at the glass object in my hand.

Is this really worth it? Would it be easier to just go back to the party? To just spend the night sitting with some strangers and watch them get drunk? You know what...this whole party was a mistake. I took the bic lighter from the rabbit and lit the bud. I sucked in deep, really deep before using the shotgun hole to max out my lungs. I couldn't hold it for more than a few seconds before going into a coughing fit. I wheezed and wheezed, my sides aching worse and worse each time until I stopped and passed the bong along. I felt like my diaphragm was going to slit my chest in half. The rabbit just smiled at me.

"See? Good shit my man."

And man he wasn't kidding. I could feel my body getting lighter by the second and I sunk back into the chair. I watched the bong go person to person as I became more and more distant. I perked up slightly when they passed over Joshua, who seemed more interested in his book then actually getting high. Whatever. I squinted to read the book title and chuckled. He's reading The Dunwich Horror by H.P Lovecraft. Good story.

It was then that something felt...off. My feet and fingers were tingling and numb and a purple haze had clouded my vision, shrouding the backdrop off the neighbors houses with a thick blanket of purple fog. I could feel my body rocking back and forth in the chair like I was on a horrible nightmarish see-saw. Then it hit me...weed doesn't make you hallucinate. I sat up as straight as I could, paranoia sinking in.

"Hey um...Goodwin, this weed is making me see some weird shit. How are you doing.?"

He sat back and cracked a wide white dimply smile.

"Yeah man, me too. I dipped the bud in some wet I got off my friend. Prepare for one hell of a trip!" He began to crackle hysterically.

I felt my heart sink into my intestines.

He did what? HE DID WHAT!?

I began to process and over analyze the situation, my mind working on overdrive like a really intense string theory equation. Like the horrible mist that was eating away at my brain. Wet...wet is PCP...fuck man, I just took a huge hit of PCP...angel dust...shit.

Phenylcyclohexylpiperidine, known as PCP is a tricky little drug. Formed from a class of chemicals called arylcyclohexylamines (anestitics), it was used in hospitals from the early fifties until the late sixty when scientists noticed reoccurring patterns of ill side effects and brain damage in rat test subjects. This was some strong stuff. Lasts long in the body, causes complete tolerance to pain, lack of coordination, and vivid hallucinations. And now I have to sit and let it run its course. It's scary really, losing all feeling in your arms and legs and looking around with dilated pupils at all the distorted faces of the people you were just with. You feel like your sitting in a horrible nightmarish box of your own worst fears with no way to escape other than ripping out your own organs of hoping you took too much and die of a quick over dose. This is the worst feeling in the world.

I felt warm hands grasp my shoulders and lift me up into a standing position out of the cool cast iron chair. Speckled honey and chocolate clad paws steady my erratic movements as my feet began to guide my body into the direction I was being steered. Then, I heard a click of a tan wall as the dark became light and the light became loud, so very loud. My senses became over loaded but the the ground slipped out from under me as I landed in a large black veil of skin. It was soft and plush and...cold. I felt down with my numbed hands, my sense of feeling going in and out to realize I was not sitting on skin... rather a black leather arm chair. I must be in the downstairs office that Craig showed me. His fathers own private study, better not touch anything.

"FUCK!" I yelped.

The room became so bright I was sure that a fire or explosion had to have occurred in front of my face. I rubbed my eyes and attempted to look around. Distorted by the damn drug, all I could make out was a round face, with short round ears and slick, honey and chocolate fur. I smiled at the face beyond my own realm of free will. The face contained those piercing red eyes that glowed with radiance around the dank purple mist that incased the room. The face became slightly longer as the jaw stretched and words formed in it's throat...his throat. I could hear music...in my head...such a strange song. (That there, that's not me) "You don't look like your having much fun." (I go where I please) His voice was level and bland. A strange and almost uncaring tone trickling into his words. I chuckled and forced my brain to focus just on his speech and my own. (I walk through walls) "No...I'm going to kill that rabbit when this shit runs its course. This was not what I planned to do tonight." I spoke through gritted teeth. (I float down the Liffey) Silence played its part before I spoke once more.

"You didn't look like you were having much fun yourself." A dumb grin clearly forming on my muzzle. He frowned. (I'm not here) "Yeah. Craig's a great guy and all, but I'm not one for parties. I prefer a book over this noise." I smiled at him again...strange that I'm doing that so much, must be the drugs. (This isn't happening) "Yeah, Lovecraft is a great author. The Dunwich Horror is probably my favorite story by him. That and Shadow over Innsmuth." His eyes seemed to brighten at my appraisal of Lovecraft. (I'm not here) "Really? A reader are you?" I laughed on his comment. (I'm not here) "In my spare time yes. I also play piano. It's probably the only thing I brought with me to this college that I can't replace."

I might be admitting secrets openly because of the drugs but that last statement is true. I've had that key board since I learned to play when I was 8. I couldn't leave that behind. (In a little while I'll be gone) "College? Which college are you...thats a dumb question. Your going to Phoenix right?"

He continued.

" I'm Craig's roommate Joshua Oswald."

It all clicked. He's the kid from Oro Valley that Craig was taking about. (The moments already passed) "Oh...so your Craig's roomy. Cool. Did you guys just meet or are you friends or..."

The otter remained stoic and strait faced before answering my question.

" He...helped me through a difficult time in my life. We've been good friends ever since then. That was almost eight years ago."

Great I just blurted out what was the first thing on my mind and now I hit a sensitive topic. Fuck you Goodwin. Fuck you and your PCP. (Yeah, it's gone) " I'm sorry, that was not really any of my business and I didn't me to hit..." He cut me off with a quick flip of his short brown paw.

"That's ok. Your drugged up and...your just trying to be friendly." (I'm not here) He just stood their staring at me in dead silence as music blared from behind the closed doors and in my head. He just stood there, looking over my pathetic body in my intoxicated state. Then after what must have been minutes of brooding silence he cracked a very slight curve of his lip. An attempt at smiling I believe. He walked over to the oak desk I was sitting behind and took a seat on the edge of it facing me. (This isn't happening) "So CJ, why did you choose this college to go to. Where do you live, are you from the area?" (I'm not here) I gave him a sad glance; a longing, lonesome glance of hurt. I could lie to him and make up a story, but is that really beginning again? Didn't lying get me into this mess in the first place? Maybe its time to come clean to someone, to express my feelings. And who could be better than a complete stranger, a neutral party whose opinion would have little effect upon me. (I'm not here) "Well....where do I begin..."

I began by recalling where I was from and where my family is now. I told him of my social life and school of the past. Of how I was on the basketball team and had a girlfriend and had the greatest best friend in the whole world. I told him about the normal teenage life that I lived. So very normal and...fragile. Then, I told him about Aaron and when HE showed up. About how Frank fell in love with him and how...I had loved Frank, my best friend, in secret since the day I met him. How I longed for him but how I feared my parents and my team and other friends. I told him about the incident at the peak and how crushed and dead I was inside, how I let my anger get the best of me. Then I told him about the internet photos, the party, my forced coming out and...my exile from everyone I knew. How I had been weak, and a coward, and how I used Chelsea and crushed her in such a painful manner. I cried to him over how my parents, and my basketball team abused me, how nobody trusted a word I said and finally my escape to Arizona.

"...and now I'm here, to start a new life....and to try to bury my past once and for all."

I sniffed and wiped away some tears on my sleeve with my conclusion. My vision was starting to come back, but everything was still a dark fuzzy mess. He just sat there in the same position I left him in an hour ago, analyzing the epic tale that I had just told him. He crinkled his thin eyebrows in deep thought, of what I'm not sure but his next words I will never forget for as long as I live.

"Well...you fucked up pretty bad," He spoke in his neutral, bland tone, "But everyone screws up at some point in their life and you know what, they live on. Admitting what you did is the first step to healing but your doing the wrong thing now and that is trying to bury your past. It will never just completely disappear forever, no matter how much dirt you put on top of it, it's still there. In the words of the German politician Richard von Weizsaecker, Seeking to forget makes exile all the longer; the secret of redemption lies in remembrance."

I sat there wide eyed at his wisdom. Maybe he was right. Maybe talking about it really does help ease the pain of guilt. I sat up in the chair and pulled him from the table into a tight embrace startling him in the process. As he felt my hug, I felt his grip tighten around my back in a returned favor type of manor.

"Thank you so much." I chocked out holding back tears again.

" No problem...you have been through a lot and...I'm glad that your trying to turn it all around."

We broke of the hug shortly after that moment and sat for a while talking about our college lives and what we planned to do with our selves. He wanted to become a journalist. A next Hunter S. Thompson in his own words. It turns out we had a lot in common. We liked the same authors, similar music and even similar TV shows. We talked for another hour before he stopped the conversation once again and thought for a long moment. I was nervous that maybe I said something wrong until he gave me that sincere look that he had when he first dragged me in here.

"Um...I was wondering if you would like to room with Craig and I. That is if you don't already have a room to stay in...we can work something out to get a third person in our room so it wouldn't be a problem with the..." Now it was my turn to interrupt him.

" I think I would like that very much." I smiled at him on both the outside and inside. He had know idea just how content he had made me. Maybe I won't be a fuck up my whole life. I laughed slightly.

Or...maybe I will, but what ever happens, I know that this otter... Joshua, has my back. I wonder...how is he so calm and relaxed about this, about me I mean. I just vented to a total stranger and now were best friends? I felt a warm feeling pass from my stomach and work its way across my chest giving me goose bumps. Maybe being honest does have its benefits.

I staggered off the chair and ushered for him to stand up.

"Com'on Josh, I need to get some water in me to flush this drug from my system. Lets go find Craig, I'm sure he wants to know where we have have been for the past two hours."

He nodded getting to his hind paws and making for the door. Then he stopped and turn to face me with the first emotion I saw all night from him. I was a curt sly grin.

"And leave your baggage at the door."