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-BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP-

I woke up with a gasp and blinked at the sunlight spilling over my covers as my chest rose and fell rapidly as I struggled through the covers and the last of my dream. A dream that had been tauntingly erotic and realistic that I barely realized what the loud noise was ringing in my ears as I sat up. The alarm was blaring so loudly that it was making my ears vibrate while I struggled to reach over and slap it off. My hand barely reached it as I rolled to my side, but the silence was absolutely glorious when I finally jammed my finger on the button. Granted, that only drove home the trembling state of my body and the after effects of what I had just been dreaming of.

Hiasaki. I was hot all over, my chest beating so fast I could almost taste it on the back of my tongue and every inch of me was quivering and ready for more. I had a sensory memory of the warm canine tongue on my own, his body had been atop me. It was so realistic that I nearly expected to see him beside me in the bed, or to catch his scent as I pushed up to lean back against the head board, staring down at my own shaking paws. I was on edge, it was maddening and humiliatingly all at once as I glanced down at myself. I didn't see what had been in the dream, my chest was flat with the mussed up fur laying over my nipples, there was no softness there.

I had lean muscles, not enough softness like I had believed I'd had, and my hips were slender instead of padded softly. And most damning, and humiliatingly, of all was the bulge under the covers as I moved. I was disgusted, I was embarrassed and angry as I stared at the testament to my own arousal beneath the covers. I wanted to ignore it, to get out of bed and go about my morning and normally I would have, but every fiber of me with throbbing with need. It ached, I wanted to be touched, I remembered being touched. My entire lower body felt tight and ready, and I let out a noise before pushing my paw beneath the covers. I didn't look, instead I leaned back as I nudged my boxers down, my fingers finding the stiff modest spire.

I shuddered into my own hold, feeling the wetness trickling against my paw as I squirmed in place, my hips rocking upwards immediately. I wanted to jerk my hand away, it didn't feel... right. It was the wrong sensation for what I was expecting, I wanted to be slick and feel my fingers sinking into myself- No, not that thought. I pulled my ears back and leaned my head against the head board, instead imagining something else entirely. It wasn't mine, it was his. He was above me, pressed against me as he had been in the dream and I gave into the urge to touch him as I had wanted too. I wanted to feel him against my fingers and it was so easy to stroke up and down his length.

I stifled a moan as my fingers caught against my glans, my mind pushing up barriers to imagine him pushing along my clit. I began to pump slowly, working the wetness along my spire as my hips gave little rocks upwards and my other hand reached up to grip the head of my bed. My mind was flush with material for my arousal, every touch in my dream was reviewed, felt again, rousing me as I pictured holding the fox's girth in my paw. I could feel him throbbing and hard, quivering and eager as his lips closed against mine again. I knew he was moaning, he would moan and my name would be murmured against my lips as he began to edge his hips forward, pushing into my body. The image was too much, I couldn't hold back.

With a rough cry I arched myself upwards, my entire body trembling with the pleasure that crashed over me as my cock began to pulse against the curve of my paw. It blurred together, my mind vividly imagining the feel of him sinking into me, his hips pushing downwards. For a glistening golden edged moment, it all came together and I didn't care about anything else. I bite my lower lip and dropped back down with my breath coming out in short bursts, my eyes fluttered shut as I simply relaxed into the feeling. It didn't last long, not when I could feel the sticky cum on my fingers and the wetness pooling on my bare belly. Whatever satisfaction and pleasure I received from orgasm was lost in a mixture of anger and shame as I swung out of the bed.

The rank scent of male arousal was on the air, taunting me with what I'd done as I stood up and grimaced. I ignored it, or at least tried to, as I marched to the shower with my ears held tight to my head. I just wanted to wash away my sins, and my self-loathing, in a long hot shower. It wouldn't cure it all, but it was doing something to try and keep my mind from lingering on an act that didn't truly bring me pleasure. Only a brief relief, which was hardly worth the price for the emotional gauntlet afterwards.

~ ~ * ~ ~

My day only continued as a roller coaster as it started out with CJ pulling up in his car with a lazy grin and wearing the Packhouse uniform. It was always a good day when I got a ride into work, but at the same time I didn't know exactly what to say to him as I slipped into the passenger seat. The moment I did, I knew that he was going to say something. He had a smile on his face, the sort that told me he knew something and was enjoying drawing out the silence to see if I'd be the one to bring it up. I flattened back into the seat and stared out the window, hoping that I could just go to work and not be bothered.

"So... I saw ya with the fox at the club." The rat spoke up eventually, turning his car onto the road that would lead to my work. "Your co-worker was bleedin' amused to see you with a fox, said he didn't figure you for the type."

"It wasn't what you think." I muttered, trying not to blush, and failing miserably. How could I not blush? Not when the dream was still fresh in my mind.

Hiasaki had been enjoyable company at the club as we had found a booth to overlook the dance floor and had begun talking. I'd been a bit surprised to find out that he had been imported from the small island off the coast of our western most border. I'd been told about it, Tailania was nearly big enough to be a small country, but it was strange and backwards in many ways. It was one of the few places that didn't have walls around their cities. It wasn't because crime and gangs weren't an issue, but because they had only one punishment and that punishment was death. No one left it, at least not that I'd heard of, but he'd come from there. It explained his height and strange features at least, and certainly the symbol etched in his ear. Most of the clans out that way had markings of their own tattooed at birth to make sure that they were easily identified.

His background had opened up a subject for us to talk about, not that I needed much help to draw him into conversation. I'd loved the company, honestly because he was handsome and I was a bit smitten, but also because he seemed to be utterly happy to stick with me instead of dancing. The attention was flattering, even if it weren't just for my company that he was hanging out. He'd confessed that he could dance, but he always felt as if people stared at him when he did. He worked on cars, and computers. He built bikes in his spare time and spent most weekends in a junk yard salvaging things that could prove interesting. He took things apart, he liked to eat in the woods when he could slip past the Wall, he enjoyed music, but didn't have a great deal of patience for live concerts. I found out a lot about him, and it was all entirely useless.

"You're blushing." CJ commented as he turned towards the security point. "Do ya know that your fur actually gets pinkish when ya blush that hard?"

"Shut up!" I snapped out, almost growling while squirming in the seat. "Yeah, we talked, but it's not like we did anything else. He probably was just looking for a friend."

"Friends don't slip ya business cards." He tilted his head towards me and winked one bright eye. "I saw that yanno, thought ya'd wanna bring him out afterwards to dinner since we were all goin'."

"No." I shook my head and reached into my pocket to dig out my card as we rolled to the security point. "What's the point? It's not like we could do anything, if he's gay there's not really much I'll do with him and if he's not gay then he sure as hell isn't looking at me for a good time."

"No harm tryin', kid." CJ shrugged a little and handed over the card to the guard. "You gonna at least call him?"

"No." I blurted out, I didn't think before I said it. The idea of calling him and hanging out had been an idea last night, but now....

The dream had been so damned realistic, it had been a blur of heat and desire that had tainted every hope I could have had of looking the fox in the eye again. How could I see him without thinking of what my mind pictured him as naked? A part of me wondered if he were gay, if he had thought I was, if he was, I could at least... The moment I had that thought, I squelched it down. I couldn't do that, I was barely able to touch myself without feeling disgusted, how could I let someone like him touch me and be alright with it? It was better that I ignore the meeting and set my mind on other things. Things I could change, things I could do. I squirmed in place as we rolled up to the main building, my ears twitching upwards a little as CJ pulled right in front and threw his rackety old car into park.

"Here, Stefan got this for ya." The rat flipped a dark red and white card towards me. "You can call to make an appointment, might wanna talk to HR first though.."

I scrabbled to catch the card, twitching it over to see the medical emblem on the front and felt a little bit of a twinge. "Oh, th-thank you. Do you think you could..."

"If ya want, but I gotta say, I ain't gonna be much help." CJ admitted, leaning back in his seat as he leaned over to ruffle my shaved head fur. "But moral support I can do, eh?"

"I'd like that." I pushed the card into my pocket, feeling a bit of the weight coming off my shoulders as I did so. If I had a friend there, maybe it wouldn't be so bad.

The moment I got out of the car I realized that today wasn't going to be another day working with the Wall crew or even down in the labs. I stepped into the main room of the building to absolute chaos as people were milling around and muttering to one another. The light pushes here and there crowded me to the outer edges and I had to struggle to get towards the elevators. I didn't know what was going on, only that the place was stuffed to the gills with everyone from normal personnel to the actual security guards in their full uniforms. I had to watch out as most of the security staff boasted stiff paw coverings that would easily smash my bare toes. I got partway to the elevators when my tufted tail was caught and tugged firmly enough that I let an embarrassing yowl.

The moment it left my mouth, at least half a dozen people turned to glare at me and I snapped my jaw shut and swung around to snarl at the offender. I half expected to see someone ready to apologize for stepping on my tail, but it was Sanmer, his hair braided in a tight single braid with a slight abashed smile on his face and my tail still in his hand. He gave a gesture, tugging again without speaking to get me to push through the crowd towards the outer edges of the gathering. When I saw the glass panels and the outside world I lost some of the claustrophobic feeling that had been building. I'd never seen so many people packed into the front atrium before.

"What the hell is going on?" I hissed at Sanmer as the fox grinned up at me and I felt a pang as I stared into the slender white features. He was smaller and more delicate than Hiasaki, but it still made me guiltily think of my dream.

"Don't you read the memos?" He tilted his head back a little. "It's training day, we're going to get bruised and beaten and pounded into the ground all in the name of our illustrious boss wanting us to have basic security training. And team building, of course."

"Fuck." I hissed the word out with feeling, my stomach going tense and unhappy. "I forgot."

Forgot, more like I had tried to ignore it whenever I heard the talk around the office. It was standard procedure that Solare had everyone go through basic security and defense maneuvers. CJ had told me about it when I'd signed up, carefully explaining that it was done to make sure if they actually needed us to hold a position we could go to it without needing someone else to be there. He'd also said something about sabotage and the issues that arose with some of the gangs out beyond the Wall. I hadn't wanted to contemplate it, I didn't want to go through this. The idea of someone coming at me and them expecting me to defend myself made my stomach go cold and my muscles freeze. I'd had enough of people in my life trying to hit me, I didn't want to have it be a part of my job. He'd told me that he'd talk to Solare about it, but I didn't know if he had or not.

"Hey... Shall! Helllllllllllllo." White fingers snapped in front my face, making me snap my eyes back towards Sanmer.

"...Into the left field behind the main building. Workers N-P will be running to the..." Solare's vibrant voice rumbled from somewhere in the room, I couldn't see him, but I glanced back at the fox.

"Shit, sorry, I'm kinda off this morning." I admitted and ran my fingers ruefully along the back of my neck. "Lost in thought."

"We're heading out to the picnic area just out back." Sanmer let out a puffing sound and started to edge along the wall. "I really hope we're not going to be stuck running laps. Last year we did, I think Solare was pissed off at IT, most of them were the ones running."

"I don't see why we have to do this at all." I murmured, trying to ignore the crush of people that were already moving towards the doors. There was a cheerful disregard for personal space as everyone tried to head out to their assigned spots.

"Team building mostly, I think. I mean, I know there's other reasons, but I really do think that Solare likes to get us all working together." He called back, bouncing down the walkway as I struggled to keep up. "And it's fun, sorta. We get to have a big picnic after wards and there's always catering during the week."

"I guess." I lashed my tail tip nervously back and forth as we made our way to the picnic tables, my mind on half a dozen things at once. Not the least of which was the fact that Sanmer was making my mind slip back to my earlier dream.

"So, how'd your date with Lani go?" I spoke up as we began down the path with the rest of the folks from the lab, the chill wind was teasing my fur.

"A gentleman does not kiss and tell!" He responded, his eyes wide and innocent, almost playfully offended. "Why, it would be shameful to the lady."

"Uh-huh." I grinned a little. "I don't think you can really qualify as a gentleman, not the way you were dancing. Thank god for clothes!"

"That's called the timeless art of seduction." The thick white tail was wagging back and forth slowly. "And besides, you could have had a dance with her if you'd have just come down from the balcony. I think she likes seeing another cat around."

"Lions and wildcats aren't exactly the same." I settled down onto a picnic table, my stomach curling and twisting as I saw the mats laid out flat on the ground.

I barely listened when Sanmer made a comment about how close our species' were, I was too busy eying the uniformed security staff that were nearby, one of them smoking. I didn't want to get physical with anyone, I didn't know how I'd react to what they were trying to teach us, but I knew I wasn't comfortable with anyone trying to rush me. It was too close to what I"d been through in the past. The only real comfort was the fact that the small gathering of security guards all seemed to be prey animals instead of a predator, that would take away the chance that I'd see my father in the way they lunged for me.

_One week, I just have to get through a week. _ I blew out a sigh and leaned back, not feeling particularly confident in what we were about to go through.

_ _

~ ~ * ~ ~

_ _

"He's not going to break, get behind him and get a hold of his arm!" Solare's voice was a snapping rumble that made me flinch as I reached for Sanmer's wrist, the one holding the gun. He was amazingly limber, able to bend himself under me while his hips rocked to the side.

_ _

We were in a pile on the mats, writhing together and struggling for one of us to get the upper hand as I dug my bare paws against the padded fabric and gave another lunge forward. I could feel the others watching us, they were studying the way we moved and how we tried to break free of one another, but I couldn't let that bother me. I lunged forward again, trusting my greater weight and reach to fumble for the gun again. The 'gun' was actually just made of wood, hardly threatening, but the goal was to get it and get away. Others had caught on quite easily, they either remembered this from last year or were better equipped, but I certainly wasn't the worst. Though, it was awkward rolling around on the mat wrestling.

_ _

Sanmer was lithe enough that getting him pinned was nearly impossible, every time I got him down he would wiggle out in the most inventive ways. It made me regret snagging him for my partner at the start of the week, especially when he was twisting around under me and I felt his hip jab right up against my stomach. For half a moment, we were rather intimately pressed against one another, panting shallowly and struggling to get control of the gun, and then he grinned and gave a push of one knee. I didn't have time to do more than brace myself before his weight was thrown up hard enough that I was rolled under him. The mats cushioned my fall as he pushed the gun right down against my chest and grinned as the smooth wood pinned my shirt against my fur.

_ _

"Bang, you're dead." He panted, his tongue hanging out from between his sharp white teeth and his long hair coming unbraided in tendrils.

_ _

"Alright," Solare rumbled from the sidelines and I lifted my head to see the large heavy male watching him. "You made the mistake in grappling with him. Never wrestle if you can help it, it's too hard to keep track of the weapon and it gets out of control, but an admirable try. In the future, you have to put your focus on his weapon arm and take him out quickly."

_ _

"Okay.." I panted up at my boss, and let out a growl before pushing at Sanmer. "Off, you weight more than you look."

_ _

The fox's smile only grew a bit wider, but he got off me without much fuss, for which I was grateful. My dreams lately had become more vivid and erotic, featuring the same star time and again, but there was just enough of a resemblance between the pair of them that being so close to the fox made things a little awkward. Not that Sanmer ever gave any hint that he knew how awkward it was, he seemed to be having a grand time with the team building exercises. Even now, he looked like he was ready to go again, his eyes bright with mischief that I never fully trusted. There was just something about that look that made me want to want to open my locker from the side, just in case he'd booby trapped it somehow.

_ _

I scrambled up onto my paws again and tried to straighten my fur before stepping off the mat, my eyes not watching the lion that was overseeing all of it. Solare was impressive, and intimidating. He was what a lion should be, not the broken and monstrous man that had been my father. He was confident, he had not an ounce of doubt when he spoke, or a temper, he seemed to understand when he was in the right and knew how to make others see it. I'd never heard him raise his voice in anger, only to be heard, and over the last five days I'd been around him more than I had been since I'd started working for him. He had decided to take an interest in our group and been helping to oversee the various exercises instead of the uniformed guards that should have been doing it. I didn't know why, but I was grateful for it, I'd already noticed that we weren't doing half the things the other groups were. He seemed to concentrate only on us disarming an opponent and running for help instead of outright immobilizing and restraining them.

_ _

The training had been... easier than I had thought it would be. Despite a few mild panic attacks at the start, I felt more relieved that I was learning to defend myself. I had already learned how to evade a punch, how to trip up an attacker, how to best keep a blow from landing somewhere it would do damage. I'd been told that I would have to practice to recall it and keep it fresh, but it made me feel... stronger. I'd noticed that while Solare could be gruff and forceful with those that didn't learn swiftly enough, he was more patient with me. His voice was always soothing, his comments reassuring, it made me wonder if CJ had said something to him. I certainly didn't have any sort of bond with the old lion, I'd only met him when I'd been employed.

_ _

"You're getting better." Sanmer offered as he made his way to the picnic table. "Soon you might even be able to get the gun before I pin you."

_ _

"You're half ferret." I growled playfully as Sanmer hopped up on the picnic bench. The ram that had been sitting there shifted away, his eyes wary as the fox made himself at home.

_ _

I watched the ram closely for a moment as I settled down beside the fox, watching the way the caprine gave another long look before returning to talking to his friend. It was something I hadn't noticed before, mostly because Sanmer and I were mostly in the lab, but the fox seemed to intimidate quite a few other employees. He never did anything that I would consider worthy of those looks, aside from his sharp tongue, but they still regarded him warily whenever they thought he wasn't watching. It was a peculiarity that I tucked away as I settled back and grinned as he gave me an insulted look at my comment about ferrets.

_ _

"Mmm, doubt it, or I wouldn't have to-" He started to answer, his eyes flicking down and I tipped my ears back with a hot flush.

_ _

"I don't wanna hear it." I retorted, shaking my head just enough to show that I didn't want to hear about anything that had to do with his loins. "You've got a dirty mind."

_ _

"Maybe, but who wouldn't tumbling around on the mat with you." Sanmer teased, batting his eyes until I rolled my own. I couldn't quite stop the redness tinging my ears. "So, you coming out to the club tonight?"

"Nah, I told you.. I have a doctor's appointment." I tried to sound casual as I responded, but my stomach still jumped.

_ _

I had nearly been sick when I'd called the doctor's office, nearly. It just wasn't something I knew how to say or how to start out, but I had been determined to do it. I had been stuttering on the phone to the nice nurse, unable to really get my request out with a calm voice. That had been two days ago, and every day had both dragged on and gone too quickly. It was the first step, the big first step, and I was terrified, excited, elated and depressed all at once. I didn't know what emotion to attach to it at any given point, I didn't really understand them myself, I just knew that it was time for me to take that first step. Even today, I kept glancing at the clock and wondering if the day would go any faster, and dreading it would be over too soon. In short, I was a mess, conflicting emotions warred against one another until I felt as if I should have just called off for the day entirely and stayed home. I would have too, if CJ or Stefan had been off.

_ _

Or Ivan or Ollie.. A voice murmured in my mind, and I felt a stab of guilt and pushed the thought away before I could linger on it.

_ _

"Come on, you made a friend last time, you can have a good time after your appointment." Sanmer wheedled, barely watching the next pair on the mats. "Lani doesn't know many people here, and it's not like you have any plans after your appointment."

_ _

"Yeah, but it could be longer than I think and I just want to relax tonight, okay?" I excused myself, and drew my legs up so I could prop my chin on my knees.

_ _

"C'mon, you had fun. This time you can even dance." He tried again, pushing me with one of his elbows.

_ _

I did have fun the last time, there was no denying that, but I couldn't go back. There was a good chance that I'd run into Hiasaki again, and just thinking of the chances of that made my shoulders go tense. I did want to run into him. I had been staring at his card for days and nearly called him half a dozen times, but I couldn't. No matter if I had a crush on him and thought him attractive, nothing could ever come of it. How could it? Even if he was attracted to me for one reason or another, it wasn't like I would be staying the same. If he was straight, he'd just be horrified that I was even considering setting my body right. I could try for friendship, but as it was, it would be complicated and messy, and there was no way I wanted to try and juggle more in my life. I had told myself the same thing time and time again when I really did want to call him.

_ _

As it was, I was dreading talking to Ollie and Ivan. I knew they were bothered I was keeping my distance, but I had no idea what to say to them or how to explain that I was planning on changing myself to become what I saw myself to be. How could they possibly understand? I would already have to explain to the people I worked with, to Sanmer, to people I casually saw if it came down to it. I didn't know how to deal with telling them, I didn't even know how I was going to tell Sanmer. The lady in human resources had been.. horrified to put it lightly. She had stared at me as if I were speaking in tongues when I'd asked after what my benefits covered. The moment of dismay was only covered by the patantly fake smile that had erupted on her face as she tried to hide her feelings from me. It had hurt, it had been embarrassing, and I could only wonder how I would feel if it were my friends.

_ _

_No, my life isn't ready for anymore relationships or friendships, it's just starting to get complicated._I thought as I watched the pair on the mat get up and make way for others.

_ _

"I'll take silence as ascent." Sanmer chimed into my thoughts and I flicked my ears, snapping back into the preasant.

_ _

"No, it most certainly is not ascent!" I protested. "I really do have to deal with my appointment, maybe some other time."

"Seriously?" Sanmer gave a pained look. "Don't make be beg, Shall. Lani really enjoyed hanging out with others, I'm the only one she knows down here."

_ _

"We can do it some other time." I relented a touch, but my thoughts were once more on my appointment.

_ _

"Tomorrow! We can all get together for a bite to eat." The fox brightened at his suggestion. "We can have lunch down at the Packhouse. I haven't taken her there."

"That's a coffee shop." I shook my head a little in amusement as Sanmer wiggled his toes a touch and smirked.

_ _

"Well, I assume that's when we'll be waking up for the day, so we'll need coffee." He answered slyly, watching me from the corner of his eyes.

_ _

"Fine.." I laughed and gave my head a shake. "We can do that, then. I can even bring CJ and Stefan along if she wants to get to know them."

_ _

"Perfect! Afterwards we can go out and do something, maybe we can go down to the waterfalls." Sanmer settled back smugly, looking well pleased with himself as I shook my head.

_ _

I just smiled back, my attention going back to the folks on the mats, but my mind was already slipping away to other thoughts. Three hours and twenty minutes until I was standing in a doctor's office, taking the first step to a new future. My claws slipped out of their sheaths and dug into the picnic table as the tension returned. My fixation on my appointment made it easier to hide my own confusion regarding my high school friends... and Hiasaki.