Ander - Part 4: Subchapter 21
21
Kadai sat down on his bedroll, thankful to be back in the shade after spending so much time out in the sun. After all the things he's gone through; burying his baby daughter in the woods, watching his sons get brutalized to within an inch of their lives, he didn't think going through a pile of ashes would be so painful, but it was. All those little bits and pieces of Ander's memory within the rubble, things he wished he could've paid more attention to back when there was still time. Half of the things he had found in there didn't even make sense to him. There was a little metal ball attached to a frame, still warm to the touch, but Kadai had no idea what it was supposed to be used for. Underneath a scorched layer of bedding he had found the jaws of one of Wardo's biters, but it was never really Wardo's creation, was it? No, it was originally meant to do something else, but no matter how hard Kadai strained his mind, he simply could not remember what it was. He wanted to tell himself it was just his memory starting to fail him in his old age, but deep down he knew the truth.
He simply didn't care. Back then, when Ander came to him with yet another of his incomprehensible contraptions, Kadai had simply waved the boy off. The Wolves didn't like to see him running around with things they didn't understand, and truth be told, neither did Kadai.
He lied down with a groan and closed his eyes, marvelling at what a _fantastic_hypocrite he was. This was the remorse of a fool who only realized he was a fool long after it was too late to do anything about it. And now Hezzi... All of the things he had said were true, but Kadai couldn't go through with something like that. But maybe it just needed some modification? Yes, Wardo was an expert tracker, but maybe if they hid Lana well enough, he'd never be able to find her. Maybe if they spirited her away in the middle of the night? Then Danado would have no reason not to accuse his attackers. Maybe he could have Nilia guard her? She was as good as three warriors all by herself, but against a mob... he just didn't know. There were so many things that could go wrong...
Kadai rubbed his forehead, trying to ignore the pounding headache inside his skull. It kept time with his heartbeat: thump-THUMP thump-THUMP thump-THUMP... driving him crazy.
It wouldn't do any good to speak to Danado right now, not while he was still a barely conscious wreck, but it would have to be soon. Today, even. He'd be upfront and honest about the different possibilities, but ultimately the choice would fall to Lana. She was no warrior, but she was a strong she-wolf, and she cared deeply for her little brother. If Kadai made his case well, she would probably agree to do it. Hell, she might even agree to more than that. The fury he saw in her eyes as she flashed that knife spoke of a thirst for vengeance. She might want to testify against Wardo along with her little brother. But what happens afterward? Even if some of Wardo's supporters get punished, and even if Wardo himself gets banished, what if there are others waiting in the wings? That was another problem he had to face. He simply did not know how many Wolves were being drawn to Wardo's cause. Most of the warriors, probably, considering the way they revered both Banno and Garten. If enough of them have crossed over, then there might not even be any reason for all this sneaky backstabbing. They could launch a full-blown revolt. If that happens, then the law might as well be no more than the ash underneath his feet right now...
He covered his eyes with his hands and stared into the darkness, hoping that a magical solution would materialize out of nowhere, some master plan that would fix everything in one shot.
All he saw were those blobby green splotches that always appeared whenever he covered his eyes long enough. No flashes of brilliance for him. He lowered his hands, wondering how long he should wait before talking to Lana again. Maybe it would be best to go right now and get it over with. Get some more heads together to -
He heard someone lift the flap of his tent, then soft footfalls in the dirt, coming closer. The scent was oh so familiar, but he kept his eyes closed and pretended to sleep. There was only one Wolf who could come in here without an invite, only one Wolf who constantly smelled of herbs and blood, and Kadai did not want to speak to her right now. Or ever.
"I know you're awake, Kadai. I can hear your heartbeat."
It was the she-wolf who had tried to kill his dosa.
"Leave me, Shekka," he said, his eyes still closed. "I'm tired."
"I need to speak with you."
"I said, _please_leave me." Kadai couldn't bear to be near this creature, not after what she had said and done. She might as well have taken a dagger and slit Ander's throat as he stood tied to the arms of her precious god, helpless and pleading for mercy from someone who was supposed to give her all to protect him.
You are such a hypocrite, Kadai. It's too late to think like that now. Much too late...
"I cannot leave, Kadai. I have to speak with -"
Kadai sat up and shouted "Leave me!!" at the top of his voice, expecting to see the withered hag of his nightmares bending over him, the witch who had tried to kill his second son, but all he saw was Shekka, on her knees, her snout almost touching the ground, a small plate of cubed venison by her side.
And she was crying.
Kadai tried to think back to the last time he had seen her cry, but he couldn't even remember. A part of him wanted to go to her and comfort her as he had on those dark nights all those years ago, when she had wept in his arms, cringing away from the gathering shadows only she could see.
But he would not. "What do you want from me, Shekka?"
"Just to talk, Kadai. That's all. You've been avoiding me ever since... what happened. And I can't stand it anymore. I have to know..." She raised her head just a little bit, and looked up at him with her hollow, milky eyes. "Do you hate me?"
Kadai knew the answer to that question, of course, but it was not something he wanted to say out loud, because he was ashamed. Not because he hated his mate of thirty years, but because he would love nothing more than to cut her as deeply as he could with a single word of damnation.
Yes. I hate you, Shekka. Yes. I want to climb on top of the statue's head and scream it for the entire tribe to hear. Yes. I hate you for what you did to our son. Yes. I hate you.
YES!!
But he said nothing.
Shekka lowered her blank gaze. "I see..."
"Why did you do it, Shekka?" he asked, fuming. "You tried to get Ander burned alive. What kind of mother would do that to her own son?"
Her ear twitched, a sure sign he had struck a nerve, but now she was the one who refused to give an answer.
"Raise your head, Shekka. You wanted to talk, so let's talk. Mate to mate. We've been together for most of our lives, so if we can't be direct to each other, then what's the point? You wanted to know if I hate you, and the answer is yes. Right now, I do hate you. I said, raise your head!" Kadai reached out, grabbed her by the chin and forced her head up so they could look each other in the eye. She complied without any resistance, and Kadai immediately regretted his decision. Reflected back in her eyes, he looked like a monster. In fact, if it wasn't for the lack of a third eye in his forehead, he would have looked a lot like the Cora she so revered. A single tear overflowed from her eye, travelled down her cheek, and pooled against his finger.
Kadai pushed her away as if it had burned him. He couldn't stand to look at her anymore.
"I did it for you," she said, looking right through him.
"Don't say that."
"They would have killed you, Kadai! Can't you understand that!? What was I supposed to do? Banno's death hurt me so much... It still does. It's a pain you and I share. I didn't want to see Ander die! It's just... losing the both of you... all three of you... I couldn't..." She reached out with trembling fingers, searching for him inside her eternal darkness.
"Please don't touch me, Shekka."
"I wanted to save you... There was nothing I could do for Ander, but I could save you..." She lightly touched his shoulder, her fingers like spiders' legs. "Please, Kadai, don't leave me all alone in the dark... I beg of you..."
Kadai grabbed her by the wrist, not knowing what he intended to do until he _did_it.
He pulled her in close and he embraced her, the coldest, most difficult embrace of his life.
"I still hate you, Shekka, and I don't know if I can ever convince my heart to feel otherwise," he whispered in her ear. "But you are still Hezzi's mother, and for that reason, I will try my best. That's all I can do."
"I understand, Kadai," she whispered back, squeezing him close. "Even if you hate me, I want you to know that I still love you. I'll always love you, just as I'll always love my three sons."
Kadai didn't want to squeeze her back. He didn't want to feel her comfort. Even though he had just said otherwise, he only wanted to hate her, and keep on hating her for as long as he was able, because hating her made him feel better.
So then why was he squeezing her back? Why was he feeling her comfort? Has he lost so much that he couldn't bear to lose any more?
"Ander is still alive," she said. "I can feel it."
"How do you know?" Kadai asked, slightly taken aback. He thought that, out of all the Wolves, only he and Hezzi believed Ander to still be alive.
"Because..." Shekka pulled back and looked deep into his eyes with her endless stare, "... a mother knows."
Kadai thought he saw something flash in those white orbs, something carefully hidden away, but then it was gone, and he was simply looking at his mate again, the she-wolf who carried both his love and his hatred.
"I've heard the most awful things," she said, turning her face away. "The fire, Danado getting attacked, Mellah and Sorrin's tent getting shredded in the night. You must be exhausted. Here..." She felt around until her hand found the plate she had come in with, heaped up with those little cubes of venison she used to make in happier times. She held it out to him, a cautious smile touching the corners of her lips. "I thought you might like some -"
"I'm not hungry."
"Oh." Her face fell. "But you need to keep your strength up. Surely, difficult times lie ahead for both of us."
"No. I just want to sleep."
"Please, Kadai? I went to a lot of trouble, and this used to be your favouri - "
"I said no!"
She flinched, and a single cube of meat rolled away from its peers and dropped down to the ground. It was so juicy that grains of sand stuck right to its shiny sides.
"I'm sorry," Shekka said. "I was foolish to think that things could ever go back to the way they once were. I'll leave you in peace."
She got up to leave, and even though Kadai knew he would probably regret it, he had to stop her. "Shekka, wait."
She stopped half-rise. "Yes?"
"Give it here."
"Really?"
Kadai was surprised by how hopeful she sounded, almost like the day he first approached her for courtship. "Yes, really."
She sat back down and extended the plate to him like an offering, a huge smile on her face. "You'll like this, Kadai. I made it special, just for you."
"I'm sure you did, Shekka." Kadai took the plate from her hands and breathed deeply of the meaty aroma. It was just like he remembered, but with a subtle scent underneath, something... earthy. "Did you do something different to it?"
"Like I said, I made it special. Now eat up."
Kadai took the first glistening cube between his fingers - so wet it was almost dripping - and popped it into his mouth. It was soft and chewy, only lightly cooked, just the way he liked it. It awoke the hunger that had been building in the pit of his stomach all day long, supressed by the endless rigours and stresses of the morning. He suddenly felt ravenous.
He stuffed another cube into his mouth, then held the plate out to Shekka, but she raised her hands and shook her head. "No, Kadai. I made it for you. I know it's not much, barely anything, really, but it's my way of saying how sorry I am for everything that's happened."
Kadai swallowed, and regarded his mate like he hasn't done in many years. Did she really save his life by acting the way she did? He could not see the future, and neither could he see how things might have turned out if things had been done differently, but he did believe that she loved him, and he believed that, no matter what, she would always do everything in her power to protect her family, even if it meant sacrificing one to save the others.
Maybe that kind of thinking ran in the family.
Maybe, if Shekka hadn't acted the way she did, there wouldn't be any family. Maybe all of them would have died. But could that really justify her actions? Kadai didn't know.
He looked down at the plate of meat in his hands and thought of Sarah. She used to have a saying for things like this: 'What's done is done and can't be undone'. It's useless to brood over the past and try to think of how things might have been. You'll only end up driving yourself crazy over something you can't possibly change. It's better to see the present and plan for the future, and for now, the simple knowledge that Shekka had acted out of love for her family, rather than hatred for her dosa, was enough for him.
Kadai put the second cube of meat in his mouth and watched as Shekka listened to him chew with a strange, peaceful smile on her face.
He swallowed.
It was good.
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