Goldenmane Chapter VII: Diplomacy for Dummies
#7 of Goldenmane
As Agent Stud Colt finally heads to Stuttgart to follow up on the whispers of Operation Kardashian, little does he know that the fiendish plan has run into some probelms.
Number One is not going to be happy...and no cock will be safe from scorpions, just as soon as OH&S releases them.
The Leader was at his desk, as he tended to be at this time of day. His screen was full of the drooling figure of Number Seventeen, the stallion finally and completely broken and reduced to a quivering drooling mess with wide open eyes. At the moment he was attempting to sing along with Conchita Wurst, his cock letting out a constant stream of watery cum to drip onto the floor.
Rusty made a mental note to warn housekeeping to wipe up afterwards. OH&S section were onto him constantly about blood and other fluids constituting a substantial slip hazard and he really didn't want another run-in with the bloody minded bear in charge. There were few on the planet who made Rusty shiver in something not entirely unlike fear, but the bear managed it. Probably because he reminded Rusty of someone...
"Sir?"
The intercom buzzed with a deferential bleep. He knew who that must be.
"Yes Mr Kitty..."
He almost heard the bristling over the intercom. The leader gave a deep seated sigh. Sometimes being an evil overlord was a real pain in the neck. Even evil henchthings had feelings that needed stroking and coddling it seemed. Some day he would have to find a new team, composed of his own creatures completely incapable of any thought or emotion beyond incoherent rage and nothingness.
He made a note to speed up that plan to kidnap FOX News editorial staff. It was the closest he could find.
After a long pause, waiting for the emokitty to get over himself, and realising he never would, Number One gave another sigh.
"You really are a special snowflake aren't you Mister Kitty..."
The butthurt came through loud and clear.
"I have a PhD..."
"...from Harvard. I know. You know who else went to Harvard? Natalie Portman...you come from the same school as Padme. Suck on that kitty."
The whiny butthurt was back. The canine toyed with the idea of giving his protégé and assistant some time in the chair once they peeled the stallion off the leather, but at that moment Number Seventeen gave a massive shudder and painted the walls with his largest orgasm yet.
"Must be Iceland 1997...at least that dumb horse has taste."
"What?"
"Sorry Doctor Mittens..."
"Was that so hard?"
"Not as hard as I am watching Number Seventeen right now..."
"What?"
"Sorry, did I speak out loud, silly of me...what can I do for you Doctor Mittens?"
"Number Eleven is here to see you. He says it's urgent."
"Well, show the big stupid bull in will you."
"Um...I have you on speakerphone...Sir..."
The leader ground his incisors. "Just send him in." And he flicked the contact shut with an audible slap.
The door slid silently open, revealing his current favourite, a bull with an advanced sense of true bastardry. Almost like himself at that age; though this one was sweating. The leader wondered if there would need to be a second chair built soon, if he couldn't get his beloved scorpions back. The bull swallowed hard, and he affected an amused smile to put the big side of beef off balance.
"Well Number Eleven?"
"Ahh...we have a small problem Sir...with Operation Kardashian"
"Small problem. Hmm...my experience Number Eleven is that no problem is small, especially the ones that reach my office, and especially one ones that have a big bull marinating himself in his own sweat. So tell me...what is this small problem?"
"Ahh...we sent the letter of Demand as you ordered Sir, give us mega mega billions or we unleash this on the world...as well as the err... results of the control test..."
"Excellent. You know I particularly enjoyed that test number Eleven."
"Which one Sir? The first or the second..."
"Well the second obviously. Which idiot decided to test a virus capable of reducing the subject's IQ massively on a Tea Party convention?"
"Yes Sir. That particular operative..."
"Yes I know. The scorpions were especially stingy that day...no, the second test. Where we unleashed it on a sophomore philosophy class."
The bull and canine glowed for a moment in mutual golden reverie. That had been fun.
"They wont even be able to spell Nietzsche for the foreseeable future. So, that went according to plan, what is the problem with Operation Kardashian?"
The bull swallowed hard. It had to be though...
"Well..."
*****
Welcome to SoHuman Chat!
You are now talking in private chat room THE UN SECURITY COUNCIL
Cool marble and rich leather contrasts nicely with red, rich carpetry which makes the UN SECURITY COUNCIL ROOM a pleasant place to be in and determine the fate of the world for the peasants and people who don't matter. Comfy yet luxurious chairs come with translators and your own personal genital fluffer for those moments when the Ambassador from Iran goes batshit crazy and you want to gnaw your own arm off to escape back to your seventeen year old well hung lover in the hotel.
A HUMAN is looking at you from the podium. He is like all HUMANS kind of ugly looking, has skin and only patches of fur, and without a tail. How weird. He gestures for you to speak. It is time to impress the gathering with your mad diplomatic skills.
N.B. Launching nuclear war is generally frowned upon. Pro tip.
================
Bald_Eagle_1: Ok, anyone here yet?
Cowardly-Lion: Hey there Barack.
Bald_Eagle_1: Great to see you Mister Prime Minister Cameron.
Cowardly-Lion: Call me David please Mister President.
Bald_Eagle_1: Is that what Rupert Murdoch calls you?
Cowardly-Lion: No, he generally settles for here Gimpy Gimpy.
Very_Masculine_Bear: LOL! I told Rupert...I told him, and he did it! LOL I am so very powerful. And Masculine.
Bald_Eagle_1: Welcome Vladimir.
Very_Masculine_Bear: Anyone want to wrestle? Preferably semi naked...
Cowardly-Lion: No thanks Vladimir. I belong to Rupert...
Le-Coq-Sportif: And doesn't he know it...
Bald_Eagle_1: Enough Monsieur Hollande. Or do you want me to bring up your Mistress again?
Le-Coq-Sportif: How did you know I was getting un vice americain as we type?
Very_Masculine_Bear: Ahhh blowjobs. I'd love to get one right now. Any offers? From the ladies, of course...
Bald_Eagle_1: Shut up Vladimir.
Very_Masculine_Bear: You are just jealous nobody lets you play Russians and Ukrainians Barack. Go ahead one night, annex Michelle's Crimea...I dare you...
Imperial_German_Eagle: Can we discuss something other than Vladimir's penis just once? Everything is about Vladimir's penis. It's not that small Vladimir, you really don't need to overcompensate quite that much...
Le-Coq-Sportif: Bonjour Angela. You are looking especially ravishing today.
Imperial_German_Eagle: *Sighs* Francois, I will not lend you 20 billion Euro and that's final.
Very_Masculine_Bear: whispers to Imperial_German_Eagle: Pssst....hey Angela hows about we invade Poland? You know you want to you little Hohenzollern tart you...
Imperian_German_Eagle: whispers to Very_Masculine_Bear: Hey Vlad. Bite me.
Very_Masculine_Bear: whispers to Imperial_German_Eagle: I love it when you talk dirty. I could take you to my Dacha and wrestle, naked and well oiled while several strapping young men cover us in yoghurt...
Bald_Eagle_1: Stop whispering you lot! We need focus! Now, where's China?
Smaugy_Dragon: *snorts fire*
Bald_Eagle_1: Excellent. Ni hao Chairman Xi Jinping. How are things?
Smaugy_Dragon: Splendid. Always splendid. Are we ready to start? I have some preliminary questions if I may comrades.
Bald_Eagle_1: Go ahead. I don't think Italy is joining us today. The Mafia representative wanted a nap.
Smaugy_Dragon: Why exactly are we meeting here Barack?
Bald_Eagle_1: Excellent Question. I assume, from the coded replies you all gave me over the phone, that you all received the same letter I did.
Le-Coq-Sportif: Oui. Who ever heard of this group before? Murr? What is Murr?
Imperial_German_Eagle: Da.
Cowardly-Lion: Rupert says yes.
Bald_Eagle_1: And none of you have shared this with your respective security forces for obvious reasons.
Very_Masculine_Bear: In Soviet Russia, KGB calls you...
Bald_Eagle_1: Good. So, I thought it would be good to discuss this as world leaders, without our security services knowing at first. Gauge your reactions, see if they are the same as mine.
Smaugy_Dragon: Very well. You still haven't told me why here? This...fetish site, who ever heard of "humans" anyway? Disgusting things if you ask me, I'm sure this is why I took control of the internet in China, precisely to stop this kind of disgusting activity.
Imperial_German_Eagle: You are a true protector of liberty Chairman...
Smaugy_Dragon: Thank you *preens*
Bald_Eagle_1: The location is deliberate I assure you. Although the SoHuman chatroom may appear on first glance to be a strange place for a clandestine meeting of world leaders, it is in fact perfect. None of your security services bother to police it, for one simple reason. It is completely infested by NSA agents. They are everywhere. And they come here to get their freak on, not to eavesdrop.
Cowardly-Lion: Tell me about it. Trying to find this chatroom I stumbled into something...something...something...
Very_Masculine_Bear: Masculine?
Cowardly-Lion: No Vlad. It was...a whole room full of NSA agents pretending to be "humans". And they were roleplaying and...one was playing Maria from Sound of Music, and she was pegging Friedrich while they all sang "The Lonely Goatherd" and...oh God it was so horrible...I couldn't stop throwing up over and over...
Very_Masculine_Bear: Sounds like a nice day in the Duma for me.
Cowardly-Lion: Where do you find those guys Barack?
Bald_Eagle_1: They are the ones that failed the entrance exam for the CIA for being too stable but were too pervy for the TSA. Now, I'm a little disappointed none of you tried to take on a "Persona" for the meeting.
Very_Masculine_Bear: I'll be damned if I can even pretend to be human.
Le-Coq_Sportif: No arguments from me Vladimir.
Imperial_German_Eagle: Truer words Mister President.
Very_Masculine_Bear: Hang on...
Smaugy_Dragon: Mister President. Can we cut to the chase here? What are we going to do about the threat in that letter?
Bald_Eagle_1: Well, it goes without saying that we don't deal with terrorists.
Cowardly-Lion: Exactly! Like the Mujahiddeen...
Bald_Eagle_1: No Mister Cameron, not like that....no, we don't deal. Our experts have determined that we would be able to inoculate a small number of key personnel...advisors, members of cabinet, security, key industrialists...but for the bulk of the populace, we are talking the kind of existence that is barely tolerable...
Cowardly-Lion: Right!
Bald_Eagle_1: Dumb, trusting, undemanding...
Cowardly-Lion: How terrible!
Bald_Eagle_1: Completely blind to public maladministration, corruption, nepotism, incompetence...
Cowardly-Lion: The horror! And...wait a minute, Rupert is telling me something...what, so like readers of the Sun? All of them?
Bald_Eagle_1: Worse...
Cowardly-Lion: Apparently we're on board.
Bald_Eagle_1: So just a show of hands...anyone not think this is kind of great?
Bald_Eagle_1: Well then...it looks like we are agreed then. And it goes without saying, we need to keep this from our intelligence services. They might not..approve...
Smaugy_Dragon: I take back everything we have said about American Leadership Mister President.
Rainbow_Dash: I'm a pony! A sweet beautiful pony!
Imperial_German_Eagle: Who the schiesse let North Korea in?
Rainbow_Dash: Look at my mane! So pretty! Worship me, for I am beautiful and lovable!
Smaugy_Dragon: *snorts slightly embarrassed* sorry folks...
Rainbow_Dash: WORSHIP ME! OR FEEL MY PRETTY PRETTY HOOVES!
Bald_Eagle_1: Fuck you China. I keep telling you to ditch this guy, surely Dennis Rodman was enough warning?
Smaugy_Dragon: Leave it to us. We are inscrutable.
Le-Coq-Sportif: At least the whole world will be as cowed and trusting as North Korea soon. I might be able to have a mistress in peace.
Bald_Eagle_1: So it's agreed...
Rainbow_Dash: I...am...beautiful?
Very_Masculine_Bear: Yes pretty pony...let me wrestle you...in an entirely non-homoerotic way
Cowardly-Lion: I think I'm going to throw up again.
*****
"They said WHAT Number Eleven?"
The bull tried very hard to have the ground swallow him up but there was no luck. He had to take the terrible rage of his master, Rusty, as the canine fumed at the turn in all his plans. The bull gave his testicles only an even money chance of getting out of the room still attached to his body. His nosering jingled in terror.
"They said...they said...bring it...Sir."
"Bring it?"
"Yes. Bring it. Dude. Bring it dude. Then there was an emoticon that looked like someone giving the finger..."
"Bring it dude, and the finger."
"Y...yes...Sir..."
Number One sat dead silent, grinding his molars. This would not stand. This would not stand.
"I am very unhappy Number Eleven."
"S...sir?"
"Very...unhappy..."
The bull swallowed as his leader turned a withering gaze to his face. He only hoped the scorpions were merciful.