FSE

Furry search engine

formerly SoFurry search engine

Author Notes

_ _

I write this, not to garner attention, though posting it here I know it will generate some because that's what this website is for, but just to express myself in the only medium I truly know how to. No, this is my outlet; my way of screaming into a pillow or smashing my fist through the wall. I chose to do it this way instead of those other ways because I'm a thinker, not a force of nature. If none of this makes sense, then, well, I'm sorry but you've come to the wrong place.

I can count on a single hand the number of people who have previously seen my writings. I am extremely secretive when it comes to my works because I'm a very self-conscience individual who only sees the flaws in himself, and not the marvels. I've been battling that more recently than I ever have in my past, and so I figured this might be a way fight back. I was told by a good friend that they battled these same problems by seeing someone, who told them to set goals for themselves, keep themselves occupied, and relish in the accomplishment of those goals. Well, I'm skipping the part of seeing someone, and instead am setting the goal that I have to work on this story at least once a week until it's finished, and that I have to show it to others in the process. No matter how good or bad it is, it's going to be seen by others and I'm going to take whatever negative feedback I get, and use it to better myself.

The events in this story will probably be based and founded on real life events, however it will be a work of fiction once the backstory is set. I have no intention of creating a journal of my struggles for all to read; if I wanted that, I'd just do it that way and forget the storyline. No, this will be fiction, and I have no idea where it will go. I know any experienced writer will tell you "have an outline, know where your story is going to go and follow that as best you can as a guide". They're right, of course, but I don't think I can do that with this. This will come straight from the heart, processed through the mind and written from my fingertips. It will develop as I do... as I intend it to do.

_ _

I

_ _

The blinds on the window moved forward with the strong gust of wind, before slamming back against the window sill as the rushing air died down once more. It was late October, and the seasonal change was already well upon the world as that cool air that blew in crept down his blanket, sending another shiver through the wolf's body as he hugged his biggest pillow. The window was just above his bed, and he normally loved feeling the cold air in the room as he slept beneath his giant comforter. This morning, however, it only added to his despair as it cooled his tears on his face, causing him to shiver even more.

The gray wolf had gone to bed at 22:00 hours the night before, and as he turned over to gaze at the clock, he sighed as it read 14:32. Sixteen hours he'd already laid there, and he knew he'd only slept a few of those. He rolled back over and wrapped his arms tightly around the pillow once more, and a fresh trail of wind-cooled tears bit into the skin beneath his fur as he sobbed. He didn't even know why he was doing it at this point; only that his despair had been gnawing at him for months before and it had finally come to head a couple of nights prior when he was left alone in quiet room.

He had sat in his comfortable desk chair, staring at the monitor as some random video played. He hadn't been paying attention to it, really. His mind was too busy replaying the last few months, and the situation he now found himself in because of that past. A few months before he had a job; a good paying one at that. It had allowed him to finally leave the nest and join the world, and he had found himself in a new city with a new condo. He had been slowly maturing a possible love interest, and was just about to make the next move on the handsome tiger. He was progressing steadily in his job and felt that he was doing excellently within the company. He had been the king of his own little mountain, sitting high on the throne of happiness and young ambition.

One morning, though, a few hours from his normal time to wake up as he had worked a night shift, he received a call. It was from his job, and the voice on the line said that, "due to large budget cuts from higher up, your position within the company no longer exists, and unfortunately, you do not have any qualifications to possibly slide into a new position. Your last day was last Friday. I am sorry to see you go, and we thank you for your loyalty and your hard work with us."

At first, he had been all right. He immediately set on to finding a new job, and he had been told by a former co-worker of a place that was hiring that he had qualifications for. He quickly put in an application to the company he had been told about, as well as a few other places, and then he waited. As the days turned to several weeks, it began to take its toll. He became depressed, and he eventually stopped talking to his friends, and even his love interest. He didn't know how he was going to make ends meet, as his rent had been due already, and he had no job.

He finally settled on returning home to his family, and trying again. His family took him back with open arms, and he slowly paid off his debts with his unemployment as he continued his search.

But even that took its toll, and finally he cracked. As he sat there, reliving those memories, he found himself sobbing into his pillow. He pulled himself out of his sorrow the next morning though, and went through the day mostly normal. That following night, though, he found himself once more alone with just his thoughts for company. Like a circle of events, he repeated the previous night and morning, fighting with himself to go to sleep to hopefully wake up better once more, and then made it through the next day halfway normal.

So he found himself clutching his pillow once more, shivering as the cold wind from outside caressed him and added to his bleakness. He managed to fall asleep once more, and when he jolted awake next, his clock read 16:24. Two more hours he had slept, and it was well into the afternoon now. He pulled himself together enough to finally lift himself from his bed, and he sat down in his chair and turned his computer on. He shuddered as the cold wind once more lifted the blinds, as he was only clad in his boxer briefs. He closed the window and put on a sweater and pants, and held his knees against his chest in the chair as he looked at his messenger.

His best friend from high school was online, and he contemplated messaging him. It'd be a few weeks since they last talked, and he felt a little guilty for neglecting the one friend that had really helped him more than any recently.

"Hey" he wrote out in the window to his friend.

"Hey! Desty! Wasssssup?"

The wolf shook his head and actually managed to show a small smile at that. His name was Destova, but he preferred to be called Dest. His friend, however, loved to torment him with a play on his name, and so he was "Desty" to a vast majority of the people that knew both him and Jacob, his friend.

"Can I meet you somewhere...? I need someone to talk to..."

_ "Anytime, Desty-westy! Where at?"_

"Let's get food... How about Yosemite's?"

"Sure! See you in 20!"

Dest shook his head and turned off the monitor. He shuddered, despite his warm clothes, as another wisp of cool air blew through the room. He cursed at the shoddy window, knowing it was leaking air despite being closed, but scooped up some hopefully clean clothes and headed for the shower.

He didn't wash himself, as he didn't have time, but he held himself under the steaming hot water for a few minutes as he tried to burn away some of his sadness. It worked, a little, and he quickly toweled off and dressed himself, then headed out to the restaurant.

II

He pulled into the parking lot of the small restaurant, and smiled as he looked at the sign, as he did every time he looked at it. It was a rabbit hitting a cat over the head with a mallet, with "Yosemite's Patio Grill" above it, and it was all in a very cartoonish style. He had absolutely no idea how that could relate to a normal restaurant, but it was cute and the food was good. He spotted Jacob's car and made his way through the creaky wooden door, and he clutched his stomach as it instantly rumbled when his nose caught wind of the delicious smells. He realized then he hadn't actually eaten in about three days, and the smell almost made him nauseous. He shook away the sickness and winded his way through the tables and people, until he found the booth he and Jacob normally sat at.

His friend hadn't spotted him yet, and he took a moment to think over the situation. Jacob was a small Scottish Terrier, and was too hyperactive for his own good sometimes. Dest had always been around to control him for the most part, and that was why they had become so close so quickly. They complimented each other quite well, despite their large amount of differences. The wolf smiled as he saw the shaggy haired dog burying his face in the menu, and he sat down opposite of him and opened his own menu.

"Hey!" Jacob said as he laid his menu down enough so he could see over it. "Desty! Hi!"

"Calm down, mutt. You only have to say hi once." Dest smiled softly with his words, and looked back down at his menu to try and decide what he wanted.

"Well that's the norm, anyway, but I'm not normal!" The terrier bounced on his chair as he looked over his menu as well, and Dest sighed.

"Seriously, calm down please. I... can't handle it right now."

"Hey, Desty... what's wrong man?" Jacob cocked his head and one of his ears drooped a little as the question took over his entire face.

Dest looked up once more from his menu and shook his head. "Depression... suicidal thoughts. You name it, I probably have it right now."

"Whoa whoa whoa, now let's not be doing the whole suicide thing. Seriously. Damned be all if I lose you." Jacob reached over a hand and, to Dest's surprise, put it on his own. "Seriously."

Destova shrugged and pulled his hand away, instead once more burying his nose in the menu as he spoke. "I'm not going to do anything, Jac. I promise. Doesn't mean I haven't had those thoughts though."

"What's been going on? What spurred this on?"

"No job, no money, no hope. Hell, the only reason I'm here now is because I just got my next unemployment check. It's the only source of income I have."

Jacob was just about to say something, when a pretty tabby cat in a short skirt and holding a pen and notepad walked up to their table. "What can I get you boys today?" she asked with a very southern accent.

Dest looked over at Jacob just in time to see the terrier's jaw click back in place after presumably being dropped to the floor. Jacob was as straight as anyone could be, and the waitress was definitely a new sight in their favorite eatery of choice, and she was definitely good looking. The wolf wanted nothing to do with women, but even he could admire beauty when it was in front of him. His friend, however, could only stutter.

"I-I'll have the... uh... uhm..." Jacob's words wandered off as he forced himself to look away.

"He wants the chicken fried steak, as do I. Plenty of gravy and mashed potatoes for both of us please."

The waitress wrote down the order and smiled as her tail flicked back and forth behind her, and she looked over at Jacob and winked. "No problem, it'll be out soon darlin'."

Jacob stared once more as she turned on her heel in that feline way, and walked away. Dest held out a hand and covered the terrier's eyes, and chuckled as his other hand picked up his drink. "That's rude, Jac."

"Bu-bu... but... she... _winked_at me! She likes me!"

Dest snickered and uncovered the dog's eyes when the tabby was finally out of view, and he sipped on the drink in his hand. "Or, and this is a big one, she's leading you on. What easier way to get a tip than to make yourself look so pretty that the guys you serve are too busy looking at you and not paying attention to that five dollar bill you laid down in place of the one." He took one more sip then set his drink back down on the table.

"Y... you are so mean, Dest! Should call you 'Desolate' instead of Desty."

"I speak truth, and you know it. Though I'll probably give her a bigger tip just for working you over. It's hilarious."

"Oh my god leave me alone you animal!" Jacob shook his head and took a sip of his own drink. "Back on subject though... You have to keep your head up, Dest. You can't let this consume you. I've been there, after my ex cheated on me, you know that. You were there for me when it happened, and you told me the same damned thing."

"I know," Dest sighed, and he played with the straw in his cup. "It's hard though. I had it all in Dallas, though. Home, job, potential boyfriend. Then just like that, it's gone; all of it."

"You have to look forward, not languish in the past. I know I sound like some tv ad or something, but it's the truth. You're back home now, be fucking thankful you have a roof over your head. Not everyone in your situation even has that, you know."

"Hey, whoa... language, Jac, and there's no need to chew my tail. I know I'm lucky in that regard, and believe you me I'm thankful I have a supportive family. It's just... you can only go so long with a string of failures before it eats at you."

"Head. Up. Desty. I can't say it enough, apparently. Look around you and be happy, even if for a moment. You're with me, you're in your favorite restaurant, and you're about to eat your favorite meal. Be happy, and then when you leave here, hang on to that for a while. Stop hanging on to something that will, quite literally, kill you in the end. Like they say, it's easier to smile than to frown. Not quite sure if that's true with your giant ass muzzle, but eh."

"Dangit Jac, public place. Seriously after 7 years of knowing me I'd think you'd get that message by now and stop cussing in public places." Dest sighed once more and sipped his drink again. "But yeah... you're right, as usual. I'll... try and be happier for now. Thanks, Jac."

"No problem, Desty!" Jac said as he smiled wide. Dest mumbled something under his breath, and they waited patiently for their meal to arrive. It came shortly after, and once they had finished, they both departed. Dest found himself at home once more, staring at the computer monitor and searching for jobs. He put in a few applications, before he got to work on the house.

He lived with his grandparents, who had retired a few years before and were pretty much limited to staying at home and watching television all day. His mother, their daughter, had taken care of them previously, but when he moved back he took over that roll. So he cleaned house, did chores and such, and catered to their every need. They weren't particularly helpless yet, though his grandfather was developing early symptoms of Alzheimer's.

After he finished his chores, he cooped himself up in his room once more, and watched videos and played an occasional game on the computer. This was his routine as he waited for a job, and he was getting rather lazy as the days dragged on this way. He already knew his clothes weren't fitting as well since he didn't do much else but sit around all day, and that made him even more unhappy as he watched himself slowly gain weight he had lost over the past 10 years or so. He was only 24 years old, but was quite a stocky pup when he was younger, and had been driven to fix himself due to the bullying and constant nit picking from his doctor and parents.

However, with his lack of motivation and growing depression, he had lost his drive to keep himself in shape, and so had found himself changing shape as he sat around. He knew if he could just find a job again it would help him fix it, but until that time, he simply sat there, or laid there. It was a destructive habit, and he knew it, but he simply had no reason to change it now.

He went to bed later that night and for once didn't cry himself to sleep. His dreams were calmer this time, and he slept through the night a lot more soundly than he had the previous few days...