Ander - Part 5: Subchapter 15
15
"Hoooo boy," Kiana panted, wondering why Ander had decided to have his home built all the way up here, of all places. Sure, it was nice and private, but the long walks up and down were killing her, and the overstuffed basket banging against her knees wasn't making things any easier. Well, he did have really long legs, she supposed, so it probably didn't feel like much of a trudge to him. But still, once he was fully healed, she'd insist he carry her down as compensation for her unwavering support and occasional home cooked treats. He could give her a piggy-back ride like the time they first met.
This thought caused an eruption of butterflies in the pit of her stomach, making her feel giddy and slightly queasy all at the same time. She stifled a bout of girlish giggles against the palm of her hand, thinking how wonderful it was to be alive.
"Running a little late?"
She looked up, and there he was, sitting on the bench outside his home/emporium of assorted marvels and curiosities, patiently waiting for her with that big, toothy grin of his, just like always.
"There were a few distractions along the way," she admitted, "but I could always come back tomorrow if this is an inconvenient time for you?"
"No no no!" he stammered so fast Kiana couldn't keep from laughing. Teasing him was such a guilty little pleasure.
She dropped the basket, put her hands on the side of his face and gave him a good, long kiss on the mouth, the warmth of his lips a stark contrast against the nippy air, their breath mixing together in a misty plume. "I don't think I'll ever get used to that," he said, staring back at her.
"You better not," she replied, nuzzling him with her nose, "because you're going to be getting a lot of them."
His hand gently glided down her side and flowed over the curvature of her hip - and stopped against the hard bulge in her pocket. "What's this?" he asked, slightly perplexed.
"Oh... um..." Kiana was so looking forward to finally seeing him today she had almost completely forgotten about Sarah's little 'gift'. She backed away and shoved it deeper down, trying to be nonchalant about it despite the warmth spreading in her cheeks. "It's nothing really, just something Sarah asked me to pass along to Mother."
"You saw Sarah?"
"Just for a little while. We chatted, had a bite to eat, and she asked me to deliver this." Kiana nudged the basket with her foot. "Just some meats and spices, you know. Phew, I'm a bit out of breath, actually." Kiana really didn't want to drag out Mateo's personal problems, especially since Ander had it in his head that he was somehow responsible for the idiot's downhill slide. It was such a remarkable quality, the way he always strove to touch the lives of those around him, constantly trying to make everyone feel happy, even if they were the biggest poopy-heads in the world. It was this indiscriminate devotion that made her fall in love with him, but sometimes she worried he was spreading himself too thin, because no matter how wonderful and caring you are, you simply cannot please everyone always, and that was something that weighed heavier on his heart than it did for others. In her humble opinion, it was high time he started focussing on his own happiness for a change. He just needed someone to be there for him, to let him feel happy simply by being happy. He deserved no less.
"Kiana? Hello? You still there?" Ander waved his hand a few times, bringing her back down to earth.
"Oh yes, I'm still here. Just thinking a little. Sarah says hello, by the way."
"That's nice."
"Scootch over."
Ander made room and Kiana deftly slid into the available space and snuggled up under his arm, relishing his warmth and the way they fit together so perfectly, almost like puzzle pieces. He squeezed her and she squeezed back, hugging him tightly. When they were together like this, everything else just melted away.
Well... almost everything.
Her fingers briefly brushed over the thin bald patch in his ribs left over from her amateur cauterizing job, bringing back all those terrifying memories in a single instant, making her eyes tear up.
"Hey, you okay down there?" Ander asked. It was scary sometimes, the way he could instantly tell how she was feeling.
Kiana squeezed him even tighter, as if to confirm for herself that he really was real, that he was really sitting beside her, holding her with such tenderness, keeping her warm and safe.
"I'm just glad you're here, is all," she said, burying her face in his fur, trying not to cry. She knew Ander didn't like to see her cry, and she was getting rather sick of it herself. But trying to stop yourself from crying out of happiness was very different from trying to stop yourself from crying out of sadness. The latter you might pull off if you tried hard enough, and if the person you wanted to spare the sight of your tears meant enough to you. But the former... "I'm just... I'm so glad you're here..."
She sniffled, and Ander gently rubbed his hand up and down her shoulder.
"Me too," he said. "Me too."
They stayed that way for a while, listening to the wind blowing through the oak, scattering the last of its leaves about their heads in cascades of red and yellow.
"What's that in your hand?" Kiana asked, noticing for the first time a little brown something sticking out from between his fingers.
"It's..." His ears fell, and then his eyes - which were so serene a second ago - suddenly became sad and far away. "It's Hezzi's."
"Can I see?"
After a moment's hesitation, Ander relented. While he transferred the little carving to his other hand, Kiana wound her tail across the small of his back and around his side. Even sitting right up against him like this, she couldn't close the loop, but that was okay. She was happy just to touch him with everything she had.
"It's not done yet," he said, holding it out to her.
She took it and held it up to her eyes. After being clenched in his fist for such a long time, it was warm to the touch.
But it had no face.
A chill ran down Kiana's spine. Ander must have felt it, because he suddenly imitated her by winding his tail around her. It was actually rather funny. Even though he was so much bigger than her, their tails were roughly the same size. His wasn't nearly as floofy as hers though, but with her slim figure he was able to wrap it all the way around like a belt.
"I know it's kind of... creepy like that. Without a face. But, I just... I don't know how to finish it."
Kiana turned it over in her hands, admiring the fine attention to detail he put into all of his works, and she thought about the little grey Wolf it represented. She remembered how he had stared at her in the cage, how he had shook almost as badly as she did, the way his gaze had travelled from her bleeding ankle up to her eyes. He could have chosen to let her burn. He could have sided with all the other Wolves, but he didn't. He chose to be different. Just like his big brother.
"You miss him very much, don't you?"
Ander didn't answer, but he reached over and took it from her hands. He looked down at the little carving with a frown on his face, like he was trying to decipher a great mystery. "I promised him I'd make him a new one. It was one of the last things I said to him, and yet I can't... I don't... I don't know what's going on over there! I have no idea what he might be going through! He could be dead for all I know!"
"Sshh... sshh..." Kiana whispered, resting her cheek against his chest. "It's okay. You did the best you could."
"But..."
She could hear his heart beating away, thumping against her ear. Would he ever be able to completely escape his old life, or would it cling to his Living Soul forever and ever, like the scars that still cover his body?
No. Not if she had any say in the matter. He had sacrificed so much for this new life, and now it was her responsibility to see to it that his sacrifice was worth it.
"You should give him a smile," she said without hesitation. "A great big one."
"I'd like to, but how can I know for sure if the smile I carve here is true?"
Kiana raised her head and looked him in the eye. "I'm sorry, Ander, I can't answer that question for you, but you know your little brother better than anyone. How do you think he felt when you walked out of that dreadful place still alive and breathing?"
"Well, obviously he was happy I didn't die, but -"
"And how do you think he felt when he realized you were finally going to a place where you could belong? Where you would be loved?"
"Well, happy again, but you don't under-"
"Then why can't you give him a smile? If all the things you've told me about him are true, if he really is the wonderful little brother that saved your life, then I'm sure he feels nothing but happiness for you."
"But I left him all alone back there! Again!"
"He _chose_to stay behind, Ander. It's his home. It's where he belongs."
"That's the thing, though. When it comes to Hezzi, he's all over the place, always trying to do everything at once, and I don't just mean physically, I mean up here." Ander tapped a finger against the side of his head. "He's always torn, always feeling two, three, four different things at once, each trying to pull him a different way. Even if he's happy I made it out, I know he's sad I'm not around anymore. Even if he loves the tribe, I know he sometimes hates it just as much as I did." He looked down at his carving with a look bordering on disgust. "Maybe I should just cleave a line right down the middle. Carve a happy face on one side and a sad one on the other, at least that way I'll know I'm half right."
"Don't say that, Ander."
"Then what should I do? I can't go back. I can never go back."
"Then... do you want to back? Is that what you're saying?"
"No! Of course not! I love you, Kiana! I never want to be away from you again. It's just... I worry about him, all alone over there. I miss him."
"Give him a smile, Ander," she said again, with even more conviction than before. "I know it's the right answer."
"How can you be so sure?"
"In some ways, Hezzi sounds a lot like you. He sacrificed a lot to get you out of there because he loves you. Don't make all those sacrifices meaningless by being such a worry-wart. That's not what he'd want. He wants you to be happy, so be happy! That's what makes it okay to put a smile on his carving."
"Because if I'm happy, that means he's happy?"
"It's what he almost died for, isn't it?"
Ander stared at the carving so intently Kiana could almost hear him battling this last inner demon; the guilt of leaving Hezzi behind, the guilt of trying to live a happy life when his brother's fate was unknown.
She wasn't able to help him last time, but this was a battle he didn't have to fight through alone. She was right by his side, and she would pull him through, no matter what.
"Ander?"
"Yeah?"
"I feel the same way, you know. I can't feel happy unless you do, and seeing you sad like this only makes me feel sad, too."
His eyes shifted, traveling from the carving to her upturned face. "I don't want that."
"Then give him a smile, Ander. It's okay." She hugged him tightly and kissed him on the shoulder. "It's okay to be happy."
Ander bent down and kissed the top of her head. "Okay, Kiana. I'll do it. I'll give him a smile."
She scootched back a little to give him some room, then watched, fascinated, as he hovered her father's knife over the blank little face. His brow was furrowed in concentration as he visualized the first cut, imagining every scratch in advance, every line and curve. He whispered something much too softly to hear, then stuck his tongue out from the corner of his mouth like he sometimes did when he's thinking really hard. He lowered the knife until the tip lightly touched the wood, and Kiana's heart leapt in her chest. This was it. He was about to slay his last demon...
A snowflake, pure and white, drifted down and landed right on top of the little carving, right where the eye should have gone.
Ander stopped, glanced at Kiana, and then they both looked up at the slate grey sky together.
At first she could see nothing but the clouds, but as her eyes adjusted, she started seeing the tiny movements of snowflakes tumbling through the air, a speck here and a speck there, almost completely invisible against the sky, coming closer and closer in lazy, wavy patterns. She went all cross-eyed as one landed on the tip of her nose and she giggled at the sudden, icy sensation, like a frozen kiss.
She saw Ander looking at her, his grin doubled because of her wonky focus, and then he burst out laughing. It was such a peaceful thing, hearing honest laughter from him again. She didn't get any sense that he was merely putting on a brave face for her benefit, or covering his worry with a thin layer of fake mirth. He was simply laughing, and that was a wonderful thing.
She moved closer, intending to hug him again, but then she saw something that made her blood run even colder than the air around them.
The snowflake that had landed on Hezzi's face had melted away, and now there was a single drop of water flowing from the shallow dent where his eye was meant to go, slowly running down the wooden cheek, leaving a dark line in its wake.
The carving in Ander's hand, the little wooden Hezzi...
... was crying.
"Kiana? Are you all right? You look a little -"
Kiana quickly closed the distance between them and gave him a fierce hug, wrapping her arms around his neck and squeezing him tight. "I'm just cold, that's all," she said, running her fingers through his hair, praying to the gods that he would not see what she had seen.
He returned her hug, rubbing his big hands up and down her back with a gentleness that still sent shivers up her spine. "Let's get inside," he said. "I'll get the fire going and warm you right up. How does that sound?"
"Like heaven."
Ander smiled and kissed the melting snowflake from her nose. "I agree. I can finish this carving tomorrow."
Kiana kissed him as the snowflakes started to swirl about their heads and spin around their feet in whirlwinds, leaving little white dots on their fur, she kissed him as the snow started to pile up against the oak tree in shallow drifts, she kissed him feeling nothing but love for this Wolf who had fought so hard and given up so much just to be here with her, right now, in this magical moment.
She kissed him, hoping with all her heart that the omen she had seen was false, and that the real Hezzi, wherever he was, was safe and happy.
She hoped...
She hoped he wasn't crying...
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