Ander - Part 5: Subchapter 36
36
Things were different now. Dorin didn't think it would happen so quickly, but he noticed the signs wherever he went. No one raised their hands in greeting or shouted his name from across the village centre. No one waved him over to come look at the catch of the day. No one smiled or clapped him on the shoulder or asked him how all the training was going. Even his fellow warriors gave him a wide berth. Hell, nobody would even look him directly in the eye anymore. They just kept their heads down and minded their work, glancing at him from the corners of their eyes when they thought he wasn't looking.
It was the same kind of glance they used to give only to Banno and Garten, the two strongest Wolves to ever roam these paths. It was a symbol of their fear.
And why shouldn't they be afraid of him? He had killed a she-wolf right before their very eyes. That made him a killer. That made him a Wolf to be feared and respected.
And yet...
Dorin leaned against the wall and rubbed his aching wrist. The cold was making it itch and burn, but at least it was a pain he could understand. The pain in his head, however... it just didn't make any sense.
A group of Wolves was coming down the path, chatting and laughing, but the moment they saw him all their mirth evaporated into thin air like the mist of their breath. They walked by with their heads bowed and their faces turned away, not uttering a single word. One of them gave him that quick, fearful glance and immediately looked away again, as if he had inadvertently looked directly into the sun.
Back in the days of spring, back when everything still made sense, he would have done anything to be looked at that way, that way that said: I fear you, please don't hurt me. It was the look the weak gave the strong, and more than anything else, he wanted to be strong. He wanted to be like Banno and Garten...
But they were dead, and now Wolves were looking at him the same way they used to look at them. But what did that mean for him now? Did it mean he was strong? Or did it mean he was simply walking the same path as them, and that, eventually, he would reach the same end?
The Wolves turned the corner and immediately started chatting again, debating about what kind of Chieftain Wardo would make.
I can't stay back here. I have a job to do.
Yes, go be a good little spy. Do exactly what Wardo wants you to do. What was it Hezzi called you? A puppet? Yes, that was it.
Dorin gritted his teeth and flexed his fingers, sending sharp bolts of pain through his wrist. It was enough to quiet his thoughts, but it couldn't quell the warring feelings inside of him, because what he knew he was supposed to be feeling and what he really was feeling didn't coincide with each other. It made him nauseous just thinking about it.
He was supposed to feel good. He was the head warrior now. He was the right hand Wolf of the Chieftain. He had killed an assassin, he had stabbed her right through the heart. He had done everything he had ever dreamed of doing.
So then why did he feel so miserable on the inside?
He started walking again, pushing his way through the snow. He barely noticed the Wolves stepping out of his way or the whispers that followed behind his back.
And then he reached Aisa's tent.
"Mother, I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Please don't!"
"Are you trying to get yourself killed, Renna!? First the trial, and now a battle for chieftaincy! You're throwing your life away! All for that degenerate whelp!"
He heard Aisa strike her daughter. It was not the slap of an open palm, but the hard, dull sound of a fist.
And then there was the smell of blood. Compared to all the blood he had smelled today it seemed a paltry amount, probably no more than a bloody nose or a cut lip, but this was different, somehow. Hezzi, Lana, Danado, Sorrin, Wardo, he had smelled all their blood today, but Renna... this was a girl completely incapable of defending herself. What joy was there to be found in the scent of blood that could flow so easily, without any kind of fight or struggle?
What joy is there to be found in the scent of blood at all?
Dorin smashed his knuckles against his forehead, trying to get rid of all these unwanted thoughts. He didn't know how long he stood out there, listening to them scream at each other, but when he came back to his senses, a small drift of snow had piled up around his ankles.
"I'm sorry, Mother..." she cried. Dorin could barely make out her words through all the sniffles. "Please don't hurt me anymore..."
"I hurt you because I love you, Renna. It pains me every time you force me to do this. Please, please just stop. I beg of you, just stop __being like this!"
"I'm sorry..."
Time to move on.
Dorin walked the paths, passing by Wolves who must have heard every word that went on in that tent, but chose to do nothing.
And why do you suddenly care? You didn't do anything either! Aisa was disciplining her rebellious little bitch of a daughter, big deal. Mothers and fathers beat on their children every day. It makes them strong. Just like your father did to y -
"Stop it, stop it, stop it..." Dorin whispered beneath his breath, grinding his knuckles against his temples. He wasn't one to get headaches very often, but he could feel one coming on now.
He looked down at the snow, at the way his feet sunk deep inside with every step, making that soft crunching noise. His toes were starting to go numb, and he wondered what it must feel like for Danado, walking through all this with his claws ripped out.
You did that. You were proud of it, remember? You did it one by one, you stuck your knife in there and you gouged them right out, and you did it with a smile. What happened, Dorin? What in the Cora's name happened!? Where did that Wolf go!!?
"I don't know!" he hissed at the snow, feeling like he was on the verge of splitting apart at the seams.
He had made it to Mellah and Sorrin's tent without even realizing it. The whole thing was a patchwork mess, the holes and tears mended with throw-away raccoon and squirrel pelts probably begged off from neighbours.
"I can't just sit around, Sorrin! Who knows what that bitch might be doing to that poor girl right now!?"
"Keep your voice down, Mellah. We stand out enough already without barging into other people's tents, telling them how to raise their children."
"I don't want to hear that from you after what you did today, barging in to pull Danado back."
"That was different. He was about to get himself killed."
"And what about Renna?"
"Aisa won't kill her only daughter, Mellah. No matter how bad things get."
"But she is, Sorrin! Maybe not physically, but that bitch is killing a piece of her soul every day, I can feel it!"
"What do you want me to do about it, huh? Kidnap the girl? Is that it?"
"No, it's just... I don't know what to do!"
Sorrin sighed, and Dorin could almost imagine the big Wolf putting his arm around his mate's shoulders. "It's okay. We'll think of something."
Feeling like every definition of the word 'spy' Dorin hurried on, thankful that his job was almost over now. Hezzi and Danado were still in the cage, obviously, and Shekka had shut herself in her tent, evidently to sleep the day away, so that only left Nilia, and there was only one place she'd be this time of day.
Dorin sighed and went straight for the training grounds, his head bowed against the wind. It took him some time to get there with all the snow constantly blowing in his face, but he knew that this was his last task of the day. After this was done, he'd be able to go home, build a little fire, maybe roast that piece of venison he'd been saving. Maybe get a chance to think about the things he's done and the things he's been asked to do.
And the things he might choose to do...
"Oh please, please..." Dorin whispered, rubbing his forehead.
The training grounds were little more than a bulge in the Western side of the village. It had a ring for sparring, a table for arm wrestling, piles of weapons stacked up against the walls, a line of targets to practice archery and spear throwing, and finally, off in the corner, a punching dummy filled with sand.
Nilia was punching it right in the face, again and again, grunting with each strike, slowly pounding a dent into its sandy flesh. At this rate it would only be a matter of minutes before it tore open. "Have you come to spy on me, Dorin?" she asked without even turning around.
"Actually, yes. The Chieftain asked me to keep an eye on you."
Nilia gave the dummy one final punch in the gut, then turned around, a bemused look on her face. "I'm surprised you'd admit that so easily."
Dorin shrugged. "There's no point in weaving lies of we both know what's going on."
"True." Nilia leaned back against the dummy and crossed her arms. "So what are you going to do now? Just stand there and watch me all day? Run back to Wardo with your tail wagging to report every little thing I do?"
"No. Maybe. Well, I'm supposed to. It's just... I wanted to ask you something first." Nilia narrowed her eyes, but remained silent, and Dorin took that as an invitation to continue. "Do you remember when Ander took you hostage a while back?"
Nilia snorted and a quick burst of mist issued from her nostrils. "As if I could forget. He held that dagger so close he actually shaved some of the fur off my neck. What about it?"
"Why didn't he kill you?"
Nilia raised an eyebrow. "Is that it? That's your question? You blow your cover and disobey your new master to ask me a stupid question like that?"
"I need to know, Nilia. You think of me as the scum of the village, I get that. If I came any closer, you'd punch me in the face even harder than you punched that dummy. I know you hate me, and I know there is absolutely no reason for you to give me a real answer, but I'll ask anyway, because I need to know. Do me this one favour, and I'll leave you alone."
"I never took you for the idiotic type, Dorin. Ander was surrounded on all sides by a horde of Wolves screaming for his blood, and I was his only shield. If he had killed me, he would have died. It's as simple as that."
"No. No, it's not, because what kind of Wolf would throw away his shield the moment he needed it most? If he really was using you as a shield, why did he shove you out of the way when Wardo came rushing in with that spear? Don't lie to me, Nilia. What really happened that night?"
"I don't expect a Wolf like you to understand."
"A Wolf like me? Tell me, Nilia, since you seem to know everything about me, what kind of Wolf am I?"
"Hezzi called you a puppet, and a puppet is exactly what you are. It is a doll held up by string. It can't move without a child pulling on its limbs. Without a master, it's just a useless shell. He was so right to call you that."
Dorin balled his hands into fists, despite the pain shooting through his wrist. "I am not a puppet."
"Maybe. Maybe not. But you were called something else today, weren't you? A parting curse from the Wolf you murdered."
Animal...
Something must have shown on his face, because a small smile crept up the corner of her mouth. "Ah, so you heard her."
"Yeah. I heard."
"Then you understand why I don't have to tell you a damn thing. Maybe I would have told a real Wolf, but you're just an animal, incapable of understanding anything other than fear, hatred, and hunger. You disgust me."
Nilia turned her back on him, swivelled on her heel, and kicked the dummy in the ribs, sending an arc of sparkling snow through the air.
"Do you really think it wise to turn your back on this 'animal', Nilia?" Dorin said, absolutely seething.
"On an animal, no. But you're not just an animal. You're also a puppet, and I have nothing to fear from a puppet who can only watch and wait."
She kicked the dummy again, hard enough to make it shiver all the way down to where it was embedded in the ground.
"I'm not going to leave this place until you tell me what I want to know!"
"Do you want to know, or does your master want to know?"
"I do! Me! Just me! I want to know why he came back, I want to know why he went through hell, and I want to know why he saved you instead of throwing you directly into that spear! He could have saved himself by killing you, but he did the opposite. He almost killed himself to save you. I know that's what happened. I've seen it again and again in my head, but none of it makes sense. At least... it didn't used to..."
Dorin looked down at the snow covering his feet, wondering if he should just leave her alone. His job was done. Renna was with her mother, getting the life beaten out of her. Sorrin and Mellah were in their tent, grieving for a child that wasn't theirs. And Nilia was training in the snow, taking out her frustrations on a 'puppet' filled with sand. There was nothing else to report.
That was when he noticed that the sounds of Nilia striking the dummy had vanished. He raised his head, and she was looking at him with that oddly blank look she so often wore, like a clear sky devoid of clouds. She was slightly out of breath, and the bearclaw she always wore around her neck was rising and falling ever so slightly. "I take it Lana's death didn't feel as good as you thought it would?" she asked, looking at him with eyes that seemed to understand everything.
Dorin shook his head. "No, it didn't. Nothing feels the way I expected anymore. It just... makes me feel confused. And... I don't know how to describe it."
"Guilty? Shameful?"
"No!" Dorin swiped his hand through the air as if to push her accusation away. "I have nothing to feel guilty or ashamed about! I was well within my rights to do as I did! I should feel proud!"
"Oh, Dorin. You really are a sad, confused little animal, aren't you? But at least maybe you're able to think for yourself after all."
"What are you talking about? Since when do you get off acting so smug, anyway!? I am your superior, Nilia! You can hate me all you want, but I will not be disrespected like this!"
"Don't you see Dorin? Can't you hear yourself? You just said 'should'. You said you 'should' feel proud."
"I...? But I should... I should!"
"If you say 'should', that means you don't."
Dorin staggered against the wall and slid down into the snow, clutching his head. Maybe it was just from the battle today, but he's never felt more exhausted in his entire life. "Just tell me the answer, Nilia," he practically begged. "Explain to me the things that make such perfect sense to you, but only leaves me feeling... like this."
An ear-splitting crack filled the air and suddenly the dummy's severed head landed right in front of him, rolling a shallow trench through the snow. The jagged support beam stuck out at the bottom like a broken neck, and sand was pouring out like blood, leaving it looking deflated.
"If you think I'm going to come sit next to you and give you a pat on the back and tell you everything's going to be all right, then you, Dorin, are an even bigger fool than I thought. But... I will try to answer your question."
Dorin lowered his hands, leaned his head back against the wall, and waited. After a while, she began.
"There are more important things in this world than feeding hunger, Dorin. And when I say 'hunger', I don't just mean that empty feeling in your gut when it's time to eat. I mean everything. Hatred, anger, lust, revenge, it's all a form of hunger. I've noticed some Wolves can't stand to be hungry. They will do whatever it takes, pay whatever cost, just to satisfy it. These are the Wolves I think Lana was talking about when she said 'animals'. To them, there is nothing more important than the hunger. They live for it."
Animals...
Dorin lightly touched his stomach and he thought about his own hunger, and how difficult it can be to tell what you're actually hungering for. He thought he had wanted blood, he thought he had wanted death, but when he finally got it, it only made him feel even more empty inside.
"And then you've got Wolves like Ander. Just like his name says, he is truly different from us. He still feels the hunger, of that I'm sure, but he can choose to ignore it because he understands that there are more important things in life, and once you find them, that's what keeps the hunger at bay, because you're not just shoving rotting pieces of meat down your throat to temporarily sate your hunger anymore, you're filling the emptiness inside your soul with the people you love and care for. That's why he came back, Dorin. That's why he went through hell, and that's why he nearly killed himself to save me. And it's not just him anymore. All the other Wolves you've no doubt been spying on today, Hezzi, Renna, Danado, they're all fighting to protect who they love and care for, not what they hunger for. Do you understand now?"
Dorin looked at the empty head lying at his feet, at the way the heavy sand lay atop the snow, pushing it down. "I'm... not sure. You speak of the difference between hunger and love, and I think I can understand some of that. Renna and Hezzi love each other, and their mothers love them, even though it doesn't look like it. Mella and Sorrin love each other. Lana and Danado love - did love each other. But if you're one of them, one of these 'other' Wolves like Ander, a Wolf who's not just trying to feed the hunger, then... who do you love?"
Nilia grabbed the dummy by the chest and slowly raked her claws straight down, splitting it open all the way to the bottom. Sand spilled out in four streams like a tiny waterfall, making a sound like a whisper.
"No one."
The dummy deflated, becoming skinnier and skinnier, until it was just an emaciated rag on a stick, flapping in the wind.
"But then your own explanation doesn't apply to yourself. If you don't have someone to 'love and care for', then aren't you just another animal trying to feed the hunger?"
"You said you'd leave me alone if I answered your question."
"But -"
"Leave. Now."
The wind blew, and the snow swirled, but it was as if Nilia couldn't feel any of it. She stood still as a statue, one hand resting on the eviscerated dummy, her head bowed, her hair whipping behind her.
"All right." Dorin got back to his feet, being careful not to move his injured arm. "But before I go, there is one last thing I need to say to you."
"What?"
"Catch." Dorin pulled a small leather pouch from his pocket and tossed it through the air.
Nilia caught it easily, looking rather annoyed, but the moment her fingers closed around the pouch, her expression changed. She tugged on the drawstring, stuck her hand inside, and pulled out a small, copper key. "Is this what I think it is?"
"Listen to me very carefully, Nilia. That is the key to the cage where Hezzi and Danado are being kept. Wardo doesn't know I took it, and if he ever finds out, my head will be the next to roll, so don't let anyone see you with that."
"Why are you giving me this?"
"Tonight, at midnight, the guards will leave their posts and Hyker and Ivio will assassinate Hezzi and Danado under Wardo's orders. They are to make it look like they fought and killed each other during the night, while everyone was asleep. You'll only have a very brief window of time after the guards clear out before Hyker and Ivio show up, but if you want to save your friends, that would be the time to do it."
"Why should I trust you, after everything you've done?"
"I'm not asking you to trust me. I'm simply giving you a choice. What you do with it is up to you."
He left her standing in the snow, looking down at that tiny key. But of course, it wasn't just a key to her.
She was holding the lives of her friends in the palm of her hand.
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