Ander - Part 5: Subchapter 72
72
There was no pain, no cold, no sadness. There was only peace and the smell of something sweet, carried by a warm, summer breeze.
James opened his eyes.
The sky was blue, but not just any blue. It was the most beautiful shade of blue he had ever known, the same as her eyes. There were leaves all around him, bordering the heavens, their edges jagged like saw teeth. A butterfly flew past his nose, her wings a vibrant flicker of orange and black.
James sat up, and what he saw took his breath away.
Roses. Millions upon millions of yellow roses as far as the eye could see. They swayed with the breeze and the sun shone off every single drop of dew, creating ripples of sparkling silver across a golden ocean.
"James?"
That voice was more beautiful than all the roses in every sweet dream, more musical than any earthly flute or lyre.
"Emily?" She was standing among the roses, every bit as beautiful as the day he first laid eyes upon her. "Emily!" he scrambled to his feet, thinking of how, after so many years, he'd finally be able to hold her in his arms once again. "Emily!"
Her smile faded and she turned her head away. A single tear ran down her cheek, staining her fur the colour of ash. She closed her eyes and whispered: "Please, James. Don't come any closer."
"Emily?" Dark clouds bloomed from out of nowhere, unfurling like black roses in the sky. The silver ripples of dew disappeared and the wind grew strong and cold, billowing her dress about her legs and whipping her hair across her face. "Emily, what's wrong?" He reached out to her, wanting nothing more than to embrace her.
"No, James," She took a step back. "If you come any closer, if I touch you... If I hug you and kiss you and feel your arms around me..." Another tear leaked from her perfect eyes and dropped onto the roses below. "I don't think I'll be able to let you go..."
"And what is wrong with that?" James asked, feeling the first stabs of fear in this place where fear had no right to even exist. "Emily, I missed you."
"I know."
"I never stopped dreaming of you."
"I know."
"I never stopped loving you."
"I know."
"I need you, Emily. Please... I need you... Can't we just...?" He went to her, his hand outstretched, reaching for her face. If he could just touch her, feel her warmth again, hold her, kiss her, whisper in her ear how much he loved her, everything would be right again, everything would be as it should be, because they would finally be together again.
"No!" A crack split the very earth asunder, cutting them off from each other. Swarms of butterflies flew into the sky in a panic as the crack grew wider and wider, opening up like a pitch black mouth, making a sound like a thousand blasts of thunder beneath their feet. Chunks of rose-covered rock broke off the edges and tumbled down, shattering against the walls. Shredded petals fluttered into the darkness and disappeared, swallowed forever.
"Why, Emily!?" James screamed over the chasm now separating them. "Why are you doing this!?"
He had never seen her look so sad, her face so wracked with misery and pain. The tears flowed down her face, and the sight of each one burned his heart like fire. "I'm sorry, James," she said. "I am so sorry."
"Don't you feel the same way? Don't you love me anymore?"
Her eyes went wide with shock. "Of course I love you! I love you more than anything! I've missed you so much, James. Even in this place where time doesn't mean anything and where pain isn't supposed to exist, every second we were apart was agony for me. Seeing you now, even from afar, is the happiest I've been in a long, long time. I love you. I need you. Oh, James, I need you so much."
"Then why can't we be together? I don't understand!"
"Because, James..." She wiped the tears from her eyes and, even as the growing clouds engulfed the sun and threw everything into shadow, she smiled. "The kids need you more than I do."
Her words struck him like a spear to the heart, causing him actual, physical pain, nearly doubling him over with the sheer force of it.
The kids... how could he have forgotten about the kids? Was he really that selfish? Where were they now?
He looked around, hoping to find them somewhere among the roses, but there was something terribly wrong here. The roses were dying before his very eyes, turning brown. Their petals shrivelled up and fell to the ground like snowflakes, and no wonder, because there was no ground, no soil for them to grow in, only floorboards.
They were cracked, each and every single one.
The pain in his chest came again, much stronger than before, and he clapped a hand over his heart in agony. When he pulled it back, his palm was covered in blood, and his fingers were crooked and broken. "Emily..." Her side was still bathed in sunshine, while his was being covered in a darkening shadow. Where she had golden rose petals blowing about her feet, he had drifts of swirling snow. It was like they were being pulled away from each other in more ways than just distance. He could feel their time together running out, but he still had so much more to say. "Emily... I don't know if I can go back. I don't know if I can face that life again. The world isn't the same without you."
"James..." Her face was ripping his heart in two - the beauty of her smile, and the crushing sadness of her tears. "Do you remember the promise you made to me?"
"My promise?"
"I was in a lot of pain. I was so scared, more scared than I've ever been. But you were there to hold me, to comfort me. You took all my fears away by making a special promise, and it was because of that promise I was able to rest without worry."
"I remember..." It was getting difficult to talk. His words tasted of blood. "I think about that promise every day. It was the very last thing you ever asked of me."
"And what did I ask of you?"
"You asked me..." He was getting tired. Just standing up was using all his strength. "You asked me to take good care of the children. I've tried, Emily. I've tried so hard. But you were always so much better at it than me. Every day I live I wonder how I'll get through the next without you, and then the day passes and I go through the same thing again. I get through them all by thinking of you, remembering how strong you were, how you'd keep on going no matter what, and that gives me strength. But even that causes a different kind of pain, because every time I fight through a day without you, every time I watch the sun rise and set, that is another day the kids grow older without you. It hurts so much, Emmy. It's on those days I falter. It's on those days I think I can't keep such a big promise all by myself. The kids miss you just as much as I do. I want to make them feel better, I want to make them happy, but I can't, because the only thing that can take that sadness away is you, and you're not with us anymore!" The pain in his body was nothing compared to the pain in his heart. It felt like someone had driven a fireplace poker right through his chest. Tears ran down his face and fell into the gaping chasm below, freezing into solid shards of ice. "How can I possibly make up for that? How can I keep my promise when I miss you so much? How can I take good care of the kids when not having you by my side is torture? It just... It hurts, Emmy. It hurts so much without you..."
"You're wrong, James. You're not alone. Every time you hug the kids, you give them a hug from me, too. Every time you kiss them, you give them a kiss from me, too. Every time you tell them you love them, you tell them for me, too. I can feel all of it, every ounce of love you share with them because I am right there with you, always. You say you don't have the strength to keep the promise you made to me, but I know that to be a lie. You've been keeping that promise long before you ever made it. Ever since the birth of our first son, you've dedicated your life to being the best damn father you could possibly be, and not once, not once have I ever felt that you weren't doing a wonderful job looking after our children. Even after everything that's happened, that has not changed. You are and always will be a wonderful father and husband, and that is how I know you will never, ever break your promise to me. You love your family far too much to let that happen."
He understood. His tears had blurred his darling Emily into sunbursts of gold and silver, but he understood now. "It's because I love my family so much that we can't be together," he said.
She shook her head. "Not yet."
"Because I still have a promise to keep."
"They need you, James. Now more than ever. Go to them. I believe in you."
James stepped up to the crack in the earth and looked down. Bits of sand and stone crumbled beneath his toes.
"Oh, and James?"
He looked up and saw her standing among the roses, her smile as radiant as the sun, so beautiful. "Yes, Emmy?"
"When you find them, be sure to give each of them an extra strong hug from me. Okay?"
James wiped his tears away. "I promise."
"I love you, James."
"I love you, too, Emmy."
He stepped out over the darkness, and then he was falling.
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