Ander - Part 6: Subchapter 20
20
"I'll get the fire going."
"Okay." Kiana sat down on the big bench in front of Ander's fireplace and looked down at her knees. The sounds of the party outside, of Foxes talking and falling over and laughing, soon faded into the background, until all that was left was the fast beating of her heart and the clunk of logs being tossed into the hearth.
It was a wonder that a single vixen could feel so many conflicting things all at once. This was one of the places that made her the happiest in the whole wide world, and yet, sitting here, watching Ander's back as he worked, made her feel like jumping up and running for her very life. There was so much fear it twisted around inside her stomach like a big ball of snakes, making her feel sick. But there was also hope. Unfortunately, that hope only made the nausea worse.
"Nearly there..." Ander muttered, breaking off some twigs to use as kindling.
It's almost time, Kiana thought. He's going to start the fire, and then he's going to get up, and then he's going to walk over here, and he's going to sit down, and maybe he's going to put his arm around me, and then he's going to ask it. He's going to ask what's wrong. What am I going to tell him?
You have to tell him the truth.
Yes, but how? How am I going to tell him?
I don't know!
Ander took that clever little tinderbox of his and used it to flick a shower of sparks across the wood. It caught on the third try, and soon the whole room was filled with a warm, stuttering glow. Great. Add two more conflicting feelings to the list: warm on the outside, cold on the inside.
Kiana clutched her stomach and prayed that she wouldn't end up decorating the walls with all the eggs she had eaten for breakfast. Anything but that.
"Kiana?" He got up. He came over. He sat down. He put his arm around her. It was all just as she had foreseen, each action another tick on the clock, counting down the seconds until she'd have to tell him the truth. "Are you all right? You look ill."
"I'm not ill. It's just that... I'm not entirely well either."
"Should I get Bethany?"
"No. You're the one I need to tell first. I probably should have told you a while ago, but I wasn't sure at first, and then when I got sure I was too scared to do anything. Everything was going so perfectly, and I didn't want any of it to change. I was stupid to ignore it for so long."
"Kiana? What are you talking about? What's wrong? Just tell me."
There. He asked. I have to tell him.
She leaned into the warmth of his body, knowing that this would be the final minutes of this chapter of their lives. No matter the outcome, once she told him, everything would be different, and there would be no going back.
Ander held her close, and having that big, gentle arm wrapped around her body made her feel so safe, like nothing could ever hurt her. So she closed her eyes and savoured every second, listening to the sound of his heartbeat, her head slowly rising and falling to the tempo of his breathing. He did not try to rush her, and for that she was grateful. For just a few seconds more, she would like to exist in this world where everything was absolutely perfect, just the way it was. Just for a few seconds...
He kissed the top of her head, his warm breath lightly caressing the tips of her ears, and she knew the time had come.
"Ander?"
"Yes, Kiana?"
"I love you... I love you very, very much. You know that, right?"
"Of course I know that. And I love you, too. And it's because I love you so much that I worry about you."
"I'm sorry. I've been distant, haven't I?"
"Maybe a little distracted," Ander admitted. "Is it because I pushed too hard for you to tell your family about us? Because I don't mind waiting. I don't want you to feel pressured into anything."
Kiana shook her head, rubbing her cheek against his chest. "No, that's not it. It's nothing you did. Well, technically it is, but not entirely. It's just as much my doing as yours. Probably more."
"Are you talking about the... the night before I left?"
He's putting the pieces together. If he didn't have any suspicions before, he certainly does now.
"I think you were right. I should have told them ages ago. Maybe it would have made things easier. I just didn't want anything to come between us. I wanted everything to stay exactly the same, because the time I've spent with you has been the happiest of my life. But this isn't something I can ignore any longer. I can't run away from it." The bitter sting of tears started to fill her eyes, making her face feel hot and muggy, but she couldn't stop now. She shut them tight and ploughed on, intent on getting it out before her tears could spill. "Things are going to change, whether I want them to or not, and I have no choice but to be strong and face it head on. I only hope that... that I won't have to face it alone. I hope that... you'll be there to face it with me. Ander..."
He took her by the shoulders and set her up straight, so that they were looking each other in the eye. His gaze was direct and unwavering. "Kiana. Whatever this problem is, it's very emotional for you, I get that, but no matter how bad you think it is, never doubt that I'll always be right here by your side. You never have to worry about being alone, ever. Understand?"
Kiana nodded, not trusting herself to speak through the burn in her throat.
"Okay. Now I'm going to ask you to stop this roundabout way you're going about this and just tell me what the problem is. Say it directly, like you always do."
Kiana swallowed the lump in her throat, took a deep breath, and steeled herself for what was about to come. "Ander..."
He looked at her with those big, brown eyes and gently squeezed her shoulders. "Yes, Kiana?"
"I..." She felt the tears drip from her eyes and run down her cheeks in two curved lines, so warm they seemed to burn. "I'm pregnant..."
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