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LAST TIME ON ZOMBIES ARE WANKERS: There is no last time here. This is just backstory and world-building. Enjoy.

Let's go over our protagonist first. Going by the name of Albus Kane, he is a rather skinny blue lion, male, bisexual, and with plenty other things about his personality for people to be judgmental of. He has Asperger's syndrome, is an atheist, supports sex-positive feminism but opposes neofeminism, does not conform to gender roles, is a men's rights activist, and is one of those rare people who mainly identify as agender because it's more understandable than "When I don't think about my gender identity, I give no shits, but whenever I do, I question it". He is rather intelligent and nimble, those traits allowing him to devise his own combat techniques to compensate for being slightly less strong then the average person his age, just over 18. He is remarkably proficient with mathematics, technology, strategy, combat, stealth and cooking, but also extremely deficient in the social skills department, being socially awkward and having a personality just not meant for being a socialite to any degree. He is skilled with bladed weapons, shotguns, sniper rifles and pistols, but kind of shite with crossbows, most non-improvised blunt weapons, assault rifles and anything you have to straight-up throw. He is, again, intelligent, and also creative, kind when not provoked, resourceful and non-judgmental, but also vindictive when provoked, belligerent, egotistical, impatient and, again, socially incompetent on account of social awkwardness and cluelessness, and being generally weird.

Now let's talk about some of his backstory. He was born on another planet, Alistaria. However, his parents moved to Earth when they realized that there was still a place for their child to grow up surrounded by a bunch of religious people. You can see how that might be an issue, but they assumed he would be a normal ultra-devout Christian. He was already openly bi, autistic and gender role-non-conforming by the age of 12. The zombie apocalypse happened when he was just over 16, as a new school year was starting. It was towards the end of what would otherwise be the school day when classes were abruptly cancelled, and people were told to go home and watch the news. Albus saw the news, realized that there was no god (his prayers not being answered helped, too), convinced his parents to let him skip town on his own, got a bunch of gear for the post-apocalypse (weapons included), finally fought back against his bullies since years ago and won, lost his virginity to a teacher he had been crushing on, packed everything into a trailer he bought with money his parents gave him, converted it into a comfy, cozy mobile home, and left town just as the zombies got there. From then on, the wasteland that used to be civilization became his new home, and being able to do whatever the fuck he wanted as long as he kept himself alive became the pleasant-for-him norm. He just wished that he still had internet.

Now let's talk about the zombie virus. The infected aren't technically zombies, but they look and act enough like them to be called such. In fact, they are infected with a weaponized strain of the Rabies virus, which got out out containment and infected patient zero, some boring janitor bloke, in some part of China. Nobody alive after that could be assed to remember which part. It is transmitted by various bodily fluids, including, but not limited to, blood, saliva, semen, vaginal lubricant, menstrual fluid, and, sometimes, sweat and tears. It takes 30 seconds to spread around the whole of the infected person's body, with symptoms first emerging between 10 and 30 minutes after infection. Symptoms of infection not present at "zombification" include, but are not limited to, convulsions, blurred vision, sudden mental impairment, hallucinations, severe emotional instability, short-term memory loss, retrograde and anterograde amnesia, sweating, nausea and vomiting. Within 2-4 hours, the process is complete, and they begin hemorrhaging from they eyes, nose, mouth and cuticles, and acting like zombies seen in modern pop culture.

And it is when nobody remembers or fucking cares what the day of the week or month, the month of the year, or the current year is, in Dallas, Texas, that our story begins.

NEXT TIME ON ZOMBIES ARE WANKERS: The story actually gets fucking going! FINALLY!