FSE

Furry search engine

formerly SoFurry search engine

Jasper knew it wasn’t the first time he was visiting that store, but that was as far as his knowledge about it reached.

The white-furred rabbit had walked past it a few times on the street and his gaze had wandered to the inviting door. It was a really opaque establishment, with no window display or even the shyest indication of what the store was supposed to sell. However, whenever Jasper came close to it, he had this weak yet distinct feeling of déjà vu that would stick to him for the rest of the day. He was practically sure he’d been inside at some point – maybe as a child? The memory was foggy enough for that to be the case – but whenever he tried to focus on the details, they just got all blurry.

It was just a matter of time before curiosity got the best out of him and Jasper knew it, so he decided to answer that silent question the easy way. As soon as he had some time to spare, he walked to the store and stood in front of the door, hesitating, as if there was some kind of spell he wasn’t supposed to break, an invisible force warning him that perhaps he shouldn’t walk in. That’s stupid, he found himself thinking. Worst case scenario, this is just a sex shop. Which wouldn’t be so surprising, taking into account the lack of windows.

He pushed the door with a slightly more confident paw and the sound of chimes filled his long ears as he stepped into the store.

A part of him had almost hoped he’d be proved wrong and the store would be totally unknown to him, but the weird feeling of vague recollection only grew stronger as he took his first step towards the counter. It took his eyes a few seconds to take the room in and then a though struck him.

Oh, right. Of course.

It wasn’t a sex shop. The walls of the shop were decorated with hanging pieces of fabric painted with vibrant, geometric shapes that seemed to fill his whole vision. Most of these shapes in the pieces of fabric were arranged around a central point and replicated themselves dozens of times in a circle. To put it simply, Jasper thought walking into that store was as close as someone would get to entering a kaleydoscope.

There was a word for that kind of decoration and it was right on the tip of his tongue, but the rabbit struggled to fully vocalize it.

“Morning, sir,” a voice came from behind Jasper.

The rabbit let out a gasp and turned around quickly – perhaps too quickly. There was a weasel leaning on the counter near the door. He didn’t seem to care about Jasper’s lack of social awareness, so the rabbit relaxed a bit.

“Morning,” he greeted the clerk. “Er, sorry about that. I was just admiring your…”

There it was again. The word that he was supposed to know, but couldn’t remember for the life of him.

“The mandalas, you mean?”

Ah. That’s it, yes.

Jasper nodded.

“They’re really beautiful,” he said, as an attempt to justify his intrusion into the shop. The weasel didn’t really seem to mind that he had just come in to take a look, but you never knew.

“We get that a lot,” the clerk said, a wide smile spreading on his face. “They’re very pretty to look at. People can sometimes be staring at them for hours, you know?”

Even those sentences seemed to activate some kind of dormant memory inside Jasper’s mind. The rabbit shook his head and tried to get rid of it. It was starting to be annoying.

“I bet.”

“They’re used in all kinds of cultures and religions around the world, for the purpose of meditation,” the weasel continued. “Not here, though. The ones we sell here are mostly decorative… except some that have a different, more specific recreational use.”

Jasper definitely heard the last sentences, but his eyes had been glued to a particular piece that was hanging right in front of him. He’d been focusing on the circle of triangles that spiraled down towards a center filled with other geometrical figures and his mind had decided on its own that it would pay little attention to the weasel’s words.

“Uh, sorry?” he asked, slightly embarrassed. “Recreational use, you said?”

The weasel chuckled softly and nodded.

“Yeah. Actually, the one you’re staring at is a prime example of that.”

Jasper cleared his throat.

“I’m not entirely sure I understand what you mean by ‘recreational use’. Like, these are just decorations, right? How can you use them… recreationally?”

It was subtle, but the rabbit could have sworn the clerk had been expecting that question. He left his place by the counter and walked until he was standing next to Jasper, who flinched a bit when the weasel got a bit too close to him.

“Okay, let me help you. You were looking at this one, right?”

“… yes.”

“Good. Look again and let me show you what I mean.”

Jasper did as he was told. The fact that the weasel was so close to him made him slightly uncomfortable – but not enough that he’d move away from him. No, a part of him was kind of enjoying that. And, however impossible it was, Jasper could have sworn it felt…

… familiar?

“Are your eyes focusing on the mandala?”

“Uh, yes, they are.”

“Good. Can you tell me what color it is?”

Jasper blinked a single time. What kind of question was that? There were plenty of colors to choose from in that whirlwind of geometric shapes.

“I know it’s not just a single color, but try to pick one that better describes the whole picture,” the weasel said. “Say whatever comes to your mind first. Don’t think too much about it.”

“Uh. Green.”

“That’s an interesting choice. You see, green is the color of relaxation. It means that, by focusing on the mandala, your mind has decided that it wants to relax. Perhaps because you’ve been subject to some kind of high stress lately – or because you’ve recognized this shop as a place in which you can allow yourself to unwind. Have you been meaning to find some time to relax lately?”

Jasper tried to think about it. Well, his job was always a big source of stress, that for sure, but he hadn’t even thought about that until the weasel had asked.

“Yeah, I think so.”

“That makes sense. The interesting thing about mandalas is that, by taking a look at how you interpret them, we can know what you truly want. And right here, right now, that seems to be relaxing.”

Jasper nodded slowly. He wasn’t entirely sure he’d heard the entirety of that long, distant explanation, but he thought it made sense.

“Now, I want you to focus more on the details. A good way to do so is by starting at the center of the mandala, right at that focal point in the middle of everything. You’ll notice that, as you try to move outwards and focus on the other geometrical shapes that spread from it, you’re inevitably drawn to the center again. If you start by paying attention to those small triangles right there and move to those other shapes that look more like petals, you might reach as far as to those concentric circles almost in the middle of the mandala… but by then, your attention will slowly come back to the petals, to the triangles – then to the center. And you’re stuck there again. And you start to focus on the triangles, on the petals, on the circles…”

A content sigh escaped from Jasper’s lips. It was indeed very relaxing.

“… and then back to the center. Again. Almost like there’s a magnet keeping your attention there. Like you can’t move away from the center, no matter how hard you pull. It isn’t like you want to pull harder either, since it feels so good to just stare at the center of the mandala, right?”

“… yeah…”

“And so, you repeat the same movement again. Outwards slowly… and pulled inwards again. Almost like you’re getting deeper and deeper into the picture every time.”

A small noise came from Jasper’s throat. It was almost like a whimper. His head felt… weird. Slightly fuzzy. Like he wasn’t entirely there.

“What color is the mandala now, Jasper?”

The rabbit tried to focus on the general picture again, but he was too drawn to the center by now. The thought that it was weird that clerk knew him by name didn’t even occur to him. He was too focused on focusing by then.

“… blue?” he answered, hesitantly.

“Blue represents reliability. It means you want to rely on something – an external force, most of the time – to guide you where you want or need to be. It’s not like that external force needs to be something in particular. It can be music, or it can be the voice of a friend making you follow his words as your mind chooses to relax. Is that what’s happening now?”

The rabbit nodded very slowly. His eyes blinked heavily.

“Are you familiar with mantras, Jasper?”

There it was again. A word that he’d definitely heard somewhere else before. The same feeling of weird déjà vu. Trying to remember that stuff was like focusing on those mandalas – the details got lost as soon as he tried to focus on them, the only thing that remained was the general picture and a sense of being overwhelmed by it.

He shook his head slowly.

“A mantra is something you repeat to guide you deeper into the state where you want to be. You take those words and say them out loud until they become your thoughts. You’d usually do that by focusing on the mandala and on the words that are guiding you, which happen to be mine at the moment.”

Jasper had been feeling like most words he heard didn’t have any meaning by them. He was sure he understood what they meant alright, but his brain was simply too entertained with a different thing.

“Do you want to repeat a mantra, Jasper?”

The rabbit nodded. The idea felt alluring, somehow. Like he’d already been there.

Like he’d already known what reciting a mantra while getting lost in a mandala felt like, before.

“Good. Here’s one simple enough for you – ‘I am getting more relaxed’.”

It took Jasper’s mouth a few seconds to open again. It’d been a few minutes since he’d spoken a single word and by now he’d been quiet for so long that breaking the silence felt weird.

“I am getting more relaxed.”

“I bet that sounds good, right? Just the sound of those words on your lips as you hear them. It feels correct. Try and say them one more time.”

“I am getting more relaxed…”

The weasel chuckled softly. There was something about that chuckle that sent a pleasant shudder down Jasper’s spine. For a split second, his mind moved away from the overwhelming effect of everything that was going on and formed an unusual – or perhaps more usual than it felt – thought.

Wait. This has happened before.

But everything was sort of heavy and fuzzy and hazy and the thought quickly faded into the feeling. The weasel’s arm was wrapped around his shoulders now and Jasper thought it felt right.

“And again.”

“I am getting… more relaxed…”

His voice did sound more relaxed every time he said it, which caused all kinds of tingly feelings to stir inside him.

“Three times is the charm, apparently. You can’t go wrong with saying things three times. By the time the third time arrives, it’s probably already true.” Jasper found himself agreeing with those words. That was definitely what it’d felt like. “Let’s try a different one, now. ‘I am following the words you say’.”

W… what…

“I am following the words you say…”

“That sounds good. Not a shred of hesitation in that delivery.” The weasel whispered the next words in his ear and Jasper shuddered. He really liked having him so close for some reason, but he wasn’t entirely sure why. “Go on. You know the drill. Three times.”

“I am following… the words you say…”

“And a last one?”

“I am following…” Jasper was following. “… the words you say.” The words the weasel said.

Another low chuckle. Another deep shudder. Something was changing inside Jasper’s body and mind – now it wasn’t only relaxation that he was feeling, even though the weasel hadn’t addressed that part directly.

“Let’s change it a bit. ‘I will follow all the words you say’.”

The subtle change was lost in the general feeling of being already following. Jasper’s eyes were glassy, but they focus again on the center of the mandala. They’d been pulling out slowly, but then they’d been drawn in again. Deeper this time.

“I will follow all the words you say. I will follow all the words you say. I will follow all the words you say.”

A gentle yet firm paw patted the rabbit’s head, right between his long, sensitive ears. Another soft whimper escaped his throat.

He would follow all the words the weasel said.

“I told you. Three times is the charm.”

There was a brief silence that could have been long. Jasper didn’t know already. He was simply staring and listening to those words. Guided. Repeating. Lost in it.

“Now, why don’t you follow me to the back room, pretty boy? I have a feeling you already know the way, don’t you?”

Jasper knew. He remembered, even if he didn’t know why, even if the details were too difficult to retain and just a general feeling remained after all those times – a general feeling of staring intently and sinking deeper and following those words so many, many times before that one.

But that wouldn’t be the day he’d remember. He followed the weasel obediently to the back room because he will follow all the words the weasel said, knowing that the next time he walked near that store he would be as clueless as he’d been this time. And the next one.

And the next one.