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EXT: MALL PARKING LOT

Hemms is walking out to see Kyle staring at the engine of his car, the hood raised. Kyle is wearing a tight shirt, pants and shoes. Hemms is more reasonably dressed, and has clearly come from work. He approaches Kyle.

HEMMS

What seems to be the problem?

Kyle starts scratching his head.

KYLE

I dunno, man. Like, I put fuel in it and stuff. But when I turn the key, nothing happens.

HEMMS

Well, I know a thing or two about cars. Why don’t you try it real quick? Maybe I can help.

KYLE

Yeah, sure!

Kyle gets behind the wheel and turns the key. Nothing happens.

HEMMS

Did you do anything?

KYLE

Yeah, I turned the key, but like I said, nothing happened.

Hemms reaches into the passenger compartment and manipulates something on the dashboard.

HEMMS

Here’s your problem, you left your headlights on. Your battery must be totally dead by now.

KYLE

Aww, shit, man, I didn’t even know cars have batteries. Don’t they like, run on gas and stuff?

HEMMS

I mean, yes, but…It’s not important, I don’t need to explain to you how an engine works. We just need a pair of jumper cables.

Kyle opens the trunk and reaches in. He retrieves a pair of jump ropes.

KYLE

You’re just lucky I’ve been working at home on building up my endurance.

HEMMS

Uhm, jumper cables are something completely different from jump ropes. Do you have a AAA membership or something?

KYLE

AAA? Like the batteries in my walkman?

HEMMS

Uhm, never mind. Look, there’s a gas station down the road. I’ll go with you, explain what’s going on, and we can probably borrow a jump pack or jumper cables from them.

KYLE

Yeah, all right. Luckily I don’t have to be anywhere for awhile. It’s not far, is it?

HEMMS

It’s not even a mile. Honestly I go there for snacks sometimes.

Kyle and Hemms proceed to walk down the sidewalk.

KYLE

I went to college, you know.

HEMMS

What?

KYLE

I went to college. And I graduated, majoring in sports science with a minor in nutrition. People see me, they think I’m just some big dumb meathead. But I’m not dumb. I’m going for an MBA in the fall. I wanna own a gym, not just work for one, and the bodybuilding money won’t be here forever.

HEMMS

It’s okay, man. You can’t know everything. Like, I don’t know anything about accounting, even though I own my own photo studio. I just hand everything to my account and beg her to make sure I don’t go to jail.

KYLE

OK, so when you invariably repeat the story of some guy handing you jump ropes when you meant jumper cables, you’ll leave my name out, right?

HEMMS

Actually I don’t think I caught your name.

KYLE

It’s Kyle. Kyle Dubrovski. But most people know me as Kyle Driver.

HEMMS

Wait, not THE Kyle Driver? Wrecker of the Ring? The Mountain of Muscles? The Fox who Rocks?

KYLE

Jeez, I quit pro wrestling five years ago, to focus on my studies. Did you really watch me out there?

HEMMS

Of course I did you were ah…Very handsome.

Hemms thinks back to seeing Kyle holding up a championship belt. He’s wearing typical wrestling attire, i.e. just a small speedo, and it does little to hide his massive penis. He has different hair which does not obscure his eyes. Hemms has hearts in his eyes and is salivating over the sight of this big mostly-naked, clearly handsome and well-endowed male.

KYLE

Thanks, man. I’ll see if I can find a poster in a closet somewhere and sign it for you. Who should I make it out to?

HEMMS

Oh ah, Hemms. That’s what I’m usually called.

KYLE

Hemms, like the hem on my shirt, cool cool cool. Don’t let me forget, ok? You work at the mall too, so just come down to Diamond Gym and I’ll make sure it’s behind the counter since I’m usually teaching a class. Don’t worry, the receptionist knows I have fans.

The two of them stop in front of a gas station with a convenience store.

HEMMS

Well, here we are. I’ll talk to the mechanic and see what I can borrow. We may have to just have him drive the truck out.

KYLE

That’s ok, the window sticker says they take Discover, so I got it covered. I’m gonna go inside for a bit.

Hemms emerges carrying a portable jumpstart battery. Kyle is holding, and eating, a bunch of junk food. Hemms is astounded.

KYLE

What? Gotta keep my protein intake up, man. I eat like 8,000 calories a day, and I burn every one.

HEMMS

Okay, fine, but I want some of those [insert your favorite candy].

KYLE

Deal.

The two of them proceed down the street. We see Kyle’s pile of food decreasing. Hemms is having increasing trouble carrying the heavy battery. Once it is all gone, he gestures to some nearby woods. There is a path.

KYLE

Now that I know where we are, I go jogging through here sometimes. It’s a quicker way back to the mall. C’mon, let’s take the shortcut!

HEMMS

Anything to not have to carry this heavy thing a single step further than necessary!

Kyle easily carries the battery, and Hemms follows him into the forest. Once they are fully inside, Kyle dips behind a tree suddenly.

HEMMS

Kyle? Where’d you go? Don’t tell me this is some kind of prank. I hate pranks. Especially when I’m tired and wanna go home.

Kyle emerges from the trees, naked except for his shoes, and with his massive, flaccid cock wagging in front of him.

KYLE

I’m not dumb, and I’m not blind either. I saw you checking me out the whole way here. A signed poster might be nice. But you know what would be real nice? For you to be able to tell everyone you got fucked by the one, the only, Kyle Driver.

HEMMS

(astounded) Wait what? Why? Me? Surely…OK, nice prank guys, come out and show me the cameras.

KYLE

(irritated) It’s not a prank, bro. Like I said I know you were checking me out, and I just wanna show a little appreciation to a fan.

Kyle gives Hemms a firm grope.

KYLE

And you are a fan, right? A big, big fan. Big enough to get down on your knees. Right now.

Hemms kneels down and gives Kyle oral sex, and then undresses for anal sex. By the end of it they are both panting and happy, and then get their clothes back on.

Cut to them at the car, which they jumpstart. Kyle is behind the wheel and pretty happy.

KYLE

Fucking finally! I was worried I’d miss Laverne and Shirley.

HEMMS

This is a pretty sweet ride, you know. Where’d you get it anyway?

Kyle hands Hemms a business card for Highway 87 Exotics.

KYLE

Highway 87 Exotics. I was passing it every day in my crappy little Beetle and I just had to have it. The wind in my hair, the roar of the engine, this thing’s the best!

HEMMS

Highway 87 Exotics huh? Thanks for the tip. Maybe I’ll check them out soon…