FSE

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Summary

Raix desires a moment of peace (and some relief) after a particularly long Vampire Council session at the academy. Unfortunately for him, a certain Phantom Shitter plagues his sanity.

Notes

CW:

This really is just me fucking around. I enjoy writing absurd slice-of-life comical scenarios occasionally with my OCs. Usually, these don't see the light of day and is just me fucking around and exploring personalities. But I decided to spruce this one up a bit after some joking around with some friends.

Nothing too graphic, but you might consider this to be a terrible day to have eyes.

See the end of the work for more notes

SSShitstorm

Raix SolHart _ hated _ wasting time.

The clicking of the vampiric anthro dragon’s heavy boots echoed through the dark halls of Leudracyte Academy.

The moonlight that poured through the stained glass that lined the corridor illuminated his features. Black scales and red accent markings, shoulder-length snow white hair, mismatched eyes of crimson and azure, and a perpetual scowl.

“Diplomacy…” He growled to himself, his voice a low, theatrical baritone. “What a ridiculous notion. There is little to be gained when arguing with the dull, the simple and the ignorant.” His black and gold longcoat flowed behind him, his sheathed rapier dangling from his belt. “Even Ketzgryf should know better, yet, the insufferable bastard insists on playing with his food!”

Ketzgryf. Lord Durantallyn.

The name was bitter on his forked, blue-tinted tongue. A vampiric dragon lord of ancient and terrifying power. The king of the world’s oldest vampire clan, who sat upon a throne of lies. The headmaster of the academy.

And one who enjoyed wasting Raix’s time. His foolish events with the rest of the Vampire Council have grown quite tiresome.

“There is not enough wine in all of France to listen to his endless posturing.” Raix grit his teeth, baring his fangs. “Were it not that I needed answers about mon ombre, I would run the bastard through, along with the rest of the damned Council!”

It was then, that Raix felt a pressure in his lower abdomen.

“Hells…” He muttered under his breath.

The vampires of House Durantallyn, Ketzgryf’s vampire clan...the very same clan that Raix himself belonged to, were rather unique compared to their counterparts from Romania and other parts of the world. Blood coursed through Raix’s veins, his body warm to the touch. He remembered the looks of fear and disgust that he and Ketzgryf would receive from the Council, as they were labeled “Living Vampires”; creatures of the night that had retained some of their bodily functions from when they were mortal, yet in limited capacity.

This unfortunately, included the process of waste.

Nor did it help that Raix’s usual method of getting through Council meetings was to drown himself in the finest reds that France had to offer.

Down the hall, he spotted the oaken door to the lavatory on his right. His clawed hand wrapped around the brass handle, Raix pushing his way inside.

The arched ceiling loomed over porcelain fixtures. Metal pipes, covered in glowing occultic sigils and patterns, hummed with enchanted power.

While it may have been the mid 1800s, the lavatory was quite advanced. A testament to Leudracyte Academy’s power. Were a hypothetical time traveler to stumble upon these chambers, they might find the facility to be surprisingly modern.

Raix’s mismatched eyes scanned the restroom.

“Empty. Thank the gods.” He sighed. “Last thing I need is for some simpering fool to start questioning me again.”

At least, it seemed empty.

Three stalls at the far end. Two of them had their wooden black-lacquered doors left wide open.

The stall tucked into the corner, however, was shut.

“Hmm…” Raix stepped further into the lavatory.

“Blissfully silent.” He muttered under his breath. “Either they’re non-existent, comatose or dead.”

Nearby the row of stalls, a single urinal was attached to the wall.

With a weary sigh, Raix stepped forward and prepared to take care of his business…

* * *

The vampire dragon pulled the lever above the urinal.

As water rushed through the pipes, Raix fastened his trousers.

“Bliss...” He spun around toward the sinks. “While the Council need not concern themselves with such banal affairs like us, they all have the appearance of desecrated corpses.” Raix chuckled to himself, as he began to pull up the sleeves of his longcoat…

_ -PBRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRPFT- _

Raix’s eyes snapped wide open at the sound.

_ -PFFTSQUEAKBRRRRRAP- _

The ear-shattering flatulence obliterated the silence of the lavatory. Raix tilted his head towards the origin of the horrific sound.

It was coming from the closed stall.

“Merde…” He quietly swore in his home language, shaking his head.

He resumed his work on pulling up his coat’s sleeves. The sinks lacked any form of reflective surface. Considering the academy housed mostly vampires, this was hardly an issue.

He pulled at the faucet handle, letting the hot water run for a few moments.

-_ PBBBT-SPLAT- _

“Good gods…” Raix deadpanned, his voice echoing in the restroom. Steam began to rise from the sink.

“I know our clan usually devours souls, but it sounds like your own is leaving the back door.” Raix drolled on, squirting soap into his hands and running them under the faucet’s stream. “I don’t believe in prayer, but shall I hunt down a priest for you? I’ll have them administer your Last Rites while you rot away in there.”

Raix glanced at the gap beneath the door of the stall.

“...Can’t see their legs.” Raix frowned. “A spirit, perhaps…”

“What a shitty place to haunt.”

He chuckled at his own joke, before-

_ -SPLLLLLTTT- _

Raix’s pointed ears folded back against his head, the cacophonous sound like a bucket of slick mud having been thrown against a wall.

“Perhaps an exorcism is in order.” Raix rolled his eyes. “Though, I fear no amount of potpourri will cleanse your soul of this forsaken stench.”

A high-pitched squeal from the stall provided his answer.

“A soprano, I see!” Raix ran his hands underneath the sink again. “My apologies, Madame. I wrongly assumed you were a contralto.”

Save for the faucet’s running water, the lavatory was now-silent.

Unfortunately, the smell remained. An indescribable crime against both the living and the dead.

“Oh, nothing else?” Raix flicked his hands dry. “A pity. I was waiting for the Grande Finale. Please, don’t catch stage fright now! I am eagerly awaiting your imminent demise after you end up shitting out your own heart!”

_ - SPLORT-BLLLLLPPPPRRTTT-SQUELCH - _

Raix’s lips curled, forming an utterly contemptuous scowl.

“Bravo.” He could barely hide the sardonic disdain in his voice. “A symphony of waste. A veritable shitstorm. A masterful crime against les toilettes. Truly, Wagner and Chopin would be proud of your fecal-stained composition.”

_ - __ PLOPSBRRRRRRLSSHH- _

“The minstrels and bards of many a court will sing of your groundbreaking bowel movements.”

_ - __ FLPLPLFPLFPFSSPFBRT- _

“However, I believe your attempt to procreate with your own shit will only be told by jesters and the writers of penny dreadfuls.”

…

…..Merciful silence.

Raix’s booted foot tapped impatiently against the tile of the lavatory.

“Done? Don’t bother getting up.” He crossed his arms. “I must fetch a grimoire from the library, and seal away your maelstrom of intestinal fury.”

“Frankly, I’d rather burn down-”

_ - SPHGHHHHHHHPLTTER - _

Raix’s left hand dropped to the hilt of his rapier, his fingers tracing the thorn-like points on the ring-guard. Considering…

Instead, he released a long exhale, full of disgust.

“Never mind. Just die in your own filth.”

Raix’s boots twisted, turning to leave…

• Schlk-

His pointed ears perked at the new sound.

• Schlk...fwip-

Slick. Rhythmic, in nature.

• Fwp, crrrrrk-

The stall creaked, the occupant inside shifting their weight.

Raix slowly turned towards the stall, a blank look on his face.

“You...” His voice was a low, venomous murmur, barely above a whisper. “You cannot be serious!”

-Schlckshslpfwpfwipschlk-

The slick rhythm was getting louder. Faster.

“Arretez!” Raix hissed the command for the stall’s occupant to cease. “This is not a brothel for the dysenteric!”

-_ FWPSCHLOPSCHLCKFWPSCHLOPSCHLCKFWPSCHLOPSCHLCK- _

Whoever was in the stall must have been going for a world record.

“What in the HELLS is _ WRONG _ with you?!” The sardonic wit in Raix’s voice had all, but faded, leaving only disbelief-fueled rage. “First, you shit out your stomach through your rectum for all the world to hear! And now, you end up celebrating the achievement with…” He held his hand out towards the stall. “with _ THIS?! _ I would drag you out myself, were I not so embarrassed to witness the visage of the vandal in there-”

“_ Ohhhhrrr…” _

Raix was suddenly interrupted by an overly-enthusiastic moan that emanated from the stall.

“_ Ohh _ _ yeahhhhh~ __ …” _

• SCHLKSCHLKSCHLKSCHLKSCHLKSCHLKSCHLKSCHLKSCHLKSCHLKSCHLK-

“I-...you-”

Raix was utterly speechless. His shuddering right hand, balled into a fist, dripped with blood, his clawed digits digging into his palm.

“_ Mmph!” _

A high-pitched yelp echoed.

“_ Sooo...so fuckin’ BIG! AAAAAAAAAAAAH!” _

“_ Yessssss ! _ _ ALL THE WAY! ” _

That was the final violation Raix could stand suffer.

His right hand crossed over his body. He reached for the hilt of his blade, as Raix practically ripped the rapier free of its scabbard.

“_ ESPECE DE SALAUD MALADE!!!” _ Raix barked a series of rapid-fire insults in his mother-tongue. “_ CREATURE REPUGNATE!” _

He crossed the restroom in a series of long strides, the steel of his rapier reflecting the light of the gas lamp-lit chamber.

Upon reaching the stall, he raised his right foot.

“_ JE VAIS T’ARRACHER LES COUILLES!!!! __ ” _

Raix snarled out the threat of imminent castration. The knee-high boot was drawn back…

...and in a blur of supernatural strength and speed, he drove his heel into the door.

_ -CRACK!- _

Wood splintered apart in an explosive display, the thundering impact audible outside. The brass lock clattered to the tiles below, as whatever was left of the door slammed against the stall’s inner wall.

Raix prepared to lunge into the stall, ready to tear his prey’s insides out…

He froze.

The vandal that straddled the toilet was himself.

A nightmarish version of himself that twisted and defied all logic and reason.

Black scales. Red accent markings. An identically lithe build.

He wore the same uniform that was standard-issue for the students that attended Leudracyte Academy; A white jacket and a pair of similarly colored slacks, with a red trim that ran down the edges of the jacket. Yet, the doppelganger’s outfit was frayed, torn, a completely disastrous mess. A red aiguillette loosely hung from the right shoulder of the uniform.

The jacket was left open, revealing the creature’s red-scaled chest. A scarred pattern ran down his throat, traveling down the front of his body and ending at his belly, almost resembling the star constellation of Serpens. The sleeves of his jacket and slacks were torn completely off, at the elbows and knees respectively, revealing his arms and his clawed feet.

His white hair was styled backwards, the spiked tips of his locks ending in a jet-black color. He stared, a manic grin on his face.

Ice-blue colored eyes, swallowed in black sclera, gazed at Raix.

_ Raigengrau. _

“Took you long enough, Baby Bat.” His multilayered voice purred the mocking endearment. “Was beginnin’ to think you were just gonna let me finish without an audience. How rude.”

The torn slacks pooled around his ankles, his legs widely spread. His right hand wrapped around a pillar of mottled blue-and-black flesh between his legs, his red-scaled balls hanging over the lid of the toilet he was perched on.

“ YOU!!! ” Raix stood rigid, glaring down the length of his snout at the doppelganger dragon that was borne from his original soul. The same soul that he had lost when he was turned into a vampire.

“In the flesh!” Raigengrau spread his arms in a theatrical shrug, releasing the hold on his dick, “Ya’ know, while strokin’ my flesh and all that jazz…”

“PUTAIN DE MERDE!” Spittle flew from Raix’s muzzle. “Is this some new game of yours, Raigengrau?! To hide in chambers and give birth to demons made of shit!?”

“Damn, Baby Bat.” Raigengrau’s smile never faltered. “You don’t have to yell, ya’ know. Save some of that energy.” He brought his right hand to his shaft, giving his cock a playful stroke. A bead of jet-black precum leaked from the tip. “I figured you might be a bit lonely. Thought maybe you might wanna blow off some steam after the meeting, ya’ know?”

“ B-BLOW OFF- ” Raix’s eyes shot down to the throbbing cock between Raigengrau’s legs. An unwanted blush briefly formed on his cheeks, fading before he continued his verbal assault. “_ NON! _ I want _ NOTHING _ to do with you!”

“You’re thinkin’ ‘bout it, though.” Raigengrau waggled his eyebrows.

“ ONLY BECAUSE YOU HAVE THAT _ THING _ - ” Raix pointed a finger at Raigengrau’s erection. “- OUT AND ABOUT! ” His voice cracked, drawing a snort of laughter from Raigengrau.

“Pffft, oh shit! ” He paused for effect, considering what he was currently straddling. “Sorry, that was kinda cute. In..._like..._a really cringey kinda-way.” He gripped his cock, now freely leaking. “Can ya’ do that again? Maybe talk dirty to me, Baby Bat?”

Raigengrau’s words made Raix jolt with a mixture of rage and embarrassment. “I-” He started, before he took a deep (and wholly unneeded) breath. The hold on his rapier wavered, as he resisted the urge to leap into the stall and strangle Raigengrau to death.

“I will not.” Raix forced himself to take control, speaking in his usual theatrical baritone. “I would flay you alive, were it to accomplish anything. Unfortunately, I am plagued by your continued existence!”

He forced a smirk onto his face, the left corner of his muzzle twitching. “Besides, you pride yourself too much, mon ombre! Your antics are nothing compared to the tiresome performance art that is Ketzgryf’s meetings with the Vampire Council!”

“Ohhhh!” Raigengrau bit his lower lip. “Caught ya’ ass! You did it again!”

“Did what?” Raix spat.

“That adorable little nickname. ‘Mon Ombreeeee~’” Raigengrau mocked, drawing out the words. “Kinda cute when ya’ call me that. ‘My shadow’, ooooOOOOooo....” His left hand came down to grope underneath his balls.

“_ STOP THAT! ” Raix leaned forward. “There is _nothing cute about it! It is simply an...accurate title. As much as I wish to be as far removed from you as possible!”

“Man, you’re such a bad fuckin’ liar, Baby Bat!” Raigengrau ignored Raix’s outburst as he went back to jerking himself off. “Come on!” He grit his teeth. “Put that sword away and come play with my own! You keep wavin’ that pointy little thing around, people are gonna think you’re compensating for somethin’!”

If looks could kill, Raix’s own gaze would have wiped Raigengrau off the face of the planet.

“You _ insufferable STAIN! I WILL- _”

“Woah-whew-hooo!” Raigengrau gripped the head of his cock. “Keep talkin’ dirty to me, Baby Bat! You keep goin’ like this, I’m gonna paint these walls!”

“In fact…”

Raigengrau released his cock, the engorged length bouncing up and down between his legs. Without taking his eyes off of Raix’s, he slid across the toilet seat to the right.

“C’mon in, Baby Bat! Take a seat with your favorite guy!” Raigengrau grinned. He leaned towards the space he just made for Raix and patted the toilet seat with his clawed hand. “Let’s make Ketzgryf jealous with some ‘us’ time in the bathroom!”

This time, Raix did not restrain himself from lunging towards Raigengrau.

“ ENOUGH OF THIS! _ JE VAIS TE JETER MOI-MEME DANS LES TOILETTES!” _

“ YESSS, BABY BAT! FLUSH ME DOWN THE TOILET! LET’S FUCKIN’ DO IT IN THE PIPES!”

* * *

“You need no assurance from me, Councilman...ah-”

“Councilman _ Bluttrinker , Herr Durantallyn.”_

The alabaster-scaled vampire dragon lord raised an eyebrow towards his companion. Long, perfectly-kept platinum-blonde hair cascaded down his shoulders, the tips of his locks turning a shade of lavender-violet that matched his left eye, his right a shade of crimson. He wore the white uniform of the academy, with a purple trim on his jacket.

“Bluttrinker?” A smug smile formed on Ketzgryf Durantallyn’s muzzle. “My, how dreadfully on-the-nose. I suppose the houses of Austria are rather blunt.” His silver boots carried him down the corridor, alongside a positively ancient anthro crow, his beak cracked and weathered in numerous places.

“Compared to your methods…” The vampiric crow croaked. “Ja. We’ve no need to play with our prey.

Ketzgryf held his hands behind his back as he walked. “Come now, Councilman Bluttrinker. It never hurts to have a sense of humor. As for our methods…” He nonchalantly rolled his shoulders in a shrug. “...The number of new accessions has only increased year-after-year. It seems the council approves of the academy’s teachings.”

The pair made their way down the corridor, past an oaken door that lead to the lavatory.

“And yet, the youngbloods never have seen the depths of your depravity.” The avian continued.

“They rarely see me at all, Councilman” Ketzgryf scoffed. “I fear I leave quite the effect on others.” He narrowed his eyes, his smile twisting into a smirk. “The whelps you send to Leudraceia have nothing to fear from me. Are you concerned that I will return them as broken husks?”

“We’re concerned that you’ll end up creating another monster.” The avian stared with glassy eyes. “The last one you broke became the Wildfire of Strasbourg.”

Ketzgryf ignored the Councilman’s pointed question regarding his history with Raix. “Hm...I must admit, I am quite curious. How does a crow end up becoming a vampire?” Ketzgryf grinned slightly, baring his sharp teeth, fangs included. “The mystery alludes even my own vast knowledge, considering you all lack something very important in regards to feeding-”

“ I WILL TEAR YOU APART, PIECE BY PIECE, IF I HAVE TO!”

Ketzgryf froze in place.

“_ NAH, _ YOU WON’T! NO BALLS, BABY BAT!”

“What..._is that, _Herr Durantallyn?” Councilman Bluttrinker pointed a gnarled claw towards the source of the commotion, at the lavatory’s door.

“It is a door, Councilman.” Ketzgryf dryly remarked.

“Undoubtedly.” The Councilman snapped back. “I mean...what is going on in there?”

“_ NOT EVEN THE RATS WILL FIND YOU ROTTING IN THE SEPTIC TANK!!! _ ”

“ WHAT’S A ‘SEPTIC TANK’? SOUNDS LIKE A REAL SHITTY PLACE, BABY BAT!”

“ MERDE! I WILL DROWN YOU IN YOUR OWN WASTE!”

“ YEAHHH! GIVE ME MORE OF THIS FOREPLAY, BABY BAT!!!!”

Ketzgryf’s eye twitched, as he stood outside of the restroom with the Councilman.

“...It is nothing.” He turned away from the door, away from the commotion within the lavatory. “Merely ghosts. Spirits and poltergeists. I will fetch a clansmember to...excise the lavatory.”

“And…” Ketzgryf thought to himself. “...I will pray that I will die of embarrassment.”

Afterword

End Notes

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