Hey Jealousy Part 2: Head Like a Hole
Malik begins his journey to sobriety
Head Like a Hole 2
Malik sat on the sofa looking at his phone as he realized something. He felt different. Awake? Real? He was aware of his body in ways he hadn’t been for a while. The way his knees felt tight and his back ached. He couldn’t remember when he’d last felt those kinds of aches. Michelle sat down beside him. She smelled different. It was like the subtleties had returned. The smells that were from her and those that she wore were distinct. He closeness felt good. Right. Malik tucked his phone back into his pocket and leaned back on the sofa.
“You seem pensive,” Michelle said as she laid her head on his chest. She closed her eyes, listening to his breathing. His heartbeat.
“Pensive?” He absently stroked the soft cinnamon-colored spot on the back on Michelle’s neck, prompting the mouse to nestle in closer.
“Like you’re thinking about something.”
“Yeah,” Malik nodded. “The group… I’m supposed to surrender to some higher power. Like God or some shit. I donno.” He adjusted his position a little to look at her. She was beautiful. Eyes closed. Relaxed. She looked like she might fall asleep if he stayed still long enough. He listened to her breathing for a moment. “But it’s one of the requirements. Can’t move forward without it.”
“You did read the literature Simon gave you, right?”
Malik nodded. “Yeah.” He probably had? He’d at least skimmed it. “Most of it. I mean, up to where we are in the process.”
Michelle draped a leg over Malik’s thigh, pulling herself closer against him. Without opening her eyes, she said, “Yeah, so, it says that your higher power can be literally anything that you think is greater than yourself. It’s like where you go to make sure you stay on the right path.”
“Oh. That’s you.” The words came before the thought. Before he knew what he was saying.
“Pardon?” Michelle sat up, her paws pressed into the fox’s chest.
“You’re my higher power,” He grinned.
Michelle collapsed back into him with a deep sigh. “I love you, but I don’t think I’m comfortable being your god.”
“It’s like you said, just something greater than me that helps me keep from fucking up.”
“I didn’t say it like that.”
“No, but it’s the same idea,” he shrugged, sliding his arms around her. “You’ve gotten me this far. I haven’t done anything in like a month.”
“In that case, maybe my vagina is your god,” she scoffed.
“Be serious,” Malik huffed.
Michelle shrugged. “I am.”
“I like sex, yeah, but that’s not why I’ve been clean.” He sat up a bit more. Touched her cheek and looked into her eyes. “I don’t want to disappoint you. I don’t want to make you sad. I hate myself for ever doing that to you. I don’t want to be that person again.”
Michelle’s eyes widened for a moment. This was a Malik she didn’t remember. “Did you practice that?” she chuckled. Maybe a half joke.
“A little. Parts of it,” he admitted. “But I mean it. I really mean it.”
“I can tell.” She settled herself into his lap, straddling his thighs. “Look. I know it’s only been a month, but I’m proud of you. I can see how hard you’re trying.” She took his face in her paws and touched her nose to his. “But I’m worried about when you’ll need to resist real temptation. You have to do this for you, not for me. Alright?” She sat back up and studied his face.
“Alright. Yeah.”
“Promise?” she pressed. There was pleading in her eyes.
“Promise.” He swiped a claw across his chest to form a cross shape and smiled up. He placed his paws on her hips.
“Got your second test back yet?”
“Yes, ma’am.”
“Show me,” Michelle says, gesturing for his phone
“Not that you don’t trust me,” he said with a chuckle. “Here.” He placed the unlocked phone in her paw, the health app opened.
She scrolled through the results. “I thought you just got a test for STDs. This is a comprehensive panel.”
“Doc said it’d been a while. Thought it’d be a good idea.”
Michelle swallowed hard. She looked down at Malik. Studied the fox’s face. “Um. This isn’t good.”
Malik shrugged. “My liver’s pretty fucked,” he chuckled.
Michelle stood from Malik’s lap, scrolling and tapping at his phone as she began to pace. “Did the doctor call you about all this?”
Malik ran his paws back over his ears and through is auburn fur. “Yeah but, like, one problem at a time. I’m getting clean…”
“No! This problem, right now!” Michelle cut him off. “This is dangerous. I don’t see one thing normal on this.” She scrolled. “Lipids. Proteins. ATC. Bilirubin. Nothing is where it should be.”
Malik sat up and put his elbows on his knees, clasping his paws. “I don’t have the money for all this.”
Michelle, her eyes full of tears. Full of frustration, dropped the phone on the coffee table. “Don’t make fucking excuses!” She stopped, stared at him. “I don’t want you to die,” she said in a kind of strangle whimper.
Death. That wasn’t a new concern. He’d been in the ER throwing up blood before. Been in for alcohol poisoning more than a few times. He felt death watching him from the corner. This was different. He was sober. He felt fine—mostly fine, anyhow. And Michelle was crying. She was worried. Scared. “Doctors want money…”
Michelle threw out her paws. “Landlords want money. Restaurants want money.” She closed her eyes and held up her paws to stop Malik from saying anything. “Money is not a problem. Alright?” She sniffled and rubbed her face.
Malik sat there, watching Michelle pace and fret. He was doing what he was good at—making folks upset. Making them angry. Sober, though, it felt different. The self-righteousness wasn’t as quick to surface. It wasn’t as easy to wave off guilt or transmute it into venom for a counterattack. He lowered his head. Hid is amber eyes. “Thank you.” How did he come up with that? Not his usual ‘sorry’ or ‘fuck off.’ A simple ‘thank you.’ Maybe his brain was working better.
Michelle noticed. She turned her deep brown eyes his way and studied him. The slightest hint of a smile cracked through her sadness and fear and frustration. “Sure,” she said, adding, “Call them now. Make your appointment. Let’s get this fixed.” She grabbed up his phone from the table and tossed it into his lap as sat down next to him, pulling his fluffy tail over her lap like a blanket. She held it, stroking the soft fur. It was more like she was comforting herself than him.
Malik sighed and tapped to call the doctor’s office.
* * *
Michelle held Malik’s paw as he walked to the counter. She was there for moral support. That and to pay for his meds. In addition to paying for her apartment, she received a generous allowance until her trust fund started distributions after college.
Malik recited his information. The pharmacist, a badger in her fifties, did a double-take as Malik’s information appeared on her screen. “Alright, Mr. Singh. I see… seven new prescriptions ready. Looks like there’s another one on back order. We’ll call when that one comes in.”
“Sounds good,” Malik nodded.
Michelle squeezed his paw, looking at the various impulse items lined up at the periphery of the counter. Condoms. Candies. Cold medicines. “It’s like stuff for a really sad party,” she whispered.
The pharmacist explained how to take each medication and what side effects to watch out for. She leaned in. “Your doctor will check you out again before you before you get a refill. Most kids your age only have to be on these for a few months.”
Malik balked at being called a kid. He was twenty-six. He’d been out of his dad’s place for nine years. Then again, the pharmacist was probably in her fifties. Maybe sixties. She was old enough to be his mom, for sure. “I hope so,” he nodded, looking down at Michelle. After scans and punctures and biopsies and more bloodwork, the doctor sounded hopeful. If he didn’t fall back into those old habits, he’d improve. Never be completely better, but that’s what Malik saw as his punishment.
The pharmacist leaned over the counter and smiled at Michelle. “I see you there. How have you been, Miss Tran?”
“Very well, thank you, Stella,” Michelle smiled. “Trying to get Malik here better.”
Stella? Malik hadn’t even noticed the name tag on the badger’s coat. “This is your pharmacy too?” he said, feeling like he should say something.
“She’s been coming here since before she can remember,” Stella laughed. “You, Mr. Singh, are in good paws with this one.” Then a wink. Who does that? Who talks like that?
Malik smiled and nodded. “I know.”
Stella tapped some things into the computer and nodded. “If you want to sign, you’re good to go, Mr. Singh.”
“How much is it?” Michelle said, standing on her toes to see over the counter.
“Oh, there’s no charge,” Stella said. “There are programs based on income and property.” She eyed Malik. There seemed to be a sort of protectiveness directed at Michelle. “Mr. Singh qualifies for several of those. Plus, the new patient discount took care of the rest.”
On paper, Malik didn’t have a penny to his name. Whatever bank accounts he used to have were long closed. He didn’t have a car anymore. Didn’t own anything worth more than a few bucks since selling off his guitars. This status would have made it almost impossible to get a loan or rent an apartment but worked to his advantage in this case. He thought of making a joke but decided against it. “I remember having to pay light eighty bucks for antibiotics when I got a sinus infection a couple of years back.”
“Thank you, Stella,” Michelle smiled, cutting off further conversation. “We have another appointment we need to get to. I’ll come see you next week.” She gathered the bags and
Stella smiled and nodded. “I’ll see you then, Miss Tran. It’s good to meet you Mr. Singh.”
“Good to meet you Stella,” Malik said. “I’ll see you again when the other meds come in.” He carefully took the bags from Michelle and followed her out through the aisles. “I don’t remember an appointment.”
“Yeah. I just wanted to get you out of there,” Michelle whispered, keeping a quick pace to the door.
“Why? What’s up?”
“She haaaates you,” Michelle laughed, secure they were out of earshot as the doors closed behind them.
“What? She was so nice… Why?”
“Stella’s my godmother. She doesn’t think you’re good enough for me,” she explained, hugging his arm as they walked.
“She’s right,” Malik said. No spite or self-deprecation. Just an honest assessment.
“Probably, but it’s my choice.”
Malik knit his brow and looked down at the mouse clinging to his arm. “Your choice? So I don’t get a say?”
“Absolutely not,” Michelle laughed. “Look at what happens when we let you make choices,” she added, nudging the bags of prescription medication.
“Good point.”
Michelle stopped and took Malik’s paws in hers. She looked up at him gently. Sincerely. “Look. My parents aren’t going to cut me off for dating you as long as it doesn’t affect my schoolwork. And there’s something about you that I really love. It’s like I can see who you really are underneath the things that happened to you and the bad choices.” She thought a moment, taking a breath. Looking for the right words. At least, that’s how Malik saw it. “You’re not a project. I’m not trying to improve you. I just want to help you clean up so everyone else can see what I see.”
“That’s the nicest way anyone’s ever called me a fuck-up before,” Malik cooed.
Michelle shook her head and laughed. “I was being serious, goof.” She stood on her toes as she pulled him down to her, their lips meeting in a soft kiss. “I’m really am proud of how hard you’re trying.”
“Yeah, you keep saying that,” Malik chuckled, starting off down the street again.
“I don’t want you to forget.”