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Leave it to Lester July 1954 New York, New York, a helluva town The Bronx is up and The Battery’s down New York, New York, lyrics by Betty Comden & Adolph Green Roy woke to the sound of insistent knocking on his apartment door. The bear rubbed his bleary eyes and looked at the clock on his nightstand. Who in heck would be at his door at this time of night? It couldn’t be Sarah, could it? The pounding continued. Roy grabbed the robe that hung on the back of his bathroom door and wrapped it around his nude frame. He finished tying the belt just as he reached his front door. Without bothering to look through the peephole, Roy flung the door wide and found a familiar beaver smiling up at him. “Hey, buddy! I’m here!” Lester Moore pushed his way past the startled bear into Roy’s apartment and dropped a suitcase on the floor. “I missed my original flight and had to catch the red-eye.” “Lester!” Roy scratched at the disheveled mop of fur on the top of his head. “What the hell are you doing here?” the bear demanded of his old Army pal. “Building contractors’ convention.” The beaver made a beeline for Roy’s kitchen. “Don’t tell me you forgot,” he called over his shoulder as he helped himself to a beer from the refrigerator. “I didn’t forget. I knew you were coming to town, but I didn’t know it was today and we didn’t discuss you staying here.” Roy folded his arms across his chest. “I assumed you were staying at the convention hotel.” Lester popped the bottle cap using his big incisors, took a deep swallow of beer, then pointed a finger at his friend. “You know what happens when you assume, right?” “Huh?” Roy was bewildered. “You make an ASS of U and ME,” Lester slapped his knee and laughed. “Hey, didn’t you assume you could just stay here?” Roy countered. Lester looked hurt. “What? I’m not welcome in my old buddy’s house?” “No, no! That’s not what I’m saying.” “Do you have any idea what they charge for a room in that hotel?” Roy sighed, “Alright, Lester, you can stay.” “You and Sarah won’t even know I’m here,” promised the beaver. “For sure Sarah won’t know,” said Roy. When Lester gave him a quizzical look, Roy finally spilled the beans. “Sarah and I aren’t married.” “What? Did you guys get a divorce? Why didn’t you tell me?” “Look, there was nothing to tell. We were never married,” Roy explained. “Speaking of assuming things, you just assumed we were hitched when she came with me to your wedding.” Lester blinked his eyes and thought for a moment. He licked his lips and grinned, “So if you two aren’t a couple, then you wouldn’t mind if Sarah and I…” “Yes, I mind!” Roy growled. “Don’t you even think about it!” “Yeesh! Okay, pal. Don’t get your panties in a knot.” Lester winked knowingly. “I won’t lay a paw on your lynx wife… or girlfriend… or whatever she is.” “I’m glad we got that cleared up,” said the bear. “I’m still going to call her Sarah Carrara.” Lester looked around and asked, “So where do I sleep?” “Well, I’ve only got one bedroom,” Roy jerked his thumb over his shoulder, “and there’s only one bed.” Before Roy could get out another word, the big rodent picked up his suitcase. “That’s alright, I don’t mind sharing.” Beer in one paw, suitcase in the other, Lester waddled off in the direction Roy had unwittingly pointed. “I need to be up by seven so I can get down to the convention and register. You can drive me there, right?” Roy put his head in his paws then followed his uninvited guest into the bedroom. + + + New York, New York, a helluva town The Bronx is up and The Battery’s down The people ride in a hole in the ground New York, New York, it’s a helluva town Roy awoke to the sound of water running in the shower and Lester’s off-key voice reverberating in the bathroom. Apparently, those were the only words to the song that the rodent knew, because after a few ‘bum-bum-bums’ he started over. New York, New York, a helluva town… Roy swung his legs out of bed and rubbed at a bruise on his thigh. It seemed like every time Lester rolled over in his sleep, he managed to whack Roy with his thick beaver tail. The sleep-deprived bear rose to his feet, adjusted the boxer shorts he put on prior to climbing in bed with Lester, and padded off to the kitchen to make some coffee. The pot was on the stove and just beginning to perk. Roy was pulling some mugs down out of the cabinet trying to think of a way of talking Lester into checking into the hotel. Maybe if he agreed to pay half… “Mmmm. Coffee smells good.” Roy looked up to see Lester standing in the kitchen doorway. The beaver was nude and Lester’s privates were swinging in time with his towel as he buffed his back dry. Roy was trying hard to avert his eyes. “Holy crap, Lester! Can’t you at least put some shorts on before you come out here?” “Awww, feeling a little inadequate, are we?” “No!” Roy asserted. “I just don’t need to see that before I’ve even had my breakfast.” “So, I should save it to show you after breakfast?” Lester asked. “No! I don’t want to see it at all.” “How on Earth did you ever survive Army showers?” Lester shook his head in wonder. He saluted, performed an exaggerated about face, and marched off in the direction of the bedroom singing, “New York, New York, it’s a helluva town…” + + + Roy telephoned Sarah from The Thread Bear later that morning. “You’ll never guess who’s in town,” he challenged her. “I can usually read you like a book, Willie,” said the lynx, “but you’ve got me stumped this time.” “Lester Moore,” said Roy. “There’s some kind of convention for building contractors going on.” “Really? Did he bring Lydia with him?” “No, thank God. It’s bad enough that I’m sharing my bed with just him. I barely got any sleep last night.” “I know you’re bisexual, Willie,” Sarah giggled, “but I never thought that Lester was your type.” “Believe me, he’s not,” Roy sighed. “It’s… complicated.” “How complicated can it be?” asked Sarah. “Lester only has two emotions: horny and…” There was a brief pause. “Okay, so he’s only got one.” “Just watch out for that one if you bump into him,” Roy said. “He knows we aren’t married now and suspects that you might be available. I think I headed that off for you, though.” “I appreciate that,” said the lynx. “So where is he now? At your place or the convention?” “I drove him down to the convention hotel this morning before coming to work. I told him to call a cab when he’s ready to come back.” “When do you expect him home?” Sarah asked. “He said the last session is over at seven, so maybe seven thirty?” + + + By ten o’clock that night, Roy’s eyelids were beginning to droop. He decided to just leave the door unlocked for Lester and head for bed. It was well past midnight when Roy was jolted awake by the bang of the apartment door and the sound of Lester’s voice coming from the living room. “Right this way, baby.” Lester’s squat figure appeared in the doorway. Roy turned on his bedside lamp. Standing just behind the beaver was a female otter. The girl was a half head taller than Lester. She wore a provocative red dress that barely contained her huge breasts. Both beaver and otter were clearly intoxicated. “Lester, you didn’t tell me this was going to be a menagerie à trois.” The girl butchered the pronunciation of the last word, slurring it into “trawhz.” “It’s not, baby,” Lester said to the girl before turning to his host, “unless you feel like joining us, Roy.” “No, Lester!” Roy said loudly, swinging his feet out of the bed. “Oh, okay. In that case, do you mind taking a walk or something? Give us about forty-five minutes.” “I’m not taking a walk.” “Oh, if you want to watch then, that’s fine. I didn’t know you were into that kind of thing.” “I’m not,” Roy said sternly. “You can’t just bring that girl in here.” “I guess that’s alright.” Lester put his arm around the otter’s waist and nuzzled the exposed topside of one breast. “You don’t mind doing it out on the couch, do ya, baby?” “I mean you can’t bring her into my apartment.” “How was I supposed to know that?” Lester asked defensively. “You left the door open. And you didn’t hang a necktie on the knob.” “Huh? What?” Roy stammered. “Les, that’s not the way it works. You hang a necktie out when you’re having sex and you don’t want your roommate to come in.” “Oh, right,” said the rodent. He squirmed out of his tie and offered it to Roy. “In that case, would you mind hanging this on the door on your way out?” “Lester, nobody’s having sex in my apartment and nobody is on their way out except this young lady.” Roy retrieved his wallet from the top of his dresser and fished out a ten-dollar bill. He held the cash out to the female. “Here’s cab fare for you, Miss…” “Trixie,” the otter smiled as she accepted the money. Roy rubbed his temples with one paw while he steered the otter toward the door with his other. “Trixie. Why doesn’t that surprise me?” he muttered to himself. After ushering the lutrine out into the hall and pointing her toward the stairs, Roy turned back inside, locking the door behind him. The bear returned to the bedroom only to find Lester sprawled unconscious across the bed. Air whistled around his front teeth each time the beaver exhaled. Roy carefully removed Lester’s glasses and laid them on the nightstand. He selected an extra blanket from the closet, then retrieved his pillow before shutting off the light. He closed the bedroom door behind himself and took refuge on the living room couch. + + + Lester was still out cold when Roy woke the next morning and passed through the bedroom on his way to the bathroom. After his shower, Roy returned to his bedroom to dress. As the bear was pulling on his trousers, Lester rolled onto his back and groaned. “Hey there, Sleeping Beauty,” said Roy. Lester put his paws to the sides of his head and groaned again. “That good, huh?” asked the bear. He slapped Lester on the thigh. “Come on out to the kitchen. I’ve got some coffee brewing.” “Be right there,” moaned the hung-over beaver. ‘Right there’ turned into nearly twenty minutes. At last, Lester stumbled into his host’s kitchen and collapsed into a chair at the small table. Roy poured a large mug of black coffee and slid it over to his pal. “I’ve got to go open up The Thread Bear soon,” said Roy. “There’s a full pot of coffee here for you. Are you going back to the convention today?” “Uh, no.” Lester sipped from his mug. “There’s just a breakfast and a closing address.” The beaver looked around. “Where’s uh…” Lester faltered, trying to remember. “Trixie?” Roy suggested. When Lester nodded his head, Roy went on, “I sent her home last night. You don’t remember?” “Not really. No.” Roy sighed. “Look, Les, you’re a grown male and you don’t need me to lecture you. But you need to think about what this would do to Lydia. I know you two are pretty open about… stuff… but you left her back in Duluth with two small kits to look after and you’re out here behaving like this.” “I know, I know.” Lester shook his head, then held it with his paws to stop the room from spinning. “I’m sorry, Roy.” “It’s Lydia you owe an apology to,” Roy chastised. “For crying out loud, you’ve been married for three years now.” “You aren’t going to tell her, are you?” “That’s not my job.” Roy rose to his feet. “I’ve got to go open up the shop. How are you getting back home, anyway?” “I have a flight out. Six-fifteen. Seven-fifteen. I forget which.” “Check your ticket and let me know for sure. I’ll come back home for lunch and you can tell me then. I’ll close up early tonight and drive you to the airport. Do you need me to have Sarah come over and check on you?” “No, you don’t need to bother her. You’re a real friend, Roy. Sarah too.” “Only because nobody else will have you,” Roy chuckled and punched Lester’s shoulder. “Alright. Drink your coffee.” Roy picked up his car keys and headed for the door. “Be good. I’ll see you at lunch time.” + + + Roy stepped into the apartment and called out, “Lester, I’m home!” There was no reply. Roy checked the bedroom. The rodent’s suitcase was missing. Roy walked into the kitchen. Sitting on the table, next to a thoroughly chewed-up pencil, was a note: Roy, I managed to get my ticket changed to an earlier flight. Got my Lyddie and our kits waiting at home for me. Didn’t want to bother you so I am taking a cab to the airport. You’re the best friend I got. Sorry I didn’t get a chance to see Sarah Carrara. Tell her I said hi and you guys need to come visit again soon. Sorry about everything. Sorry about the pencil too. I’ll send you a box of them for your birthday. Lester. Roy held up the pencil and inspected it. He shook his head. “Leave it to Lester,” he said aloud.