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The Ballad of Phillip

Chapter 8: 1997-2006

I've decided to condense the next ten years of my life into one chapter because not a lot happened outside of my career. This book is meant to be about my personal life, not my albums, though I will mention them when relevant as I did with "My Heart is Dead." I started off 1997 by continuing to tour for that album. It was an amazing feeling to be the only one on stage and the audience having all their eyes on you. I had spent so many years in the background and now I was the star of the show. Because I only had two albums under my belt, I had to tour with other acts as part of a double-headliner event, which was fine to me. In terms of love life, I had none in 1997. I was slowly, but surely healing from Aaron and had no intentions of being in a relationship again.

I considered myself fully healed in 1998, which inspired me to create my third solo album entitled "Back to Normal." I made it the same way I made "My Heart is Dead" and made the entire record myself with little to no help from others. It had a much more positive tone, kind of like the first solo record I did back in '94. The album did exceptionally well, but I began to notice something. My fan base was divided. "My Heart is Dead" won me many fans, but my new fans wanted more dark, depressing music, which they did not get with my new album. My old fans on the other hand loved the new record because it was a "return to form." To this day my fans debate over whether my records should be upbeat or sad. Personally, I never want to make another "My Heart is Dead" even though it is the album that I am most remembered for. The tour for "Back to Normal" went great and now I was starting to be the main act, no longer was I forced to be packaged with other artists. I didn't mind being part of a double act, but doing a show where you are the main event is a freaking amazing feeling, it makes me feel confident in myself.

1999 was more touring, but I began to notice something, the return of an old desire. The desire for sex. I hadn't had sex since 1994 and once you know how good it feels, it's hard to go back to not having it. Problem was, I still didn't want a boyfriend. My heart had healed, but it was closed. I didn't want to let anyone in again. What was I to do? I wanted sex, but not a relationship. The obvious answer was a hook up, but that wasn't me. I never had casual sex, except for Roy, but that doesn't count since I never got to stick my dick in him. I wasn't like Eric, who had fucked every groupie who asked. Speaking of groupies, I didn't get much. During the '96 shows, it was all girls. Girls who had no clue I was gay. I told them no of course. In '97, I started to see more gay guys, but I wasn't up for sex and the same goes for the '98 shows. Once I felt the urge for sex again I decided to start considering accepting some of their offers.

There were four main types of groupies that I got: Straight girls that thought I was cute and just wanted to hang out, delusional straight girls that thought they were so good looking that they could "convert" me into a straight guy, gay guys who were way too forward, and shy gay guys who probably wanted to have sex with me, but lost the courage to do so when they met me face to face. None of these groups were what I wanted in a hook up. I did think about trying sex with a girl, but most of the ones that were up for sex were members of the second group. I think the strangest one was this wolf whose name I never found out. She just walked into my dressing room and shouted, "You need vagina in your life faggot, so take me now!"

"Um, no. Security!", I responded. Fortunately, security arrived promptly and escorted her out of the building.

The gay guys from group three could be pretty weird too. I think the weirdest was the guy who said to me, "fuck me senpai! Use me as your personal cum dump! Take me home, chain me up in your basement, and make me your sex slave!"

I called for security on that guy too. At least I had good conversations with groups one and four. We talked about music, movies, food, fun stuff like that. I'm still friends with some of them to this day. Still, I couldn't find anybody to have sex with. That is until one October night in Selinsford, Wolf Empire. After having to send away a couple of crazy people, I pretty much had no hope of finding anyone that night until I saw a cute wolf standing in front of the doorway. He had light grey fur with blue streaks here and there. He had an old t-shirt on from one of the The Travellers tours, I think it was from '92, and a pair of ripped jeans.

"Hi," he said, a little shy.

"Hello. Come on in", I said. I immediately thought he was going to be part of group four, so all I expected was a just a little conversation and nothing more.

"I'm Dennis", he said.

"Nice to meet you Dennis", I said.

We talked for a little while about various things like music, hobbies, etc. Then the conversation turned sexual at some point. We were talking about an old song I recorded called, "What I have in Mind", it's a song where I sing about making love with another man. I recorded it back when I was in the closet and never intended to release it, but after I came out someone at RKF leaked it onto the internet. I knew about the leak, but I didn't stop it since at that point I knew I was out, so no point in hiding it. Fans have asked me about it before and I usually just laugh about it. I did so with Dennis too, but his next question was something I didn't expect from such a shy wolf.

"Would you consider...having sex with me", he said, blushing like crazy.

I had heard this question from others, but usually they said it in a teasing, playful or sometimes creepy tone. Dennis had a more humble and sincere tone, which I liked. I seriously began to consider it. I had condoms and lube on hand should the night come when I finally found someone to fuck. He was very cute and sweet. Such a change from the bad boy Aaron.

"Yes", I finally said

"Oh thank you Phillip. I'm so glad to lose my virginity to you", he said.

"You're welcome. So what position would you like to be in?", I asked.

"Lying down on my stomach with my tail raised in the air", he said.

"Works for me", I said.

I led him over to the sofa bed I had in my dressing room and he started to strip. I watched as I began to see more of his beautiful grey and blue fur. When he took his pants off I noticed that a couple of the blue fur patches made an downward arrow. One was above his cock, the other was located above his tailhole. I smiled and said, "I see you have arrows pointing to your private parts."

"It's not intentional I swear. I was born like that", Dennis said. We both got a laugh out of that before I took my clothes off. I saw him watching, playing with his gorgeous cock and drooling a little as I stripped.

"You like what you see?", I said.

"Very much so", Dennis said. He then laid down on the bed and lifted his tail. My cock throbbed as I gazed at what I saw before me. A cute wolf laying down with his tailhole exposed, ready to get fucked for the first time. I put on a condom and some lube and positioned myself on top of him. I massaged his shoulders and said, "you might feel some discomfort since this is your first time. If it gets to be too painful, tell me to stop."

"Okay. I've heard the first time can be a little uncomfortable. I like the massage", Dennis said.

"Thanks, I want you to be relaxed. It'll make things easier", I said, continuing to massage him. He murred happily in response. After a couple minutes of this, I pushed my tip into his tight, virgin hole. I heard him yelp a little, but hearing him say, "yes" let me know that he wanted more, so slowly I pushed my cock into his tailhole. It was so tight and it felt so good. I slowly thrust in and out of him, making him groan a little. I asked if this was too much and he said, "no, keep going." And so I did, gently fucking him. The groans of pain soon became moans of pleasure. I dared not go hard and fast since he was a virgin, so I rode him slow and gentle. It was different from how I had sex with Aaron, but it felt nice. Nice to feel my cock being hugged by a nice, tight hole. I felt happier than I had in a long time. Dennis was even happier than I was, moaning loudly and shouting "yes! Yes!" I approached climax sooner than I had wanted to and when I came I let out a loud moan and a lot of cum. My orgasm that night was the most intense one I had in years.

"Sorry if I came too soon", I said, panting.

"It's fine Phillip. That was freaking amazing! It was uncomfortable at first, but then I got more used to it and it felt great", Dennis said panting too.

"Thanks. Did you cum too?", I asked, pulling out of him.

"Almost. Would you mind sucking me off?", he asked.

"Not at all. I would love to suck on your beautiful cock", I said.

Dennis blushed a little and rolled over, showing me his hard cock that was dripping with precum. I put a condom on him since we weren't boyfriends and blew him. I hadn't sucked cock in a long time and it felt so good to have his in my muzzle. I sucked eagerly, making him moan loudly. When he came he let a howl of delight.

"Thanks for making my fantasy come true", Dennis said.

"You've fantasized about me?", I asked, blushing.

"For years", he replied.

It's rather odd to hear that someone has been pawing off to you, but when I saw his smiling, blushing face I couldn't help but find it adorable instead of creepy. It was the middle of the night by this point, so I invited him to sleep here with me and get him a cab ride home in the morning or afternoon, whenever we woke up. He agreed and we slept together for the rest of the night. Before he left the next morning he gave me his phone number and said that we should get together the next time I was in the area. Since I had so much fun with him I agreed and we became friends with benefits.

For the next few years, I occasionally fucked other groupies if I found the right one and I was in the mood, but I always thought of Dennis. Sure, the other ones weren't virgins so I could go harder and faster on them, but Dennis was special. I think I was falling in love. I shocked myself as I realized this. I thought my heart was dead, but now I was starting to fall for someone again. Anytime I was in the area of Selinsford I called him up and we got together. Over the years we got more and more affectionate with each other. Kissing, cuddling, hugging, snuggling, all in addition to having sex. We told each other everything. We weren't boyfriends, but we were becoming best friends. We even called each other when I wasn't in the area just to talk. By 2006, my feelings had definitely grown into love, but I was afraid to tell him. We had a great friendship going on and I didn't want to ruin things by confessing my feelings. What really kept me from offering to be his boyfriend though was that I knew it wouldn't work out. We lived far apart from each other and he had a good life in Selinsford. He worked his way up to being the manager at a local music shop with hopes of becoming the owner someday. I didn't want to take him away from doing what he loved. Opening up a music shop in Fox Hollow would be a lot more difficult with so many competing stores. On the other paw, I didn't want to move to Selinsford since it was kind of a boring town and since the nearest RKF studio was in Densville 4 hours away that I means I would have to go back and forth between the two places, which would get very tiring after awhile. On top of that, I toured and he didn't, so he would have to spend many months alone waiting for me to come home. In short, I knew we would never work out despite my feelings for him.

While my friendship with Dennis grew, something else amazing happened. The Travellers were getting back together. In 2001, an independent filmmaker by the name of Claude Copperfur wanted to make a documentary about the band. He interviewed us each separately and combined the interviews with footage from our past concerts and music videos. It was fun talking about the band again. What struck me the most was when I watched Eric when the documentary aired on TV. It was during the part where he was asked how he felt about our breakup. I expected him to be cocky and arrogant as always, but instead he apologized.

"I want to let everyone know that I'm sorry. I'm sorry for being an asshole. My actions broke up the band and for that I apologize to my bandmates as well as our fans", Eric said.

I could tell he was sincere. It felt satisfying to hear him admit he was in the wrong. Not long after the documentary aired, all four of us met for the first time since 1996 at a cafe in Fox Hollow.

"So you really meant what you said?", Vlad asked.

"Yes. Every word of it", Eric said.

"I forgive you Eric", Vlad said. The two furs shook paws, astonishing Bob and I. I didn't believe those two would ever make up and yet they did.

"Want to reunite the band?", Eric asked.

"Sure, but what do we do about our current projects?", Vlad asked.

"How about this: we do the band part-time, but still have our solo stuff be our full -time job? I say this because while I would love working with you guys again, I don't want to give up my solo project", Eric said.

"I feel the same way about Ritchie. I don't want to stop working with him either", Vlad said.

"Won't our fans be dissappointed though if we don't do this full-time?", Bob said.

"My solo project keeps me sane. It lets me have all the control I want. I can't have that when I'm with the band", Eric said.

"I love working with Ritchie. I don't want to go back to the way things were in the '90s. We have our solo stuff now and we want to keep it", Vlad said.

"But I don't have anything like that. I've been a guest musician the past six years. Without this band I'm a nobody. Who cares about the drummer, right?", Bob said, tears forming in his eyes.

"Don't cry", I said, giving him a friendly hug.

"What am I supposed to do when the band is on break and you three are off doing your own things?", Bob said.

"You can join me. I could use a drummer", I said.

"But you don't have a drummer on your current albums. You don't need me", Bob said.

"That's because I didn't want to work with someone new, but I know you and would love to work with you again", I said.

"Really", Bob said, smiling.

"Yes", I said.

"Okay, so shall we agree to do the band part-time and still keep our current solo stuff?", Eric asked.

"Yes", Vlad, Bob, and myself replied.

We recorded a new record and toured for about a year. I had a ton of fun making the record, I hadn't enjoyed making a Travellers record this much since '92. The tour was fun as well with no backstage bitching or drama. It was 1992 all over again minus Aaron. We played Selinsford in 2003, so I called up Dennis. Unfortunately due to the high demand for our show he couldn't get tickets. I asked the venue to help him out, but in the end the best they could do was let him watch from backstage since the entire place was sold out and no one gave up their seats. The other guys were curious about Dennis, but I just said he was a friend. After the show, I invited him to my dressing room for some fun. Now you would think I would remember to lock the door after what happened back in 1991 right? Well, I forgot and as I was giving Dennis a good pounding, when Vlad barged in asking if I wanted something.

"Hey Phil, do you want some...oh", Vlad said blushing as he saw me and Dennis.

"Vlad, what the hell?," I said, embarrassed.

"Sorry, I figured since you aren't with you know who that I didn't need to knock anymore", Vlad said.

"Well you thought wrong and no I don't want anything. I got what I want right here", I said, grabbing Dennis' ass.

"I see", Vlad said, leaving the room.

The band went on break after the tour ended in December 2003. We went back to our solo projects before reuniting in 2007. We kept in touch though when we could. The experience made me think about the past again including Aaron. I had spent the past six years avoiding him, but now I was curious. If Eric could patch things up with The Travellers, could I patch things up with Aaron? I didn't feel ready to talk to him again, but I began buying his albums again and watching him give interviews on TV. I noticed something different about Aaron circa 2002-2006, he was more humble. The cocky, confident red fox I left in 1996 was replaced by a more humble and a more somber version that made songs about loss and regret. I knew these songs had to be about me and I felt...guilty. I had assumed that he had moved on from me, but he never did. He said in interviews that he didn't have any boyfriends and the only love songs on his albums were sad ones. He had happy songs too, but they weren't as happy as his old stuff from his first two solo records. In contrast, after "My Heart is Dead", my music was happier. I had gotten over Aaron, even though I was curious now to see how he was feeling. But something held me back from reaching out to him, the fear of being pulled back into a relationship with him. I didn't know if I wanted to get back together with him or not since he had hurt me so much in the past. So many times I was close to calling Aaron only to stop because I was afraid he would hurt me again. It was the 2006 Fox Empire Music Awards that I would see him in person for the first time in ten years. We were both nominated for Best Hard Rock Album and Best Hard Rock Song along with Tobias, the biggest asshole in Rock music history. This is a guy who beat up his fans for taking pictures on the wrong night and got into a fight with everyone he had ever worked with. Despite this, the critics loved him for his music. He won for Best Hard Rock Album and gave the most horrible acceptance speech I had ever heard.

"I would like to thank no one because I did this all by myself! Aaron has no talent and Phillip has even less talent. I don't get why people like him so much, he's just a purple faggot who cried about his ex and got famous because of it. You suck Phillip! Haha", Tobias said, laughing in a way that made him sound insane. When the audience heard "faggot" they started booing and chanting "Fuck you!" Tobias responded with "fuck you too!" as he was booed off the stage. My ears pinned down as I heard his words. I felt so humiliated I wanted to cry, but I forced myself to hold back tears and not run away. When I heard the name of the one who won Best Hard Rock Song, my heart skipped a beat.

"And the award for Best Hard Rock Song goes to...Aaron Conway", the MC said.

For the first time since 1996 I saw Aaron. He looked happy, so I expected a normal acceptance speech. I heard anything but.

"First off I would like to thank my family and friends for supporting me all these years. You guys are great! And Tobias, fuck you! Phillip does have talent and is a much better fur than you! He doesn't beat up his fans for one. I still love that man and I always will! Go fuck yourself Tobias, I'm out!", Aaron said leaving the stage. The audience cheered and I was speechless. What do I do now?