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If you are reading this, it is because you have a dream, fantasy, desire, or otherwise wish to be a wolf. The chances are very high that you do not understand why. For some reason unknown to you, the desire to have a different form sits in the back, and often the front, of your mind.

I believe my own experiences can answer the question of why some of you wish to be a wolf. I believe that my efforts to become a wolf; which began when I was eight years old, and have continued throughout the past 40 years without stop, my passion growing, rather than fading, as my life progressed; was born of a passion so intense and deep as to have been the major factor in my life's biggest decisions including career and where I lived. And so devoted was I to my efforts that I pursued this desire over all other considerations.

But the point here is not to tell you why you want to be a wolf. No, the point is to tell you why I want to be a wolf, and to see if perhaps your reasons might, or perhaps should, be the same as my own. So please bear that in mind. I am relating my most private thoughts that I have never completely shared with anyone, in the hopes that my observations about my own desires can help you understand your own; even if they are miles apart from my own reasons. Just the very exercise of reading this will set in motion a debate in your mind and allow you to explore those reasons.

Why?

The reason is simple: because if you really, truly want to become a wolf, there are some things you probably aren't aware of that you should - about wolves, about yourself, and most especially about the society which has, in all likelihood, provided that reason for your desire - as it provided mine.

This brings me to the second purpose of this essay: to help you understand what it really means to be a wolf. If my reasons do not seem to make sense, then perhaps with context of the nature of wolves, your own reasons will make sense.

But I must warn you, you may find out, in reading this, that you have misread your own desires, and do not actually wish to be a wolf. So please, be prepared for that possibility as well. But bear in mind, this is only an essay, only my own words, my own interpretation of my feelings.

And with regards to my descriptions of wolves, bear in mind my extensive experience with wolves. I have worked in wolf recovery since 1998, and worked physically with wolves for several years. I also spent a summer living near a pack of wild wolves in Idaho.

My own desire to be a wolf actually has its origins in my childhood, in the recognition that I was vastly different than everyone around me. As a young child, my father's violent streaks drove me to seek shelter with the family dog, which became my only friend as my older and younger brother took shelter with each other. It is from this difference that I became highly empathetic, where my brothers took after my mother and father become psychopaths just like my mother and father both were.

It is important to understand here that a psychopath can technically be considered to not even be human, considering that humans are defined by their social behavior, not their physical form. Humans are empathetic creatures. So are wolves. But a psychopath lacks empathy, and in being unable to understand the perspective of others due to this lack of empathy, a psychopath simply cannot consider anyone else's feelings or even their natural rights to exist unmolested and free. In that regard then, a normal human being is more like a wolf, due to its highly empathetic nature.

And I was a very strongly empathetic child in a home full of people wholly incapable of sensing the consequences of their actions on others, especially myself.

This drove me to question my own status as being of the same species as those around me. And that I was bullied in school as a child only served to reinforce this. The only things around me I identified with were dogs. And sensing that I was more like dogs, behaviorally, than the humans around me, instilled within me a sense that there was something different about me than everyone around me. Unaware that these people were not normal, complete humans, I began to feel that perhaps I wasn't myself human.

It is this feeling which grew into my eventual desire to manifest physically the feelings that I had about my true nature, based on the flawed observation that those around me whom I was nothing like were actually human. It would be 30 some odd years before I would realize, in what would become the first of my path towards awakening, that I was in fact human, and that others around me were not, and that human beings are very much like wolves.

Today, even with this understanding that my desire to be a wolf was related to my being human among inhuman people, I continue to seek a different form. Whether this is because I am still unable to separate myself from these non-humans in how I treat others, I'm not sure.

The one thing that did change is that I no longer seek to live among wolves. I had moved to Idaho after getting involved in wolf recovery for the purposes of seeking a degree to allow me to borrow money to buy a cattle ranch. I later decided to just open a non-profit and raise the money myself. Brain damage put a damper on all those plans and I spent my time trying to get help while still trying to help wolves. All of the work I continued to do in the field, politically, and even trying to organize furries and other wolf advocates proved fruitless, and I realized that wolves were beyond help and hope in North America. I left Idaho/Washington for California (a wolf from NW Oregon "followed me") having given up, temporarily, on the notion of becoming a wolf and living in the wilds of North America.

I eventually came to realize that survival of wolves and humanity took precedence over my desire to live as a wolf because I simply wouldn't have been able to survive in the long term as a wolf in the wilds. I foresaw the end of life in the northern hemisphere, and that I needed to do something about it. I settled on living on a ship; which has actually proven an ideal way to live as a wolf, as I will be truly free, and when I find others, we will be a true pack in ever sense except that we will live on the sea instead of in a forest. And while wolves do currently and have always lived in forests, this does not exclude them from other means of survival given circumstances that might dictate a different way of solving their basic needs.

Perhaps by now you have already developed a sense of whether or not your reasons for wanting to be a wolf are similar to my own. But this essay is only half complete. We must now explore the nature of wolves and the parallel to human nature, true human nature. In doing so, perhaps understanding the nature of wolves and thus the true nature of humans will help you understand your own desires.

Wolves are credited by scientists, a relatively recent revelation, with having taught human empathy, and thus how to be human, from our observations of and interactions with wolves early in our development. And from a developmental standpoint of the species, this makes perfect sense. You see, language cannot develop unless there is empathy. We'll discuss the means by which wolves communicate later, but for ourselves, we could not have developed language without first learning empathy. And to learn language there had to be a reason.

Initially, human beings were solitary creatures, roaming about on their own, hunting, and even gathering what they could find to eat. At some point, likely before we were even the furless Homo sapiens we are today, we witnessed wolves hunting as a pack, cooperating and bringing down game far larger than the wolves could on their own, and even that we could.

But we had not developed language at that point, as we had no need. We did not live in communities, did not cooperate in hunting, and thus had no reason for verbal communication. But to cooperate in hunting game, nearly our sole focus in life at that stage in our development as a species, required communication. And this required langauge. And to develop language we had to remain in close proximity to each together and attempt to convey our thoughts to each other. And lacking a prepared language we could sit down and learn, we had to develop a means by which to convey our thoughts in a way we could each understand, and for that, we had to peer into each others' minds, and monitor each others' body language and expressions as feedback to determine if our thoughts were understood.

Thus was born empathy among humans. But it is a skill that must be learned, passed on from caring parents to their children. But if that skill is not acquired, one becomes a psychopath, and is thus unable to pass the skill to offspring, and a vicious cycle begins where an entire family can become psychopaths, as was the case with my family.

So, if we learned our human nature from wolves, what exactly is this nature?

Love, in a word.

But technically, it is merely an expansion of one's perspective beyond one's self. It is a matter of seeing others as you see yourself, seeing yourself and others you depend upon and care for as being a part of you and yourself a part of them. It also coincides with the scope of your intimate relationships, those relationships that by definition are trusted, that is, where all within the relationship can completely trust each other in every way; something I'm afraid most of you have never actually experienced.

You see, wolves are not single creatures. A wolf is defined by its presence in a pack. A wolf then is not an individual, but a member of a family group which scientists have long called a "pack."

A pack of wolves is not simply a bunch of wolves who get together to hunt together for convenience. A pack of wolves is literally a family; with most packs consisting of mother and father and offspring, with the occasional outsider added to the family in the form of a family member who voluntarily (or otherwise) leaves the family group to find another; a natural instinct which protects the genetic integrity of the species by preventing undue concentration of genes, also known as inbreeding.

When wolves hunt, they do not communicate verbally or even visually. Wolves act as a single being, their very thoughts connected through a means we do not yet fully understand. Despite a lack of verbal or visible communication, wolves are able to coordinate their actions perfectly and are able to bring down prey weighing even more than all of those involved in the hunt combined.

So all throughout my life, my desire to be a wolf was nothing more than a desire to return to a natural human existence, and to isolate myself, in my mind, from those around me who were not what could be considered human beings. And in my case, this desire was tied to sexual desire. I mean, why the hell would I want to have sex with creatures that weren't the same species as myself? And why should I lust after the human body when my status as a human in physical form was obviously in serious question in my mind. My identity as a wolf actually cemented, by sheer coincidence, while I underwent puberty. While I was sexually aware long before, as evidenced by having my face bit severely after fondling a female german shepherd when I was eight years old; my sexual desires towards canines and specifically my being a wolf in physical form, became a strong and all-consuming desire.

Perhaps you now understand your own desires, perhaps not. But now we must explore what being a wolf means, what being human means, from someone who has achieved a level of humanity you have never even imagined, and who believes he may have achieved a level of being a wolf you had never thought to consider.

For the past two years, I have physically lived outside of the United States of America. I had long since divested from the culture, what aspects of it I had even adopted. And it is very important to understand what this means.

You see, the world you were born into and is the only world you have ever known, is completely artificial and by coincidence, is a world developed by psychopaths. The world you live in is not human in any way shape or form. You have been changed from a human being, into a mindless zombie, for lack of a better term. An entire half of your brain does not function, and it is the half of your brain where your humanity, your wolf if you will, resides. It is the half of the brain that I was able to develop and maintain through my isolation from humans and especially their educational institutions. And it is a world where your status as a slave must be constantly maintained.

But there is good news, if your desire to become a wolf is true and not simply a desire to look like a wolf to be popular among your acquaintances. Simply extracting yourself from the influence will allow you to develop your human, your lupine characteristics.

The bad news then is, for those of you who wish to be a wolf in appearance only and for the purposes of impressing those around you, it is simply not possible.

That's right, if you want to be a wolf, you must first become human, a part of nature. And that means removing yourself from the sphere of influence of the society of which you are a part. In short, you must either isolate yourself from, or leave society.

Look around you. Does anything about the society of which you are a part seem like anything a wolf would partake in or participate in? How many wolves play video games out there in the wilds when they aren't hunting? How many read the news or philosophy, or even science fiction or fantasy? How many watch television? And what do you eat versus what wolves eat? And are you a part of a pack, or on your own, perhaps sharing mutual needs with others in a loveless relationship that is about mutual or one-sided exploitation, rather than cooperation and intimate trust?

If you do not live like a wolf, how can you expect to be a wolf, especially in light of the fact that a wolf is not a wolf without a pack?

Here is where you test your resolve. Try the following, and see if you truly desire to become a wolf. If just reading through it frightens or otherwise turns you away, you are no wolf but rather a selfish man seeking only to impress others with your physical traits that you think they would be impressed by. But if reading through this causes you both fear as well as a strong desire to follow through with the recommendations, then perhaps your desires are well founded, perhaps there is a wolf within you.

Here is what I recommend you do, in order to see if your desires to be a wolf are real.

First is to eliminate all media influence. Isolate yourself from television and movies, video games, fictional or philosophical books or anything that conveys opinion rather than fact (you are thus encouraged to read books about wolves bearing in mind that they are opinion based on observation). Change your diet to eliminate anything but meat (take a multivitamin though, you cook your food, wolves don't, and the blood and flesh has vitamins that we destroy in cooking.) But don't eat raw meat, as you don't have the immune system of a wolf and cannot protect yourself from parasites and other microbes present in raw meat. And while you are preparing for a week in the woods, take walks and otherwise isolate yourself from people and immerse yourself in nature as often as you can.

You will want to work towards taking a break from society via trip to a forest, national park, or ideally a formal Wilderness where you can be free of other human beings. You will want to prepare meat to bring with you and cook while you are in the woods, but otherwise bring the minimum. If you can, plan your trip for warm weather so you can run about completely nude. But do not bring anything with you of man's society. Of course you'll likely want to have a phone in case of emergency, but leave it in the car and hide the keys somewhere safe (not on, in, or under the car!) nearby.

Spend a full week this way. If you can do this and continue to have a strong desire to be a wolf, and if that desire grows while you are immersed in nature, then you will know that your desire to be a wolf is true.

If you truly wish to be a wolf, you may just become one...even if not physically. You may choose to remain in the woods, or to return after you have found another who wishes the same as you (hint, search for this document and find those who also favorite it.)

Now, as to becoming a wolf physically, there are some things you must be aware of. A wolf is not defined by its fur, muzzle, paws and pawpads, sheath, knot, ears, tail, etc. A wolf is defined by its interaction with the environment. For example, if you suddenly had the genes of a wolf in place of your own human genes, you would not suddenly or even eventually change into a wolf. You would however gain the ability to react to your environment as a wolf does. You may be able to grow fur of sorts when the weather caused your genes to express the mechanisms by which a downy coat grows - assuming you have the physical cells to produce such hair. You would develop the immune response and same food allergies/sensitivities as a wolf. And you would even be fertile sexually as a wolf. But you would not grow a muzzle, teeth, paws, pawpads, tail, etc. This is because of how genes and development work. Determination, that aspect of early development where cells are programmed to be what they are for the rest of our lives, only takes place during our intial development, primarily in the womb.

And while I do believe it is entirely possible to alter your genes to be more canine, translating those genes into physical traits is another story altogether.

Genetic transduction and transformation are documented phenomena. DNA and RNA from other species can make its way into our body and even transform us. Heart disease, arthritis, chrone's disease, and other autoimmune disorders (including lupus ironically) are almost certainly the result of this phenomenon of alteration of your very genetics, even if only on a local level. I also happen to believe I have succeed within myself, as evidenced by my acquiring allergies to all "foods" except meat.

But if one has wolf or canine genes, can they ever be translated into physical aspects?

Perhaps on their own, over time, yes, to a very limited extent and only with regards to aspects of our body form which are not permanent. So with wolf genes in place of your human genes, its entirely your body hair would become guard hair like a wolf's, that your nails might grow thicker and longer, and that some skin injuries would grow fur similar to a wolf's.

But to actually change your form physically, to grow a tail, alter your bones, change your eye color; requires development, and that goes into the realm of stem cells and determination on a genetic level wherein your genes express as they did in your initial development. Is this possible? Of course, we just don't know how just yet...though I have some ideas and have been experimenting.

As to how to get that DNA within you, well...that's up to you to figure out. I did so myself, and have been exposing myself to the ideal form (whole, single strands) for some 22 years off and on. I believe, but have not confirmed, that my immune and digestive systems are altered to reflect wolf characteristics, especially as I cannot eat anything but meat, and no other explanation makes as much sense.

Obviously, becoming a wolf, for real, requires a lifetime committment. This is not a fetish for me folks. This is not a passing fantasy. This is who I am. And while I may not appear to be so to you, I am comfortable in knowing that indeed, I am a wolf; albeit an incomplete wolf as I lack a pack to belong to.

I imagine that most of you who have read this are left in a state of confusion or disbelief or anything other than wonder and amazement at the possiblities. That's okay. It just means your desire to be a wolf is not as strong and all-consuming as it could be.

But for those who are moved by this essay, I encourage you to go with your instincts based on this new information.

Go be a wolf!

Update: I just read a news story a couple days ago wherein scientists have been able to alter living cells to their immature state. This would allow for physical transformation, given the proper formulation of DNA within the cells as differentiation can take place and this would actually allow for physical alteration of cells and thus body form.