guilty
#6 of A winter wonderland
Journal of Mark Robertson
In sleep we may at least hope for a few hours of rest, though at times we may dream wondrous dreams, or relive pleasant days of our past. Sometimes however, we are beset by dark and terrible visions. This is what I have experienced this night. After parting from Winter after our first night together, I made it to my studio just on opening time. The day went pretty much as usual, though I was a tad preoccupied at not my usual self. I ate a light dinner, showered and went to bed early, to catch up on lost sleep. So far, nothing too out of the ordinary.
At some point in my slumber, my subconsciousness decided to torment me. I found myself in a church, and I realised with shock that it was the church I attended as a boy! Awestruck, and wondering if this was real or not, I made my way to the side altar, dedicated to Mary. It was bathed in bright sunlight, streaming in through the etched glass window depicting Mary, arms out ready to receive penitents in a loving embrace, as only the mother of God could.
I knelt before the altar, bowed my head and crossed myself.
'Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee; blessed art thou amongst women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of death. Amen' I prayed softly, gazing fervently at the oak statue of the Holy mother.
'What do I do?' I pleaded with her, hoping for an answer
It was then that I noticed the confessional light was on, indicating that a priest was ready to hear confession. Seeing that no one was around, I walked over, and entered the little room.
The priest greeted me and I recognized his voice at once. It was Father McNamara! Which was strange, as last I heard he had retired from active ministry owing to ill-health from age related illness. But I was elated, Father McNamara was a paragon of a priest. Unfailing in his ministry, he championed the causes of the sick and destitute, fought for harsher punishment, both religious and secular of abusive priests and was unfailingly kind and generous but never lax in his doctrine. He would surely be an understanding ear to pour my troubles into!
'Forgive me Father for I have sinned, it has been nearly three years since my last confession. In that time I have committed a multitude of sins, mostly venial, but I have let them pile up with little or no attempt to curb them.' I began, planning on easing into the real reason I had entered the confessional.
'We all have our daily struggles, the constant temptation to falter in the little things, that we may lose our sensibility of sin. We cannot always resist these minor temptations, but we must try. It is through these minor sins that we are led into mortal danger.' Came the reply, so very like the ones I had heard many a time before.
'Yes Father. That's why I am here. I know you may not believe me, but for these past few years, I have been in a world so very unlike our own. The people there - well they're ponies, sapient ponies! They talk, have buildings and have a social order! And in time I came to like it there, and the people. And God help me I eventually began to be physically attracted to them!'
'So you had lustful thoughts about these "ponies" then?' Father asked me, in a tone no more inquisitive than had I mentioned lustful thoughts for Human women.
'Yes Father, but that is just the beginning. I recently fell in love with one. Her name is Winter Wonder, she's smart, funny, a talented artist and I freely admit it, beautiful. I know it's probably against all laws of God and Man, but if loving her is a sin, then I'm guilty. I'm guilty of much more too, because we made love recently. I love Winter, God help me I do! But we aren't married, and she's not even a Human! Father, what do I do? I feel so conflicted. I love her, but I can't help but feel it was wrong somehow!' I exclaimed, despair creeping into my voice.
'My son, you know this relationship is a gross distortion of the sexual faculty, don't you? As much as you may love this "Winter" your relationship goes against Church teaching. I urge you to break it off with her.' he said, gravely which threw me off, because it was so unlike him
'But Father I love her! I can't leave her, it would break her heart and destroy me! I won't do it!' I protested, tears welling from my eyes.
'Then I must refuse you absolution, and declare you to be excommunicated! Degenerate!'
I stood up, startled, his voice had become my own, but full of hatred and anger!
With a trembling arm, I pulled back the dividing curtain and to my horror, instead of kindly old Father McNamara, it was me! I sat there dressed as a priest, staring at myself with a face of utmost loathing. In a blind panic, I fled the confessional. I ran through a church that was now a place of shadow, out into a street bathed in the light of a full moon.
'God no! This can't be happening! No, no, no! I cried, slumping to the ground, letting my emotions pour out. It was then that she appeared - Princess Luna. With a bright flash that pierced through my eyelids, she stood before me.
'Calm yourself Mark, all is well. This is but a dream.' She said, soothingly.
'A - a dream?' I asked, standing up.
'Yes, just a dream, none of this is real.'
'But it felt so real, as if I had arrived back in my own world. I even wondered if Equestria was the dream, and this reality.'
'That is the power of dreams, to confront us with our innermost thoughts as if it were real life.' Luna replied sagely.
'Not in my world. Dreams are just dreams, they don't mean anything!'
'But you are not in your world.' she replied gently
'I guess not. So what was that about?' I asked, pointing at the church.
'From what I saw, you are greatly conflicted over your affections for Winter Wonder. You love her dearly yet you struggle to put aside your old life and its rules.'
'I -. But I thought I had put that behind me! I thought I had accepted that there was no way home. I mean goodness knows you and your sister tried - Twilight too, and she's a genius! I made a life for myself here, and I even accepted that I could fall in love with a mare.'
'So why then this dream? This is your home town is it not? A place you still yearn for?'
'How, how do you know this?' I blurted out, incredulous.
'As Princess of the night, it is my duty to watch over ponies as they sleep, and help them through situations such as this. I have watched you too - from time to time - and you have dreamt often of this place.'
This was true, many times I have relived my youth swinging on the swing-set in the playground as a boy and riding through the park as a teen were the most common dreams.
'I can't deny that I still miss my own world, but there's no point in dwelling on it. Hoping and wishing I could go back isn't going to change anything. It's best just to knuckle down and concentrate on my life here.'
'Mark, if you run from your feelings they will only grow and grow. Eventually they will overtake you. You have to be honest, both to yourself and to Winter. Pretending everything is fine will only cause heartache.'
'But Winter loves me so much, and I don't want to hurt her feelings by admitting that I still want to go home where I can marry a Human woman and raise a family with her. I'm supposed to love Winter, not be pining after some hypothetical Human woman.' I replied helplessly
'Tell me which do you think will hurt more, you telling her of your feelings now, in a gentle, sincere manner. Or them bursting forth in a heated argument, years from now, when neither of you are happy in your relationship?'
I paused, I had never thought of it that way, always believing I had the self mastery to patiently bare any unhappiness in life. But I realised that the latter scenario would be devastating to the both of us.
'I guess the first option is the best one, but it will be so hard.'
'The most important things in life are often hard. But we must face them head on. I am sure Winter will understand, just be honest.' Luna assured me.
'Thank you Princess, I'll try.' I replied nervously.
And that is when I woke up with a start, chest heaving and covered in sweat. The sun was but a faint glow on the horizon, and I decided to shower and shave before writing this down. My next mission, should I choose to accept it - is to write to Winter, asking her to visit me.
Author's Note:
The next chapter is going to be interesting! It will be told from Winter's POV! I hope you enjoy! It may take a while, because I'm more used to being inside Marks head, and because Winter is a girl, which I am not.