Ander - Part 6: Subchapter 133
133
Dan was right. You are running.
Nilia tried to still the voice inside her head. It used to be so simple, but ever since she met Mateo it was becoming increasingly hard to do, and this place wasn't making it any easier.
The tent was filled to bursting with injured Wolves, far more than when she was last here, and even then it had been packed. They were lying on beds far too small for them, so they either had to curl up or let their feet dangle over the edge. There were Wolves lying on the ground, too, between the beds and even underneath. Every inch of available space was being used, leaving only this narrow little path for her to walk down, carefully stepping over legs and tails.
Wolves stared at her as she passed them by, their heads moving in unison like a bunch of sunflowers on a summer's day. It took a second for her to realise it was because she looked even worse than some of them did.
Her clothes were torn. There was blood in her hair and on her shoulders. The scratch in her right forearm was killing her, but seeing Bethany was out of the question, so she hurried along, keeping her head down. She didn't have time to stand around. Ander had asked her to bring Dorin to safety, and she had done that. Now all that remained was to check on Hezzi, and then she could go back to where she was really needed.
Fine. Run away like a coward. Run through the snow instead of the rain, just like you did when you were a girl.
By the Cora, what was she supposed to have said? 'I'm so sorry Bethany, but your daughter has been kidnapped by the same Wolf who singlehandedly eviscerated half a dozen Foxes less than hour ago, and if I'm to be perfectly frank, there's a good chance that she's met the same fate by now, or possibly even worse'?
The old Nilia would have stated the facts of the situation without a second thought. The old Nilia would have done her job without any consideration for anyone's feelings. The old Nilia would have been on her way to help Ander by now. The old Nilia had a heart of stone.
The old Nilia was also a scared little girl who was too afraid to allow herself to feel any emotion at all, lest it tear her apart.
You mean like it's tearing you apart right now?
Nilia rubbed her temples, feeling the first, dull throbbing of a headache coming on. She's never felt anything like this. Being pushed and pulled in so many different directions all at once. The changes inside herself were too abrupt for her to keep track. There were too many ups and downs, too many victories and defeats, too many hopes and despairs all rolling around in her head at any given time, so many she didn't even know what she was supposed to be feeling, so many that all she wanted to do was forget about it all and get on with what she was supposed to be getting on with, but she couldn't.
She passed the twins, lying on their adjacent beds, wearing bloody bandages around their throats like collars. She expected the more lecherous of the two (she knew his name was Nicholas, but she couldn't tell which was which) to make some kind of lewd remark, but they were both unconscious. Seeing them just lying there felt wrong, somehow. Wrong to the point that she actually hoped one of them would sit up and try to grab her tail again. She'd even be so kind as to not break his nose this time.
Nilia swallowed the sting in the back of her throat and kept going, trying not to catch the eyes of the injured.
Hisagi, sitting propped up against the side of the tent with her arm in a sling. Nekwa, staring down at his frostbitten hands, wrapped up in strips of cloth the same shade of green as Bethany's dress. Krin, shivering in the cold, a whole row of stitches starting at the nape of his neck and winding its way up to his forehead. Maevo, moaning in pain with his eyes squeezed shut, bare patches of skin showing through in his chest where Bethany or Layla had cauterized his stab wounds.
All of these Wolves would have been dead if she had had her way. Dead and buried beneath a mountain of snow. Did they deserve it or not? And who was she to pass such a judgement over so many, or even just one? It was too much to think about.
It was Ander and Mateo who had convinced her that they were worth saving, that they deserved a second chance, that it was okay to make new footprints in the snow, to allow them to make footprints for themselves.
First they were her people. Then they were her enemies. But now... now she didn't even know. She felt fragmented, just like her tribe. Too many different shards all pointed in different directions, each one of them as sharp as a blade, ready to draw blood at the slightest touch. Some of them were little more than wild animals, howling at the moon and prowling the night, looking for any living piece of flesh to bite into, regardless of whether it belonged to Wolf or Fox, their hunger insatiable, uncontrollable, all consuming. Some of them had transformed into unlikely protectors, a shield against the madness, putting their lives on the line to protect the ones who had saved them, who had given them that second chance they didn't truly deserve, and they knew it. Some of them were right here, following her progress down the path with dull, dying eyes, their heads wrapped in bandages, their fingers and toes lost to the cold, their limbs broken and their flesh cleaved down to the bone. Where did they fit in? How was she supposed to feel about them? If they weren't hurt, where would they be? Would they be running around with blood dripping from their teeth and claws, ripping through tents and throwing burning logs through the air? Or would they be part of that impossible ring, a wall of flesh instead of wood? Was she surrounded by friends or enemies? Tribesmen or strangers? What were they seeing as they stared at her with those tired, bloodshot eyes? Did they see her as Nilia, or did they simply see a traitor who had looked down at them from the safety of a wall as they disappeared in a flood of snow?
How was she supposed to feel? Angry at the animals who had fallen back on their primal hunger after being given such a precious shot at a new beginning? Happy that not all of them had stayed like that, that some of them had changed, had become different? Sad for these who couldn't stand anymore, who couldn't run or fight or draw a bow or even sit up without help?
Nilia simply didn't know. Maybe she wasn't supposed to know. Maybe all that truly mattered right now was to do what she came here to do, and worry about the rest later.
Ander had asked her to make sure that Hezzi was okay, so that was what she would do. After that... well, after that it was back into the frozen hell, where inner thoughts and feelings and emotional outbursts like these could easily get her killed. It was better to bury them now, while she still had time. She wished she could talk to Mateo for a little bit, but... conversations with him sometimes had a way of making her feel even more emotional than before.
And that was when she spotted Rufio. His face was badly swollen on both sides. She could tell even through the layers of bandages, each one applied with such intimate care. The contraption he sometimes puffed on was lying beside his pillow, broken into pieces. Unlike the twins, however, she was glad he was unconscious. She was glad he couldn't hear the screams or smell the bitter stench of blood on the wind.
Please stay asleep, Rufio, she prayed.Please don't wake up until we can bring your daughter back...
She took a haggard breath and wiped her nose across the back of her hand. So much for burying her emotions while she still had the chance.
You have to hurry, the voice insisted. Ander won't wait for you.
Hezzi was just a few beds down the line, and although she knew she couldn't afford to waste even a single second, she couldn't move. It was as if her heart needed a moment to catch up with the rest of her. Just looking at the shape he made beneath the blankets was enough to drive a frozen stake through her insides, making her feel cold and nauseous at the same time.
Hezzi...
His neck and shoulder were heavily bandaged. A large spot of dried blood had seeped through the layers and hardened into a crust that was almost black. Renna was down on her knees, holding his bloody scarf between her hands as if in prayer, but no words left her lips, and her eyes were wide open, staring down at him as he slept, as if to take inventory of each and every slow, drawn out breath. Mellah was right behind her, a hand on her shoulder to show her support. Aisa, meanwhile, hovered in the background, chewing her claws down to stubs. She jumped a little at Nilia's approach, her eyes red and swollen. "Nilia?"
She was just about to answer when Mellah looked up sharply. "Nilia? What are you doing here? Where is Sorrin?"
Not this again...
"I came back ahead of the others. Sorrin is probably still in the woods, with the Foxes."
"Did you kill the monster?"
Nilia hesitated only a moment. "The hunt is still on." It wasn't a lie, but it wasn't the full truth, either. She felt like absolute scum, but another truth to consider was that the full truth wouldn't benefit any of these people in any way, and if word of her daughter's fate got back to Bethany, there was no telling what might happen. No pros, only cons.
Mellah nodded as if this didn't surprise her. "So you came back to help with the defence. I'm surprised you even knew we were in trouble, what with this awful storm."
Nilia quickly tried to think of an explanation for that, but Mellah had already turned her head and was staring at the thick canvas walls of the tent, rippling in the wind. "This might sound strange," she said, "but as awful as it is, I am eternally grateful for this blizzard. It's like a wall of snow and shadow around the village. If it wasn't for this storm, there'd be nothing to stop the Wolves from charging right down the main road."
Thank you for giving me yet another thing to worry about, Mellah, Nilia thought and made her way to the other side of the bed. Renna hadn't looked up even once in all this time. "Renna? Are you doing okay?"
She nodded slowly. "Bethany-Kai and Layla come to check on him often. Every time, they tell me he's doing okay."
"I asked if _you_were doing okay."
She looked up sharply. "If Hezzi's doing okay, then I'm doing okay. And if any of those bastards even think of coming in here, I'll toss 'em out, ass over tail!"
Nilia smiled, in spite of herself. "That sounds a lot like something Hezzi would say."
She nodded vigorously, scrunching up her face at the same time to keep from bursting into tears. "He's always trying so hard. It would be wrong if I didn't do the same."
All right. You checked on him, just like Ander asked of you. He's fine, or at least as fine as he can possibly be with a hole in his neck. It's time to go.
Nilia started to move, but she couldn't bring herself to step away from his bedside. It just didn't feel right. There was... something else. Something she needed to do.
"Do you mind if I talk to him for a little while?" she asked, dropping down to one knee. "You can stay right there. I won't be long."
Renna nodded again, more reservedly this time, and wiped at her glistening eyes. "I talk to him, too. I keep expecting him to roll over and grumble something like, 'Can't you see I'm trying to sleep here?'" She laughed a little. "It's just so weird, seeing him like this. I know he's asleep, but I've seen him sleeping, and this isn't how he sleeps. When he sleeps for real, his mouth is always wide open, and there's always this icky wet patch on his pillow. He rolls around so much that he ends up wrapping himself in his blankets like a giant cocoon. Sometimes he snores a little, but he never believes me when I tell him that. Sometimes he scratches his face. Sometimes he sits up all the way, like he's just woken up, but his eyes are still closed, and then he just lies back down and goes right back to sleep again, snoring like a greyfur. Isn't that funny?"
The world was going blurry in Nilia's eyes, turning the glow of the fire into a scattering of golden shards, shrinking and elongating every time she blinked. "Yeah," she said, not bothering to hold back her tears. Not for this. "That is funny."
Renna sat back a little and looked down at Hezzi's scarf, at the bloody slits cut into the wool, one for every time he had wrapped it around his neck. Mellah gave her shoulder a little squeeze, just to remind her that she wasn't alone. Aisa turned away completely, her claws chewed down to the bloody wick, perhaps remembering all the times she had chased Hezzi away from their tent, or all the times she had slapped Renna for taking food from their larder to share with him. This was a she-wolf who did not know what to do or how to act or what to believe anymore. A she-wolf who would have died if not for the screams and bleeding fingers of the little girl she once threw out into the snow.
Feelings like shards of glass, cutting in every direction.
Nilia swallowed the lump in her throat, took Hezzi by the hand, and began. "Hey, Hezzi." She had to stop to take a breath after that, already feeling the weight of every decision that had lead them up this moment. "I'm... I'm sorry I wasn't here when you got hurt. And I'm sorry I have to leave you again so soon. But your brother needs me, and I'm sure that, if you could, you'd probably tell me to stop lollygagging around the place and get going already. And I will. I will. But before I go... there's something I want to tell you. Maybe you can't hear me right now, but I'm going to say it anyway, because -"
Because I might not come back.
"- because you've become like a little brother to me, too. Training you how to fight, teaching you about strengths and weaknesses, those were some of the happiest hours I ever spent in that tribe. I wish they could have happened under different circumstances, but because I sparred with you so many times, I've come to know you, and I've come to know how ridiculously strong you can be once you focus that scatterbrain of yours. That's how I know you'll not be beaten by a tiny little scratch like this. Hell, I've done worse to you myself, so you'd better pull out of this. Renna needs you. Any fool can see how much she loves you. Your brother needs you. He's got enough hang-ups going through that thick skull of his, and you're one of the few Wolves who can give him a good kick in the rear when he really needs it. But most of all, I need you. I need you to wake up so I can ruffle your hair and scold you for scaring me so badly. I need you to wake up so I can tell you how much I care about you." She took off her bear claw necklace, her promise to be strong, and slipped it around his neck.
Whatever strength is left in that claw, whatever hope, whatever love, I pass it on to you.
She leaned in close and kissed him on the cheek. "You're my family, you hyperactive little fluffball, and I didn't carry you through that mountain just so you can expire from one tiny little stab wound, so you'd better get up. And once you're back on your feet, we'll do some more sparring, okay? Clearly, your stance still needs a lot of work."
Nilia stepped away, her hand automatically rising up to grasp at her necklace, but, of course, it was no longer there. It was resting against Hezzi's chest, rising and falling ever so slightly in time with his breathing. Nilia did not feel sad as her fingers closed over empty air, nor did she feel that something was missing. Instead, it felt like her promise was even greater than before. A promise to stay strong, no longer contained inside one small claw, but part of a living, breathing Wolf.
Her little brother.
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