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I didn't see Adrian at work today. By itself that's not too strange, he could have arrived later than I did and just missed me during work hours by chance, but given the tension between us it leaves me nervous when I leave at the end of the day.

When I reach our meeting spot he isn't there. I hope it's nothing more than him being late, but I left him hanging yesterday so why shouldn't he do the same to me? I order my usual and by the time I'm finished drinking my coffee I know there's no way he's coming. I can't blame him, considering the circumstances.

I take out my phone and hover over Adrian's name in the contacts, poised to call, but something stops me. I don't know if calling him right now would help make things better or would end up with us fighting all over again. I don't want that to happen. I call Eve instead as I walk home. Thank fuck it's Friday at the very least. Small mercies.

"Hiya."

"Hi Eve, you alright?"

"I'm good wolf boy, how come you're calling, other than to listen to my lovely voice that is?"

"I need another reason?" I ask. She laughs.

"Of course not, but something's bothering you." After that she puts on an over-the-top vibrato that brings to mind a poorly acted ghost. "There's nothing you can hide from me."

"That's a little creepy Eve."

"It's true though," she states contentedly. I would happily argue if she wasn't so right.

"Well, you got me. I was calling to ask if you got around to talking to Adrian. He didn't come to our meeting spot today and, to be honest, I'm not sure he even turned up for work."

"Hmm," she's caught off guard for once. She knows me better than I do, but she doesn't have quite the same level of intuition on Adrian. "Well, I visited him yesterday evening. He wasn't picking up his phone so I thought I'd bring myself directly to the source. He was happy to give me some time when I got there though. He seemed okay to me, I eventually steered the conversation around and let him know that you aren't interested him. I promise it was more subtle than that sounded. I can't say the news made him happy, but he didn't look like he took it too hard and we parted ways amicably." I can almost hear her shrugging. "Maybe he just wanted a day to sulk so he called in sick."

"I hope you're right. I'll leave him some space for now then and talk to him on Monday. Thanks for everything Eve, you're the best."

"And don't you forget it." She commands. "If I have time, I'll get in touch with him again soon." Soon enough we're off the phone and I'm home.

Tomorrow I have a date with Ryan and on Sunday I'll be meeting Marty again, he text me more info earlier but an exact time and place are still very much TBD. I'm a little excited and a lot anxious to get the weekend over and done with.

Finally, with Eve's help, I've narrowed my love square back into an infinitely more deal-with-able triangle. If all goes well I might turn that into a standard one-on-one situation by Monday. That's the hope at least.

*

Adrian's on my mind all morning and I can't shake him off. Damn fox. I should have had something planned to distract me while I wait around to meet Ryan. As it is I end up playing video games all morning, alternating between being anxious about my first proper date with Ryan and being a different kind of anxious about the whole Adrian situation. He's my best friend, it doesn't feel right that I haven't talked to him in days.

As the afternoon approaches I get further contact from Marty. He says to meet him at his apartment tomorrow in the afternoon before the final showing of their play. It's the same time slot as today's date and it won't be an issue for me. Marty says Ryan will be out at a thing with the other actors but the otter would rather see me.

I find the sentiment sweet, but I would go out an a limb and guess the real reason is that he doesn't get along so well with the other actors, otherwise it seems like an oddly avoidable scheduling conflict. Doesn't matter either way to me though. I let him know I can make it, inwardly a little disappointed that we're staying in and not going out, but that probably means he wants to fool around and who am I to say no?

The distraction of Marty's texts only lasts a few minutes and then I'm left to my anxious thoughts all over again. It strikes me that I have no idea what I'm doing. Then again, I'm not sure I ever have.

I think I almost end up calling Adrian on about five separate occasions before it's finally time to go and meet Ryan. Thankfully my waiting isn't as painful as it could have been, seeing as we're meeting earlier than usual for dinner to accommodate for the showing of his play.

I dress as smart as I can, I don't know the venue personally but it had a fancy name and I don't want to look like I've just stumbled in off the street after a rowdy night. I wear a plain white shirt, a black tie and a smart jacket alongside straight black pants. I stare at myself in the mirror for a full minute wondering whether I look handsome or horrific. I can't decide.

In a last minute fit of worry I look the restaurant up online to make sure it's not some super casual chain or a down to earth family owned spectacular, but thankfully my assumption was right and my getup shouldn't look insanely out of place.

I catch a cab there and it feels like I'm leaving the car before I even get in it. Ryan and I are certainly not strangers at this point, I mean I've fucked the guy multiple times by now so that excuse is buried, but for some reason I still feel a fluttering in my stomach as I tell the waiter the name for my reservation.

Ryan's lost in another world as I'm escorted over to him, his eyes fixated on the tablecloth, but it does nothing to diminish the singular sense of beauty that has emanated from him since the moment I first lay eyes on that tail of his.

He's wearing a lavender suit jacket with a dark blue tie and a lighter blue shirt. The quality of the suit is breathtaking and it looks like he was born to wear the thing, as if it were some fantastic luxury piece - that people like us could only dream of affording - which had been tailored to his every curve and dimension. It occurs to me that Ryan may be making more bank than I had previously thought at whatever he does when he's not acting. I make a mental note to ask him about his day job, wolves that are good boyfriend material know stuff like their partner's day job.

As I approach, he looks up to greet me and flashes me that gorgeous, mischievous smile of his. It disarms me at once and I remember how this whole damn thing started all over again. That hypnotic tail, those swaying hips... I can see him naked beneath me, I can remember how he felt. I want to feel it again.

I'm staring.

"You're staring," he says as I sit down.

I'm still staring.

"I just can't get over how good you look today."

His smile cracks from mischievous into plain old joyous and it's a wonder to behold.

"Better with or without the clothes?" He asks, knowing the company too polite to comment.

"I've got x-ray vision," I say tapping my forehead. "It's all the same to me."

We order drinks.

For some reason I half expected ice breaking and small talk, but by now I should have known that Ryan is not one to conform to expectations.

"You know, I've had years dealing with one night stands and being a friend-with-benefits and now I think I'm finally seeing the pull of a more concrete, committed relationship." He speaks the words as though he were discussing the weather. "This is the first 'proper' date I've been on in quite some time."

"Well I'm honored that I'm the one you chose to take it with. I'm in a similar situation, I guess we're really starting to feel the years pile on." I say with a sincere smile.

"Well, I'm glad I'm on your short list," he says as a new element filters over his features. It's something I hadn't seen on the husky before now: distaste. As if something about the words he spat out made him feel a little ill. It's not like I didn't catch his implication.

I'm caught off guard, as I always am around him. He watches as I struggle to form a response and he chuckles darkly.

"Sorry," I settle with saying uselessly, ears down and embarrassed.

"What for? I live with Marty, of course we talk about these things. You would have known that already."

"Well, that's true, but I'm sorry that I never brought it up with you directly. That was insensitive of me."

"You just thought I'd be fine with it since I'm such a slut?" He asks, his tone of voice telling me that he's only giving me a hard time, but the look in his eyes suggesting something more. "And then what about your faggy fox friend? I saw the way he looks at you and the way you fucked him."

This really wasn't what I was expecting out of today.

"It's not like that, Adrian knows that I'm not after him, the sex was just a heat of the moment thing anyway. Plus you and Marty are pretty comfy too."

He snaps to attention and it's almost as though he's woken up from a trance.

"Of course, wolfy, I'm just playing around with you." He mimes a roar and winks at me as the waiter comes back. The return to his usual silly, easy-going self leaves me calmer and the teasing, I have to admit, leaves me a little harder. The drinks arrive and for the next few minutes we sip at them and decide on what to eat. I order the cheapest thing that I'd be happy digesting in the knowledge that thiswhole thing is on my meager wallet.

We're back to our intense talk by the time we've ordered.

"How come you're thinking about settling down with one guy then wolfy?" He asks plainly, clearly wondering if there was any more to my anemic explanation. "Or were you looking to have both of us?"

"No, no, it's not that. I promise."

He shoots me sideways glance that asks: are you sure about that wolfy?

"I know, I know," is what his muzzle says in contradiction. "I was only joking. So what's your real answer?"

As somebody who rarely understands themselves it's not an easy question to think about.

"I can't say for certain." I shrug. "It's partly because I'm getting older, partly because I met this amazing, unpredictable husky and partly something else that I can't put a finger on. To be honest, I was never all too into that hookup lifestyle in the first place, Adrian was the primary reason I even ended up in clubs and bars most of the time. It was fun, but whenever I slept with a guy I liked I was that loser who was sad they didn't leave a number or never called back." Ryan nods, ears swiveled towards me, attentive and listening, for some unknown reason genuinely caring. "When you actually texted me after our night together, I'll admit I was pretty excited. I didn't know if you were looking for a relationship or just more quick fun, but it was a start. Anyway, you've got me wondering, what's your reason?"

A frown appears and disappears on Ryan's face. I see his tail flick by behind him then stop moving.

"A couple things. The sex has been fun, obviously, but it was difficult for me. Can I tell you a story?" He asks. I nod. "I used to have threesomes with a couple friends of mine, the two of them were boyfriends in an open relationship, Charlie and Mint. I ended up moving away with Marty so all that came to an abrupt end. Since then I tried the single, hookup lifestyle but it quickly started to feel hollow." His muzzle moves again, but he holds back the words and it's obvious there's more to the story than the jumble of half-connected ideas he's told me so far.

I'm about to urge him on when I realize something off about what he just told me.

"Wait, you said just now that you moved here with Marty. You told me before that you met him in this city when you were cast in a play here together a few years ago."

"Oh, did I say that?" He taps a finger on his forehead and stares into space. "I remember now. It was a lie of convenience, nothing more. We met in a drama club in my hometown and I ended up moving away with him."

It's obvious that he's not giving me all the details, but there's a lot to take in so I start with the easy target.

"Does that mean you come from a different state?"

"I come from a different country. I'm Canadian."

The damn husky.

Every time I meet him he goes and leaves me speechless.

"Why lie about that?" I ask, baffled.

"Why do anything? I love acting and it was a fun bit of practice playing about with you like that."

"Another act like that fight with Marty on our first night."

He nods. "Like that."

"But, hold on. You don't sound Canadian."

"And how exactly do you think Canadian's sound? We aren't all 'eh's and 'aboot's you know?"

He's thrown so many surprises my way that I'm beginning to expect the unexpected. At this point I wouldn't be too fazed if he told me that he was actually a horse and not a husky, although that would take quite some explaining.

"How do I know you're not lying to me again. I may be gullible, but at least I know I'm gullible."

"Ah, yes, that is the one problem with all those facades. Hold on a minute," he pulls out his phone and fiddles around with it for a while. "What was you surname again?"

"I don't think I ever told you, my full name is Kale Wool."

"Wool? That surname doesn't sound right on a wolf."

"Don't blame me," I protest. He laughs and then fiddles on his phone for a few more seconds.

"Check your FurBook, I've added you."

"I'm glad to see our relationship has gone up a level," I say finding the app on my phone. "But I'll let you know now that I'm one of those people who barely ever uses the thing."

"I could tell by the fact that you and Adrian look a good three years younger in your profile picture."

"Hey, we don't look that much different now do we?" I ask defensively. Instead of responding he laughs. "Anyway, why am I accepting your friend request on FurBook, Mr. Ryan Sky, in the middle of our date?"

"Go on my profile, look at my info and friends and my older pictures. I haven't touched any electronics since I got here and I hope you'll believe I'm not psycho enough to go through a huge amount of trouble just to convince you that I'm from Canada. If you look through all that you should be convinced that I am indeed a Canadian."

A warmth spreads through me as he speaks and, instead of doing what he says, I put my phone away.

"It really matters to you that I believe you doesn't it?"

He rubs the back of his neck and avoids my gaze.

"Look, I just don't want you to think I'm one big ball of lies. From now on I want to be real with you. I don't want to ruin whatever there is between the two of us."

"Then I believe you."

"You're not even going to look?"

"No Ryan, I seriously believe you. Then again, I'll probably go on later for all those fabulous photos of a certain sexy husky. Good fap fuel, right?"

He laughs and thanks me. After a few more moments he says:"I'm sorry for all the deception by the way, it wasn't fair of me. Anyway, we got a bit off topic there. What was it that we were talking about?"

"You were telling me why you might be looking to settle down."

"That's right," he says, an odd sort of frown taking over his features. "Last week I went to visit one of those friends I mentioned for a night, Charlie. He lives in the States too now. I wish I could have seen Mint as well but they split up last year, there was all sorts of drama surrounding it. Their open relationship was starting to put strain on the two of them. They ended up breaking up and Mint moved in with his new boyfriend, who was a guy the two of them were sleeping with from time to time as part of their relationship."

"Jeez, that's rough. That's not how all open relationships go though, some people seem to really enjoy it and it can work perfectly for them."

He raises his brow and looks at me. "Are you saying that's what you're looking for? Is that why you're seeing both me and Marty?" His tone is hard to read, I can't tell how serious he's being. To avoid disaster I take him at his word.

"No, no. It's not my kind of thing. I find the idea of going on two different dates with different people confusing, let alone the idea of an open relationship and all the complications and hazards that go with it. I'll be honest, I couldn't handle it and even if I could I wouldn't want it. All I meant was that it works for some people."

"You're right," he relents, nodding. "But seeing their relationship fall apart wasn't pleasant at all. I kept thinking to myself, what if I was that guy that Mint moved out with? What if I was the homewrecker? I remember Mint flirting with me a little too much when I used to fool around with the two of them, maybe if I never met Marty then that's where I'd be right now."

I take in the information and hesitantly lay a paw palm-up in the center of the table. He takes hold of it gently and I squeeze just enough to steal a grin from him.

"That must be tough to live with," I say. I bet it's in his mind all the time whenever he visits Charlie. I bet it plagues at him and gnaws him. The unpredictable, sexy husky has his own issues too, of course he does, but somehow learning about them is comforting. Not because of his pain, but because it makes the whole idea of him more tangible to me. "If that was the trigger and they split up a year ago, then why did it take you this long to keep up with one of your lays?"

"One of my lays?" He scoffs. "Well, maybe it just took that long to find the right person."

Now he's the one squeezing my paw. At first the compliment warms me, and then I second guess it. The husky is a good actor, and for all I like about him, he's a proven liar. I have a feeling that there's something going on that he isn't telling me.

"Come on, I'm not so special. There has to be more to the story."

"Okay wolfy, you're learning." There's a sense of pride in his eyes alongside a hint of fear. Or, maybe It's just the lighting at the restaurant. "You're not the only one I've tried a relationship with since then, but I hope you'll be the one I stick to."

I find half a truth in his words and struggle to locate the rest of it.

"How many others have their been?" I risk asking. He draws his paw away from mine and I begin to regret the question.

"One," he says. "And for now, that's all I want to say about it."

Fair enough. I raise my paws and shrug.

"Not another word out of me on the subject, I swear."

He glares at me for a moment then slowly growls out the words: "good wolf."

I can feel the fur on my tail stand on its end as a shiver runs through me. Wow, I'm easy. Or maybe he's just that good. If I'm going to be honest it's probably a bit of both.

"Thank you," I say politely, as if he had complimented me on my shirt or something equally as frivolous.

"Well, enough of that. We're on a date so we should get to know each other better don't you think? Tell me about you, what does Kale Wool get up to on a day to day basis?"

It's a much needed break from the more serious topics and it allows me to relax and sip at my drink while I remind him about my job and tell him about my little daily rituals. I mention meeting Adrian after work most days, I tell him a bit about my other best friend - Eve - and my usual weekend fare which is either clubbing, hanging out with friends or being a lazy bastard and playing video games or watching TV.

"Basically," I surmise. "I'm pretty boring and I don't know what you, Marty or Adrian see in me." I say it with a toothy grin and a sense of self-awareness but I sort of, kind of actually mean it.

Ryan pretends to think, cupping his chin between both paws. Then he feigns a eureka moment and clicks his fingers.

"I've got it. You're missing two things. One is that you're that rare person who combines being a real sweetheart with a sense of confidence and adventurousness. The second is that you're really fucking hot."

I almost spit out my mouthful of wine at the last part. I can feel my tail wagging but this isn't the time or the place so I do my best to calm it.

"Thank you, but come on. I have very little fashion sense, I don't put as much effort into my appearance as I should. I don't even really eat that well or do much exercise."

"That's the worst part. You're a bona fide lucky fucker born with natural dashing good looks."

I'm not sure how to respond so I finish the rest of my glass of wine as my tail disobeys me and wags vigorously behind me.

"Well my looks can't compare to yours," I assert finally. "I couldn't keep my eyes off you from the moment I saw you."

"The moment you saw me, or saw my ass?"

"Well, it was your tail actually."

"You have a tail fetish?" He asks with narrowed eyes.

"No, well, no, I mean. What I'm trying to say is that your tail caught me eye, and that lead to me seeing the rest of you, which was every bit as good."

"So you have a tail fetish." He states as if he was repeating what I just said. As I squirm to form a response he laughs and waves my words away. "I'm joking." He says with a wink which only further confuses his meaning. "But something was bugging me that you said earlier. You mentioned you'd sorted things out with Adrian, that you let him know you weren't into him. Is everything okay between you two? I mean you're best friends right, it's got to be a bit awkward."

"He'll get over it, he's a strong fox and he's been through much worse in his time than a rejection. Besides, if there's anybody the two of us should be worried might get with Adrian it's you. The two of you really seemed to hit it off at that little, uh, house party of yours this past week."

"Oh, that? That was just sex. We would not work as a couple, we're both attention grabbing fags who want all the dick to ourselves." He says, his words layered with a healthy dose of exaggeration, self-deprecation and honesty.

"He told me he topped you, I was a little surprised if I'm honest."

"It just means I'm the bigger queen." Ryan laughs at his own comment and shakes his head. "He seemed eager actually, maybe he's sick of always having to bottom for you."

"Come on. That was the third time me and Adrian had ever done it."

"Sure."

"I'm being serious."

Ryan just rolls his eyes.

"Okay wolfy. I won't ask you about that, you don't ask me about my thing."

I'm never going to win the argument so I match his eye rolling instead.

"Hey, you should tell me a bit about your day-to-day since I told you about mine," I say, suddenly wondering where our food is, then remembering this place is too fancy for a quick turnaround. I feel the pull to go out for a smoke break, but I think the better of it. It's not exactly a romantic thing to do mid-conversation. "This is our first real date after all, like you said."

"Let's see. I act, I practice acting, I have sex with hot guys. Although if this works out for us I might have to turn that plural into a singular. Uh, what else. I hang out with Marty. I don't really have close friends around here apart from Marty and a few of the people I act with, and even then they aren't the kind of friends you can go and hang out with very often. Hmm, I guess I read quite a lot. I do all those boring normal things that people do like watching the occasional movie or TV series. Apart from that, well, sometimes I just sit around lost in my worries."

"That doesn't sound like you." I comment, suspecting another trick.

"I'm trying to do that lying-less thing, remember?"

I try to take in his words and force them to sink in rather than bouncing back. Everybody has their worries and woes, Ryan is no different.

"What do you worry about?"

His expression falters, not as though he didn't expect the question but rather that it's a painful one regardless of whether he'd braced himself.

"Everything," he whispers so softly that I almost miss it. The comment blocks out the rest of the world and once again I find myself in a void of only me and him. Every strand of fur, every contortion of his muscles, every little thing about the way he sits becomes silhouetted in darkness making it all so obvious and apparent. He's gorgeous, yes, and I know he's lied to me about a lot of things, but he's being honest right now. It's in the way he sits, how his paws are placed on top of one another with the fingers interlaced and squeezing together. It's in the fear in his eyes.

I'm so entranced that I don't notice the food arriving until he's saying something about how good it looks. I snap out of my fugue and agree, then all conversation devolves into complimenting the food between bites. It's damn good, so at least I won't feel robbed of my money at the end of the night. It's nice to simply sit and enjoy myself with Ryan, although the more I learn about him the more curious I become. He's far more than the boisterous, sexy, mischievous husky I took him for at first.

As I'm finishing up my food it dawns on me that I still don't know what his day job is. I ask him and he makes a funny face.

"Well, that is, uh, well." He pauses. As usual, it's not what I expected. "You're seeing Marty tomorrow aren't you?"

"Yeah, but what does that have to do with it?"

"Ask me again after you've seen him." He states gingerly, self-aware that it's not much of an answer.

My head is swimming, I have no idea what to make of it.

"Uh, okay then. I will."

There's an awkward silence between us and I'm not sure how best to break it. Soon enough our plates are being taken away and I ask for the check.

"Hey, I've had a really nice time with you today. It was great to get to know you a little better Kale." Ryan says, wearing a smile that I'm having a hard time deciding on whether it's false or genuine.

"Same to you Ryan, its been lovely." For some reason my brain decides that now is the right time to hit me with just how exceedingly awkward it is that I'm going on a date with the guy he lives with tomorrow. I would like to tell him that I'll cancel that date and that I want to be with him. I would like to know for sure that the smile he's putting on is a real one. I would like that, but that's not the situation I'm in. Eve was right, as usual. I need to see Marty again before make any drastic decisions. Right now though, it's clear to me that something's bugging Ryan and If I don't ask I may never know. "Is there something on your mind?"

"It's not important," he says, speaking directly to the table. "It's just about you meeting up with Marty tomorrow."

"I know, it's awkward. I'm honestly sorry for not having a proper conversation with you about it before today. I feel like a bastard."

"It's not that," he says waving away the words. "It's not like we're technically boyfriends yet anyway." I like the way he says 'yet' and I have the sudden urge to lean forward and kiss him, but given the circumstances I think it might be inappropriate. "It's just that, well, how do I put this... Uh, this kind of dating thing, meeting up with you like that, it's not like Marty."

I wonder if he's jealous, or scared that Marty might pull me away from him. I wonder if this is another lie to twist things and get what he wants. I wonder if maybe he's telling me something important and true.

"What do you mean by that?" I ask, he struggles to find a response and I remember something Adrian had confided in me a few days ago. I hesitate, it was meant to be a secret after all, but there's something about it that doesn't add up. "I hope this doesn't come as a surprise to you, but Adrian mentioned to me that he had a talk with Marty. Marty told him that he was into you. After that the next thing I knew the otter was coming on to me. Is it something to do with that."

Ryan pauses, nods and then shrugs.

"Yeah, maybe, I'm not sure. All I'll say is that Marty has been trying to make it work with me seriously for quite some time. He may have made it sound all hush hush, but that's just him putting a dramatic spin on things." He stops, and considers his next words. The check is left on the table for me to deal with, I cringe when I see how much this is costing me, but there are more important things on my mind right now. "Let me put it this way, our relationship is a little complicated."

"So, what exactly are you telling me?"

"I don't know. Just, how should I put it? Take what he says with a grain of salt. Does he seem genuine in his interest in you?"

I remember the kisses and his confession on that drunken, high night.

"Definitely."

"He's a very good actor." Says Ryan flatly, and the words hit an unpleasant chord inside of me. "Better than I've ever been."

"Life isn't a play Ryan, come on."

"Not to you, Kale." He says. "That's part of what I like so much about you. You're surrounded by people who put on a facade all day and you're just, well, you're just you. It's nice to meet somebody who's so bad at lying."

"If he's faking it, then why couldn't you be?" I try and fail to hide the annoyance creeping into my tone.

Another shrug from the husky.

"Good point. I'm not saying he's faking it. I'm just saying... fuck it, I don't know what I'm saying. Sorry I should have never brought it up."

Maybe I made a mistake getting involved with these two. my head hurts just thinking about them and I'm starting to harbor a suspicion that I'm just a play toy in their own lover's quarrel. Then I remember Marty's perfect muzzle and Ryan's perfect ass. Then I remember Ryan's disarming honesty and how fun it can be to be around him and I think about how chill and suave Marty can be and I stop worrying so much. There may be a mini minefield between the two of them, but I'm a grown wolf now and I can manage it. I'll keep Ryan's words in mind tomorrow, but I'll make my own judgment at the end of the day.

"No it's fine, you needed to get it off your chest."

I pay the bill and we leave the restaurant. At the door Ryan gives me a quick kiss on the nose and I can't help a tingle of excitement from flowing through me.

"We should meet again soon wolfy, this weekend is our last set of performances so I'll have way more free time after. If you don't settle on Mr. Otter as your new boyfriend by the time Monday rolls around then get in touch and we can meet after work one night."

"Sounds great to me," I say. A compulsion hits me and I reach out to take his paw between mine. "I don't want this to be the last time I see you, whatever happens, so I'll get in touch either way if you don't mind."

One last smile from Ryan.

"Okay. I'm looking forward to it. He gently takes his paw from mine. "I really need to get going now, I can't be late for the performance."

We're outside by now and we have to go opposite directions to get where we're going, so this is where we part ways.

"Of course, I hope it goes great. Break a leg," I say, then hesitate. "It always feels strange saying that."

Ryan laughs and says, "Don't worry it's the right thing to say. See you around then wolfy."

"See you around husky."

And with that he twists on the spot and walks off with his tail wagging in time to the silent rhythm of the club music that was playing when we first met. I can't pull my eyes away, so I don't, until he turns a corner and leaves my field of view. That damn husky.

*

When I get home I get to thinking.

Ryan is hot and smart and intrigues me to no end. If these were normal circumstances I would be ecstatic at the idea of going out with him, even in these circumstances I still am, sort of. Unfortunately there's a wrench in the works with Marty and his magnificent muzzle of many wonders. And then there's Adrian.

It's only been a couple days and I'm already getting the classic symptoms of fox-withdrawl. I feel an urge and need to talk to him and see him and gossip with him about Ryan and Marty. I want my best friend back and I'm scared to hell that I might never get him. If all goes as planned he'll be back at work on Monday and we'll be back on speaking terms, but that doesn't mean our dynamic will be the same. Maybe he'll be less interested in talking to me if I've got a steady boyfriend, if I'm romantically unavailable to him, if I have another guy in my life. Maybe the scars of my rejection won't scrub off so easily. He told me that whatever happened between us he would still be there for me, and I believe him, but being there for me when I desperately need him and being my best friend day in and day out are two different things. Thinking about Adrian makes me feel awful so I stop.

And then I start again and I want to call him. I manage to stop myself but it isn't easy. Just tonight and tomorrow and then I can see my fox again. It's not going to be easy but I was right when I said Adrian has been through worse than a silly little rejection from a dumb wolf like me. We can make it through this. Fuck it, we _will_make it through this. And what's more we'll still be the fabulous fuzzy friendship duo we always have been.

I believe my own rhetoric just about enough to calm my nerves. I feel a little out-of-time as the clock hits eight. Normally after a dinner date I wouldn't be home so early, but Ryan's schedule demanded it.

There's an unpleasant buzzing in my gut that won't go away, so I think of Eve again. I wonder if she gets annoyed by all my calls and questions but I dismiss the thought quickly. She loves my gossip and she loves helping me out. I think she sees me as something of a personal project sometimes. Hell, I don't mind, I need some working on.

I decide I'll call her in a couple hours so that she doesn't get the satisfaction of thinking that I would call her to gossip the moment I get home. Just because she would be right about it doesn't mean I have to let her know.

The idea of lazing around and doing nothing doesn't appeal to me at the moment with my overactive mind, so I do some much needed cleaning around the apartment and sort out my laundry and all that other stuff I never do as often as I should. I stare at myself in the mirror for a while, remembering Ryan's comment about my good looks, but all I see is a slightly unkempt wolf staring back at me. I shrug in my lonesome and go back to my cleaning. Maybe it's impossible to accurately assess your own appearance, you become so used to yourself that making a judgment is useless. That or he was lying again. Either way the comment makes me feel a little better about myself.

By the time I've actually finished my self-imposed chores to a decent standard it's getting pretty late. I really need to clean up around here more often, but living alone it's so tempting to keep on putting it off for another day. I decide it's a good time to call Eve or I might risk her going to sleep for an early night.

It takes a few more rings than usual for her to pick up.

"How's my best buddy doing?" She asks excitedly into her phone. There's a half beat, not long enough for me to respond, where she seems to remember the situation. "Oh my god, how did your date go?"

"Wait, wait, wait, slow down. Evelyn?"

"Yes, wolf boy?"

"Are you drunk?" I ask, grinning like mad.

"Well, um, now that you mention it I think I am." I laugh down the phone and she makes some noises of protest. "Hey, hey, come on. It's not like I've never been drunk before. I'm a grown woman. I don't need a woofer telling me off over the phone."

"I'm not telling you off, it's just funny to hear you this way after so long. We never just go out and drink anymore do we? I kind of miss those days."

"They were good days," she says, surprisingly somberly.

"Anyway, what was the occasion for tonight's big drink up?" I ask, quietly glad that Eve has enough going on that I don't have to worry about my own life for a little while.

"You're never going to believe this," she slurs.

"Try me."

"I got a date!" She exclaims. There are a few seconds of silence and then she dejectedly adds, "I told you you weren't going to believe me."

"Are you kidding? I was speechless, that's awesome Eve! Jeez, how long has it been since the last one? This is the best news I've had all week. What's he like? Or she for that matter, we're an accepting lot over here. Tell me everything hon. Are they the one? It's too early to ask that isn't it? See, I told you that holiday would do you some good, you were beaming when you got back and now you're even coming out of your shell a little. Fuck, I'm so happy for you." Eve is just giggling into the microphone and it sounds so cute and cheerful that I can barely contain myself. "Okay, okay, let's slow down. Tell me everything, and start from the beginning."

"From the beginning?"

"Yeah, from where love first bloomed," I say in a dreamy, singsong voice.

"From where love first bloomed," she repeats. Her speech is suddenly distant and distracted in that way that drunk people often sound when sleepy. "Kale... " She starts in a noticeably more downbeat tone. She sounds lost when she says the word. My stomach takes a jump off a cliff and I'm suddenly worried. "There are a lot of things I haven't told you."

There's a pause and then she seems to realize what she just said and she starts to mumble 'I shouldn't have said that' over and over again in a distant whisper. I don't know what to say or do. I'm closer to Eve than anybody, except maybe Adrian, what does she mean there are a lot of things she hasn't told me? I hope that this is the drink speaking and not her. And then I realize it probably isthe drink speaking, but that doesn't mean it's not her. It only means she wouldn't say it before.

"No," I urge her gently, sitting down on my bed and listening intently. "I'm glad you said it. You're like family to me Eve, if there are things you need to tell me, then tell me."

"Why did you have to hear me mumble?" She asks, and in my mind's eye I can see her scrunching her eyes and trying to concentrate in the same way I remember her doing when we got drunk off our asses on those distant college nights. "Kale, I shouldn't have said that, please forget it. You've got enough on your plate."

From ecstatic to terrified in ten seconds flat. I wipe my free paw down my face. Why is this happening?

But I can't show weakness. Eve is there for me every single time, no exceptions. I need to be here for her too.

"Eve, listen to me. You need to talk to me. I love you like a sister, you know that right?"

"All too well," she says, sounding more sober than she actually is. The words sting and I can only hope the resentment in her voice isn't aimed at me.

I've always thought Eve was the most composed, well-put-together person I knew. I'm starting to doubt myself.

"Talk to me Eve, come on. One minute you're all excited about your date and now this. Tell me what's going on."

There's a silence as she takes a few seconds to organize her thoughts well enough to form a semi-coherent response.

"You asked me about the date, and then you said to start from the beginning. From where love bloomed. That took me further back than you wanted."

"You're talking in riddles, take it slow. What do you mean?"

"It's stupid. It's fucking stupid. I stopped caring about it years ago, but when I talked to Adrian today..."

"What happened?"

"Too much. It's about now and its about this week and earlier and earlier still. You know the other day when you came to visit me and we were remembering about that time we slept together?"

"Yeah." I say, the strings in my heart playing an erratic song. Oh god, I can think of a few different reasons why she might bring that up and I don't want any of them to be true.

"You said to me that if I was a guy, you never would have left me."

"Yeah."

"Did you mean it?"

I work entirely off intuition.

"I would have at least tried to make it work."

And then she snaps, and she's crying down the phone, and oh god. How is this even possible?

Why does love bring so much despair into the world? It doesn't make any sense.

Hearing her raw pain brings me close to the edge of tears myself, but I refuse to let them fall. I have to stay strong for her.

All this time my two best friends... and I didn't know a damn thing. Ryan is right about a lot of things. I'm bad at lying, I'm bad at spotting liars, and I've successfully surrounded myself with people putting on an act for me, a facade, and I hadn't even realized it. I said so confidently to him that life isn't a play. Those words are crumbling now.

"Sorry. I'm so sorry. I had to ask. When I talked to Adrian today I could hear his heartbreak. My mind went back in time and I thought about how I lost you. I was over it. I was finally fucking over it and then... That comment you made, it was just a small thing, a joke really. I got it, but inside it hurt." she speaks through sobs and it's painful, heart-wrenching even, to listen to. "When I talked to Adrian, I could hear myself in him and all this locked away emotion came flooding back."

"Eve, I can't imagine what that feels like. You have nothing to be sorry for. I'm the one who should be sorry," I'm lost for words. I have to be here for her. I have to. I can't break.

"Why does my sex have to decide who I can and cannot fall in love with?"

The question slips past my defenses as though they were never there.

It's a question a lot of people ask for a lot of different reasons. It's part of why queer people are so scared to admit who they are. I've asked the question too. We're supposed to be one particular way, so when we realize we are something different it's scary. With Eve the context is different but the core meaning of the question, the pining for emotional connection in a disconnected world, is still very much the same.

"I-"

"It's an awful question. Don't answer it. By asking that to you I'm no better than a homophobe."

"God, don't even say that Eve. That's not true. I know what you meant when you said it. I just wish I had the answer."

How has this been eating away at her all this time, all these years, and I've completely failed to notice it? I feel like an unwitting participant in a reality TV series where everybody else has been given a script and I've been stranded here out of place, out of context.

"I was wrong to ask it. That's how the world is. Neither of us can change it."

My paw is shaking and I desperately want to give in and join Eve in her wet-eyed despair, but I can't. I can't. She has been there for me every time. Every damn time.

"Eve, I sincerely wish that anybody could love anybody and sexuality didn't have to come into it. Unfortunately for both of us, you're right. That's how the world is. But no matter what happens, I'm here for you. I always will be."

"I should have told you when you came to see me. I should have told you weeks ago before I went on holiday. Fuck it, I should have told you years ago."

I really wish she did. In my mind I jump back in time and replay those weeks after we made love. All that pain she had to suffer because of me. But no. I can't put that weight on my shoulders. That's how the world is. I can't wallow in pity or I'll succumb to it.

"Don't blame yourself Eve. There are no easy answers to something like this."

For a while she just cries down the phone and I listen, laying down now, face in a pillow.

"I'm sorry that I never told you."

"You told me now, and that's what matters." I pause, then add, "I don't know how you do it, you've always been so composed and caring and helpful around me. Even after I made that comment the other day."

"I'm a much better liar than you think Kale," she states. Her voice is a lot more her own now, but the effects of the alcohol have not worn out completely.

"It seems that's true for pretty much everyone I care about." I say without thinking. "Forget it, I've had a strange week."

Both of my best friends wanted to date me. I don't know how to take that. It's going to take a while to sink in.

"Look, I'm drunk and overreacting." She sniffs and I realize that her sobs stopped a little while ago. "I'm over you, you're my best friend, you know? It was just a momentary thing. I was drunk, you asked me to start from when love first bloomed... I just wasn't thinking straight. Sorry about all that. What hurts most isn't that I can't have you, it's that I never told you until now." She pauses to think. I give her time and don't speak up. "I've been in a weird spot lately. I had a lot of thinking time on holiday and I've been alone for so long, and I talk to you almost every day... When I'm feeling lonely it can be hard to be around you, but at the same time I want nothing more than to talk to you, to spend time with you. It's a vicious cycle. But, I'll be fine. I'm picking my life up."

"I've been such an idiot. How could I have had no idea about this for so long? I should have been there for you. I fucked up Eve."

"It's not your fault Kale. You only see what others want you to see, and I was hiding this from you." Her voice has calmed down, her observations are more analytical than emotional. I hope she's feeling a little better and this isn't her putting emotional barricades back up. I'm starting to get paranoid. "But, there was an upside to it all."

"What do you mean?"

"Look at it this way, if I didn't feel like wallowing in self pity and past failures I might not have felt like going out drinking tonight. I'm glad I went, it gave me space and helped me unwind enough to find myself again. It even lead to me asking somebody out."

"Eve. As long as you don't turn your drinking into a bad habit, I'm really happy for you. And I'm impressed you're the one who did the asking."

"Why do you think I needed to get drunk first?"

I laugh, and the joy I felt earlier of hearing about Eve's date returns to me, at least in part. There's still something nagging at me though.

"Before you tell me the rest, and I do want to hear it, you said there are a lot of things you haven't told me. Does that go beyond your feelings for me?"

Hesitation.

"One step at a time wolf boy."

First Ryan, now Eve. Secrets upon secrets.

An indescribable bittersweet sensation hits me hard. I'm glad that she's being more open, but I'll freely admit that I'm scared there's a whole other side to Eve that I didn't even know existed.

"Okay Eve, but I'm gonna keep you to that. We have to keep taking those steps."

"Okay, we will." Another hesitation. "I'll tell you one more thing today too."

"Good," I say. Internally, feelings of happiness and fear mingle at her words. "What is it?"

"It's no big deal, I just thought you might like to know. I've been writing poetry every day for over a month now."

"Hey, that's awesome, you actually went for it. I told you it would be a good idea. Why didn't you tell me earlier? This is a positive thing Eve."

"Well, it's a little embarrassing, I'm not very good at it at the moment either. Plus I don't think the subject matter would be to your liking."

A million different possibilities fly through my mind.

"What's the subject matter?"

"One step at a time wolf boy."

"Fair enough," I say, somewhat relieved. "Okay, anyway, tell me about your hot date."

I close my eyes and relax as she tells me about this sweet wolf guy she met called Jay, they hit it off at the bar and she ended up asking him out and now they have a date set during the week. I interject that I hope she didn't drive home from the bar. She says she didn't even take the car there, she isn't that stupid. We laugh and I feel comfortable again. Afterwards she tells me more about Jay. She says he was a little shy, but gentle, kind and intelligent. She tells me about his job and his hobbies.

"I mean, you never know how things are gonna work out, but I'm looking forward to the date." She concludes.

"I'm really happy for you Eve, but be warned, you deserve the best in life so if I meet him and he isn't treating you right then he'll have to go."

She laughs, close to sober now, and I'm smiling again. My emotions are muddied and confused by this point, but I'm very glad to be ending things on a positive note with her.

"Actually, I don't want you to meet him. With how things are going for you at the moment you'll turn him on sight and then I'll walk in on you two rutting in my bedroom five minutes later."

"Anything's possible," I say, laughing. "But hey, I might be on the monogamy plan too pretty soon."

"That won't stop the world lusting after you, and how are you going to turn down a blowjob?"

"Look, I may be silly and gullible and blind to almost everything going on around me, but I have principles."

"You're not wrong wolf boy, you're not wrong."

"Hey, if things go well with you two then he'll start being your wolf boy, right?"

"You'll always be my wolf boy Kale, he might be my wolf man though."

"I am an adult you know."

"Only in body," she says. We both laugh. I'm so happy to have the Eve I know and love back. No, she never left. There's just more to her than I knew.

"Hey, you mentioned that you talked to Adrian. I'm guessing he wasn't holding up so well."

"I was surprised that he even answered my call. You're right though. It wasn't what he said that got me, it was the way he said it. He told me that he'd come down with a bad cold and that's why he missed work. I'm not sure if I buy that, but whatever. I let him know you were worried about him and he said he's busy this weekend, but he'll talk to you on Monday. That was it really. There was an anxiety and pain to his words though, he tried to hide it but I could hear it crystal clear. It hit me pretty hard. He's missing you Kale."

I want to know the details: the exact words he said and exactly how he sounded and what he's so busy with this weekend. I want to mull it all over in my head and not take it at face value like I'm so used to doing. I'm worried about Adrian, but now is not the time. It's late, Eve still isn't completely sober and I have plans for tomorrow.

"Thanks for the update Eve. You're the best, as always."

"It's nothing Kale. I know I can't have you, but you still mean a whole lot to me. I'll do what it takes to make sure you're happy."

"You're an amazing, amazing person Eve and I know you'll find the right guy for you. I honestly don't know what I'd do without you in my life."

"That's the reason." She whispers and I struggle to understand.

"The reason for what?"

"It's nothing, seriously. Somebody like you doesn't need to understand. And hey, if I'm going to start telling you all my little secrets you'll find out eventually anyway."

"Okay Eve, I trust you."

"Good."

We chitchat mindlessly for another couple minutes and I think it helps the two of us reach a state of calm. Eventually we wind down and decide it's time to get to bed.

"Oh, and Eve." I add before hanging up. "I do love you. I know it's not in the way you wanted, but I love you. Don't forget that."

There's a long pause where I almost think the call must have been interrupted, or that she's already hung up, but then she says: "Thank you Kale."

And then the call is over.

I lie in bed, eyes wide open, staring at the ceiling. I feel like I've been living on one level of existence my whole life and this past week I've discovered there are a hundred more. Eve, Adrian, Ryan, Marty. It doesn't feel real to me. I don't know if it ever will.