FSE

Furry search engine

formerly SoFurry search engine

Moongaze sat in her room, the sunlight streaming through the window and hitting her desk. She was in the middle of drawing a comic about a unicorn that owned a bakery when the rumble of her father's snarl ripped the air. "Moongaze!!" he yelled, his rage barely contained as per the usual.

Moongaze hid her work hastily as her mother entered the room, her eyes sad. "Moongaze, why aren't you at dinner with us?"

"I'm coming," she warbled, reluctant to leave the sanctuary of her room. There, she would not be teased endlessly. In her art, she could be free. Free from the pain of being different, free from ridicule and criticism by turns from her siblings, her parents, her so-called friends.

Years had passed since that time of living with her parents, but the memories flooded her mind as she set foot in the conference, donning her new fursuit.

"What are you doing, associating with that ilk?!" her father would admonish her for creating her characters. "You need to get serious about your career!"

Moongaze tried to hold her head high inside her unicorn suit. Echoes of her father's voice traveled to her from the lion that shook his head at her, the shocked conference attendees.

She made her way toward the bar, eager to drink some of her pain away.

She sat, unable to see who was next to her. Her plush pastel pink fur contrasted with the rich mahogany of the bar table, her punky rainbow swirl of mane and tail catching the fluorescent lighting and making it sparkle.

A throat was cleared, and someone sat next to her. "Nice suit," a male voice grunted. It sounded muffled and far away.

"Thanks," Moongaze sighed. She gestured for the bartender, but the male next to her took care of her request.

"What'll it be...uh..."

The bartender, a gray fox, wrinked his nose at the sight of his new clientele. One was in suit as a unicorn, the other a dragon. Other conference attendees leaned in and whispered to each other, their looks a mixture of confusion, scorn and dismissal.

"Some wine for my lady?" the dragon turned to the unicorn.

"Uh...sure," Moongaze blushed.

The dragon slid some cash to the bartender, who quickly turned away to get the glasses and wine poured. "These conferences get weirder every year," he grumbled as he popped the cork.

"So uh...the conference is off to a good start," the unicorn began nervously, pawing her multicolored tail with her golden hooves. The bartender slid the unlikely pair the glasses of wine.

"Yes, it is," the dragon nodded. "Tell me true," the dragon swirled the wine in his glass, "how are things with you?"

"They are going well," the unicorn lied, sipped her wine slowly. "And with you?"

"Eh, yes, they are going well also." He tossed the wine back, a practiced move that indicated he was used to drinking in suit, a feat unto itself.

"You don't belong with them," came an old echo, a harsh hiss in Moongaze's ear. "You can't be an artist, what money is there in that? You will fail at everything you want to be good at, because you can't do it. What do you have to offer? You are disabled and antisocial, Moongaze. No one wants you around, you are a burden and you are a curse upon this family!"

Moongaze swallowed the wine. It burned through her body like her father's harsh words.

"Old wounds take a long time to heal," the dragon sighed, staring at the empty glass. He set it on the bar table, gazed at Moongaze gently. "Is that why you suit?"

"...huh?" Moongaze was pulled out of her dark reverie.

"...do you suit, to escape the pain?"

"I...uh..." Moongaze felt her cheeks flush, the interior of the suit becoming hotter every second. It was a bad idea to drink while in suit, she thought as the buzz washed over her.

"It's okay," the dragon turned toward her. He held her paws in his, in a sudden gesture of gentleness. "I understand how you feel."

Moongaze felt tears sting her eyes. This complete stranger was so warm and tender, and all at once she felt like a fool for just sitting there, her paws in his, not saying a word.

She felt she didn't deserve any of it.

"Um...excuse me," she stood, her legs wobbly from the drink. "I uh...I have to go..."

"Want some air?" the dragon nodded. "It does get really hot in these things."

"No...I uh...listen, this is all sudden, you know? I...I'm not ready...I'm not what you think, who you want." Moongaze looked around for the bathroom, feeling lightheaded and as clouded as her unicorn suit.

The dragon was taken aback. He sat at the bar again. "Well...it's okay. Thank you for your time. Take care, okay?"

Moongaze stumbled into the bathroom, slammed the stall door shut.

She tore off her unicorn head, sat down on the toilet, and sobbed.

"I feel so alone," she wept.

A knock on the stall door. "Hey," came a soft feminine voice. "Hey. You ok?"

"...uh..." Moongaze quickly wiped her tears and nose, dabbed the sweat off her tongue and flushed the toilet. "Uh...sorry, I didn't know I wasn't in here by myself..."

"You ok?" the voice repeated.

"...yeah. Yeah, I'm okay. Thanks."

Moongaze waited for the other fur to leave. She replaced her head and sighed.

She unclipped her badge, wandered out the convention's doors, her father's words gutting her.

"Wait a second!" called the dragon, who ran up behind her. She was about to get into her ride home.

"Why?" Moongaze hissed at the kind stranger. "You'll just reject me anyway."

She slammed the car door shut and the dragon stood, watching her leave. He clenched his fists in rage, wondering why he wanted her to come to the convention, why he expected anything else.

Moongaze looked out the car window, her unicorn head's eyes reflecting the streetlights. She sighed. She regretted her decision, but it was too late to change it.

Rejecting one of his ilk is easier than being rejected in the first place, she told herself.